Sick and Cranky

i've lost five pounds since my last post.
i'm averaging about a pound a day and that's while i'm on my period.
it isn't easy to break myself of my lazy ways.
i've been fantasizing about covering myself in chocolate syrup and letting a certain male lick it off,
then i cover him and do the same.
sweet, sweet, dreams they are indeed.

but i stick to the plan i created for myself.
it doesn't help that i'm sick again.
this stupid cold i caught from a neighbor has taken up residency in my head.
i think now i have a sinus and/or ear infection.
so i need to get into the doctor this week.

i take my vitamins.
i'm eating healthy foods.
i'm exercising.
but i get sick so easily.
i catch any little thing i'm exposed to.
all my neighbor did was lean in and talk to me.

i think i'm going to have to start wearing one of those surgical masks.
or put myself in bubble.
i wonder how expensive bubbles are.
the bubble would never work, sophie the puggle would think i'm her new dog toy.
i see many issues with that situation.

i'm just trying to live my life the best way i can.
but i can't do anything right.
i fail at everything i try.

i fail in relationships.
i fail at sex.
i fail at getting healthy.
i fail at being a good mom.
i fail at saving money.
i fail at supporting myself.
i am a BIG FAT FAILURE!!!!

sickness makes me cranky!

i screwed it up like always

so Monday goes by and he doesn't show. he finally fb's me to say he's still at work.
by now i'm getting a migraine, so i decide to take the medication the doctor gave me for when i feel the start of a migraine. i take two as directed.

about 2 hours later the doorbell rings and it's him. or i think it's him. i was stoned out of my ever loving mind.
i couldn't talk. i don't know how i was walking. i don't know if it was a dream or if it really happened.
i'm hoping it was an hallucination, which is a side effect of the meds, along with slurred speech, sharp stabbing pains in my arms, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness, numbness, and my favorite a decrease in sexual ability.

i had all the above and according to the internet i should have gone to the emergency room.
but instead i think i tried and failed miserably to have sex with scott.
and i was so looking forward to it.
i don't even know if he popped my ass cherry.
it's not like i could feel it, i couldn't feel anything.
i was high, i was numb.

i did pass out.
and i woke up with no migraine.
so that part worked.
but i threw them in trash
the side effects aren't worth it.

i sent scott a fb apology.
if he was here i really fucked it up.
i think i give up.
we shouldn't have to work this hard to be together.
i'm too lazy for it.