Sick and Cranky

i've lost five pounds since my last post.
i'm averaging about a pound a day and that's while i'm on my period.
it isn't easy to break myself of my lazy ways.
i've been fantasizing about covering myself in chocolate syrup and letting a certain male lick it off,
then i cover him and do the same.
sweet, sweet, dreams they are indeed.

but i stick to the plan i created for myself.
it doesn't help that i'm sick again.
this stupid cold i caught from a neighbor has taken up residency in my head.
i think now i have a sinus and/or ear infection.
so i need to get into the doctor this week.

i take my vitamins.
i'm eating healthy foods.
i'm exercising.
but i get sick so easily.
i catch any little thing i'm exposed to.
all my neighbor did was lean in and talk to me.

i think i'm going to have to start wearing one of those surgical masks.
or put myself in bubble.
i wonder how expensive bubbles are.
the bubble would never work, sophie the puggle would think i'm her new dog toy.
i see many issues with that situation.

i'm just trying to live my life the best way i can.
but i can't do anything right.
i fail at everything i try.

i fail in relationships.
i fail at sex.
i fail at getting healthy.
i fail at being a good mom.
i fail at saving money.
i fail at supporting myself.
i am a BIG FAT FAILURE!!!!

sickness makes me cranky!

Idea to Break the Tie

hello all.
it has been awhile.
i've been stuck at the 195-200 pound range for nearly 3 months now.
i blame several things, the weather, the holidays, the emotional roller coaster i've been on,
but blame won't make me lose more weight.
blame has been my crutch to excuse my lack of effort in jan.
but now it is feb. and on with the show.

i have figured out how to get myself fired up and to push through the last 30-35 pounds i have to lose.
i call it the snacks diet.

i will eat one meal a day that is 500 calories or less and 50 carbs or less.
this will either be breakfast or lunch, never after 2 pm.

i will then have 4 snack size meals through the rest of the day at least 3 hours apart.
they will be less then 175 calories and 15 carbs.

this will total 1200 calories and 110 carbs every day.

this should jolt my system back into dropping pounds.

i've also gotten lazy with my exercise.
i will do the wii for at least 30 minutes 4 days a week.
and then use netflix fitness videos for the other 3 days a week.
this will introduce some new work outs into my routine and thus stave off the boredom.

it begins when i go to the grocery store.
i have no food in the house.

i've been eating at 8pm, and going out to eat too much.
i've just been lazy lazy lazy.

it has to stop.
i got to carry this through.
i can do this!!!

Tummy Troubles

it's been rough since sunday.
my stomach does NOT agree with anything i do.
i belch, fart, get constipated, bloated, the runs, and just pain!
i didn't know gas could hurt so damn much.
i was popping gas x like vicoden at work so i wouldn't produce a methane cloud in my cubicle.
i don't know what i did or ate to start it.
sunday morning it was just killing me.
i couldn't poop to save my life.

so i popped some laxative.
and i still couldn't poop.
so i popped some more laxative.
then i couldn't stop pooping on monday.

the gas was so bad even the dog had to come up for air.
i smell and it lingers on my clothes.
this is just awful.
i know everybody poops, but is it so bad i want to do it on my usual schedule.

i know this is totally gross and way too much information,
but my tummy troubles are dominating my life.
i can't stay far from the bathroom.
i've gained 7 pounds.
and i'm not eating or drinking anything different.
i think i might have to fast friday and saturday to purge my system.

this sucks and stinks!

i eat the same stuff every day.
i drink the same stuff every day.
i might have to break down and get some of that activia crap.
i hate yogurt, but i saw they had it in drinks.
i might be able to suppress my gag reflex long enough to get that down.

I've Lost my enthusiasm

scott stopped by last night to return the remote control.
he said he got the car to work and didn't need my garage because there had been a nice day while i was gone.
he started the whole dry humping, kissing, grabbing me crap.
i've lost my enthusiasm for the whole situation.
now i just got to figure out how to blow him off.
i was not responsive last night and he seemed disappointed.
but that's his problem and not mine.
he's laid off from work until jan so he's driving semi's locally.
i imagine i'll see him soon.
and then i'll cut ties.
it's all gotten very boring to me.
he's boring to me.

i think i'm depressed.
i go to bed at 6pm.
sophie has been having accidents in the house.
i think it is because the kid doesn't let her out when i go to bed so early.
i feel like a loser, a failure, and a disappointment.
i can't do anything right lately.
i just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and never leave it.

i guess this will pass.
i'm working to get back into my schedule.
i worked out on the wii this morning.
i'm back to 195.
and i expected just to break even this month.
so if i don't gain anything between now and the end of the year i'll be set.

jan. i have tweak my workout and diet.
i need to weed out what has failed me.
i can't do any kind of ice cream, even light or less fat.
i just eat too much of it.
i got 30 more pounds to lose.
i know i can do it.
i just got to get my ass out of this depression.
hopefully, without medication this time.

I love hard cider

it is raining like crazy crazy cold rain.
so i thought, what's good on a cold, dreary, depressing rainy day, answer, booze!!!
so i went to the store and i bought an orchard of hard ciders, a variety pack, of 4 different kinds,
and of course, i got a six pack of my fave, strongbow, God bless England!!!

so i told scott (aka the naughty neighbor) our little "chats" are done.
i did it the coward's way, i facebook'd msg'd him, giggles!
and i've been avoiding him, because i know that if he touches me i will cave.
and i have to be strong, i deserve better!!!

i've been such a bad bad girl today.
i had a good healthy lunch and breakfast.
it was the snacks that got me, cookies, pumpkin donuts, and brownies, yums...
and then i topped off with kfc for dinner.
i'm no angel, but i can't go off the rails now.
i've worked too hard and come too far.

so tomorrow i climb back on the work horse.
i hit the wii, if it's still raining, i hit the wii hard, for an hour.
if i have do 15 minutes at a time i will, but i will get my exercise in.
i stocked up on fruit, eggs, cheese, and milk.
so i got my essentials.

now i just got to focus, buckle down, and get the job done, only 35 more pounds to go.
i can do it!!!

This kitchen Experiment Rocked Pancakes!

Took plain old generic pancake mix, added the following:
(did the 3 cups of dry mix size)
1/2 cup chopped up Granny Smith Apple
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 single serving of cinnamon applesauce
and 1 1/4 cups water

it made very thick, yummy, pancakes. it was like eating apple spice cake.
i cut the pancake into 4's and dipped it in my butter lite maple syrup.
it was FAB-U-LOUS!

My kid suggests replace apples with miniture snickers chopped up or candy bar of your choice!

i'm taking what i have left and wrapping them individually in foil and putting them in the freezer.
i am pretty sure i can take a whole month to eat them that way.

try it!!!

perfect for this rainy fall like day.
i walked my 3 miles before 10 am and tonight i will walk 2 more.
my foot has healed, thank you God!!!

i'm having a power surge today people, watch out!!!

Mr. Sun I am so pissed off at u right now

my vitamin d is still way too low. so now i have to take 1,000 units a day plus the 50,000 units weekly. and if in 3 more months it isn't normal i have to have a bone scan to see if my bones have begun to thin. that scares the crap out of me. i have been sitting out in the sun a 1/2 hour every day in the early evening exposing as much skin as i can, i have been walking out in the sun every day with as much skin as possible exposed and it only went up 3 points from last time. I am NOT happy with Mr. Sun right now.

I hate fish. doc recommended i start eating fish like catfish, salmon, tuna with oil, my face said it all, doc was like i know u hate to eat fish. i hate to smell them, let alone eat them. they are disgusting!!!! I can't even take fish oil, it makes me sick, gives me a headache afterwards. Can you be allergic to fish?

i got another prescription to pick up and i have to find a vitamin d supplement with the 1,000 units in it! if pizza had vitamin D in it, i'd be set!

i got a brand new car, so shove ur roller skates up ur pie hole

okay, the car is a 2010 ford focus, and i was never good at roller skating, but i do love the brand new key song by melanie, i got a pair of roller skates and you got a brand new key!

but now i have a car payment, it's steep, cuz my credit sucks, and my tax money is gone, so i'm broke too, plus my car insurance went up cuz i got to carry more of it, since i owe on the car.

but the upside, it's wonderful. it's quiet, it's not falling apart, gab get her license with it. it's got all kinds of buttons. i can plug in my ipod to it, it gets excellent gas mileage. yep, i think i did pretty good.

now i can't afford the diet anymore, so i'm going to have to drop out of that and continue my weight loss goals on my own. i just have to limit my calories to around 1600 and i will lose approx. 1-2 pounds a week. it'll be slower, but healthy to do on my own.

plus, i am exercising on the very disrespectful wii. yes, i am unbalanced, why do u think i'm doing the balance exercises! duh!
but turns out in the yoga, i'm an excellent deep breather. yay me!

stomach pain and misery

with some relief today, i've discovered my aching belly has been due to the antibiotic i got from the dentist for the dental work i'm having done. i did not know you had to drink a full glass of water with each dose. i did see you needed to have a light snack or glass of milk with it, but since i just drink shakes i wasn't able to comply with that. my stomach has been paying the price. so now i take it with a shake and drink a full glass of water with it, i'm hoping that will do the trick. i got one more week on it and i'm miserable. i feel like i've gain 5 pounds from all the bloating, gas, runs, and pain. my stomach looks like a balloon.

if my runs don't clear up by tonight i'll have to skip weigh in. can't go there and stink up the bathroom. that would be totally gross!!! but my scale says i've lost another 3 pounds. so let's keep it going on. this adversity only strengthens me. at least that's what i keep telling myself!

16.1 after 3 weeks!!!

It's only been 3 weeks on optifast 800, but i've lost 16.1 pounds. I feel lighter, fluffier, and just optimistic. I have my doubts at times. But the drops in my chlosterol and tryglceride numbers keep me moving forward on it. I gotta keep it going, my life depends on it!!!

Today was dental work day (boo) I got numbed up on my right side real good. I looked like I had a stroke! My kid laughed at me every time I spoke. But I strived to find my zen during the procedure. I got to listen to my Ipod, which I could barely hear, even cranked, over that UNGODLY sound of the water drill. Sounded like the noise the aliens make in the aliens movies before they attack. It actually hurt my ears. I'm on antibiotics, gotta use a special toothbrush, and dip it in prescription mouth wash. No toothpaste for the next 6-8 weeks. But I'm doing alright. The pain is minimal, which is nice. I gotta take motrin today and tomorrow to keep swelling down, but i expected it to be much worse. The lower numbing shots did hurt quite a bit. But I just zoned in on my tunes and repeated the word relax in my head. It worked for me!!! I'm good for 2 weeks then the left side gets it :(

accidentally zumba'd

so it's time to start exercising! i go to curves, where i joined last march and decide to get back on the program. they're having a zumba class. i thought zumba was one of angelina jolie's kids. i was wrong.

it's dancing. i have no balance. i fall over regularly. zumba and i don't agree with one another. i can't tell my left from my right and my hips don't roll. and because it was zumba time, they wouldn't weigh or measure me. i had to do the zumba class. it's just salsa dancing.

i don't really see why every one is so excited about it. of course, i never saw the reason why anyone wanted to sweat to the oldies with richard simmons either. i hope this too shall pass. until then i have to find a new way to exercise, because i can't zumba!

11.7 down yipee!

despite almost crashing and burning on the diet, i recovered and lost 3.1 pounds this week. my cholesterol and tryglcerides were both down by an at least 20 points! This is progress. My little pig out was 1,060 calories. I had no idea a small pizza had so many calories! Education when you are trying to lose weight is key.

The nutritionist was encouraging. I minimized my splurge and by recognizing why i splurged, mental distress, i can work to change that bad habit. she said if it happens again, instead of pizza, get a grilled chicken breast and veggies at a restaurant. Or grill a hamburger with cheese and no bun. But she'd prefer I not go ape at all and just drink the shakes and have one of their soups to take off the edge.

it's progress. i'm a work in progress, but i will win. i can do this!!!

8.8 down 71.2 to go

i lost 8.8 pounds this past week!!!

it is so hard!

i'm trying to undo the damage i've done to myself with over eating since i was a kid. i use food to cope with everything. i even had a panic attack over losing the 8.8 pounds. i had a hot dog before i got ahold of myself. i've always been the fat girl. who am i if i'm not the fat girl anymore???

i have to redefine myself by my insides instead of what i look on the outside. it is scaring the crap out of me. but i talked myself down from the ledge. i'm not doing this because of how i look.

my very life is at stake. i don't want to die before i'm 50, like Mom. I need to lose weight to save my life. My tryglcerides and chlosterol are out of control. My back, knees, and body just hurt from the extra weight.

i'm doing this because it's right for me. i want to live a long and healthy life. i don't want to be winded just getting up from a chair. i don't want to be tired just walking up the stairs. i want to run! i want to be healthy!

i can do this! i can do this! i can do this!!!!

i love to eat, but i love living more!
on with the revolution~

Day 2 shaking it up

i've been told the first 3 days will be the hardest. during the day i can stay busy, but around 8pm it gets hard. there's so much food on tv. the commercials are just cruel. the shakes are okay. i got choc. and vanilla. i did not like the strawberry. i have to stay focused and away from food. i cannot sabtoge myself this time. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this!

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.

Pizza Addiction

I am seriously addicted to pizza. My fave is green peppers, sausage, and pepperoni on a thin crust. I got one from a local place today and I've been munching on it off and on. I know my chlosterol is too high. But I can't give up pizza. Even if I can only have it once a month it's better then never at all.

This lifestyle change is killing me. I stopped going to my workouts because the kid came home and I was swamped with doing stuff with her. I've also been working alot of weekends, this one included. I have been remembering to take the med twice a day most days. I still just can't stomach most fruits and veggies. Where did my parents go wrong? My mom always made a veggie at dinner and we always had to eat our veggies.

Maybe it was this forced eating of the veggies that has led me to not wanting to even buy them, let alone eat them. It always feels like such a burden to eat my veggies. It's not that I think they taste bad. It's like they don't taste like anything at all. I do like green peppers, brocoli, cucumbers, peas, and carrots. But even if I buy them I don't fix them, because I'm so lazy. It's easier to throw something in the microwave then to get out a knife and cutting board and cut up some veggies.

I go back to the doctor in October to have my chlosterol numbers checked and if they still aren't down, good bye pizza, good bye and hello veggies. I hope the med is working. I've made changes, reduced fat cheeses, fat free pudding, diet frozen foods, vitamins and fish oil. I just hope it's enough. I pray it's enough.

Exercise Hates Me!

At what point is exercise supposed to start boosting my endorphins and increasing my energy level? I've been working out for a over a month now and I just feel like shit after every work out. My body hurts, aches, throbs for days. My back just burns with pain. I know I was out of shape to the extreme, that's why I joined Curves, because it's simple and low impact. I feel like I've been impacted by an asteroid!!!!

It makes me not want to go anymore, but I have got to lose weight. It's a catch 22 for me. I'm on meds for my cholesterol plus I'm eating a low fat diet and I've not lost any weight. I'm totally confused. It's like my body loves being fat and doesn't want to give any of it up. I will soldier on, but it's really starting to depress me.