December Gray with Christmas Blues

This holiday season has snuck up on me. I find myself missing the holiday spirit and my brother. A year has passed since he died so very quickly. Dad is lonely without him. He has no one to complain and stump with about the current poltical climate. He is into the "alternate news". I just think there are more important and interesting things in this life to talk about then politics. It is all the same with politicals. All the fighting and finger pointing. It is always the other parties fault. No one ever accepts responsibility or takes accountability for their actions. And you can never get anyone to change their mind; they think they are always right, so what is the point; I find life blah right now. I feel redundant! I see this world full of light, gray, and darkness. The scale is always moving between the good and the evil, never in balance, never staying still, never at peace. Always at struggle, I am always struggling to keep ahead of my own demons. I am struggling to stay hopeful. I have started to take care of my health again, after neglecting it for all of 2020. I am on new diabetes medications, a new diabetes meter, working on eating healthy, and even going to the dentist for the first time in 6 years. I will have to take a day off for the dentist; having my teeth cleaned gives me a migraine. It will be a journey, my health, a day to day journey with no end. The thought overwhelms me, but I must try....

A Mishap at the Dentist

Today i went to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist. The dental hygenist can't get the water pick to work. So I have to rinse out with a cup. No big deal.
So she starts polishing my teeth and i feel something cold and wet on my legs and private area.
the water pick is shooting a steady stream of cold water onto my legs and private area.
she starts freaking out, grabs the water pick and drops it into the sink and runs out to get me a towel.
the water pick is shooting water up and out of the sink onto my chart and soaking it.
so i grab my chart and move it then i move the water pick so the water is going down into the sink.
she's really agitated now, but i can't stop laughing.
this type of thing happens to me all the time!!!

thankfully, i had on the track pants, but they were soaked and so were my panties.
i got home and changed, and hoped that was the most eventful part of my day, but it wasn't.

i ordered me a birthday present, a brand new ipad nano with the fitness chip in it.
it'll clip on and track your workouts, which i think is cool.
i double checked the address i saw on the screen and placed my order.
30 minutes later i checked my email and saw the confirmation email and the shipping address wasn't my current address!!!!
it's my old address, but the bill to address is correct.
the only address i was asked to verify was the bill to address, i thought i had checked the box that said use the bill to address as the ship to address, but guess not.

and the best part in less then 30 minutes it's already in shipping status so i can't change it.
i call the help line in a panic, i'm freaking out man,
the tech said she can't change it, but she put in notes to reroute it to my correct address.
i told her it's an apartment, what if they sign my name for it.
she says to watch the tracking on it, and if they sign my name for the delivery, i would call back and open a case, and i'd have to file fraud and theft charges against them to get a new one sent to me for no additional costs.

luckily, i still had my old landlords email address.
and luckily, he still reads his email and uses it and owns the property.
he contacted the current residents and asked them to refuse the delivery so it could reroute to me
and they agreed.

so here's hoping this rerouting thing works next week and i get my new ipod.
all my information is now correct up at apple.
the ipod is even engraved with my motto of inspiration, never quit, never surrender!
yes, i know i got it from galaxy quest, but i like it.

but i'm starting to wonder if bret's bad luck is contagious or if i'm so distracted by sexual thoughts of scott, what else am i gonna screw up
i got to get rid of these men, they are going to be the death of me.

Three Shots Today, Sucky Friday

dentist gave me 2 shots in my mouth. I just now was able to eat. It took 3 hours for the shot in my lower right side of my mouth to wear off.

then at the doctor, i got a cortizone shot into my left shoulder tendon.

i'm exhausted. and it started raining while i was walking the dog. so now i'm sweaty and wet, which just makes me feel dirty.

but my should is feeling better and it is friday.
i'm trying to be a positive person.
it is hard on a day like today.

wow, it is really really going to storm.

double d's tomorrow, lovely

i scheduled dentist and doctor appointments 3 hours apart tomorrow.
what did you think double D's meant, perves, mine are triple D's.

i have the dentist at noon to fill cavities.
i have 8 and they are perfectly symmetrical.
4 on each side and the same teeth and same level on each side.
symmetry is pretty and pleasing to my eye.
crooked is evil and ugly.

then at 2:30 i go to the doctor to find out why the left side of my chest is hot to the touch, hurts to touch, has lumps and i can't lift my arm over my head anymore. it's been killing me for over two weeks.
i knew it was time to go to the doctor when i thought about a taking a knife and cutting into the pain. crazy right, but it seemed reasonable to me at the time. luckily, my kid asked me why i had the knife pointed at my chest. snapped me out of it. i really wanted to cut myself, somehow i thought that would make the pain go away. but i throw up at the sight of blood, so it would not have worked. damn, bpd!

i am hoping my numbness from the dentist has worn off by the time i go to the doctor, otherwise the doctor might think i had a stroke.
that would be bad.

yes, tomorrow will be painful, but hopefully, the pain will be temporary and my chest and teeth will be all better.

someone disabled my biological interface filter

wow, i've really put my foot in my mouth this time. and i can't seem to stop. i've been so hopped up on caffiene for the last couple days to stay awake to get through the extra work load that my mouth has been running at 5 times the speed of my thoughts. this has resulted in some people outside my department and maybe a few in my department to get offended. i need to get my disabled biological interface filter back on line, ie.. i need to shut my trap and focus on the work.

i've been manic for like 5 days now and i'm crashing bad. i am looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow for several reasons. i get pain pills. i get to take the afternoon off of work and i'll be so numb from the procedure i won't be able to talk for at least two hours afterwords!!!!

i'm afraid the damage might already be done though. i can't take back what i said, heck, i can't remember even a quarter of what i said. someone said well you shouldn't have said that and i was like i said that, and they were like yeah. and i was honest and said i didn't remember. that is what happens when i get manic, stuff just flies out of my mouth and i don't remember what i said or to who or when. it's is crazy!!! i was craving sugar, pop, zingers, twinkies, ice cream.... i spent money i don't have and just made a general ass out of myself in front of co-workers.

yup, a sucky week and it's only wednesday. i think i've gotten myself calmed down, but now i'm so exhausted from it all i just want to sleep for a week. i really need some vacation time!!!

16.1 after 3 weeks!!!

It's only been 3 weeks on optifast 800, but i've lost 16.1 pounds. I feel lighter, fluffier, and just optimistic. I have my doubts at times. But the drops in my chlosterol and tryglceride numbers keep me moving forward on it. I gotta keep it going, my life depends on it!!!

Today was dental work day (boo) I got numbed up on my right side real good. I looked like I had a stroke! My kid laughed at me every time I spoke. But I strived to find my zen during the procedure. I got to listen to my Ipod, which I could barely hear, even cranked, over that UNGODLY sound of the water drill. Sounded like the noise the aliens make in the aliens movies before they attack. It actually hurt my ears. I'm on antibiotics, gotta use a special toothbrush, and dip it in prescription mouth wash. No toothpaste for the next 6-8 weeks. But I'm doing alright. The pain is minimal, which is nice. I gotta take motrin today and tomorrow to keep swelling down, but i expected it to be much worse. The lower numbing shots did hurt quite a bit. But I just zoned in on my tunes and repeated the word relax in my head. It worked for me!!! I'm good for 2 weeks then the left side gets it :(

teeth

my teeth hurt. i think something is stuck in between the 2 front caps. thanks to my brother, won't be specific as to which one, who shot my 2 front teeth out at the tender age of 10 with a bb gun, i've been plagued with dental issues.

my teeth aren't at their best. the caps are 21 years old, i had them put on at 16. i don't eat anything hard, like popcorn, or pulley, like taffy. my teeth are hot and cold sensitive. i have trouble biting into things like apples. you'd think i'd lose weight, but no, pizza and macaroni and cheese don't take that much biting into.

i frequently have nightmares of all my teeth falling out. and i loathe the dentist. i've spent so many hours in the dentist chair. now i don't go but every couple of years. and the latest trip the dentist told me i needed nearly $2K of work done. i got borderline cavities. i got borderline gum disease. what i don't have is the almost $1K (my portion after insurance) to get the work done. i can only go to my six month check up's and get basic cleanings.

i hate the thought of losing my teeth. i hate the pain. i hate the bleeding when i brush my teeth. it sucks. and only proves how long childhood scars can last. my teeth will always be capped until they fall out. it's shaped my life in so many ways. i will always be scarred by it. but i forgave my brother a long time ago. i just have to hope my teeth last.