I Made My Bed

i did have a sinus infection.
last week i worked from home the entire week taking antibiotics and pounding the good cough syrup.
i slept at least 15 hours a day.
i tried to stay out of the cold and keep warm.
i drank lots of fluids and rested the crap out of it.
i finally went back to the office this past Tuesday.
someone put a buzzard on my cube wall so it was staring at me.
my boss finally got rid of it.
every time i tried to move it, it would just appear again.
but honestly i feel all better finally!

it's hard to be sick.
every little thing made me tired.
sophie got restless because i cut back her walks.
she is such a friendly little dog.
i'm lucky to have her to keep the nights from being so lonely.

the biggest thing i'm battling again is my depression.
the sickness, my weight being stuck, and men are just getting me down.
i've been fighting my depressed moods off and on since october,
but i don't know how much longer i can do it on my own.
i'm hoping not to go back on medication.

my daughter will be 21 on March 4th.
i miss having a little one.
every body thinks i'm crazy to want another child.
i've always wanted more children.
i just kept waiting for the perfect situation.
that has proven to be non-existent.
i guess i lost my chance a long time ago.

my biggest regret is not having at least one more child.
but time only marches forward and i have to accept that i will spend the rest of my life alone.
i made my bed and now i must lie in it!

another muggy day

wow, it is muggy as hades out there today.
i ran to the grocery and it poured rain and dropped 10 degrees,
but 10 minutes after the rain stopped it was back to hot and humid.
i don't miss tv at all. the kid freaked when it went out for a couple of days.
i hope we pull it together enough to get her off to college in the fall, so i can get rid of the cable for good.

i think i will stay inside today and rest.
tomorrow is a big work day, it sucks that it's a sunday, but that is how it goes with computers.
sunday and holidays are prime implementations and upgrade days.
the dog is even not wanting to go outside, so u know it is that HOT!!!

ice cream sounds really really good right now!

sickness

i've been fighting a sinus infection since the weekend. i even missed a day of work. this week i've only wanted to lie in bed and sleep. i feel totally drained of all energy. it's an extreme effort to breathe. my nose is plugged up. my lungs are straining under the burden of my excessive weight. i pop over the counter remedies, because i don't have the co-pay to see the doctor to get an antibiotic. either my body will win this one or it won't.

i have to wonder if some of this is my depression. i am not really rev'd up to fight this off. i just want to succumb and wallow in the misery. every ache and pain is a relief, because it's proof i still feel something. the dark circles under my gray eyes make me look like a shadow of my former self. only if the disease would kill my appetite then it would be perfect.

yet i still manage to eat. i drink more water now. and pop to get thru the work hours, but there's no flavor or taste to any of it. i'm just going thru the motions. it's what you do. you wake up. you go to work. you eat. you talk. you smile. you laugh. you come home and you collapse. i don't want to leave the comfort of my bed. the hot showers soothe the aches, the icy hot relieves some of the pain. but what i really want, is just to sleep, undisturbed for 24 hours straight. but between the job, the kid, and the dog, i'm lucky to get 3 hours at a time.

i'm just so over being a productive member of society.

Simple Weekend Planned

This weekend I am striving towards simplicity. I will not go anywhere that isn't necessary. I will clean. I will declutter. I will organize. I will scrub. I will dust. I will vacuum. I will sweat. I will toil. I will sit down on Monday evening and be at peace in a clean home.

This is my goal for the long weekend. I am sick of tripping over suitcases and boxes. I am tired of hunting through a pile of clothes to find shorts or underwear. I need some order restored physically in this world to soothe me. I find the more chaos that physically surrounds me the more chaos I have inside my head.

When my world is dirty, my heart is aching and my mind cannot rest. I am by no means a neat freak, but stubbing toes really does suck!!!