Lost Its Shine

Christmas has lost its shine for me.
i have a tree. it is decorated. it has presents under it.
i went shopping. i spent money.
i opened doors for people. i smiled. i listened to christmas music.
i said merry christmas. i said happy holidays.
i asked people if they had plans. i called family to wish them joy.
i feel dead inside. i am void of all emotions.
christmas is death.

i was in the mall. i went to get away from this chattering little annoying man at work.
while i was eating my lunch a christmas song came on the loud speaker.
it was one of my mother's favorite christmas songs.
i suddenly had a wave of christmas memories of my mother come back to me and i cried in the middle of the mall food court.
i could not stop it or avoid it, i cried into my sandwich.

my mother loved loved loved christmas.
she was very poor growing up as a kid.
She was one of eight children; her dad was a drunk that seldom worked; grandma didn't work and they barely ate.
She married dad who did work and they could afford to celebrate christmas.
We didn't have a lot of money and I don't think it was really about the presents.
My mom loved the process and the excitement and the spirit of christmas.

She loved christmas, she would just glow at the holiday.
we'd have to go to church functions.
we'd do caroling and drive around to look at christmas lights.
the presents were wrapped and the tree was decorated with care.
we'd bake cookies and decorating them.

my mother went all out for christmas.
she made it really special for me and my brother's.
i still hang up the christmas stocking she made me by hand while she was pregnant with me.
she added my name right after i was born so it would be on there for my first christmas.
i wasn't even a month old on my first christmas.

Of course when we grew up and became teenagers we ruined it for her.
We became ungrateful and greedy and just a pain in her ass.
And then I redeemed myself and had her first grandchild and christmas was saved again.
She had 4 years with her grandbaby; 4 amazing christmas' filled with the wonderment and awe only a child can bring into the mix.
I miss those christmas years of the shine and the glow.

Yes, for me christmas has lost its shine.

Arthritis in the Knee

My kid is 22.
she is what has been called double jointed.
she can hyper extend her joints.
she always injures her left knee.
dance, cheerleading, walking, running
it never took much to get the knee to hurt
finally got an mri
she has a baker's cyst and the beginnings of arthritis in the left knee
at 22 she has what she calls an old persons disease
i had to laugh
she didn't think it was funny

my kid and i have become our very own gray gardens.
i can't picture her living anywhere else.
we've become so accustomed to each other's crazy we can't tolerate anyone else's.
i can hope she can find a man that can marry the both of us,
but she's so stubborn and so much a red head with the temper and all.
the story is there's someone for everyone, but i'm living proof that story is false.
i don't know where i went wrong or even if it is wrong.
my kid and i are each other's best friend and worst enemy.
sometimes we are like an old married couple.

i want her to be happy.
i want her to have a life full of joy.
but at the same time i will miss her and i don't ever want her to go.
she lives my fears as her own.
i have passed down the worst of me.
she somehow turns it into the best of her.
i've been blessed with her and though i regret not having more kids i never regret the one kid God gave me.
i don't know where other teenage mother's end up with their kids,
but my kid and i are in a good place.
we struggled, but who doesn't.
isn't the best life the one where you know the good times because you've lived the bad times?

No Joy to the Season anymore

I tell ya Christmas without little children to help celebrate it is just about as exciting as watching grass grow. Seriously, me and my 19 year old, already knew everything we were getting, tho, I did manage 1 little surprise. We've already opened everything and life has moved on. There's no joy in Christmas without a young child's thrill, awe, and excitement for the holiday. I miss the Christmas' when my kid was like 11 and under. Before the reality of no santa sunk in and it became about what she was getting more then the joy of the giving itself.

I guess someday, not soon or even in the next 5 years, when I have a grandchild (cuz isn't 1 always enough) the joy of Christmas will come back to me. I look forward to it.

Santa Claus, IN rocks if you have young kids, google it!!!

I miss the weekend.

I had a wonderful, packed full of activity weekend.
I was exhausted but content.
I had company.
Genuine conversation with another adult.
The giggles of a a little girl.
The excited chatter was music to my ears.

I miss it.
My life has become inactive.
I'm trying to get Gab to move foreward, but how can I?
I myself am frozen to this comfortable spot.
I feel no pain, no joy, and no sorrow.
I have let myself become complacent.
Fear keeps me in place.
I am so scared to hurt that I stopped living.

I want to start living.
I am going to start living!