Summer Heat and Money Blues

the heat is getting to everyone.
people are snapping, cranky, and just unpleasant to be around.
i haven't seen my man in over a week.
he's working 70 hour weeks.
since he's not introduced me to his kids i can't see him when he's home with them.
i just miss him and that makes me cranky.
he says tomorrow definitely.
i just hate not being with him more.
i come in third with this one, kids, work and then me.
he says we will spend more time together once i'm pregnant.
that puts a lot of pressure on me to get pregnant.
i'm focusing my excess time into weight loss.
i'm hoping getting my bmi below 30 will help trigger ovulation.
he wants it to happen naturally, no fertility pills to help.
i'm hoping if after 6 months of trying he will change his mind.
we will have to see.
we've only been together 3 months now, so there's even more time ahead of us.

there never seems to be enough lately.
there's not enough money to pay all the bills.
i quit eating out to save money.
of course, the grocery bill went up.
now after nearly two weeks 95% of the food i bought is gone and we still have 2 days until i get paid and can go to the grocery store.

the kid doesn't begin her job until the 2nd week of july.
all she does is sit on her ass, watch tv, play on her laptop and eat.
i think that is the reason why 2 weeks worth of food barely lasted a week and two days.
i have to nag her to do anything else around her.
and nag her i do.

it's been too hot to walk even at 9pm at night.
it is the humidity that bothers me the most.
i hate feeling sticky.
and the next week it is going to very hot and sticky.
so i began my new work out routine, the wii.
an 1/2 hour in the morning and then in the evening.
maybe the kid will join me and she'll get off the couch!

my baby cousin turned 5.
everyone was telling her to make a wish.
she looked at me and asked what a wish was.
i told her it is something you want but don't have.
i told her to wish cousin shannon had a million bucks.
every one laughed.
i told her if she wanted something, like a new doll, or to spend all day in the pool, or to go see grandma, just make a wish, say i wish i had a new doll.
wishes are lucky on birthdays and shooting stars.
i don't think she quite got it, but i tried.
i miss having a little one to explain all those things too.

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

Die Monday Die!!!

today sucked!!! this monday was nothing but disappointment, bad news, problems, errors, and just bullshit!!!

bret's court date got cancelled, so i won't see him this week at all :(
he sounded super bummed too, he really just wants to get back to living his life with him and his daughter,
his custody battle has been going on since jan.
no wonder people take justice into their own hands, our court system moves way too slow!!!
i was so looking forward to seeing him and getting laid!
i'm selfish i know.
i want him to get what he wants too.
i still care about him alot and i only want goodness and happiness in his life.

i have to work saturday, so i can't go to my baby cousins 5th birthday party again.
my jewish co-worker seems to only be jewish when she gets the day off.
it is her turn to work the weekend, but it's the holiest of holy days for the jewish faith and there's no work.
lovely! i have to work christian holidays if that's what is required of my job.
i'm sick of having to work around her religon, she doesn't work around mine!
she eats bacon for God's sake!!!
and didn't even know if the kid she adopted was automatically jewish or had to be converted!
work is frustrating to me right now.
that is what happens when everything is due all at the same time!

then there's jackie, the perv neighbor that keeps wanting to touch my boobies.
i was all wound up friday thinking scott (the naughty neighbor) and i were finally going to have sex
and i flashed jackie, i had on no bra.
he said my boobs looked like GUM DROPS!!!
then he wanted me to show them to his roommate and kept talking about them to his roommate.
his roommate says he's never heard him talk about boobies like that before.
i know i can't keep a secret, but i thought a man could, sheesh!
he's cut off!!!!

so scott (the naughty neighbor) shows up thursday, we have our usual make out, grab ass fest,
then he says he's coming down friday to fuck me hard.
he doesn't show...AGAIN!!!
so sick of that man getting me all wound up and then nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!!!!
he tells me sunday that he had to work late.
i was like it happens.
i really don't care anymore.
the next time he comes around i'm just going to go NO, sorry, not interested.
unless he touches me then i cannot tell him no.
damn it!!!

i need to pull my head out my ass and start seriously applying myself to finding a long term exclusive relationship with a good man.
easy right!!!

Day 19 of no tv challenge

life is good. tv is so not necessary to every day living. now i need to bring my kid around to that and i can save $50 a month. now giving up the dr. pepper not so easy. we went one day and my kid comes down stairs and says she's got a headache from all the days without soda pop. i had to point out to her it had been less then 24 hours since we last had some pop. she's like that's it and i was like yup!!!

i have begun the no soda pop challenge fresh this morning. after sleeping the entire weekend with brutus the english bulldog and sophie the puggle, i am sleep deprived. i had a 4 hour round trip drive back home for my baby cousins 4th birthday and needless to say i needed the soda pop to stay awake to drive.

i did not know an english bull dog made so much noise. there are sounds that i have no idea how to describe. he even made a noise that sounded like the velociraptors in jurassic park!!! but he's so cute doing it!!! at one point, at 2AM sophie popped her head up, looked at him and looked at me, like shut him up! we all got up and took a break outside. every night he stayed with us we got up at least twice between midnight and 7am.

last night was the first night we didn't have him since thursday and sophie and i were out by 9:30 and we didn't get up once!!!
dogs are cute for a reason, it's so we don't give up on them when they drive us crazy, it's all part of God's plan :) or the Dog's plan????

christmas is disappointment

well, i'm spending christmas eve without the man i adore. he's on call at work christmas eve and day for snow removal. and he has to report to work an hour after being called and i live 3 hours away. so he just can't come to visit. so much for playing naughty santa. it just totally takes the cheer out of my christmas spirit.

my kid works noon - 4 tomorrow. and christmas day we are supposed to be buried in snow, so no driving 2 hours to visit family. the car can barely handle driving back and forth to work. wow, christmas is going to suck. which is so sad.

christmas is all about disappointment. first when you are a kid and you rip open all your presents totally excited until they are all open and you didn't get a damn thing you wanted! And then when you get a little older and you find out santa isn't real, what a disappointment. then when you become an adult and you make all these plans and they fall through or you can't afford to buy any christmas presents, major disappointments. Christmas is and always has been tied to disappointment!

i miss my mom now more then ever. this was her favorite time of year. i can't believe that 15 years ago this was her last christmas. today is my nephew's 15th birthday. mom went to see him in virginia and a month later she died. she'd be so proud of him and all her grandchildren. my mom was truly a person that lived for others, especially her grandchildren.

merry christmas and happy new year. i'm already disappointed so there's not much more depressed i can get at this point.