Well that was fast aka the honeymoon is over before it even began

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate liars!!!
I hate people who lie.
Especially after I have been really nice to them.

My husband's kids have a real problem with lying.
They do it habitually and think when they get caught they should not be punished.
After Thanksgiving, the 2 youngest kids decided to go live with their bio mom.
My hubs had a complete melt down.
There was a huge argument between him and the kids.
Both kids lied and said horrible things about me.

One of the kids said I slapped them.
I haven't slapped anyone since the 5th grade.
The other accused me of trashing the house.
I had tripped and broken a bowl earlier that day.
I have never had people tell such horrible awful lies about me before.
It really hurt my feelings.

My husband had to be hospitalized for his mental health breakdown.
The bio mom swooped in and took the kids and has had them ever since.
She has a restraining order against my husband.
He is all mopey and has reverted back to self destructive behavior.

We didn't even get to go on a honeymoon for crap's sake.

Now we are selling the house he inherited and everything in it.
But the bills on the house will swallow up 75% of the money.

I am just so over it.
I am over his pity party.
Ever since this happened he acts like he doesn't have to try anymore.
He doesn't go to therapy.
He barely takes his meds.
He lies to me repeatedly.

We have been married barely 6 months and I'm ready to get a divorce.
He's drinking again.
He acts like he's 18 instead of 37 but if I say anything to him about his immature behavior I'm the bad guy.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten married again.
I totally ignored my gut instincts, my promptings, and even total strangers warning me not to marry.
This sucks.

The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.