Friday and Ancient Aliens

I love Friday. I get a donut, a dr. pepper, and i watch Ancient Aliens all day while i work and then after work.
It's simple. It's lovely. It's my life these days.

I am still married. Why is it more expensive to divorce then to get married?
My marriage license was $50 and to file a dissolution is $250.
I feel like it never ends, the probate of my Husband's Mother's estate.
The dissolution hasn't even been filed yet.
And then i had to file bankruptcy to save the house.

I feel blessed I am able to stay in my house, eat, and be clothed.
I feel frustrated that i can't shake my depression, even with medication.
I hope once the probate and dissolution are completed i will feel lighter.
Right now i feel i have a mountain on my shoulders.

Well that was fast aka the honeymoon is over before it even began

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate liars!!!
I hate people who lie.
Especially after I have been really nice to them.

My husband's kids have a real problem with lying.
They do it habitually and think when they get caught they should not be punished.
After Thanksgiving, the 2 youngest kids decided to go live with their bio mom.
My hubs had a complete melt down.
There was a huge argument between him and the kids.
Both kids lied and said horrible things about me.

One of the kids said I slapped them.
I haven't slapped anyone since the 5th grade.
The other accused me of trashing the house.
I had tripped and broken a bowl earlier that day.
I have never had people tell such horrible awful lies about me before.
It really hurt my feelings.

My husband had to be hospitalized for his mental health breakdown.
The bio mom swooped in and took the kids and has had them ever since.
She has a restraining order against my husband.
He is all mopey and has reverted back to self destructive behavior.

We didn't even get to go on a honeymoon for crap's sake.

Now we are selling the house he inherited and everything in it.
But the bills on the house will swallow up 75% of the money.

I am just so over it.
I am over his pity party.
Ever since this happened he acts like he doesn't have to try anymore.
He doesn't go to therapy.
He barely takes his meds.
He lies to me repeatedly.

We have been married barely 6 months and I'm ready to get a divorce.
He's drinking again.
He acts like he's 18 instead of 37 but if I say anything to him about his immature behavior I'm the bad guy.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten married again.
I totally ignored my gut instincts, my promptings, and even total strangers warning me not to marry.
This sucks.

Ever After Has Begun

What craziness is this?
We got married at the end of September, over a month after his divorce was finalized.
Not much changes when you marry.
We have coitus now but everything else is pretty much the same.

I was thinking we wouldn't make it down the alter.
The day before we married we found out the man that was supposed to marry us had a invalid marriage license.
His name was wrong on it and it had the wrong church on it.
Who knew there was a Church of the Latter Day Dude!
DUDE!!!!

So we had to scramble and find another man in our church that was authorized to perform marriages.
I don't think he and I have ever prayed this much.
But the day of the wedding, 5 hours before the wedding, we found out we had someone to marry us.
We sealed the deal with a kiss that afternoon, took pictures, and ate food.

Note to self, there is no such thing as a small and simple wedding.
All Weddings are a pain in the butt.

Now we are settling down into the Ever After part, trying to figure out how to make all the pieces fit,
and being okay when something doesn't work.

It's a journey and it's one that will never be perfect, but we have each other and I hope that will be enough.

Independence Day Blues

Happy Independence Day my fellow Americans!
Please blow up things responsibly!

I'm so depressed today.
I have the right to be depressed.
I have the right to pursue happiness.
You notice the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights don't even mention happiness only the Declaration of Independence does and it only says it is a right to pursue it.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" - Declaration of Independence.

The United States of America began with the best of intentions and the noblest of purposes and now it is a mess, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

We might have lost our way some but we still believe in freedom and freedom is a beautiful and rare thing in today's world.

I have choices.
I might make horrible choices, but that is my right.
I don't have to cover my head or body and only show my eyes.
I can read, work and drive a car.
I can marry or not marry whom ever I want.
I can have sex with whom ever I want.
Sure, I might burn in Hell, but again it is my decisions to make.

I am blessed to live in a country where I have so much freedom and so many choices.
I make mistakes, but I love that I can work, pay my own way and be my own woman.
I am important and I do matter and I do contribute to society in a positive way.
I don't need a man to hold my hand, protect me, or provide for me.

God Bless America!
And I bless God!

It's About the Choices

Our quality of life is all about the choices we make. I feel grateful and blessed to live in a country where you can fuck your life up as much as you want as long as you keep to yourself and don't take anyone else's life in the process.

It is amazing how certain words stick to you. They strike a chord within you and they linger in your subconscious at the oddest times. I remember sitting in church when the speaker, who i was ignoring, got my attention, when he said, "marriage vows say in sickness and health and for better or worse, for better or worse, who you marry changes your life either for the better or the worse, think about that!" i had never really thought about marriage that way, of course it's a choice to marry someone but do you really think about the better or worse part until the worse part comes?! i know i sure as hell didn't.

today as i contemplate a choice, i think back to those words, no i haven't been proposed to; this is more career related, but even jobs can make your life better or worse. i had one job stress me out to the point i had to be checked for ulcers. i was cracking under the pressure to be a perfect working machine, 24/7. i couldn't handle the stress. that job changed my life for the worse and the money, the perks, the benefits didn't make that stress and my sliding health any better, i got better when i got laid off, it was a relief.

this new opportunity has pro's and it has con's.
more money, pro
longer commute, con
work every day in the office, con
learn a new skill set, pro
stable company, pro
bonuses and benefits, pro
more pressure to perform, con

i'm torn... i have to look at this opportunity and for once decide yeah or nay, because usually i take a job because i have to, i've been laid off a lot the past 6 years and i want to be more proactive this time.

i have to keep asking myself will this job make my quality of life better or worse?

I Hate Owing Money

scott says there's no chance in hell he's the father.
that is most excellent news.
the paternity test bret wants should hold no surprises.
now i just have to twiddle my thumbs until august when the baby gets here.

i feel better now knowing it isn't scott's baby.
the whole situation with him lately has not good.
but sex only has never been something i've been good at.
i have too many emotions to not get emotionally attached to a man.
i'm not in love with him, but i do care about him.
i feel bad i haven't been able to pay him off for the jeep.

i bring home net what he makes gross but i never have any money.
i poorly manage my money.
i excel at spending it, but i can never hold on to it.
i will try to give him 200 bucks a paycheck until he's paid off.
and he really swears he's done with me now.

i should apologize for being such a bitch.
i don't think he deserved it.
i just feel bad for his live in girlfriend.
she thinks they are getting married and living happily ever after.
and if he's not having sex with me it will only be a matter of time before he fucks someone else.
he's a man whore, he said it himself.

i hate owing him money, i feel like he has power over me while i do.
i hate that i gave him so much control.
i handed myself to him on a silver platter and i didn't know all the rules.
the only person i should be angry with is myself.
i hate to share.

bret totally went off on me too.
i don't need this crap right now.
i want a paternity test.
if it's my baby i'll live with u and take care of the baby,
but that doesnt' make us a couple.

why do i only want to be with men that only want to have sex with me?

scott - has a live in girlfriend.

bret - is still hung up on lynn

my ex husband - i wasn't a man

his brother - i wasn't his wife nor the mother of his children

ron - i wasn't his mother

i always fall in love with men that cannot love me back.
but this baby will love me and i will love this baby with everything i have.
this will probably be my last child, this is it.
i have to be super mom to this kid.
i will matter to this baby.
i have a purpose again!

when do they go back to school?

my kid is a one person destruction crew.
she brought the crutches in from the garage and threw them behind the couch, wtf???
she said it was so if there was a bug on the ceiling she wouldn't have to get up to kill it.
i am cranky, tired, and short fused.
i lost it.
i told her if she keeps moving shit around i will break one of her protruding body parts so she'll NEED the crutches!!!
it's bad enough she keeps knocking the baby Jesus down in the nativity scene by putting her crap on the table,
when does she go back to school, NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

i can't live with her anymore.
she's rude, disrespectful, lazy, messy and just a bitch every time she comes home.
she thinks she knows everything.
she takes over the t.v. and i want to listen to music.
why can't she disappear into her room like the old days, unseen and unheard.
those days were nice, i liked them, i enjoyed them!!!

i did not sleep well.
i think i punched myself in the eye last night.
i've had spasms in my left eye all day and it's been watering and it hurts a little.
i feel so old.
i've had to wear my glasses all day.
i had bad bad dreams.
i dreamed i told scott i was pregnant and he beat the shit out of me until i miscarried.
extreme concept right, he seems like an alright guy.

but i couldn't keep the thought of him beating the crap out of me out of my head.
so i googled him and he has domestic violence charges from his first marriage.
he had to do probation and domestic violence classes in FL for a year.
so he can be violent.
he was in his 20's and now he's in his 40's so hopefully he's mellowed.
but he did threaten to kill me if i didn't deny our sexual encounters.

i am discombobulateed between the previous sentence and this one scott knocked on the door.
blow job, private part rubbing, making out, dry humping, back to sexual frustration for one!!!
told him about my dream, he thought it was stupid
and then he kissed me, he is a really GREAT kisser!!!

Happy Turkey Day 2011

i passed this thanksgiving alone. and it's been the best one ever.
my healthy eating stays intact and i don't have to clean up or puke from eating too much.
the kid is over at the paternal grandparents.
i got my miles walked.

i got a little conversation in with scott.
he did pop my ass cherry.
and he agrees it was bad sex.
so he doesn't know what to do and neither do i.
i'm thinking fuck buddies.
when he wants to get laid he just comes on down.
i don't want to marry him.
but he hasn't told his live in bunny that he's bored with her yet.
so he wants to cool it down.

i get to see him tomorrow too.
i guess we'll talk more then.
i care about him.
i thought i was the one making him feel like a bad person,
but apparently, his demon is being a man whore.
he doesn't believe in happily ever after or love
he doesn't want to be married
and he gets bored

wow, sounded like he was describing myself for a minute.
we both have a very long string of broken relationships behind us.
wow, we are both broken!

i don't want to fix him.
i don't want to save him.
i just want to have sex with him alot.