Deep Cuts with Shallow Weapons

it's amazing how silence can cut a heart in two.
how him not saying something can shatter you.
he masters the art of not being there.
yes, he says, go on without me,
like he's giving me some great gift to live without him.
the arrogance he has doesn't keep him warm at night,
but neither does he keep me warm at night.

it was more then i imagined in the beginning and less then i had hoped for in the end.
he's not anything to me anymore,
we began lovers, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to lovers and now there's nothing at all.
we aren't friends, it's like our small pond of emotions and passions got dried up in a drought of neglect.

i do miss him, but that's my fault.
nearly 6 months of this back and forth has me depressed and exhausted.
the worst part is no little baby to hold on to.
that's the disappointment, nothing to ever show how much i love him.
in weeks, he'll be a sometime afterthought, like a mirage in the desert of my loneliness.

his lack of words was his greatest weapon and it cut me so deeply i don't think i'll recover.

No More Secrets and Lies

i gave up my biggest secret.
i know the fallout for me is minimal.
i feel bad and relieved all at the same time.
i don't know what the future holds for myself and them, but at least there's no more secrets and lies.

i am going to keep moving forward.
i know i'm alone.
i was warned me this would happen.
he's made a promise now but i don't know if he can keep it.
i know i couldn't keep mine to him.

what motivates me?

a guilty conscience, jealousy, loneliness, and desire for what will never be mine.

all of the above were my motivations.
i've been thinking about telling the secret for months.
it started after i lost the baby.
it weighed heavily on my heart, maybe if i wasn't lying and keeping secrets i'd still be pregnant.
i feel like karma was punishing me and the only way to square it up was to tell.

i never promised i wouldn't tell.
that is the promise you should have had me make.
that is the promise i could have kept.

back to the doctor tomorrow to have blood work done
and to see if a mole on my nose needs to be checked for cancer.