woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.

Pin Cushion Day

went for my yearly female doctor visit and got poked like a pin cushion.
i am trying to have a baby now, i ain't getting any younger ya know.
so i had to get a vaccination for whooping cough, a flu shot, and blood taken to make sure all is right with my fertility.
i am not pregnant, but i've not had a period sine the last one ended sept. 4th.
i have to go back in a couple of weeks and if i still haven't started she will give me a shot to start my period again.
i'm ready to have a baby.
i'm looking forward to having a little one again.
i had hoped when i was married to have at least two, but that didn't work out.
now i am apply my ability to single mindly focus on things to conceiving.
wish me luck!

God's firework show last night.

wow, the lightning last night was amazing. we lost power for a couple of hours. so i just sat on the couch and watched the show out the window. it looked like there were several very close lightning strikes. but nothing has been fried electronically, so i'm thankful for that.

a guy's car alarm kept going off after every lightning strike. the dog kept growling every time the thunder shook the windows. the storm was fierce. i was in the middle of baking some brownies when the power went out. needless to say, they were a complete lost. i tried to continue baking them 2 hours later when we got power back and it was no good. they were goopy in the center and spongy on the edges. so i tossed them.

my should feels amazing. the cortizone shot into the tendon worked wonders. i slept so good. i feel rested and revived. i've been cleaning, walking the dog, checking out the storm damage.

i think today is going to be a good day. and i really need one of those.
thank you God for the free firework show last night.

Three Shots Today, Sucky Friday

dentist gave me 2 shots in my mouth. I just now was able to eat. It took 3 hours for the shot in my lower right side of my mouth to wear off.

then at the doctor, i got a cortizone shot into my left shoulder tendon.

i'm exhausted. and it started raining while i was walking the dog. so now i'm sweaty and wet, which just makes me feel dirty.

but my should is feeling better and it is friday.
i'm trying to be a positive person.
it is hard on a day like today.

wow, it is really really going to storm.