Lost Its Shine

Christmas has lost its shine for me.
i have a tree. it is decorated. it has presents under it.
i went shopping. i spent money.
i opened doors for people. i smiled. i listened to christmas music.
i said merry christmas. i said happy holidays.
i asked people if they had plans. i called family to wish them joy.
i feel dead inside. i am void of all emotions.
christmas is death.

i was in the mall. i went to get away from this chattering little annoying man at work.
while i was eating my lunch a christmas song came on the loud speaker.
it was one of my mother's favorite christmas songs.
i suddenly had a wave of christmas memories of my mother come back to me and i cried in the middle of the mall food court.
i could not stop it or avoid it, i cried into my sandwich.

my mother loved loved loved christmas.
she was very poor growing up as a kid.
She was one of eight children; her dad was a drunk that seldom worked; grandma didn't work and they barely ate.
She married dad who did work and they could afford to celebrate christmas.
We didn't have a lot of money and I don't think it was really about the presents.
My mom loved the process and the excitement and the spirit of christmas.

She loved christmas, she would just glow at the holiday.
we'd have to go to church functions.
we'd do caroling and drive around to look at christmas lights.
the presents were wrapped and the tree was decorated with care.
we'd bake cookies and decorating them.

my mother went all out for christmas.
she made it really special for me and my brother's.
i still hang up the christmas stocking she made me by hand while she was pregnant with me.
she added my name right after i was born so it would be on there for my first christmas.
i wasn't even a month old on my first christmas.

Of course when we grew up and became teenagers we ruined it for her.
We became ungrateful and greedy and just a pain in her ass.
And then I redeemed myself and had her first grandchild and christmas was saved again.
She had 4 years with her grandbaby; 4 amazing christmas' filled with the wonderment and awe only a child can bring into the mix.
I miss those christmas years of the shine and the glow.

Yes, for me christmas has lost its shine.

i got a brand new car, so shove ur roller skates up ur pie hole

okay, the car is a 2010 ford focus, and i was never good at roller skating, but i do love the brand new key song by melanie, i got a pair of roller skates and you got a brand new key!

but now i have a car payment, it's steep, cuz my credit sucks, and my tax money is gone, so i'm broke too, plus my car insurance went up cuz i got to carry more of it, since i owe on the car.

but the upside, it's wonderful. it's quiet, it's not falling apart, gab get her license with it. it's got all kinds of buttons. i can plug in my ipod to it, it gets excellent gas mileage. yep, i think i did pretty good.

now i can't afford the diet anymore, so i'm going to have to drop out of that and continue my weight loss goals on my own. i just have to limit my calories to around 1600 and i will lose approx. 1-2 pounds a week. it'll be slower, but healthy to do on my own.

plus, i am exercising on the very disrespectful wii. yes, i am unbalanced, why do u think i'm doing the balance exercises! duh!
but turns out in the yoga, i'm an excellent deep breather. yay me!

who said strange is wonderful

my life has been buzzing along with quite a bit of strange lately. and it just has me baffled more then anything. the weird late phone calls, emails from people that say they know me, but they don't. it's like some conspiracy to drive me crazy. but that's such a short trip for me i don't even need to pack a bag.

i made gab unplug from technology for a whole hour last night. no tv, cell, or internet. we sat on me bed and talked about stuff that needed talked about. college expenses are going through the roof and we are not wealthy people, nor is anyone we know or related to even well off. the hard reality is this good be her last year at college in Kentucky. i just can't keep shelling out several thousands of dollars every year on her schooling. i'm still paying off my student loans. she might have to readjust her dream. and switch to an in-state less expensive school for her 4 year. and get a part time job near campus that can be full time in the summers.

no one would hire her this summer because they are a huge # of applicants that can work all year round. and alot of older people that are more responsible that normally wouldn't work at places like fast food or little mall shops are now in the job market because of the crappy economy. i am in constant fear of being laid off myself. you never know when the axe will fall these days, no matter how hard you work or what a good job you do.

it's a hard pill for her to swallow. she really likes her school and i like it too because it's small and cozy and i feel she is safe there, but unless there is a drastic positive change in our finances i am afraid she will have to transfer to somewhere not so expensive and far away.