Being Gutted Like a Fish

The surgery got approved at the end of March i get gutted like a fish.
No more periods.
No more pressure on myself.
It will be a relief not to have a uterus or cervix.
I am nervous.
It is a big surgery with a lot of stitches.
I hope it goes well and i heal quickly.
Right now I'm trying hard not to catch anything.

My allergies and sinus' are giving my grief.
It is hard for me to stay well anymore.
I'm depressed again and I don't know why.
I'm getting a tax return that will cover almost all the deductible and out of pocket expenses.
I can set up a payment plan on the rest.

My dad will be here the entire week of my surgery.
We can go to the hockey game since it is two days before.
It is all falling into place.
But I'm anxious.
Being cut on make me that way.
I think that's normal and healthy.
I hope.

My friend had an ovarian cyst removed.
Her surgery went well.
She is in pain but not too badly.
I'm just a horrible patient.
I know that, my kid and dad really know that.
I'm awful to be around when I'm in pain and sick.
Pain in the ass can't even cover it.

I go in 3/27 i will be outpatient - overnight observe.
I go monday to do the consent papers and get the post op scheduled.
The doc will also get all the drugs called in so i can pick them up.
I have the pre op on 3/19 at the hospital.
If i have a fever or chest congestion or something shows up on the chest x-ray they won't do the surgery.
Hopefully, it will all be clear.

My stomach has hurt all day.
I think i'm ovulating, it's like my uterus knows i'm getting rid of it
and it is protesting.
My period was awful as usual.
At least I can give any pads I have left to my friend.
I will get back the $4K in cost in pads within 2 1/2 years.
Yes, that's how many pads i go through!!!!
I know right, ridiculous!

I Give Up

I give up.
I'm getting fixed.
The decision has been made.
The tests have been done.

There is nothing keeping me from having another child physically.
The tests showed no tumors, cysts, fibroids, cancers, blockages, etc.
My uterus is tilted and prolapsed which could make it difficult to carry to term.
But I'm 41 despite every time I go to my OB-GYN she keeps thinking I'm only in my early 30's.
I'm flattered I look so young, but I've had to correct her 3 times now.
She keeps saying are you sure you want to do the hysterectomy you're what 32-33 and I go I'm 41.
And she's like I'm sorry I keep doing that with you don't I, and I'm like yes, and she goes, you look so young.
Which again, is flattering, but really, read the top of the chart, not just the cliff notes.

So my uterus and cervix will come out but I keep my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
This will fix all my issues.
My awful, painful, extensive, blood bath periods.
I go through jumbo pad which the last bag I went through was labeled a 3 month supply based on average use.
Well, my periods aren't average.

I have to take tramadol for the pain and muscle relaxers for the cramps.
I have to change pads every hour or I bleed through them and then my pants.
Plus, the doctor said removing the uterus will take care of the prolapse which could help the pressure issue I have during sex and the leaking issue I have.
She said it might not fix all of my leak issues but it could help quite a bit.

I have the insurance now.
I have the ability to work from home for the 4-6 week recovery period now.
I have the support with my friends and daughter in place now.
I don't know if I will have that 5-6 years which is when the 2nd option will wear off.

The 2nd choice was to have my tubes tied and get an uterine ablation.
The uterine ablation itself can cause bleeding, cramping, pain, organ damage, infections and weight gain.
I have type 2 diabetes I'm working very hard to lose weight.
Any options that cause weight gain the doctor and I pretty much eliminated.
Plus, if it wears off before I start menopause I could have periods again.
I have no idea from my family history what the average age of menopause is, most the woman in my family had hysterectomies after giving birth at some point and usually by my age at the latest.

I wish I had more children, but that wasn't meant to me.
I had a year to deal with that and come to terms with it.
This is the best for my health.
Maybe someday my kid will give me a grandchild, maybe not.
I feel blessed to have been a Mother to the one child I have.
I have to do what is right for me and this is what is good for my health.

Pin Cushion Day

went for my yearly female doctor visit and got poked like a pin cushion.
i am trying to have a baby now, i ain't getting any younger ya know.
so i had to get a vaccination for whooping cough, a flu shot, and blood taken to make sure all is right with my fertility.
i am not pregnant, but i've not had a period sine the last one ended sept. 4th.
i have to go back in a couple of weeks and if i still haven't started she will give me a shot to start my period again.
i'm ready to have a baby.
i'm looking forward to having a little one again.
i had hoped when i was married to have at least two, but that didn't work out.
now i am apply my ability to single mindly focus on things to conceiving.
wish me luck!

i stopped and my garage is cleaned!!!

my period finally stopped for GOOD!!!!

i got the garage cleaned and organized. i tried to make it pretty. i hung up a floral table cloth, and some christmas lights on the wall, but the kid made me take it all down, cuz it's a garage, it ain't supposed to be pretty.

i took Sophie to the dog park this morning. we ran the car thru the car wash. and i took all the trash to the dumpster. it has been a great day.

i'm into a size 16 pant now!!! i got it going on now.

my kid wants me to be fat and lazy again. she says she's going to shove ding dongs, cupcakes, and twinkies down my throat whilst i sleep. i'm starting to remember the H in my adhd.

i'm ready to finish up, which means i have to now put away all the stuff i brought into the house.

menopause sounds really good right now

so i thought my period was done, after 15 days, but no. it started back up again this morning. if i could press a button on my body to start menopause, i'd so do it!!!

my back flipping aches, cramps are still raging, this just sucks! i called the doctor's office and wanted to make an appointment to have this checked out, but no, i have to talk to the nurse line first and it's a machine. and maybe, it's all my fracking pms'ing, but i was in no mood to tell a machine i'm having the period from hell.

i want to cry. i'm starting to think this period will not end. today i have some fun things to do, but i'll have to keep running to the bathroom to change my stupid pads out.

i guess if i'm still bleeding to death on monday i'll try the doctor again, maybe i won't want to scream into the phone when i get a machine. i know i'm being unreasonable, but it's not like i can control it. and that's my biggest problem, the more things out of my control the more i get upset. i have some serious issues, duh!!!

maybe if i take that neighbor up on his offer, sex will stop my period, it's not like he can knock me up right now.

15 days of blood

my period started july 28th and has continued, it stopped for a 1/2 day on august 1st and again on august 4th, but started again!!!

it just won't end. i am being weened off of medication and i think thata is the cause,but i think i'm going to call the ob/gyn tomorrow morning.

the bleeding is getting heavier and the cramps are getting more painful. i think my uterus is trying to escape!!!

it sucks to be female sometimes.

i have run out of pads twice. it's like the period that will not end, it goes on and on my friends!!!

Cramps

i hate life right now. i'm almost 40 and i get cramps like i'm in my 20's still. i started a birth control pill 2 months ago that was supposed to reduce cramping and the length of my period. So far, it gave me 2 periods and a trip to the hospital in November and now my Dec. period is really painful and crampy. I go to the doctor this coming Friday and see if I give it 1 more full month or kick it's sorry ass to the curb. I'm too old for this shit.

the woes of being a woman

another day of severe cramping and bleeding for naught. i'm not having another child ever, so i just bide my sweet time until menopause. how i envy women that don't have periods. my brain has been so fuddled i drove right past my exit yesterday. i didn't realize it until i saw home depot, which is right after my exit. i had lost all sense of where i was in the drive. i had to turn around and come back to it.
i hate when i space out while i'm driving. it's like i turn into a car zombie or go on automatic pilot.

my lower back has been throbbing and knotted lately. it aches and hurts and i really am getting aggravated over it. i've been using icy hot, taking over the counter stuff for it, but nothing seems to work. i know i just twisted it or strained it somehow. i think if i could lose some weight and get my bones and muscles some relief from all this hideous fat on me, then just maybe i wouldn't hurt so much.

my shoulder hurts so bad sometimes that i am tempted to take a knife and cut where the pain is, it's pressure and burning and just feels like my muscle is tied up in a knot. i know logically if i cut my shoulder with a knife not only will i still have the original pain, but there will be new pain, blood, and loads of questions about my mental health, but the temptation remains.

i've avoided asking the doctor for meds to help. i hate popping pills. but i think i've hit a full fledge flair up and if it's between slicing and dicing myself when i'm wracked with pain or taking a muscle relaxer, the pill wins. this makes me sad. i've been prescription free for over two years now, but this is the worst i've hurt in a very long time.

i guess we'll see what the doctor says when i go.

I'm too old for zits and pimples!!!

I loathe getting acne. Getting acne over the age of 25 should just be biologically impossible. And my pimples and zits form in the most uncomfortable places. The edge at the bottom of my nose. The corner of my mouth. Or worse I can feel a pimple under my skin, but it won't come to a head, but it hurts. I keep putting hot water on it, hoping to draw it out, so I can pop the son of a bitch, but it continues to defy. I admit I don't get alot of acne, Thank GOD!!! But I'm almost 38, and the fact that every month about a week before my period I get some huge ass pimple somewhere on my face, neck or ears just pisses me off!!!

I also think that since I'm done having children I should just be able to tell my body to go into menopause. I shouldn't have to wait or have surgery. I should just be able to will myself into it. Life as a woman is so unfair. My brother said that it's wrong when something bleeds so much and doesn't die, of course, he was talking about his female dog, but it could apply to woman in general as well. He knew that too. That's why I got my dog fixed as soon as I could. Three females in one house PMSin' at the same time - NO WAY!!! One of us had to get fixed, I pointed to my kid, and she pointed to the dog. Plus, the dog wouldn't keep her little female pads on, she'd rip them off and up. Huge mess!!!

Now I'm off to mess with this pre-pimple. I got two this month. Aren't I blessed!