Being Gutted Like a Fish

The surgery got approved at the end of March i get gutted like a fish.
No more periods.
No more pressure on myself.
It will be a relief not to have a uterus or cervix.
I am nervous.
It is a big surgery with a lot of stitches.
I hope it goes well and i heal quickly.
Right now I'm trying hard not to catch anything.

My allergies and sinus' are giving my grief.
It is hard for me to stay well anymore.
I'm depressed again and I don't know why.
I'm getting a tax return that will cover almost all the deductible and out of pocket expenses.
I can set up a payment plan on the rest.

My dad will be here the entire week of my surgery.
We can go to the hockey game since it is two days before.
It is all falling into place.
But I'm anxious.
Being cut on make me that way.
I think that's normal and healthy.
I hope.

My friend had an ovarian cyst removed.
Her surgery went well.
She is in pain but not too badly.
I'm just a horrible patient.
I know that, my kid and dad really know that.
I'm awful to be around when I'm in pain and sick.
Pain in the ass can't even cover it.

I go in 3/27 i will be outpatient - overnight observe.
I go monday to do the consent papers and get the post op scheduled.
The doc will also get all the drugs called in so i can pick them up.
I have the pre op on 3/19 at the hospital.
If i have a fever or chest congestion or something shows up on the chest x-ray they won't do the surgery.
Hopefully, it will all be clear.

My stomach has hurt all day.
I think i'm ovulating, it's like my uterus knows i'm getting rid of it
and it is protesting.
My period was awful as usual.
At least I can give any pads I have left to my friend.
I will get back the $4K in cost in pads within 2 1/2 years.
Yes, that's how many pads i go through!!!!
I know right, ridiculous!

woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.