Pancreatic Cancer sucks!

My brother died one week before thanksgiving this year from pancreatic cancer. They found the spot on his pancreas one week after our cousin died in January and they gave him six to nine months, he lasted nearly 11 months. He was always stubborn, I am having such a hard time talking about him in past tense. I have a constant knot in my stomach, I can't eat, but I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. I miss him, I love him. I hate that he died at 52. Our Mom died at 48. Our Aunt, her sister, died at 47. It's all such a fucking tragedy, that so many in our family die so young. I worry about my Dad, he's had to bury both his parents, his wife, and now his son. It's nearly too much for a good man to bear. He looks so tired and weary. He's 76 now, he used to seem so young and invinsible to me. And now, I find myself wondering if his heart will just give out from the grief. I feel like my own heart is just going to collapse from the sadness sometimes. This year has been so very cruel to us all, hasn't it? Lock downs, quarentines, viruses, cancer, death, disease, divorces, it's bringing out the worst and the best of everyone. The world has made so much technical progress and made so little personal progression. My brother wasn't perfect, he had many flaws, but he was a fierce friend, loyal, passionate, and when he loved you, he loved you with his whole heart. But damn, when he got pissed off or angry, it was black and white, on or off, there was no middle ground with him. Dad could always calm him down, and he was always sorry afterwards and would just move on like it never happened. The doctor's said it was because of the aneurysm he had at 22, that should have killed him then. Only 1 out of 4 surive that, so he was a walking, talking miracle for 30 years. He leaves behind a legacy of love and hope, two children, and four grandchildren. And a hole in all our lives where we know he should be. God speed my brother --- I love you!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Parasites and Me

I didn't take the new job opportunity because of all my gastrointestinal issues i've been having since june. i break down and go to the doctor to get it checked out. doctor schedules several tests, takes my blood, asks for a stool sample, and a colonoscopy.

i get a call this morning from my counties infectious disease center, i have a highly contagious parasite, Giardia lamblia, i'm a host!

i probably got it from Sophie the puggle, who i was letting play and drink from the creek out back and the pond next door when we had that really really hot streak. bad idea, they are going to come out and test the water for it.

luckily i don't work at a daycare or handle food in my job so i can still work. but i had to call my doctor's office, my doctor is on vacation this week, and ask another doctor to call me in a prescription for a strong antibiotic.

i had to call the vet and they wanted a stool sample from sophie, a fresh one, so she finally pooped and i took that in and that test is $52 and we will take her to the vet on saturday to find out if she is indeed the source, and possibly a carrier of it. i wonder how much the exam and everything will cost me. but she's got to get rid of them too or i can get reinfected.

new rule, sophie and i don't share food anymore, she is getting her own little leftover bowl!!!

now my man is worried, more like my lover, is freaking out if he could have them. i told him it is passed through poop. and if you are not clean and wash your hands after the bathroom and handle foods and such. he should be fine. sex doesn't pass it unless you are into kinky stuff and we are not.

the only reason sophie gave it to me is she eats her poop sometimes and i feed her off of my spoon and fork then feed myself. which is gross, but i was doing it anyways. wow, it is great to have a diagnosis, but i'm freaking out over it!

i'm on the antibiotic for 7 days. and i got to wash my hands after every bathroom use. and i cleaned all the toilets.

cleanliness, cleanliness, cleanliness.