Post Funeral Caffiene Withdrawal

what a long long weekend.
we went to dad's thursday night so we could head to TN first thing Friday morning.
Meemaw's funeral was on Saturday.
My brother got lost because he insisted on going thru cincy instead of following dad and us through indy.
he showed up 3 hours later then we did.
he missed the turn in bowling green for 68.
every one asked him how his uncle jerry shortcut was.
he went to nashville and almost to memphis.
on the way home he followed dad, i drove sunday morning cuz he takes meds and my neice isn't a morning person.
he started talking about cutting over to cincy once we hit louisville.
i told him i wasn't driving thru cincy, if he wanted to do that i was getting back in dad's car and he was on his own.
that shut him up.
you'd think he would have learned after the way down there.

saturday was crazy.
my uncle's dog nearly killed my brother's dog.
aunt polly and my cousin jody got into it over meemaw's bible.
aunt polly had a meltdown.
i had an over zealous hugging cousin.
he hugged me so tight i heard something pop.
we went to mcdonald's and ronald was there, i hate clowns.
he got up in my face and i froze.
my dad went, bud, she hates clowns.
he went i'm not a clown.
my kid went, just back off.
and he did finally.
we sat where i couldn't see him.
you'd think if you were told someone doesn't like you you'd take the hint.
this clown was obnoxious.
i fucking hate clowns!!!!

i cried so hard at the graveside service.
just looking at the silver casket drove it home.
meemaw is with God and Jesus now.
if anybody was going to heaven it was Meemaw.
she was so strong in her faith and devotion to God.
i wish i could be more like her.
i got to make some changes.
life can be so much more then what i'm doing with it.
the preacher said if there's a wall or fridge in heaven,
he's sure Meemaw will have our pictures up on it in no time.

we went back to meemaw's and told stories and watched old videos.
it was great to see my family.
i even laughed so hard i pee'd myself a little.
of course, gab had to tell everyone.
but that's just more to laugh at.
for the most part we get along pretty good.
my aunt jenny doesn't think i'm bi-polar,
she is a professional in such matters.
my kid said stand next to her long enough and you'll catch a mood swing.
my aunt jenny admitted she hasn't been around me alot to determine it,
but she hoped i'd be okay.
i told her i take it one day at a time and exercise helps.

sunday was 11 hours in the car.
i think i did good driving my neices car.
i only got anxious over the bridge in louisville.
the other bridges i couldn't see because of the fog.
it's the thought of going off the bridge and falling into the water that freaks me out.
i just don't want that long drop into the cold water.
it's too much.

now it's back to normal.
i drank dt. pop non stop since thursday.
so it's back to no pop.
and losing the 3 pounds i've gained this past week.
i've had a headache since tuesday.
caffiene withdrawal will not help it.

the world seems duller without meemaw praying for my soul.
i love you meemaw.

Bittersweet Tennessee

the funeral will be in a couple of days so we have to pack up and head to tennessee.
it'll be wonderful to see the family, it's been a couple of years, but it'll be sad that we are all there for MeeMaw's funeral, so bittersweet, this trip to Tennessee.

when i was 7 grandpa and Meemaw retired and moved from Ohio to Tennessee. I went from seeing them every day to seeing them on our summer vacations for a week. i missed them very much.
as i got older and grew up and had my daughter, we went to see MeeMaw less and less.
then in spring of 2010 she had a stroke, i realized it had been ten years since i had gone to visit.
we went that summer for a long weekend.
it was too short.
that's the last time i saw her.
there was never enough money or enough time to go visit.
i regret that now.
Meemaw had her priorities right, God and family, is what she dedicated her life too.

i have some very difficult decisions to make.
Meemaw's death has made me take a hard look at some of my choices lately.
I've not been making healthy emotional choices.
Scott, Bret, Jackie, all unhealthy for my emotional needs.
I need to make a clean break from empty deadend sexual relationships.
I do want another child, but to conceive via one of these men is just opening my child and I to years of disappointment and heartache.

these men can't change so I must.
when i get back from tennessee i'm going back to church.
i'm going to get back on a righteous path.
God and family will be my focus.
I've already been working on my physical health, now it's time to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

God, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Especially, to tell Scott no.
that word doesn't pop into my head when that man touches me.
i'm caught up in his web, a total fly to his spider.
he knows he's got me, help me break free.
Amen!

Meemaw died

my wonderful meemaw passed away at 2am this morning, peacefully in her sleep.
she had been in fading health the last couple of months.
she had just come home from the hospital yesterday.
i'm full of sorrow.

Brownie Irene was born on September 3, 1923.
She was one of ten children.
She smelled like cookies, sugar, and cinnamon buns.
She always wore her hair up.
She had beautiful brown eyes and almost black hair.
I was named Shannon Irene in her honor.
I have so many happy memories with her.

We were called the two irene's or i was called little irene.
she's how i got my southern drawal.
she taught me how make homemade biscuits.
she'd tell me when i was little that buying things is how she showed she loved me.
i told her the same thing when i was older and would try to buy her things.
she never fussed over herself.
she loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren with a deep absolute devotion.

as she aged she remained strong, stubborn, and adamant to be on her own.
in the past two years she had suffered a stroke, a bad fall, and finally a ruptured ulcer.
but i never heard her complain or gripe about her suffering.
she was steadfast in her faith that God would take care of her.
He took one of his everyday angels home today.
Meemaw i know heaven is awesome, but don't forget to remember i'm still down here and i miss you.

love always,
your little Irene!

It's been awhile

I've been on the road. I went to Tennessee to see my Meemaw for the first time in 10 years. She's full of fight and stubborn as a mule. She refuses to use her cane. and she insists on getting up and waiting on people. Everyone tries to get her to relax, but as my Aunt Jenny said, "She's gonna do what she wants to do until the day she dies!" Which I hope is a long way out, but I worry. I see how hard it is for her to step up and down from the house to the patio then to the driveway. She even sways like she's going to fall. I love my Meemaw so much, I just can't imagine this world without her.

She said when I was little and I'd go to the store with her and Grandpa that I would have a trick to get me a toy. I'd wait until Grandpa was out of ear shot then I'd say, I ain't havin any fun, over and over until Meemaw would say, Would a new toy be fun and I say, Let's go get one. I've never heard that story before and it was nice to see the smile on her face as she remembered it.

She is confused somewhat. She kept calling me by Mom's name. And she got other people mixed up to. She admitted that the stroke done wiped her mind clean. She said she knows what she wants to say but it just won't come out or it comes out the wrong way. It frustrates her alot. She got her hair cut short and permed. It looks so cute on her. It gives her a mop top of curls that makes her look like she's got tons of moxie. She tries to stay sassy, but she tires easily.

Got to visit with most of the family. Ten years is a long time not to visit. Ty is 5, so this was his first time meeting me. I kept asking him, who am I and he'd get the blankest look on his face, and I say I'm cousin Shannon and he'd go oh, okay, I'd ask him 10 minutes later, what my name was and the blank look was back. I told him he needs to work on his memory. He called Dad, Uncle Jerry, then he called him That guy, which was too funny.

Yes, it was great to see the family. To hear the stories and see the bubba's (Dad and his 3 brothers) shoot the breeze. Politics gets these old coots all worked up. I don't like to discuss politics, there's no discussion about it, because every one already has their mind made up so it's pointless to talk about it. It just turns into an intense akward near arguement. No thank you!!!!

I hope to visit once a year for as long as Meemaw is here to see. It's a heck of a drive and hopefully, that new Motel by the Wally world will be finished, cuz the one we stayed at sucked!!!!! Dad was down there 3 years ago and he said it had gone downhill quick. I found a bug in the bed. There was no breakfast like they advertised. And it was dirty all around. Yuck, Yuck, and triple Yuck!!!

Well, it's good to be home. Sophie had fun with Molly and her owners Jeremy and Ashley. He took real good care of her, but by Saturday Sophie was homesick and had stopped eating. She was a real good puggle for him. No accidents. Shared her toys with his dog Molly. I missed that dog sleeping next to me. Gab's just happy to have a cell phone signal, air conditioning, cable t.v. and internet access 24/7. She thought she was dying out at MeeMaw's house where you have none of those. She said she now knew what the pioneers went through. Sheesh!!!

But I am not going to miss the heat and humidity. I drank tons of water and only went to the potty once in 8 hours. As soon as I drank the water, the heat sucked it right back out of my flesh. I missed my bed and air conditioning the most!!! God Bless the person who invented air condittioning!!! Amen!!!

On The Road

Well the time has come in the year when people are traveling more. I don't mind the traveling as much as everything you have to do to get ready to travel. Taking out the trash, getting someone to dog sit, washing all the dishes, making sure there's nothing the cat can get into or anything bugs would want. It's exhausting!

It makes me never want to leave my house. But it's for a good cause. I get to see Meemaw for the first time in 10 years. She's been sick and fell recently. At 86 the number of days remaining on her lifespan are rapidly declining. My uncle says there are times when she gets confused and isn't sure when it is, minor dementia, but it worries me.

Meemaw is fiercly independent and a fighter. She pulled out all her i.v.'s at the hospital and was getting dressed to go home when the nurses came rushing in on her. They had to put her in restraints to keep her from leaving the hospital!!!

I hope we travel safely and have a good visit with Meemaw.