I Give Up

I give up.
I'm getting fixed.
The decision has been made.
The tests have been done.

There is nothing keeping me from having another child physically.
The tests showed no tumors, cysts, fibroids, cancers, blockages, etc.
My uterus is tilted and prolapsed which could make it difficult to carry to term.
But I'm 41 despite every time I go to my OB-GYN she keeps thinking I'm only in my early 30's.
I'm flattered I look so young, but I've had to correct her 3 times now.
She keeps saying are you sure you want to do the hysterectomy you're what 32-33 and I go I'm 41.
And she's like I'm sorry I keep doing that with you don't I, and I'm like yes, and she goes, you look so young.
Which again, is flattering, but really, read the top of the chart, not just the cliff notes.

So my uterus and cervix will come out but I keep my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
This will fix all my issues.
My awful, painful, extensive, blood bath periods.
I go through jumbo pad which the last bag I went through was labeled a 3 month supply based on average use.
Well, my periods aren't average.

I have to take tramadol for the pain and muscle relaxers for the cramps.
I have to change pads every hour or I bleed through them and then my pants.
Plus, the doctor said removing the uterus will take care of the prolapse which could help the pressure issue I have during sex and the leaking issue I have.
She said it might not fix all of my leak issues but it could help quite a bit.

I have the insurance now.
I have the ability to work from home for the 4-6 week recovery period now.
I have the support with my friends and daughter in place now.
I don't know if I will have that 5-6 years which is when the 2nd option will wear off.

The 2nd choice was to have my tubes tied and get an uterine ablation.
The uterine ablation itself can cause bleeding, cramping, pain, organ damage, infections and weight gain.
I have type 2 diabetes I'm working very hard to lose weight.
Any options that cause weight gain the doctor and I pretty much eliminated.
Plus, if it wears off before I start menopause I could have periods again.
I have no idea from my family history what the average age of menopause is, most the woman in my family had hysterectomies after giving birth at some point and usually by my age at the latest.

I wish I had more children, but that wasn't meant to me.
I had a year to deal with that and come to terms with it.
This is the best for my health.
Maybe someday my kid will give me a grandchild, maybe not.
I feel blessed to have been a Mother to the one child I have.
I have to do what is right for me and this is what is good for my health.

Hippity Dippity Do

This trying to be healthy thing is going to kill me.
I eat more fiber my stomach swells up and i feel like i'm going to implode.
I cut back on sugar and carbs and i get freezing cold and shake all the time.
I do yoga to stretch out myself and improve circulation and posture and i injure my back and hip.

i've hurt my hip so much i know have snapping hip syndrome. no lie.
the doctor can even hear it when i move my knee up my chest, a loud POP!
And it hurts so bad I cry.

Xray was good, no stress fracture, no deformations, no tears.
There is just a lot of swelling and that is causing the pain.
Now i am winding down my steroid dosage and the pain is back as fierce as ever.
so now i have to make an appt. with the the bone doctor so i can get a shot straight into my hip.
sounds like some fun.

in the mean time, i'm supposed to be resting my hip.
how do you rest a hip i asked my regular doctor?
he said it is really hard but stay off my leg, don't get up and down a lot, and just rest it.
well today i took a walking tour with my kid at OSU, she's looking to transfer there to get a 4 year,
after she finishes her two year studies at Hocking Technical College.

needless to say my hip does NOT feel rested it feels like it is on fire!!!

so i'm 40 years old and i'm falling apart!
yup, falling apart!

No More Secrets and Lies

i gave up my biggest secret.
i know the fallout for me is minimal.
i feel bad and relieved all at the same time.
i don't know what the future holds for myself and them, but at least there's no more secrets and lies.

i am going to keep moving forward.
i know i'm alone.
i was warned me this would happen.
he's made a promise now but i don't know if he can keep it.
i know i couldn't keep mine to him.

what motivates me?

a guilty conscience, jealousy, loneliness, and desire for what will never be mine.

all of the above were my motivations.
i've been thinking about telling the secret for months.
it started after i lost the baby.
it weighed heavily on my heart, maybe if i wasn't lying and keeping secrets i'd still be pregnant.
i feel like karma was punishing me and the only way to square it up was to tell.

i never promised i wouldn't tell.
that is the promise you should have had me make.
that is the promise i could have kept.

back to the doctor tomorrow to have blood work done
and to see if a mole on my nose needs to be checked for cancer.

for once i am wishing it was monday already

scott said monday he's coming down and staying awhile. he has frustrations to work out.
him and me both!!! i saw him alot today and it killed me not to be able to touch him.
i just wanted to stroke his goatee and kiss is bald head, but i couldn't.
his son gave me a hug and was playing with sophie the puggle.
sophie loves the kids and they were out in full force today.

i had a very boring tedious frustrating week.
the kid keeps whining about the car, she can't get the stick thing down.
she keeps stalling out, it took her a 1/2 hour to get the car into reverse.
scott is willing to switch out the manual for the jeep he has which is an automatic,
but it's more money and he wants me to pay for all the title switching.
i told the kid to drive it home wednesday and we'd talk it over.
she says she's concerned for her saftey.

thursday after work i had a drink or 10 down at the other neighbor who was always wanting to touch my boobs.
i made a pass at him, i was really agressive, the more he turned me down the more i drank.
he wouldn't even kiss me, seriously, all i got was a bible brochure for the jehovah witness'
he's trying to get right with God. that's cool.

it's not the most creative excuse i've gotten from a man turning me down for sex,
my fave was i think i'm gay, then the very next year he married another woman.
why can't guys just say i don't want to have sex with you because your fat and ugly.

i felt so rejected, i called his bluff and he didn't even nibble.
and i showed him my boobies again.
i said look at them, why did you think they looked like gum drops?
he said, well now that i see them really well they're better then gum drops.
i laughed and laughed.

i came home and puked.
i passed out for 4 hours then woke up after midnight.
i couldn't get back to sleep so i signed into work around 3AM.
by the time i went to the ob/gyn at 9 i had work almost a whole day.
so friday i took it easy and rested then worked 2 - 4.

if scott doesn't show up monday i'm going to be so pissed off.
i have to pee on a little stick every morning to see if i'm ovulating.
then i have to have sex within 24-36 hours after the stick is positive.
if i don't ovulate in a month or by my next period i have to go back to the doctor
and she's going to put me on a pill that will cause me to ovulate.
it's a fertility drug, i told her i don't want to be an octomom, just one or two is cool.
she said the chance for twins does increase, but triplets are rare.
so i hope i am still ovulating.

i bought the cutest little pair of baby booties.
they are green and yellow striped with little yellow duckies on them.
i kiss them then rub them on my belly.
i have no idea why i do that, i'm hoping it'll bring me luck.
i like the name jack samuel for a boy.
i like the name savannah colleen for a girl.
it's all on scott, he's the one that's going to knock me up, i just know it.

A Car, A Boy, and Sex

wow, thursday afternoon began a crazy weekend. scott showed up to get his money for the car.
he threw me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, got busy, pulled my hair and choked me.
i ain't ever been taken like that and i LIKED it!!! damn!

after work i went and got the kid and her boyfriend. he's okay. of course, i'm not going to be crazy about the boy that took my daughter's virginity, but he's better then that douche she dated in high school. she's very bossy with him, but he stands up to her, which is exactly what she needs. but feeding them is expensive, not to mention she went to the doctor friday and she has bronchitis and a sinus infection, so i had to get her meds too. and he's got a cough, so i bought him cough drops and cough meds. he's going to the doctor next weekend. sophie the puggle really likes him, cuz he pets her all the time.

friday, scott came over and we went over to his best friends' house to get the title on the car. his friend and his wife seemed really nice. i didn't talk much, i just observed. he and scott have been best friends for over 15 years.
scott says he moved to ohio because his best friend did. and scott introduced his best friend to his wife when he worked with his wife. they're really close.

i wondered if they liked scott's current live in girlfriend. and if they like me or not. scott and i just talked while we were in the car. it was nice. we usually are busy fooling around and don't really talk.

i told him my kid is bossy with her boyfriend and he said she's dominant then, and i said, yes she takes after me.
he couldn't stop laughing, he said you aren't dominant, and i said i usually am the dominant one, but i'm not with you.
he is the exception to my one rule, to not be submissive to a man or let him have power over me.

he has shattered my one rule to a million pieces.

he didn't believe that i'm normally the dominant one in a relationship. if he talked to anyone i've dated in the past, except bret, he'd see different. i had such high hopes for bret being my one exception, but he was NOT dominant in the bedroom. it was a let down.

so saturday i went and got the temp tags for the car, my driver's license renewed, and my registration done. a very expensive trip, and next month to get the plates and registration on the new car is $110. my kid is always costing me money, but i love her.

we had to jump start the car because it had been sitting for a week. i put $20 of gas in it then they followed me to the dog park, because it has a huge parking lot for the kid to learn to drive the manual car in it. they let sophie play at the dog park then they practised driving. she keeps stalling it and had trouble with 3rd and 4th gear.

so i asked scott to come down and take her out for a driving lesson without the boyfriend. they were gone about an hour. he said she can do it, she just has to focus, he had her on a hill and she did fine. so he said let her drive to wal-mart with me in the car and don't say anything.

his exact words to me "get in, hold on, shut up"

i did that and the boyfriend kept talking. we almost rolled back into a car. so they did a chinese fire drill at a light. but it's progress!!!!

today they go have lunch with the boyfriend's mom, she hasn't met him yet. then they go back to campus. i told her she has to keep gas in the car. i will have my peace and quiet back by 3pm, yipee!!!!

just in time for me to sign into work!

so relieved

i've lost 50 pounds since this time last year. i've lost 9 pounds since i was at the doctor in septemember. my sugar went down from 6.4 in september to the 6.1 the ob/gyn did last week. my doctor was so proud of me, she hugged me.

she told me to stay motivated through the holidays and she'd see me in feb and she's confident if i keep exercising and losing weight my sugar will drop back down below 6 which is normal.

i told her i was confused on carbs and how many i should eat a day. she told me to keep the carbs under 120 per day and to make them come from fruits, whole grains, and vegtables. she says i'm doing everything right and it's just going to take more time. she said she'd be thrilled if i could just take off 20 more pounds.

i feel so much better now. i was all worked up about it. i got my flu shot too.

i feel great and healthy. my fms, mood swings, and general blahness is gone for the most part. i told her the sugar thing had been depressing me, but she was encouraging and confident that i could get it under control with no medications.

this is such happy happy news!!!
life is looking good right now.
i can do this, this is my year!!!

Pin Cushion Day

went for my yearly female doctor visit and got poked like a pin cushion.
i am trying to have a baby now, i ain't getting any younger ya know.
so i had to get a vaccination for whooping cough, a flu shot, and blood taken to make sure all is right with my fertility.
i am not pregnant, but i've not had a period sine the last one ended sept. 4th.
i have to go back in a couple of weeks and if i still haven't started she will give me a shot to start my period again.
i'm ready to have a baby.
i'm looking forward to having a little one again.
i had hoped when i was married to have at least two, but that didn't work out.
now i am apply my ability to single mindly focus on things to conceiving.
wish me luck!

Mr. Sun I am so pissed off at u right now

my vitamin d is still way too low. so now i have to take 1,000 units a day plus the 50,000 units weekly. and if in 3 more months it isn't normal i have to have a bone scan to see if my bones have begun to thin. that scares the crap out of me. i have been sitting out in the sun a 1/2 hour every day in the early evening exposing as much skin as i can, i have been walking out in the sun every day with as much skin as possible exposed and it only went up 3 points from last time. I am NOT happy with Mr. Sun right now.

I hate fish. doc recommended i start eating fish like catfish, salmon, tuna with oil, my face said it all, doc was like i know u hate to eat fish. i hate to smell them, let alone eat them. they are disgusting!!!! I can't even take fish oil, it makes me sick, gives me a headache afterwards. Can you be allergic to fish?

i got another prescription to pick up and i have to find a vitamin d supplement with the 1,000 units in it! if pizza had vitamin D in it, i'd be set!

Three Shots Today, Sucky Friday

dentist gave me 2 shots in my mouth. I just now was able to eat. It took 3 hours for the shot in my lower right side of my mouth to wear off.

then at the doctor, i got a cortizone shot into my left shoulder tendon.

i'm exhausted. and it started raining while i was walking the dog. so now i'm sweaty and wet, which just makes me feel dirty.

but my should is feeling better and it is friday.
i'm trying to be a positive person.
it is hard on a day like today.

wow, it is really really going to storm.

double d's tomorrow, lovely

i scheduled dentist and doctor appointments 3 hours apart tomorrow.
what did you think double D's meant, perves, mine are triple D's.

i have the dentist at noon to fill cavities.
i have 8 and they are perfectly symmetrical.
4 on each side and the same teeth and same level on each side.
symmetry is pretty and pleasing to my eye.
crooked is evil and ugly.

then at 2:30 i go to the doctor to find out why the left side of my chest is hot to the touch, hurts to touch, has lumps and i can't lift my arm over my head anymore. it's been killing me for over two weeks.
i knew it was time to go to the doctor when i thought about a taking a knife and cutting into the pain. crazy right, but it seemed reasonable to me at the time. luckily, my kid asked me why i had the knife pointed at my chest. snapped me out of it. i really wanted to cut myself, somehow i thought that would make the pain go away. but i throw up at the sight of blood, so it would not have worked. damn, bpd!

i am hoping my numbness from the dentist has worn off by the time i go to the doctor, otherwise the doctor might think i had a stroke.
that would be bad.

yes, tomorrow will be painful, but hopefully, the pain will be temporary and my chest and teeth will be all better.

medicated

well, nothing is infected, YET! but my throat is all red and irritated. doc gave me an anti-depressant that should help with my pain and sleep and depression. i think that's alot to expect of one medication. doc says if not better in 2-3 weeks then to come back in. my blood work showed improvements in my chlosterol and tryglcerides, but my vitamin D was low. so the doc gave me a vitamin d prescription as well. i have to take 1 vitamin d pill once a week for 12 weeks then go have blood drawn to see if it's working.

everyone is telling me just go out in the sun more, uh, what sun????
this winter has been dark, dreary, and mostly sunless. and march has been no better, we had snow on the ground friday, yesterday was cloudy, and today is cold and cloudy. i'd go out and get some sun if i ever saw any.

i am so ready for summer, but then i'll complain it's too hot!
i'm never happy with what i got.

back to the doctor

so it's back to the doctor in the morning, they should just put in a revolving door for me. this year has been insane with sickness. and it's really depressing me. so much now, i want an anti-depressant. but with all due consideration, my shoulder and knee are in a constant state of pain, and my headaches are endless. i did have 3 days in a row last week with no headache. i sneezed, coughed, and sniffled, but all the junk kept coming out onto the snot rag, so no headache!!!

i'm doing a whole bunch of nothing. i keep my knee up and iced. i icy hot my shoulder. i just want to sleep all through the night. i toss and turn to go to sleep, so it's around midnight before i'm out. then i wake up between 4-6am to pee and let the dog out to do the same. i wake up like i never slept and it's really starting to impact my ability to function. to say i am not firing on all cylinders is an understatement. i'm like fully loaded and half-cocked or is the half-loaded and fully cocked???

i can't even put a sentence together. sheesh!!!
tonight is it bed time yet?

Unbalanced it is!

well, i've written in the past about my various falling over's and just plain laziness of gravity keeping me upright. I went to the ear doctor and my ears are fine. So I was scheduled for a balance test to make sure the stuff inside my brain that keep me balanced are working. FUN!!!

Yesterday, I set off for my 11:30 appt. at 11. The test is at the same place where the ear doctor is, so I was just there like 3 weeks ago. I hopped on the interstate confident that I know where I am going. I am WRONG!!!
I have no clue where I am going. Nothing looks familiar. I take the first exit and while I am starting to panic I see the name of the street that I want on another exit, so I am relieved and I take that exit.

I exit on that exit and I am not on that street. I have no idea if I go left or right. So I go right. It looks really WRONG. So after a few minutes I turn around and go back the other way. I call my kid on the cell phone and have her get on map quest to find out where I am. I finally get to the road and take a left. And I pass a building I remember from the first trip!!!! Yipee!!!! I arrive 3 minutes before my appointment!

The test is odd. It involves flashing lights, no blinking, having my head shaken back and forth, sitting up and down really fast, wearing some goggles that make me feel like batman. Then the last part is getting cold then warm air blown into my ears, first the left then the right.

My left ear with both cold then warm air sends the room spinning like crazy!!! My right ear, nothing, not even a little bit of swaying. So the audiologist does my right ear a 2nd time. The 2nd time I get a bit woozy. Nothing like what happens when the left ear has the air blown in it. I found the warm air to be soothing and almost fall asleep, I likes it!!!!

So the audiologist tells me there's approx. a 20% difference between the left side balance system and the right side balance system. I ask her what that means and she says she has to analysis all the results and the doctor's assistant will call me today or Monday with them and next steps. But she's sure that my balance systems are not insynch, aka, it's official I am unbalanced!!!

i knew this would happen

my plans are being foiled for my trip to indy
and it just sucks.

i wanted to rent a car. the location i wanted has been closed.
since my visa is a debit visa, they wanted to place a $300 hold on it!!!
i said no, i'll just drive my car.

so i got to squeeze in an oil change tonight and get the headlight replaced.
plus, go pay off the new couch, which i've been so excited about.
i hope they can deliver it on monday. dual reclining with a center console!

i ordered dominoe's for lunch at 2pm after i get poked and prodded at the ob/gyn. i figured the appt. would seem more bareable if i was coming home to fresh italian sandwiches and hot wings for gab. got a coupon, so it wasn't too bad. cuz the pizza from dominoes still sucks, even after they made all those so called improvements.

i loathe my yearly pap smear. if guys hate a prostate check, they have no concept on what it is live to get a pap smear. here's hoping all my pieces and parts are where they are supposed to be and healthy.

wish me luck!

Back Pains

I have fibromyalgia syndrome (fms). I've been told by different doctors that it's
1 - an over active nerve condition
2 - a sleep disorder
3 - all in my head
4 - a neuron transmitter issue in the brain

I have gotten used to the constant throbs and aches that range from annoying to excruciatingly painful. I've gotten used to the fact that any physical activity I do results in huge pain. I've tried excercise, diet, medications, prayer and physical therapy. I've been to web sites, read books, consulted specialist, and heard opinions of the non medical people who think they know how to fix your ailments. And all that I know is that after 10 years of this crap I'm just tired of it all.

I've accepted that no one really knows what causes fms, how to treat fms, or if you ever get cured of fms. What works for one person won't work for another and what really gets frustrating is that approximately every 6-12 months what ever was working stops working and you are back to square one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new brain! The fms, bi-polar disorder, and borderline personality disorder are all connected to the brain and how it functions. Clearly, my brain does not function well. It's broken and needs replaced. Talk to anyone who knows me and they would agree and only be 1/2 kidding. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the healthy one, the thin one, the thoughtful one, the creative one, the tactful one, the happy one, the pretty one. I am simply the crazy obesely fat one!

I did come up with a few guidelines in my treatment protocols. I will be put on no medication unless it's been on the market long enough to have a generic. I learned this the hard way when bextra was working wonderfully for me and it got pulled off the market because it was causing deaths. I also will not let any doctor try to tell me fms doesn't exist. It does. I feel it and live with it every day. And the final guideline is get lots of rest, drink lots of fluids, and remember suicide is not a solution! (merely a temptation and coward's way out)

No one ever told me life would be easy or fun or interesting. My parents were wise to critize me, let me fall down, tell me the truth, and not coddle me in fear of hurting my feelings. Because of how I was raised, with love, sarcasm, and self-deprecating humor I am able to survive this one day at a time. I can even laugh sometimes. So it's not all bad, but right now the bad and the good are tied.

So I'm off to lie down, in hopes my arms will stop aching, my back will stop throbbing, and my dizziness and headache will pass. The ibprofen taken. The hot shower and icy hot is next. And I'll hope like a fool, that tomorrow will be a better less painful day.