The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

My Lost Hope

i lost the baby.
i started to miscarry yesterday morning.
i've lost all hope.
the doctor reassured me these things happen and it's not my fault.

i feel literally empty.
i feel helpless.
i feel lost.
i thought about killing myself.
but i made a promise not to try that again.
i have a lot of flaws but i do keep my promises.

the doctor still wants me to come in on my appt.
she says i can try again in a couple of months.

i really don't want to talk about.
i've informed scott and bret via fb.
i really don't want to hear either of them say it's for the best.
or any other supposedly comforting remarks when i know they are both doing happy dances of relief.

bret really disappointed me.
he started acting like scott.
he's back with lynn and he said he wasn't taking a paternity test until after scott did.
that even if he was the father i'd be on my own cuz he's going to be with lynn.
he turned really really petty, mean, and ugly on me.
and i know it was lynn talking through him.
i will never speak to bret again.

i really really wanted my baby.