The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

Meemaw died

my wonderful meemaw passed away at 2am this morning, peacefully in her sleep.
she had been in fading health the last couple of months.
she had just come home from the hospital yesterday.
i'm full of sorrow.

Brownie Irene was born on September 3, 1923.
She was one of ten children.
She smelled like cookies, sugar, and cinnamon buns.
She always wore her hair up.
She had beautiful brown eyes and almost black hair.
I was named Shannon Irene in her honor.
I have so many happy memories with her.

We were called the two irene's or i was called little irene.
she's how i got my southern drawal.
she taught me how make homemade biscuits.
she'd tell me when i was little that buying things is how she showed she loved me.
i told her the same thing when i was older and would try to buy her things.
she never fussed over herself.
she loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren with a deep absolute devotion.

as she aged she remained strong, stubborn, and adamant to be on her own.
in the past two years she had suffered a stroke, a bad fall, and finally a ruptured ulcer.
but i never heard her complain or gripe about her suffering.
she was steadfast in her faith that God would take care of her.
He took one of his everyday angels home today.
Meemaw i know heaven is awesome, but don't forget to remember i'm still down here and i miss you.

love always,
your little Irene!

Days like Today

the softness of the dog's fur when i pet her
the coldness of the morning breeze
the saddness of an acoustic guitar plays
the stillness of my self as i meditate
the beauty of the moment sinks in
days like today i appreciate being lonely

the warmth of the sun upon my face
the roughness of the patio concrete against my feet
the sweetness of a cherry coke on my tongue
the songs of the birds in the trees
the simplicity of life washes over me
days like today i admire God's work

the quiet of my mind
the focus of my thoughts
the joy of my heart
the smile i have right now on my face
the faith i am feeling
days like today i remember why i breathe

the sorrows of my mistakes ease
the passions of my heart are pleased
the confessions of my soul are addressed
the questions of my mind are answered
the miracle of contentment settles on me
days like today i am thankful to be alive

I miss the weekend.

I had a wonderful, packed full of activity weekend.
I was exhausted but content.
I had company.
Genuine conversation with another adult.
The giggles of a a little girl.
The excited chatter was music to my ears.

I miss it.
My life has become inactive.
I'm trying to get Gab to move foreward, but how can I?
I myself am frozen to this comfortable spot.
I feel no pain, no joy, and no sorrow.
I have let myself become complacent.
Fear keeps me in place.
I am so scared to hurt that I stopped living.

I want to start living.
I am going to start living!