No More Secrets and Lies

i gave up my biggest secret.
i know the fallout for me is minimal.
i feel bad and relieved all at the same time.
i don't know what the future holds for myself and them, but at least there's no more secrets and lies.

i am going to keep moving forward.
i know i'm alone.
i was warned me this would happen.
he's made a promise now but i don't know if he can keep it.
i know i couldn't keep mine to him.

what motivates me?

a guilty conscience, jealousy, loneliness, and desire for what will never be mine.

all of the above were my motivations.
i've been thinking about telling the secret for months.
it started after i lost the baby.
it weighed heavily on my heart, maybe if i wasn't lying and keeping secrets i'd still be pregnant.
i feel like karma was punishing me and the only way to square it up was to tell.

i never promised i wouldn't tell.
that is the promise you should have had me make.
that is the promise i could have kept.

back to the doctor tomorrow to have blood work done
and to see if a mole on my nose needs to be checked for cancer.

My Lost Hope

i lost the baby.
i started to miscarry yesterday morning.
i've lost all hope.
the doctor reassured me these things happen and it's not my fault.

i feel literally empty.
i feel helpless.
i feel lost.
i thought about killing myself.
but i made a promise not to try that again.
i have a lot of flaws but i do keep my promises.

the doctor still wants me to come in on my appt.
she says i can try again in a couple of months.

i really don't want to talk about.
i've informed scott and bret via fb.
i really don't want to hear either of them say it's for the best.
or any other supposedly comforting remarks when i know they are both doing happy dances of relief.

bret really disappointed me.
he started acting like scott.
he's back with lynn and he said he wasn't taking a paternity test until after scott did.
that even if he was the father i'd be on my own cuz he's going to be with lynn.
he turned really really petty, mean, and ugly on me.
and i know it was lynn talking through him.
i will never speak to bret again.

i really really wanted my baby.