Engaged But No Closer to Married

We got engaged Valentine's Day weekend. Cliché I know, but it is a funny story.
He made steak, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, baked asparagus, and for dessert there were chocolate covered strawberries.
Since he used the indoor grill he kept setting off the smoke alarm so the fired department came twice.
My daughter thought the 6'6" fireman was HOT!!!
The first time they came out he hadn't proposed yet.
The first time he proposed he did with a ring pop. It was cute! And the girls' had told me a real ring was coming later, so I was cool.
The second time the fire department came out he had proposed with the ring pop and they thought that was funny and sweet.

After dinner, he took me into his grandma's in-law suite to do the real proposal.
It was box inside a box deal, there were a total of 15 boxes.
I was getting tired of all the boxes, but each box had pictures and quotes from facebook from our relationship.
and he had a poem he got on-line that was geek love poem that he had me read.
The ring is an antique looking blue diamond accented with white diamonds and hearts on the side in white gold.
It's beautiful and it was a sweet well thought out proposal.
He said his Dad proposed to his Mom the same way.
I said Yes.

All the kids were there and they put the video on facebook.

We've been together 10 months now and we still have no wedding date set.
We wanted May 4th since it's international star wars day and I thought he could remember that as our anniversary;
But his 2nd wife won't sign the divorce papers.
It's getting ridiculous.
They've been separated since Dec 2011/Jan 2012.
She lives in a different state.
She has a live in boyfriend or something like that.

We've sent her the papers 4 times now.
She holds on to them for weeks, loses them, sends them back with "corrections".
He has no assets, no money, nothing for her to take.
I think she's just being a pain in his ass because she can be.
It's frustrating.

If we could move forward and start making wedding plans I think it would help with some of the kids' anxiety.
And help with some of his stress.
We've sent the papers back one more time and if she doesn't sign them this time we have to get and pay for an actual lawyer.

I'm getting just exhausted from all the ex wife drama!!!

The Cough Continues....

Bronchitis is the bitch that won't leave me alone!
I finished my antibiotics and my coughing fits are getting further apart but they are more intense.
I just can't shake them.

Now when I cough it is so intense I get light headed and I see dots and swirls of light around me.
I have lean against the closet firm object, like a wall or desk to keep from falling over.
I have to find water and a cough drop once the coughing dies down to keep it from stoping.
My kid is sick again and I told her if she passes this back to me I'm going to hurt her and I mean it!!!!!
I have been sick non-stop for the past 3 weeks and I'm exhausted.
I haven't been able to do anything, working out is impossible because I can't breathe.

I'm going to start on the exercise bike tonight and I haven't been on it since 2/12.
This is going to hurt!
I figure I'll peddle for 5 minutes, stretch, do 5 minutes more, stretch, and then do 10 minutes, stretch, and then 15 minutes.
That will get my 30 minutes in, but I know my legs and lungs will be burning!
But the doctor told me not to exercise with bronchitis.
So I listened to her but now I've finished the antibiotics almost a week ago and I feel much better so it is time to get back on it.
I just hope it doesn't trigger a stupid coughing fit, they are awful now and nothing comes up anymore.
It is almost like my lungs just seizing up because they got used to it over the past couple of weeks.
This brutally cold air hasn't helped.

I'm so ready for warmer temperatures.
No matter how I cover my mouth and nose I can't stop breathing in the cold air.
And I can't avoid going outside, I go to work, the dog wants walked, and the air is so cold.
I love winter, but I love to look at it more than I love to be in it anymore.
The chill just makes me sick all the time now.
My bones hurt along with the rest of me.
I know I'm getting old now.

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

exhaustion is queen

wow, the old place is empty!

it needs a thorough cleaning, but i have no more energy for it tonight.
bret is on the way. the irish stew is stewing.
my back is throbbing.
my head is aching.
and i have until monday night to get it all clean.

my dad is amazing and i'm so thankful for his help.
i don't think i'll move again for a couple of years.

life lessons never stop.