Cigarettes, Anger, and Regrets

i have been foolish again.
i made poor decisions again.
i drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and got totally trashed man for New Year's Eve.
I woke with the hang over plus i felt like i had eaten a cigarette.
i only smoke when i drink and i drank and smoked way too much.

i sent an angry message to scott, belittling the size of his penis.
i do prefer the smaller tool he has.
my uterus is slightly prolapsed and too big of a penis hits my cervix and hurts.
but i'm angry that i was lonely.
it's my fault really.
i let him come and go as he pleases.

i put a cigarette out on the trunk of his neon.
he fb'ed me back asking why i had anger directed towards him.
i guess i've let myself simmer for too long.
but when he touches me i can't think.
let alone tell him how he makes me feel.

everything is just fine and dandy,
but when he leaves me,
i'm unsatisfied, wet, horny, frustrated and just twisted up.
he makes me feel so excited then it's like he drops me and i shatter.
i want to be more to him then an easy lay.
the more i get to know him the more i want to know him.
it is a dire situation.

i think this one is over my head.
i deserve better.
even a fuck buddy treats u better then this.
5 months and not one orgasim for me.
he's right, it's not fair.
and i'm bored with the games he plays.

at least my headache is gone now.
my tummy feels somewhat better.
i want to have movie nights, snuggle time, silly moments.
affection nicknames, smacks on the ass, and regular sex.
i want a macaroni for all my cheese.

a rough morning

well, i took a nap for like 2 hours before the movie. i felt like i'd been drugged, everything was fuzzy, and i felt numb, and my limbs did not want to move. the only seats we could find at the HP D2 movie were in the very first row, so i spent the whole movie trying to recline in a seat that doesn't recline. i enjoyed the movie, my kid was disappointed harry didn't wake up naked in kings cross station. she was hoping they'd keep that, but we were very pleased with the bellatrix and mrs. weasley battle. the death of voldemort wasn't as thrilling.

i was wide awake once the movie started. we got home around 3am, had to put the pup outside to do her business and then i finished the leftovers from olive garden where we had gone to dinner earlier. i fell right back to sleep, but i started waking up every 30 minutes looking at the clock starting at 6AM, so when the alarm finally went off at 7:50AM i felt hung over, but i'm working through it.

i felt like calling in sick, but i've been doing that alot lately. it's the stress and just because i'm feeling worn doesn't mean i'm sick. although, the number of my headaches has doubled. i don't have one right at the moment and this is the exception rather then the rule. it's been a rough morning, but i hope for a better evening. it is friday after all and i don't work this weekend, sweet!!!!

forgot to take meds this morning

i knew i forgot to do something this morning. i hate when my schedule and routine are messed with. getting up at 6 so i can go to work then the kid can take the car after dropping me off and she gets to work by 8 sucks.

i figured out by 9 what i forgot, my eyes were watering. i was sneezing. i had a headache and i hurt and ached. i forgot to take my morning meds. allergy pill, savella (fms) and my tryglceride med. it was an EXTREMELY LONG DAY!!!

i was working 7 - 4 and i told my boss, wow, i'm exhausted it must be close to 4 and he said no it's not even 2:30 yet!!!! These kind of days, where they go on forever, just suck.

i had to come home and take my day meds with my night meds. i laid down to just make sure, but i'm not hungry and now i'm not tired. so happy tomorrow is a work from home day!!!

Bliss

life is good, right now, in this moment, there is no fear, no hate, no insecurites, i just am, breathing, existing, peaceful, calm, content, still, and blissful.

i've had a headache since friday. fell asleep last night at 8pm, got up at 11pm, 3am, and 7am, had to put ice on my neck then heat on my back. but i went back to be around 8am and slept till 11am and my headache was gone.

now i have a pot of chili simmering on the stove, the dog is asleep after a long walk, and i'm listening to music, sitting here, watching birds outside play.

life is only as complicated as we make it. i don't need alot. and it is days like today that remind me to appreciate all that i do have. in this moment, i am content, ache free, and at peace with the world. bliss!!!

finally headache free

Thank GOD!!! Woke up this Sunday morning headache free at 4AM sneezing my head off. I guess whatever was stuck up in my head came out my nose. totally gross and disgusting, but what sweet relief.

the weather is going to be sweet today. i think i'll take Sophie to the dog park this afternoon. I can't over do it or my headache might come back, but she's such a good pup. She loves seeing all the birds out. She gets so excited and forgets she's attached to me via the leash and nearly yanks my arm out of the socket to chase them birdies.

she's so silly, thinking she's a bird dog, when i know she's a couch laying, pizza eating, squeaky ball dog!

got my fingers crossed i am on the road to recovery!!!

spring brings me headaches

my head has been aching since sunday. i think i gotta call the doc today and see if it's
A - a cold
B - another sinus infection (that would make 2 since Jan.)
C - an ear infection
D - allergies

the right side of my head over my eye, around my ear and down into my jaw and neck have been killing me. i've tried every non prescription pain reliever known to human kind since sunday and none work. i took claritin this morning in a final attempt to see if it's an allergy, but it hasn't worked.

i can't remember a time in my life when i did not get headaches!
migrains, tension headaches, flu, cold, sinus, allergies, etc...
if there's a headache to be gotten i get it and i just don't think that's fair. i have a friend that says she only gets a headache when she has a cold or the flu. i was jealous.

i tracked once how often i got a headaches in the course of a month, i had some sort of headache 26 out of 30 days that month!!! I've been cat scanned, MRI'd, etc... I'm told there is nothing wrong with my brain. but it hurts more often then not. I just need a brain transfer! Sign me up to be first in line for that medical experiment.