The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Bliss

life is good, right now, in this moment, there is no fear, no hate, no insecurites, i just am, breathing, existing, peaceful, calm, content, still, and blissful.

i've had a headache since friday. fell asleep last night at 8pm, got up at 11pm, 3am, and 7am, had to put ice on my neck then heat on my back. but i went back to be around 8am and slept till 11am and my headache was gone.

now i have a pot of chili simmering on the stove, the dog is asleep after a long walk, and i'm listening to music, sitting here, watching birds outside play.

life is only as complicated as we make it. i don't need alot. and it is days like today that remind me to appreciate all that i do have. in this moment, i am content, ache free, and at peace with the world. bliss!!!

16.1 after 3 weeks!!!

It's only been 3 weeks on optifast 800, but i've lost 16.1 pounds. I feel lighter, fluffier, and just optimistic. I have my doubts at times. But the drops in my chlosterol and tryglceride numbers keep me moving forward on it. I gotta keep it going, my life depends on it!!!

Today was dental work day (boo) I got numbed up on my right side real good. I looked like I had a stroke! My kid laughed at me every time I spoke. But I strived to find my zen during the procedure. I got to listen to my Ipod, which I could barely hear, even cranked, over that UNGODLY sound of the water drill. Sounded like the noise the aliens make in the aliens movies before they attack. It actually hurt my ears. I'm on antibiotics, gotta use a special toothbrush, and dip it in prescription mouth wash. No toothpaste for the next 6-8 weeks. But I'm doing alright. The pain is minimal, which is nice. I gotta take motrin today and tomorrow to keep swelling down, but i expected it to be much worse. The lower numbing shots did hurt quite a bit. But I just zoned in on my tunes and repeated the word relax in my head. It worked for me!!! I'm good for 2 weeks then the left side gets it :(