fluzzy woozy new year

i have the FLU!!! this major major sucks. cuz once again bret can't come to see me cuz he could get sick this time. and i've not seen him for 2 weeks now. it's bumming me out dudes. i am totally wasted on nyquil. sneezing is annoying, coughing is excruciating, but nothing sucks the worst then explosive diarrhea!!!

another new year with no one to kiss at midnight, i'm sick of it, literally this time. but at least i have the dog, she loves me, can dogs get the flu?
i hope not, sophie have diarrhea would be BAD!!!

happy new year!!!

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.

Merry Christmas to All!!!

Well, i made my round of merry christmas calls and text messages. I saw a video of Mom that my sister-in-law posted on facebook from her last christmas 15 years ago. i cried. i had forgotten so much about her and her voice and her mannerisms. i miss her so much. i cried, i laughed, my heart ached. what a way to start christmas day, firmly bawling over the past. i wish she were here. christmas has never been the same since she died. i'm trying to be brave and put my big girl panties on and just suck it up. but it's so hard. so hard.

merry christmas everyone. hug the ones you love, you never know when your last christmas will come.

No Joy to the Season anymore

I tell ya Christmas without little children to help celebrate it is just about as exciting as watching grass grow. Seriously, me and my 19 year old, already knew everything we were getting, tho, I did manage 1 little surprise. We've already opened everything and life has moved on. There's no joy in Christmas without a young child's thrill, awe, and excitement for the holiday. I miss the Christmas' when my kid was like 11 and under. Before the reality of no santa sunk in and it became about what she was getting more then the joy of the giving itself.

I guess someday, not soon or even in the next 5 years, when I have a grandchild (cuz isn't 1 always enough) the joy of Christmas will come back to me. I look forward to it.

Santa Claus, IN rocks if you have young kids, google it!!!

christmas is disappointment

well, i'm spending christmas eve without the man i adore. he's on call at work christmas eve and day for snow removal. and he has to report to work an hour after being called and i live 3 hours away. so he just can't come to visit. so much for playing naughty santa. it just totally takes the cheer out of my christmas spirit.

my kid works noon - 4 tomorrow. and christmas day we are supposed to be buried in snow, so no driving 2 hours to visit family. the car can barely handle driving back and forth to work. wow, christmas is going to suck. which is so sad.

christmas is all about disappointment. first when you are a kid and you rip open all your presents totally excited until they are all open and you didn't get a damn thing you wanted! And then when you get a little older and you find out santa isn't real, what a disappointment. then when you become an adult and you make all these plans and they fall through or you can't afford to buy any christmas presents, major disappointments. Christmas is and always has been tied to disappointment!

i miss my mom now more then ever. this was her favorite time of year. i can't believe that 15 years ago this was her last christmas. today is my nephew's 15th birthday. mom went to see him in virginia and a month later she died. she'd be so proud of him and all her grandchildren. my mom was truly a person that lived for others, especially her grandchildren.

merry christmas and happy new year. i'm already disappointed so there's not much more depressed i can get at this point.

After the Long weekend

i am exhausted!

bret and the puppy, named otis, are now safe at their home getting settled. this weekend was full of activity. we made xmas cookies, played with the puppies, had long deep conversations, went to see tron (3 out of 5 stars), ate out, and just connected i think at a very deep level this weekend.

this weekend was less about the physical part of our relationship and explored more emotional connections. he was melancholy and way to hard on himself. i encouraged him to give himself a break. he's been through alot in just the past 6 months. why do we find it easier to forgive others then to forgive ourselves?

merry christmas and happy new years!!!

I love giving awesome gifts for christmas

Bret and Jade loved the video of the puppy I posted for them. And Bret gave me the okay to pick them the puppy up as their Christmas present. I picked up the puppy, yet to be named at lunch today and he is just so much fun. He and our dog, Sophie, are just having a blast.

He's whizzed in the house 3 times now!!!

I think he's trying to mark his spaces. Sophie makes sure he gets no more attention then she does. I'm excited. Bret thinks I'm more excited then he is and he's probably right. I just love that I found their dog for them. I feel like a matchmaker full of happiness and love.

Christmas rocks!!!

Revolution!

i'm trying to come up with my new year's resolutions. i seldom keep them. i had forgotten what the word resolution even meant, so i googled it:

resolution - a noun, a course of action determined.
or decided on. firm determination.

there's other ways to define the word for laws and physics, but the above is applied to the tradition of the new year's resolution.

i noticed the word revolution and resolution are only one letter apart. so why can't the new year's resolutions you make cause a revolution in your life?

a sudden, radical and complete change to how you live your everyday life.
there are many reasons why the new year's resolutions fail. but this year i'm not making resolutions. i'm having a shannon revolution!

i like it!

i'm going to make huge changes with gusto, passion, and enthusiasm. goodbye to the old me and hello to the new me.

there is alot to do. i must plot my overthrow of my current existence and make plans for the new ruler of my life!!! Yes, I like it!

Cramps

i hate life right now. i'm almost 40 and i get cramps like i'm in my 20's still. i started a birth control pill 2 months ago that was supposed to reduce cramping and the length of my period. So far, it gave me 2 periods and a trip to the hospital in November and now my Dec. period is really painful and crampy. I go to the doctor this coming Friday and see if I give it 1 more full month or kick it's sorry ass to the curb. I'm too old for this shit.

It's been awhile

i can't really say i've not blogged cuz i've been busy. i've been more in a blue funk really. i get excited about christmas, realize how broke i am, and how much i miss my mom, and how my relationship isn't exactly what i hoped it would be, and i get depressed, sit on the couch all day and star out the window!

yup, exciting right?

but now i'm getting sick, so i'll have a real reason to mop and not just the emotional baggage that i carry around in my head. sore throat, stuffy nose, and a headache, all right before the weekend. and i have alot to do this weekend too, more then the standard cleaning that i put off until sunday at 6pm to do. gab's got work. i got to prep for visitor's next weekend. the washer is fixed, so laundry must be done, work won't like it if i come in naked.

so much to do, there's barely any food in the house, i got bills to pay, the dog needs bathed, brushed and fought with to get her toe nails clipped. that's like trying to brush the teeth on a alligator. she doesn't like it and goes wild like a bucking bronco when you bring out the toe nail clippers. i could pay someone to do it, but you did read how broke i am up above right???

tis the season to lose your mind, fa la la la la f*ck!!!

Post Turkey Coma

Here's a thought, instead of giving hyper kids meds, just feeding them some turkey every day at breakfast or lunch. I tell ya, I did not over eat, for once, on thanksgiving, i stuck to veggies and turkey and i felt like i was falling into a frackin' coma about a 1/2 hour later.

i thought if i laid off the carbs it would be so tiring, but i was very very wrong. this year the bird was juicy, tender, and flavorful. the big disappointment was the pumpkin pie, i took a little slice it someone went a little crazy with spices. it was too spiced up.

but i got to see family, hug my neices, marvel at what young beautiful women they are becoming and just sit and chat about nothing and everything. there's always a funny moment somewhere in the day.

this past sunday i celebrated my 38th birthday with my side of the family. we had ham and i did not feel like i was slipping into a coma later. so it had to be the turkey. serve it up and feed it to the hyper!!!

Thanksgiving Eve

All thru the house a dog was pacing,
a kid was dancing with headphones on,
and i am blogging this thanksgiving eve.

i am thankful for electricity and my eccentricity.
i am thankful for my father.
i am thankful for my daughter.
i am thankful for my dog.
i am thankful for my friend and lover, Bret.

i am thankful for my good health.
i am thankful for my good job.
i am thankful i do not go hungry.
i am thankful i do not go cold.
i am thankful to have a home.

all thru the house we are celebrating.
the quiet, the rain, the life we live.
all is precious and dear.

i am thankful to be here.

completion

the move is officially over. the keys and garage door opener were handed in yesterday afternoon. now i got to wait to see how much it's going to cost me for "damage" which is another way of saying "we can tell you lived in the place" i hope it's not too much or it could seriously wreck some x-mas plans, but oh well, shit happens.

still got crap in the garage that needs put away. i'd like to be able to park in the garage by sunday. i hate parking outside, it's such a pain. i had to scrape the windows the other day. i do not like to do that. and my car is really old, so it needs babied to keep running. i cannot afford a car payment at the moment.

got our harry potter tickets for the ultra screen on sunday. but i didn't know my kid had a 1pm call in. she's going to ask at her saturday shift if they would please not need her. i told her i'm going to harry potter with or without her. sorry, but tickets bought online are non-refundable!

i have a bruise under my left big toe nail! must have dropped something on it or stubbed it while moving. i don't really remember anything major hitting my foot, but when moving at a frenzied pace you kinda suck it up and keep going. it really has bothered me the last couple of days tho, makes shoes hard to wear. it's a big bruise too, hope i don't lose my toe nail. i've done that before, my thumb, when i was little, and it's too gross.

exhaustion is queen

wow, the old place is empty!

it needs a thorough cleaning, but i have no more energy for it tonight.
bret is on the way. the irish stew is stewing.
my back is throbbing.
my head is aching.
and i have until monday night to get it all clean.

my dad is amazing and i'm so thankful for his help.
i don't think i'll move again for a couple of years.

life lessons never stop.

my baggage is dragging me down

i had thought we'd gotten rid of alot of crap, but appearantly, crap can breed. almost 1/2 of the new 2 car garage is full with stuff we just can't get rid of. mostly keepsakes, trophies, books, and photos.

we need to finish bringing over the kitchen, minus the fridge, which moves on friday.

then after work i gotta kick my own ass into gear and get my bathroom, closet and dresser drawers over here.

we got the cable and internet going, so gab slept in the new place, because she's where ever internet and cable are. i have to sleep on a mattress, my floor sleeping days have passed.

dad comes tomorrow. then we move the dog runner, shower heads, mattresses and box springs and kitchen table and fridge!!!

almost home... saturday, it looks like i'll have maybe 3 -4 guys to help me. It should take long, washer, dryer, 3 dressers and the credenza should wrap it up.

bret gets her saturday night and i'm hoping after a fun filled night of well adult fun, that he won't be upset if i spend all sunday afternoon cleaning, cleaning, cleaning the old place. i hope he helps, wonder what i'll have to do to get him to clean the old place where the cat used to be which he's allergic to, hmmmm....

sunday morning i gotta take the kid to work for a meeting, i think bret and i will eat at ihop while she does her meeting.

tuesday i turn back over the old place. hope i do a descent enough job on cleaning that i'm not slammed with a ton of move out charges.

the move is on!

i'm moving into a 3 bedroom apt. more space, more storage, 2 car garage and only 3 doors over, so about 35 feet. so hopefully, this move will be fairly painless, except for the cleaning :(

i keep scrubbing, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, wiping, and dusting i'm going to have both my arms fall off from wearing them right off the bone.

dog prints all over the walls, sure magic eraser takes it off, but after a serious amount of laborious scrubbing. and i have to be careful where i take the dog paws off cuz the dog is still here and will reapply them.

we get keys tuesday and i hope to be fully moved into the new place on saturday. gab and i can move all the small stuff, like computer desk, clothes, the tv's, microwaves, and books, loads of books, 75 cookbooks alone, not to mention all my cooking magazines.

my dad is going to move the dog runner down to the new patio, take down and move the massage shower heads and put back the original shower heads, he's going to take the top of the dinning room table, and take my daughter's bed frame apartment. he hurt his foot and hand so he can't actually move anything, just disassemble it.

i've asked some young male neighbors and my fellow male church goers to help on saturday with the heavy and bulky stuff, mattresses, washer, dryer, dressers, credenza (the thing weighs a ton!!!)

then the cleaning go really go into overdrive, treat the carpet stains from kid, cat, and dog, clean the carpet, dust, vacuum, oh the list goes on and on. i'm going to be exhausted. but moved! let the fun begin!

yes, i do have a brain, but it's tumor free

my brain has no abnormal growths or tumors!!!!
yipee!!!!

my right side balance system is just weak.
so i am truly unbalanced.
there's actually something called balance therapy.
i am still paying off my kid's physical therapy.
so i also read a wii fit can help with balance.
so i think santa is going to bring us one of those for xmas.

i'm so happy to not be sick.
i feel free and clear.
fear, leave me be, u r not wanted here.

waiting for the results

the mri was loud and cold. it sounded like bad techno music. i expected moby to jump out at any second to spin some tunes to it.

other then that it was a quick in and out. now just to wait for the results which will be monday or tuesday since this is the weekend.

i'm keeping as busy as possible this weekend.

i'm moving 3 garages down into a 3 bedroom starting next weekend.
i'm going to prep for that migration. i told my kid it doesn't count as a move since no movie van is needed. so we are calling it our migration. we can a 2 car garage over a 1 and a bigger kitchen and 1 additional bedroom.
i'm going to get some strapping strong laddies from church to move our heavy stuff and the rest Gabi and I can walk over.

Then a major cleaning fest in this old apartment and we will be moved.
I'm planning next saturday for all the heavy lifting and to be down by the 2nd saturday in November so we can get everything turned back over on the 2 bedroom to the apt. manager.

so exciting. i go to indy this weekend to visit my friend, who is a boy, but is not my boyfriend. :)

so lots to do to keep my mind off possible bad test results.
and i will not fall over, i will not fall over, i will not fall over.

MRI tomorrow morning

I get my MRI with contrast tomorrow morning at 8am. I'm anxious, scared, nervous. I've not been sleeping and unfortunately, i've been comforting myself by cramming halloween candy into my mouth at a furious pace. I got to stop using food as an emotional safety blanket. I can't afford to get any fatter. And I'd been doing so good, I'd dropped 15 pounds, but I think I've got it almost all back now.

It could be Wednesday of next week before I have the results.
I wish there was a way to reduce the waiting when it comes to medical testing. It took 2 days to just process the paperwork and insurance crap.
When there's a suspected life altering brain "growth" you'd think they'd rush it. Ugh, I'm so tired of waiting!!!!

It's my brain and I want it scanned now!

test results bad

well the doctor's nurse call at 9am yesterday and my head has been spinning every since. my right balance side is weak there might be a growth in my brain interferring with how it is working. they are sending my paperwork to the hospital and they would call me either yesterday (which they didn't) or monday to schedule an MRI with dye ASAP!!!

Nothing like freaking me out! I had an Aunt die from brain cancer at 47. She was falling over for no reason too. If I had a healthy family history I wouldn't be worried, but my family is NOT the healthy type. My Mom, and 2 of her sisters all died before or at age 50. Two of her other sisters have battled breast cancer and her only brother had a stroke in his 40's. The family is genetically unsound.

So I get to spend the whole weekend with my stomach tied in a knot. I hate to wait. Then I gotta schedule the test and then wait for the results. This is so frustrating. I wish they could just expedite the whole process. Do you have to cut my head open or not????

Unbalanced it is!

well, i've written in the past about my various falling over's and just plain laziness of gravity keeping me upright. I went to the ear doctor and my ears are fine. So I was scheduled for a balance test to make sure the stuff inside my brain that keep me balanced are working. FUN!!!

Yesterday, I set off for my 11:30 appt. at 11. The test is at the same place where the ear doctor is, so I was just there like 3 weeks ago. I hopped on the interstate confident that I know where I am going. I am WRONG!!!
I have no clue where I am going. Nothing looks familiar. I take the first exit and while I am starting to panic I see the name of the street that I want on another exit, so I am relieved and I take that exit.

I exit on that exit and I am not on that street. I have no idea if I go left or right. So I go right. It looks really WRONG. So after a few minutes I turn around and go back the other way. I call my kid on the cell phone and have her get on map quest to find out where I am. I finally get to the road and take a left. And I pass a building I remember from the first trip!!!! Yipee!!!! I arrive 3 minutes before my appointment!

The test is odd. It involves flashing lights, no blinking, having my head shaken back and forth, sitting up and down really fast, wearing some goggles that make me feel like batman. Then the last part is getting cold then warm air blown into my ears, first the left then the right.

My left ear with both cold then warm air sends the room spinning like crazy!!! My right ear, nothing, not even a little bit of swaying. So the audiologist does my right ear a 2nd time. The 2nd time I get a bit woozy. Nothing like what happens when the left ear has the air blown in it. I found the warm air to be soothing and almost fall asleep, I likes it!!!!

So the audiologist tells me there's approx. a 20% difference between the left side balance system and the right side balance system. I ask her what that means and she says she has to analysis all the results and the doctor's assistant will call me today or Monday with them and next steps. But she's sure that my balance systems are not insynch, aka, it's official I am unbalanced!!!

i knew this would happen

my plans are being foiled for my trip to indy
and it just sucks.

i wanted to rent a car. the location i wanted has been closed.
since my visa is a debit visa, they wanted to place a $300 hold on it!!!
i said no, i'll just drive my car.

so i got to squeeze in an oil change tonight and get the headlight replaced.
plus, go pay off the new couch, which i've been so excited about.
i hope they can deliver it on monday. dual reclining with a center console!

i ordered dominoe's for lunch at 2pm after i get poked and prodded at the ob/gyn. i figured the appt. would seem more bareable if i was coming home to fresh italian sandwiches and hot wings for gab. got a coupon, so it wasn't too bad. cuz the pizza from dominoes still sucks, even after they made all those so called improvements.

i loathe my yearly pap smear. if guys hate a prostate check, they have no concept on what it is live to get a pap smear. here's hoping all my pieces and parts are where they are supposed to be and healthy.

wish me luck!

Reality Check

We are just friends with those yummy benefits.
That is all we will ever be.
You think I'm passive, I'm just different with you, because I wanted you to like me, so I toned it down.
But I do that when I really want a man to want me.
If I have him wrapped around my finger I'm a dominant bitch, but some men like that, unfortunately, that bores the shit out of me.

So, while I get to enjoy the benefits, I need to look for a man locally, to actually have a long term relationship with. I ain't getting any younger. And I am not going to change. I need attention!
I like having someone ask me how my day went and listening to me or pretending to listen to me.

Like I pretend to listen to him now, even though I could care less about the video game or listen to the same story for the 4th time.
My memory is bad, but usually if you tell me a store 2 or so times, it starts to stick. I hate saying I've heard this before, but really I have.

And sometimes he just doesn't let me talk at all. And when I start to say something he just keeps going. And even worse, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying, so I end up blurting out the most outrageous thing I can think of just to get him to stop talking and go what was that.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, I think he's smart, funny, but he's really starting to bore me.

This happens to me with every guy I ever like. I get to know them and then they aren't that interesting. It's not so bad with him, but I'm a realist at my core and no matter how many pretty pictures I try to paint in my mind about loving him and living with him, they all end badly. I just am not made for a long term relationship, and I want one so badly, like a kid who wants a panther for christmas.

I can blame being bi-polar or blame the borderline personality disorder, but I think I'm just a lazy person and trying to build a relationship with someone, even a friendship, is just too exhausting. He thinks I'm agressive in the bedroom, and I am, because, frankly, when we are fucking, he's not talking and neither am I and it's a nice break!

I miss the weekend.

I had a wonderful, packed full of activity weekend.
I was exhausted but content.
I had company.
Genuine conversation with another adult.
The giggles of a a little girl.
The excited chatter was music to my ears.

I miss it.
My life has become inactive.
I'm trying to get Gab to move foreward, but how can I?
I myself am frozen to this comfortable spot.
I feel no pain, no joy, and no sorrow.
I have let myself become complacent.
Fear keeps me in place.
I am so scared to hurt that I stopped living.

I want to start living.
I am going to start living!

what a miserable week

i had a great weekend. but it's been all down hill since tuesday.
i'm sick.
i'm screwing up at work.
i can't think straight.
i'm coughing up my lungs full of snot.
my chest hurts.
and he and his girlfriend are still together.
i want him to be happy, i'd just wish it was with them.
but shit happens and i just got to roll with the punches.
i'm really starting to not give a fuck anymore.

good mood

i am in a good mood. it's gloomy outside, but inside i feel all warm and fuzzy.
i have an old high school friend, who i reconnected with on facebook, and is becoming a good friend, coming down for the weekend.
i'm so excited.

i really like him. i like talking to him. i like hearing him talk.
i can't wait until we can sit down face to face and just talk about
anything and everything.

it is so rare for me to click with someone.
i usually am so odd that people just don't get me and
they give up trying to, but he seems to just roll with it
and i think he's got most of me figured out.

it is so refreshing to talk to someone about everything,
and i'm not afraid of offending him or scaring him.
he doesn't make me feel stupid or inferior.
he's not condescending.

this is good. we like the same movies.
and we can agree to disagree on stuff.
i know some people if you don't agree with them on something,
they get all pouty and won't talk to you.
it's so childish.
i am really looking forward to this weekend.
can't wait for it to be saturday night.

here's to friends, old or new, it's always good to hear from you.

foolish thoughts

i am having silly thoughts and dreams about falling in love again.
i'm sure i'll screw something up, it's not like i can ever get it right.
but i just like the idea of happily ever after.
the end to lonely nights in a bed with a dog that can annoy sometimes.

ugh, last night i opened the window since it's so cool, and she spent the night barking suddenly at any little noise. i was not please with sophie at all.
she's all happy go lucky this morning and the bags under my eyes are larger then usual. tonight, the window stays shut, and i don't care if i have to turn the air on to get thru the night, when it's 40 degrees outside. i can't take another sleepless night. i seldom sleep thru the night as it is. having to tell the dog to shut up, stop, be quiet off and on for the whole night sucks.

she is an excellent warning system, but considering i don't need to be alerted to the night crickets, it's annoying.

i'm taking a nap tonight or going to be early!!!

ugh, i tripped last night

this sucks, i tripped over a shoe the dog had dragged out to the middle of the entry way by the stairs. now on top of my scabbed knee, my ankle and foot are all messed up. i caught myself against the front door, but it was close. i almost went thru the front window we have. that would have been messy.

i go to the doctor on the 9th and i got to ask her why i keep tripping, falling, and have no sense of balance. my right ear bothers me sometimes, it rings and i feel like it's being pushed on from inside my skull, loads of pressure and the dizziness comes and goes. i don't throw up or feel like i'm going to throw. i just get really panicked and i try to stay still until it passes. luckily "the dizzy spells" only last a few minutes, but they are getting more frequent and severe.

maybe it's my sinus' or an ear infection. something easy to fix. that would be lovely if i could actually just for once have something easy to fix.

i stubbed my freaking toe!!!

so i'm healing from falling onto the patio and today i stub my freaking toe. what the hell?

do i need to learn to walk again or something?

i am falling over for no reason.
i can't walk a straight line.
i FORGOT how to ride a bike!!!! (seriously)

and now i keep walking into the damn furniture.

i think i ate a brain tumor for breakfast!~

i fell down

wow, i was hoping one day i'd outgrow my accident prone clumsy self. but i guess not. 5am today i got up, went potty, brought the dog downstairs so she could do the same, and when i stepped out onto the patio to pick up her leash, while i was holding her by the collar, i tripped over my own foot and fell HARD!!!!

The dog ran off. I landed on the my right knee and elbow, rolled and ended up on by back near the grass with my feet in the dirt on the side. and the worse thing was i was in my pj's and i had no underwear on, so my ass was cold, since my pj's was a pull over with no bottoms. ugh!!!

so i managed to finally get up and the dog is NO WHERE in sight. I call for her, nothing. Great!!! I come in wipe up some of the blood off my knee and elbow, take my medicine, drink some water and wonder what the hell to do about the dog.

i go out back and whistle and call for her -- NOTHING!!!

i go out front and whistle and call for her -- i hear the jingle of her license on her collar, thank God!!!

She actually comes to me. She was one front porch over, sniffing. She came right to me, and let me pick her up!!!! and we came in the house. Needless to say, I was so proud of her, so i gave her part of a cookie for being such a good girl.

We go upstairs and wake up my daughter to see if she knows where the first aid kit is, she doesn't and she's bitchy about me waking her up.

I go in my bathroom to clean my scrapes that look alot like the ones I used to get when i was 7 - 10 years old and i'd fall off my bike. gab brings me a small first aid kit with band aids and cleaning alcohol wipes.

i'm finally in bed, ready to try to go back to sleep since it's almost 6 am now.
and sophie is still wound up. so i get up to check on her and she pee'd and pooped. i guess she was too shaken up when she was outside to bother going to the bathroom. but i can't be mad at her, this one was all my clumsy ass fault.

so i clean up her mess and we get back in bed and she steps on my knee, ouch!!!!

but i must off fallen back to sleep cuz the next thing i know it's 7:45 and the alarm is going off. now my hip and should are throbbing and my scrapes have turned red. so i clean them with the alcohol wipes, talk about burn baby burn!

and come downstairs and sign on to work, and very CAREFULLY but the dog on the leash.

i know i grumble at the office and to anyone who will listen about how accident prone my daughter is, but i can't do that anymore, because she's just like her mother!

the woes of being a woman

another day of severe cramping and bleeding for naught. i'm not having another child ever, so i just bide my sweet time until menopause. how i envy women that don't have periods. my brain has been so fuddled i drove right past my exit yesterday. i didn't realize it until i saw home depot, which is right after my exit. i had lost all sense of where i was in the drive. i had to turn around and come back to it.
i hate when i space out while i'm driving. it's like i turn into a car zombie or go on automatic pilot.

my lower back has been throbbing and knotted lately. it aches and hurts and i really am getting aggravated over it. i've been using icy hot, taking over the counter stuff for it, but nothing seems to work. i know i just twisted it or strained it somehow. i think if i could lose some weight and get my bones and muscles some relief from all this hideous fat on me, then just maybe i wouldn't hurt so much.

my shoulder hurts so bad sometimes that i am tempted to take a knife and cut where the pain is, it's pressure and burning and just feels like my muscle is tied up in a knot. i know logically if i cut my shoulder with a knife not only will i still have the original pain, but there will be new pain, blood, and loads of questions about my mental health, but the temptation remains.

i've avoided asking the doctor for meds to help. i hate popping pills. but i think i've hit a full fledge flair up and if it's between slicing and dicing myself when i'm wracked with pain or taking a muscle relaxer, the pill wins. this makes me sad. i've been prescription free for over two years now, but this is the worst i've hurt in a very long time.

i guess we'll see what the doctor says when i go.

friday the 13th

i loathe friday the 13th's, all my bad luck seems to jump me on these days. i trip, i fall, i get sick, i screw things up. today i have a cold, the runs, i tripped, stubbed my toe, and this was before i realized it was friday the 13th.

people are giving me shit for no reason. i'm already bummed over my kid not being able to go back to college cuz i can't afford it. now my kid's whining about getting a job. i wish sitting on ur ass all day playing computer games paid money, but it doesn't!!! no job = no education, she just ain't getting it.

somedays it's just hard to justify a reason to get out of bed at all and today is definitely one of them.

my failed experiment

i attempted to unplug from technology for a whole week. i caved after 2 days. i had been doing well. the silence was nerve wracking at first but i adapted to it. i even wrote some on my short story the she-geek. but the 2nd night i was tired and hurting so i crashed in bed and turned on the tv to watch pretty little liars. i didn't really miss the internet or even the tv that much. all tho i did find myself wanting to google things.

i wanted to see if i could focus on my writing in the evenings after work and unload some of these ideas i've had spinning in my head for years. it turns out i'm so fucking lazy i couldn't even do that for more then a day. i think we need another wind storm to knock power out for 4 days so i can force myself to make some progress.
i don't want to be a computer programmer the rest of my life. i want to write. i love to write. i just lack the discipline.

i've always lacked self-control. this is depressing me. i will try again. it's all in my head, the stories, that is, if i can just sit down and get it out i think i'd feel much better.

pay day friday's are supposed to be happy days

i'm so depressed. there has been no solution to the college shortage of funds. looks like my daughter will have to withdraw from college on monday. and to make matters worse i bounced a check, i thought it had cleared, i checked it off and everything, i must of got it confused with another check. i am a financail train wreck!

my daughter is going to spend a week with her grandma next week. there are job openings at the hospital in nutrition and the cafeteria that are entry level. her aunt works at the hospital so i am hoping her aunt can guide her through the application process. she has to get a job and work and save so she can get back to school. it might not be a 4 year place, but start at a 2 year and build up. she wants it all and she wants it now and it's just falling to pieces.

i feel bad that i can't afford to send her to college for another year, but my finances took a serious beating the last 4 years. i was laid off 3 times in 4 years and 2 of them were in the same year. i'm still paying for defaults and such from those times. we just can't catch a break!

i really want to have a good weekend. please let me get some good news soon.

running out of options

the deadline for gab to head back to college is fast approaching and i'm worried that we won't have the money for her to go. the financial burden is double what the fafsa said it would be. even with the extra money from my parent plus loan being rejected, the amount i need to come up with is a thousand dollars more then last year, plus books, plus expenses. i just don't think we will be able to cut it.

i have to call the school again and see where they are on the parent plus loan application. my terrible credit is really biting my kid's future in the ass right now. i had no concept of what credit was in college, so i took every credit card i was offered. i had to file bankruptcy within a year after graduation.

i limped along. and things were somewhat better when the layoff's started. 3 times in 2 years. the credit cards got maxed out, then i couldn't pay them, then they defaulted and now i'm being garnished to pay them off. and my credit is worse then it has ever been. i had hoped she could take out a private loan on her own, but she has no credit, so they wouldn't give it to her. she needs a co-signer. unfortunately, the entire family has suffered the last couple of years and no one has the credit score needed to co sign with her.

i hate to think she has to give up her dream or even alter it's course, but i'm running out of options. even if she gets a job on campus that will only cover expenses, not tuition. i barely paid the bill last year, if it hadn't been for a big tax return, i'd still owe the school money. i'm praying for a miracle and hoping for one too, but with our luck, she'll have to drop out, and get a real job, and work and save to go back after a year off. she hates the idea, but as i told her, life doesn't always go the way you want it too.

who said strange is wonderful

my life has been buzzing along with quite a bit of strange lately. and it just has me baffled more then anything. the weird late phone calls, emails from people that say they know me, but they don't. it's like some conspiracy to drive me crazy. but that's such a short trip for me i don't even need to pack a bag.

i made gab unplug from technology for a whole hour last night. no tv, cell, or internet. we sat on me bed and talked about stuff that needed talked about. college expenses are going through the roof and we are not wealthy people, nor is anyone we know or related to even well off. the hard reality is this good be her last year at college in Kentucky. i just can't keep shelling out several thousands of dollars every year on her schooling. i'm still paying off my student loans. she might have to readjust her dream. and switch to an in-state less expensive school for her 4 year. and get a part time job near campus that can be full time in the summers.

no one would hire her this summer because they are a huge # of applicants that can work all year round. and alot of older people that are more responsible that normally wouldn't work at places like fast food or little mall shops are now in the job market because of the crappy economy. i am in constant fear of being laid off myself. you never know when the axe will fall these days, no matter how hard you work or what a good job you do.

it's a hard pill for her to swallow. she really likes her school and i like it too because it's small and cozy and i feel she is safe there, but unless there is a drastic positive change in our finances i am afraid she will have to transfer to somewhere not so expensive and far away.

i think my conscience called me last night

last night at 10:23 pm the cell phone rang. didn't recognize the number, 513-470-4394, so i let it go. the number left a voice mail. i checked it thinking, wrong number or something. and it was a very weird message left in a female sing song voice. I was thinking drunken saturday night call to wrong number, when the female said my name, then said remember when i used to beat you up in high school. then the female voice proceeded to call me fat, stupid, ugly, etc... it was like my borderline personality disorder called to say outloud all the things i say to myself in my head all the time. Then it said my name again and hung up. so weird!!!

i tried back tracking the number, to no avail, i have no idea who it was. or what i possibly did to them back in high school to deserve such a rant. i don't recall getting beat up in high school. i pretty much kept to myself and left well enough alone. i didn't like high school, few do, and i didn't really want to be there, few do. i didn't party. i didn't drink. i didn't do drugs. i pretty much sat by myself, kept to myself, and came to school in what today would be called pajama's. i was lucky if i combed my hair. i tried to brush all my hair in front of my face and hide under it. even then, i thought i was fat, ugly, and stupid. i wonder if it was my conscience calling me.

anyhow, i went on facebook and changed it so my phone number is no longer visible to anyone, same with my address, and hopefully, who ever it is, sleeps it off. it was such a squeaky weird voice. i had just seen inception earlier in the evening, maybe it was a dream within a dream?

sickness

i've been fighting a sinus infection since the weekend. i even missed a day of work. this week i've only wanted to lie in bed and sleep. i feel totally drained of all energy. it's an extreme effort to breathe. my nose is plugged up. my lungs are straining under the burden of my excessive weight. i pop over the counter remedies, because i don't have the co-pay to see the doctor to get an antibiotic. either my body will win this one or it won't.

i have to wonder if some of this is my depression. i am not really rev'd up to fight this off. i just want to succumb and wallow in the misery. every ache and pain is a relief, because it's proof i still feel something. the dark circles under my gray eyes make me look like a shadow of my former self. only if the disease would kill my appetite then it would be perfect.

yet i still manage to eat. i drink more water now. and pop to get thru the work hours, but there's no flavor or taste to any of it. i'm just going thru the motions. it's what you do. you wake up. you go to work. you eat. you talk. you smile. you laugh. you come home and you collapse. i don't want to leave the comfort of my bed. the hot showers soothe the aches, the icy hot relieves some of the pain. but what i really want, is just to sleep, undisturbed for 24 hours straight. but between the job, the kid, and the dog, i'm lucky to get 3 hours at a time.

i'm just so over being a productive member of society.

oh, how the night went into the crapper

night started well. we headed to physical therapy for gab and the car stalled in the parking lot. i got an unexpected check in the mail to boost the bank account. we ate at kfc. we were laughing. all was well. we went to the grocery store. i had to potty. i set my purse on the floor and when i picked it up, some yucky mold like substance got all over my clothes, hands, legs, and it was gross.

an employee tried to help me clean it up, but i think my clothes are ruined. and from here then night gets worse. gab gets hiccups towards the end of the grocery trip and some huge guy decides to scare her out of them the same time i decide to scare her out of them. so she gets boo yelled at her from me (behind her) and this strange man (in front of her) and the other people in the dairy aisle start laughing, but gab is freaked out to say the least.

we get home and i take sophie upstairs so i can change and distract her while gab hauls in the groceries. gab screams there is broken glass and to keep sophie upstairs. gab set the salsa on the stove and it fell out of the bag and broke all over the floor. she says it is cleaned up. i come downstairs, barefoot, and promptly find, with my left heel some glass. between my bleeding, gab having a melt down (and her hiccups disappeared during the melt down) and the dog trying to eat the glass, i can say monday night SUCKS!!!

i'm going to shower, band aid my foot, and go to bed early. i pray tomorrow is a better day.

Drained and Good Luck?

I am conflicted. I won a 24 inch flat screen tv at the company picnic, which is the biggest and bestest thing I've ever won in my entire life!!!! So that's the Good Luck part of this and I am excited. I was so excited and happy. It's all hooked up in my bedroom. It was such a luxury to sit in bed last night and watch some tv. And I really needed to be in bed, because I think I'm getting sick.

I am so drained. Not tired, drained of all energy. I've already taken a 2 hour nap today and I had to struggle through taking Sophie to the dog park, then running a few errands. I thought I was going to pass out in the fabric store! I came home and walked Sophie to the mailbox then I collapsed into bed for 2 hours of complete unconsciousness!

Sophie started licking me and waking me up after 2 hours, but I'm still dragging, I've been out of bed an hour and I'm ready to go back to bed. I didn't even watch tv from bed this morning. It's like all my energy has been stolen away by some evil super villian. My period did start so maybe that's causing it, but usually i'm just tired and cranky when it starts. The level of exhaustion I'm experiencing now has been rare in my life and usually comes with sickness. My sinus' have been acting up. I hope they aren't getting infected.

But this is my life, for every good thing that happens to me there are 3 bad things waiting in the wings. I should be used to it by now.

Self-inflicted misery

why do i do this to myself? i know the meat is too spicy for me, but i eat it anyways. and it attacks my stomach and causes me to puke. i burn and twist with misery. i know the food will do this but it sounded so good. i do this to me all the time. especially when it comes to food. i know i have to give up certain foods, to save my teeth (pop), to save my heart (cheese) and just to be healthy (choc, pizza, fast food) but yet i sit at the edge, hesitant to commit.

i'm always hesitant to commit to anything. i have been engaged 4 times and only married once, that ended in divorce. i don't like to join clubs that cost money, in case, i change my mind, then i'm out of that money, like curves for a recent example. now i'm hesitating on picking furniture, because i don't know if i can just stick to one color. i didn't like my last sectional. it was alright for like a year then the color and size just started to annoy me. i didn't pick it out, the ex did that, that could have explained my increased hostility towards the furniture. i have issues, i know that, and i try to work on them, but i always end back where i started.

it's like i'm in a infinite self-inflicted loop of misery, saddness, lonliness, depression, over eating, emotional eating, flabby, fatty and over spending existence. i don't even know if that makes any sense. i just get so tired of repeating my mistakes and not even realizing it until afterwards. hindsight is truly 20/20 in my case.

Sophie the Puggle is For Sale

On a coffee mug, thong, t-shirt, or calendar that is. check her out at http://www.cafepress.com/mrpuggle/7213481

she looks too cute. I know she's just a dog, but dammit, she's my dog and I love her.

makes excellent x-mas gifts.

4th of July

I'd just like to say that the 4th of July is awesome. Well, the fireworks suck, too loud, and I'm on a diet, so I can't eat at any of the cook outs, and this year I wasn't even invited to any cook outs. It's really hot outside too.

But that's not why the 4th of July is awesome. The 4th of July is awesome because it represent FREEDOM. Free is my fave word in the whole wide world. And all of it's nouns, adjetives, verbs, etc... like Freedom. I love the whole freedom of speech. We wouldn't be able to blog whatever the hell we want if it weren't for our forefathers (not 4 fathers, but those really old dudes that live back in 1776 and are now dead). They thought ahead to the future and they weren't selfish. They granted rights and freedoms to all men (and I'm sure they meant women too) That was a novel and controversial idea back in their day.

People being equal wasn't a popular concept. It still isn't. How many people have u met that like to think they r better then everyone around them? I've met too many of those types and I got news for them, their shit stinks just as bad as everyone else. So America bless God and God bless America for the 4th of July our Independce Day!!!

Eclipse!

Well, I was told that I was too old to go to a midnight showing. So I decided to prove them wrong and went to the midnight showing of eclipse. They were right.

I am too old to go to a midnight showing.

My whole body aches. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I've had a crappy day. I got hit in the head twice. The red bull I drank made me wound up for 2 hours then I crashed and turned into a zombie. I'm going to be all messed up into the weekend. Lovely. When did this happen?

In college I went to midnight showings, stayed out until 3 am drinking, crammed for exams all night, and now by 9:45 pm, I'm yawning and can't wait to go to bed. 10pm I'm in the bed on my way to sleep and if I don't keep that schedule my world falls apart.

When did i get so old? When did i get so fat and lazy?

I disgust me!

I like the movie, at least better then the other 2 that have been out. but it was annoying to hear the squeals and screams every time the jacob boy showed up on the screen shirtless. and that was alot.

Hot and Muggy

It's been hotter and muggier then TN on a August Day lately. I was hoping last nights storms would break it up, but nope. It's going to be 91 today and it is already very muggy outside. No dog park today. I don't need the dog to be covered in mud. I have so much to do. Cleaning, grocering, cooking, putting away, laundrying, dogging, i know some of these aren't actual verbs but i'm feeling lazy.

gotta decide if i want to up for another 13 months here at the apartment and take a $10 rent increase or switch month to month and get a $50 rent increase. If I actually had money saved towards moving I'd go month to month and find me a little house to rent with a yard for little ms. spoiled puppers dog. but since my bank account hovers between 0 and less then 0, I think I'll reup for 13 months and see if I can save the $1500 that I need to move. I won't be holding my breath. I seldom hang on to money long enough to do anything useful with it.

Plus, gab's college is coming back up in august. we still have recv'd no word on her financial aid package. this makes me nervous. tuition went up, i hope the financial aid did as well. plus there will be books and supplies to buy. at least this year we have alot of the stuff she already needs as far as towels and bedding go. she wants new clothes but i don't think that is going to happen.

well off to the shower then off to the grocery store. oh money, y do you leave me so quickly. u never stick around to play. it's all business for you. i miss my discretionary spending.

sweet internet you are back

the wireless router crapped out. after spending way too long with the support on the phone, i just called and asked for a new wireless router. the guy came this morning and tried to fix the old one but agreed it was a lost cause, so now i have a new wireless router and I AM BACK online!!!

Did you miss me?

Of course not, no one reads the shit I write. But I take no offense, well, at least today I don't, tomorrow it might just hurt my feelings. but in this very second of this very moment I am doing okay.

I walked the dog. Work wasn't too busy. Life is good. Tomorrow is pay day. the kid wants to get advance tickets for the twilight 3rd movie midnight showing, which means i'll have to take a nap, but i will probably still fall asleep during the movie. i don't find twilight to be very stimulating. i just don't. i couldn't even make it through the books. i got my daughter's 4th book and read the last 2 chapters. It's cheating, I know, but it's how I roll.

so life is good today. and i really can't ask for much more then that.

Sometimes it sucks to be a woman!

So I am treating my dad to a father's day weekend outing. He comes up Friday night so we can leave for the Columbus Zoo first thing in the morning to get a full day in. We go to eat some pizza, then we go see Toy Story 3. All is well. Dad is happy. We call it a night.

I wake up. Weather is so nice. A great breeze blowing, no rain in sight, it's not too hot. After taking Sophie to the dog park for 30 minutes, I get home and we get moving to the Zoo. The Zoo was great until around NOON!!! High NOON!!! The breeze vanishes it. The heat cranks up 15 degrees and the humidity doubles. We are all hot and sweaty. Zoo is not so much fun anymore. My hips are just aching. I feel like I'm going to puke. We stop to take a bathroom break around 1:30 after teh Gorilla's. My monthly gift has arrived from mother nature!!! Sometimes it sucks to be a woman!!!
Luckily, my dad is very understanding. The zoo was closing early at 3 anyway. We tried to go to the austraila exhibit and I just couldn't go any further. It was 2pm. so we all agreed to pack it up and head on out.

We went to City BBQ and had some chocolate ice cream next door at Graeter's. All was well. We got home. Dad loaded up and headed home. I don't think it was a bad trip, but it could have been better. I told Dad the zoo would be perfect if it was all insided and air conditioned!!! He thought that was funny.

Dad did have a interesting encounter with a silver back gorilla. He thought that was cool. The gorilla snuck up behind dad and when dad turned around looked at him and their eyes met the gorilla slammed his shoulder into the glass. It made a huge boom like a clap of thunder. Dad jumped and little girls screamed. The gorilla looked quite pleased with himself.

My body is out of whack

I got a car tan, major sunburn on my left arm, should, and upper leg. I have a massive headache. I have been constipated for days. I had to wait until tonight to take a laxative cuz I can't run to the bathroom at work and stink it up or plug it up. But since I work from home on Thursday and Friday's I'll just stink up and plug up my own bathroom. I hate being plugged up. My nose is plugged up. My plumbing is plugged up. It makes me cranky and miserable. Plus, I am PMS'ing.

This really really sucks. I hate sitting on the toilet for an hour and either nothing comes out at all, or rabbit turds come out. I feel like a literally have a corn cobb stuck up my ass. I seldom get constipated, and considering the amount of cheese I consume that is really saying something. My dad thinks I have nacho cheese instead of blood in my viens. Cheese is my fave food. I put it on everything. I have had to switch to reduced fat. I can't eat fat free, it's so gross. But I cannot live without cheese.

I just remembered I have leftover pizza in the fridge, YUMS!!!

What's buggin me?

bugs. I hate when they get inside and fly around. I killed one that landed in my cooking magazine by slamming the pages shut. After I scraped it's guts out the pages where covered in bug blood, so gross. I cleaned it as best as I could, but I ripped those 2 pages out and threw them away. No cheesy tomato beef bake or ham and cheese fold over sandwiches or beef pot pie with potato biscuit crust for me. I could write them down, but i lose handwritten recipes. I need them to be in a book or magazine or they just get misplaced.

And why is it when ever I have the fly swatter I never see a fly or any other bug. But the moment I cannot find the fly swatter or I am sitting all the way across the room from it I see a fly or bug??? Are the bugs that smart???

Bugs belong outside!!!! No exceptions!!!!

i am alone

i am alone. i am always alone. you could put a million people around me and i'd still be alone. i never get invited to anything. people are never excited to see me. no one calls me unless they've tried every one else they know first and they didn't pick up. no one asks me how i am. i am utterly and completely alone.
but people suck so it only bothers me when i feel left out, which is usually just on the weekends and holidays. otherwise, i like being alone.

I'm too old for zits and pimples!!!

I loathe getting acne. Getting acne over the age of 25 should just be biologically impossible. And my pimples and zits form in the most uncomfortable places. The edge at the bottom of my nose. The corner of my mouth. Or worse I can feel a pimple under my skin, but it won't come to a head, but it hurts. I keep putting hot water on it, hoping to draw it out, so I can pop the son of a bitch, but it continues to defy. I admit I don't get alot of acne, Thank GOD!!! But I'm almost 38, and the fact that every month about a week before my period I get some huge ass pimple somewhere on my face, neck or ears just pisses me off!!!

I also think that since I'm done having children I should just be able to tell my body to go into menopause. I shouldn't have to wait or have surgery. I should just be able to will myself into it. Life as a woman is so unfair. My brother said that it's wrong when something bleeds so much and doesn't die, of course, he was talking about his female dog, but it could apply to woman in general as well. He knew that too. That's why I got my dog fixed as soon as I could. Three females in one house PMSin' at the same time - NO WAY!!! One of us had to get fixed, I pointed to my kid, and she pointed to the dog. Plus, the dog wouldn't keep her little female pads on, she'd rip them off and up. Huge mess!!!

Now I'm off to mess with this pre-pimple. I got two this month. Aren't I blessed!

teeth

my teeth hurt. i think something is stuck in between the 2 front caps. thanks to my brother, won't be specific as to which one, who shot my 2 front teeth out at the tender age of 10 with a bb gun, i've been plagued with dental issues.

my teeth aren't at their best. the caps are 21 years old, i had them put on at 16. i don't eat anything hard, like popcorn, or pulley, like taffy. my teeth are hot and cold sensitive. i have trouble biting into things like apples. you'd think i'd lose weight, but no, pizza and macaroni and cheese don't take that much biting into.

i frequently have nightmares of all my teeth falling out. and i loathe the dentist. i've spent so many hours in the dentist chair. now i don't go but every couple of years. and the latest trip the dentist told me i needed nearly $2K of work done. i got borderline cavities. i got borderline gum disease. what i don't have is the almost $1K (my portion after insurance) to get the work done. i can only go to my six month check up's and get basic cleanings.

i hate the thought of losing my teeth. i hate the pain. i hate the bleeding when i brush my teeth. it sucks. and only proves how long childhood scars can last. my teeth will always be capped until they fall out. it's shaped my life in so many ways. i will always be scarred by it. but i forgave my brother a long time ago. i just have to hope my teeth last.

Back Pains

I have fibromyalgia syndrome (fms). I've been told by different doctors that it's
1 - an over active nerve condition
2 - a sleep disorder
3 - all in my head
4 - a neuron transmitter issue in the brain

I have gotten used to the constant throbs and aches that range from annoying to excruciatingly painful. I've gotten used to the fact that any physical activity I do results in huge pain. I've tried excercise, diet, medications, prayer and physical therapy. I've been to web sites, read books, consulted specialist, and heard opinions of the non medical people who think they know how to fix your ailments. And all that I know is that after 10 years of this crap I'm just tired of it all.

I've accepted that no one really knows what causes fms, how to treat fms, or if you ever get cured of fms. What works for one person won't work for another and what really gets frustrating is that approximately every 6-12 months what ever was working stops working and you are back to square one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new brain! The fms, bi-polar disorder, and borderline personality disorder are all connected to the brain and how it functions. Clearly, my brain does not function well. It's broken and needs replaced. Talk to anyone who knows me and they would agree and only be 1/2 kidding. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the healthy one, the thin one, the thoughtful one, the creative one, the tactful one, the happy one, the pretty one. I am simply the crazy obesely fat one!

I did come up with a few guidelines in my treatment protocols. I will be put on no medication unless it's been on the market long enough to have a generic. I learned this the hard way when bextra was working wonderfully for me and it got pulled off the market because it was causing deaths. I also will not let any doctor try to tell me fms doesn't exist. It does. I feel it and live with it every day. And the final guideline is get lots of rest, drink lots of fluids, and remember suicide is not a solution! (merely a temptation and coward's way out)

No one ever told me life would be easy or fun or interesting. My parents were wise to critize me, let me fall down, tell me the truth, and not coddle me in fear of hurting my feelings. Because of how I was raised, with love, sarcasm, and self-deprecating humor I am able to survive this one day at a time. I can even laugh sometimes. So it's not all bad, but right now the bad and the good are tied.

So I'm off to lie down, in hopes my arms will stop aching, my back will stop throbbing, and my dizziness and headache will pass. The ibprofen taken. The hot shower and icy hot is next. And I'll hope like a fool, that tomorrow will be a better less painful day.

The Hard to Serve

I get so frustrated when people complain and complain. You offer them suggestions to be helpful and they aren't even interested in trying. They just make excuse after excuse as to why they must keep suffering.

I read an artical once about the hard to serve that are on welfare, medicaid, and they are healthy but they say they can't work. But the truth is they don't want to work. Well, I have a news flash for them, NO ONE WANTS TO GET UP EVERY FRACKIN' DAY AND GO TO WORK!!!!

Then there are the hard to serve political people. They don't vote, but the complain about the government all the time. I agree with my Dad, if you don't exercise your right to vote, then you have no right to complain.

Then the sick ones. I hurt. I ache. I can't sleep. But they won't go to the doctor. If the over the counter stuff doesn't work - go to the doctor!!! Sure it might just be a cold, that's what Heath Ledger, Corey Haim, Jim Henson, and Brittany Murphy thought OR it could be bronchitis or walking pneumonia. If it is a cold the doctor can at least give you strong stuff to take care of the coughing and aches and pains. And if it knocks you our for a day, so what, take the damn day off and sleep off the sickness!!! Is that so hard???

O the humanity!!!

Random thoughts and quotes...

all hatred begins with a seed of fear.

do dogs really love us or just love that we feed them and pet them. And isn't that what all love is, attention, dedication, and simple pleasures. So if we loved our loved ones the way we love our dogs, would the world be a happier place?

ranch dressing mixed with sour cream put on pizza = FANTASTICALLY YUMMY!!!

pedicures are great, not only do i get a foot rub, snazzy toe nail polish, and my ingrown big toe dug out, but i get to sit for an hour and not think about a damn thing, that is priceless!!!

summer = sunburn :(

i always thought i'd be famous for something stupid, but i'm not worried, i still have time to fuck up and make national news headlines!

i think about food more then sex, but sex is a very close 2nd.

Happy Memorial Day!!!

Today is a day to remember those who served our country, the military men and women. My family has a long tradition of military service dating back to the civil war. I am proud of those that join the military. I hope for peace every day, but I sleep well at night knowing the fine men and women that are there to protect our country.

I hope one day war and violence will be only a story that children are told as a cautionary tale of warning.

Until then, thank you soldiers and their families, and other that support them for their sacrifice.

People suck!!!

I'm so annoyed right now. I wonder why people live in apartments if they can't grasp the common space concept. I'm walking my dog back behind my apartment on a retaining wall area that goes down to the end of the row of our building. Since I didn't unlock the back door before we left I have to walk down to the end and around the side. No big deal.

The lady at the end opens her front door and starts yelling at me that I'm not allowed to walk there, that's her grass, I can't let me dog poop there.

#1 - Sophie did NOT poop!!!!

#2 - If Sophie had pooped I'd pick it up, I ALWAYS pick her poop up, that's why I carry the little plastic grocery bags.

#3 - The side of the building is NOT her GRASS!!!! It is a common area.

I told her these 3 things and she kept yelling at me. She yelled. "I watched you from the upstairs window." Big whoop!!! The kids walk back there, her kids walk back there, everyone walks back there, it's COMMON area. Sophie was never on her patio. Sophie has never pooped around her apartment. She then says, "I'll take this up to the office on Tuesday." I said, "Fine!!!"

I walk my dog ALL over the apartment complex. If she poops, I pick it up and throw it away. The main reason I picked this apartment complex was because of all the grassy areas for my dog to walk and play on. There are at least 15 dogs that I know about in this complex that could be pooping on "her" grass. This is sad, she needs to get a house.

I told Gab when Jeremy comes to fix the drain on Tuesday to talk to him about it or have him call me. He knows I always pick up after Sophie. And he knows I walk her everywhere just to get her exercise. The woman has lost her ever lovin' mind. I don't know what dog is crapping next to her door, but I hope it keeps crapping there, and she catches them and realizes it's not me and has to apologize.

What a horrible person? Doesn't even know me or bother to give me the benefit of the doubt. She just thought to herself, I'm going to yell at the 1st person I see with a dog, so I feel better!!!

I feel sorry for her.

Another jolly good visit to the dog park

We had another fun time at the dog park today. Sophie ran around with new buddies and played her little heart out. Man it got hot fast!!! We were only there for an hour. It's going to be a toasty day. Now that Sophie is passed out at my feet snoozing, I can focus on getting the downstairs cleaned.

Phase 2 of the cleaning weekend is about to begin. I hope my back holds up. I have got to declutter the entry way. I keep tripping over the dog cage and my suitcase.

Have a great day!!!

Stage 1 of Cleaning Weekend Completed

Yes, I am spending a holiday weekend cleaning!!!

Now let's move on. I finished cleaning my bedroom, walk-in closet, and bathroom. It took 4 1/2 hours and 3 big boxes of trash, but it's done. Now Gab has to go thru all her crap that was still in the walk-in closet and decide what to keep and what to toss. Plus, her room is much smaller, so what she doesn't want to keep in her room will have to go back in the walk-in closet. I have used every single hanger I had in the closet and the boxes in the closet.

I need a 2nd dresser to put my jammies, t-shirts, shorts, and sweats in. My current 5 drawer dresser is filled with socks, bras, and panties. I had no idea I had so many socks and panties. The bras only take up one drawer and it's not full all the way. I always need bras. I think it's time to take a trip to the outlet mall and get me some more bras. I have to get 42 DDD's so I have to go to Lane Bryant to get them and I HATE underwires!!!! Lane Bryant has the most amazing non-underwire bras that I LOVE, but they are usually $26 each. At the outlet store they are around $12 each. Much better!!!

Now I have to match the socks up. And I never match all of them. I have no idea where all the socks go. I buy the same kind over and over, but I still end up short. It baffles me. Do they go on vacation to another dimension?

My lower back is killing me!!! I need to take some back pain med, icy hot the s.o.b up and crash. I have to clean the downstairs tomorrow. And that's gonna be a minimum of 2 hours. It won't be as bad, because I cleaned before the trip to Meemaw's. But the foyer is super cluttered with all the return trip stuff. And the cat's bathroom, needs swept, moped, and cleansed thoroughly. But it will still stink, my cat's shit STINKS!!!! He's nasty!!! That's why the 1/2 bath downstairs is all his. I send people upstairs to the bathroom when they visit. I've tried every scent product on the market to get that stank out and none of them work very well.

My feet are aching too. I think I worked physically hard today then I have since we moved here last year. Alot of the junk I threw out today should've never moved here, but since I waited until the last minute to pack, it got thrown in a box and moved. I procrastinate when it comes to moving!!! I loathe it!!! I hope the next time I move will be the last time and it will be a house with a fenced yard for the dog. But I'm dreaming for now.

I think I'll sleep good tonight!!!

Simple Weekend Planned

This weekend I am striving towards simplicity. I will not go anywhere that isn't necessary. I will clean. I will declutter. I will organize. I will scrub. I will dust. I will vacuum. I will sweat. I will toil. I will sit down on Monday evening and be at peace in a clean home.

This is my goal for the long weekend. I am sick of tripping over suitcases and boxes. I am tired of hunting through a pile of clothes to find shorts or underwear. I need some order restored physically in this world to soothe me. I find the more chaos that physically surrounds me the more chaos I have inside my head.

When my world is dirty, my heart is aching and my mind cannot rest. I am by no means a neat freak, but stubbing toes really does suck!!!

The great outdoors suck!!!

I really hate having to go outside in the summertime. The bugs, the ants, the spiders, the wasps, bees, hornets. The pollen, the screaming kids running around like wild animals. It sucks.

Plus my car air conditioning doesn't work. I have to come home from work and take a shower because i'm sticky with sweat. winter just suits me and my fat obese body better.

i'm so allergic to the world. and i know it hates me. why else am i ignored everywhere i go?

this was a total waste of a day. all it's been about is frustration and pain. and to top it off i noticed how damn fat my nose has gotten and now i can't stop playing with it. i keep pushing the tip of my nose side to side and up and down. it's like when you find a pimple you hadn't noticed and you have to pick at it until it bleeds. i hope i don't make my nose bleed. that would be so stupid of me.

Oh My, Oh Dear, Life is full of Fear!

gab is 19 and had to have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets which she then pretended to have them eat each other before she ate them.

sophie bit gab's hand trying to take her own bite out of the dino-nuggets. bad puppy!

i'm taking my dad to the columbus zoo for father's day. i'll try not to leave him with the gorilla's even tho i think they are more closely related then people think. i personally prefer the manatee's.

it's hot. not as hot as TN nor as humid, but i have no air conditioning in the car and haven't for 4 years now. i'm going to have to break down and get a newer car or the car will just break down and leave me no choice. i think the latter will be the first thing to happen, unless i win the lottery soon. that's my retirement plan, the lottery, hit the big jackpot and spend it like a fool.

this is all my life is... wake up, shower, take med, go to work, eat breakfast, work, attempt to work, give up on work, go to lunch, work, get frustrated and want to punch the computer, work, then come home, walk the dog, take med, eat dinner, check facebook (no one misses me) check email (no one needs me) blog (no one reads these) watch TV, shower, drink straight from the nyquil bottle, brush my teeth, let the dog out to potty one last time and go to bed. repeat every boring frackin' day of my life.

It's been awhile

I've been on the road. I went to Tennessee to see my Meemaw for the first time in 10 years. She's full of fight and stubborn as a mule. She refuses to use her cane. and she insists on getting up and waiting on people. Everyone tries to get her to relax, but as my Aunt Jenny said, "She's gonna do what she wants to do until the day she dies!" Which I hope is a long way out, but I worry. I see how hard it is for her to step up and down from the house to the patio then to the driveway. She even sways like she's going to fall. I love my Meemaw so much, I just can't imagine this world without her.

She said when I was little and I'd go to the store with her and Grandpa that I would have a trick to get me a toy. I'd wait until Grandpa was out of ear shot then I'd say, I ain't havin any fun, over and over until Meemaw would say, Would a new toy be fun and I say, Let's go get one. I've never heard that story before and it was nice to see the smile on her face as she remembered it.

She is confused somewhat. She kept calling me by Mom's name. And she got other people mixed up to. She admitted that the stroke done wiped her mind clean. She said she knows what she wants to say but it just won't come out or it comes out the wrong way. It frustrates her alot. She got her hair cut short and permed. It looks so cute on her. It gives her a mop top of curls that makes her look like she's got tons of moxie. She tries to stay sassy, but she tires easily.

Got to visit with most of the family. Ten years is a long time not to visit. Ty is 5, so this was his first time meeting me. I kept asking him, who am I and he'd get the blankest look on his face, and I say I'm cousin Shannon and he'd go oh, okay, I'd ask him 10 minutes later, what my name was and the blank look was back. I told him he needs to work on his memory. He called Dad, Uncle Jerry, then he called him That guy, which was too funny.

Yes, it was great to see the family. To hear the stories and see the bubba's (Dad and his 3 brothers) shoot the breeze. Politics gets these old coots all worked up. I don't like to discuss politics, there's no discussion about it, because every one already has their mind made up so it's pointless to talk about it. It just turns into an intense akward near arguement. No thank you!!!!

I hope to visit once a year for as long as Meemaw is here to see. It's a heck of a drive and hopefully, that new Motel by the Wally world will be finished, cuz the one we stayed at sucked!!!!! Dad was down there 3 years ago and he said it had gone downhill quick. I found a bug in the bed. There was no breakfast like they advertised. And it was dirty all around. Yuck, Yuck, and triple Yuck!!!

Well, it's good to be home. Sophie had fun with Molly and her owners Jeremy and Ashley. He took real good care of her, but by Saturday Sophie was homesick and had stopped eating. She was a real good puggle for him. No accidents. Shared her toys with his dog Molly. I missed that dog sleeping next to me. Gab's just happy to have a cell phone signal, air conditioning, cable t.v. and internet access 24/7. She thought she was dying out at MeeMaw's house where you have none of those. She said she now knew what the pioneers went through. Sheesh!!!

But I am not going to miss the heat and humidity. I drank tons of water and only went to the potty once in 8 hours. As soon as I drank the water, the heat sucked it right back out of my flesh. I missed my bed and air conditioning the most!!! God Bless the person who invented air condittioning!!! Amen!!!

On The Road

Well the time has come in the year when people are traveling more. I don't mind the traveling as much as everything you have to do to get ready to travel. Taking out the trash, getting someone to dog sit, washing all the dishes, making sure there's nothing the cat can get into or anything bugs would want. It's exhausting!

It makes me never want to leave my house. But it's for a good cause. I get to see Meemaw for the first time in 10 years. She's been sick and fell recently. At 86 the number of days remaining on her lifespan are rapidly declining. My uncle says there are times when she gets confused and isn't sure when it is, minor dementia, but it worries me.

Meemaw is fiercly independent and a fighter. She pulled out all her i.v.'s at the hospital and was getting dressed to go home when the nurses came rushing in on her. They had to put her in restraints to keep her from leaving the hospital!!!

I hope we travel safely and have a good visit with Meemaw.

I love my puggle, Sophie!!!

Soon I will be taking a trip to visit my sick grandma and sadly I must leave Sophie, my dearest beloved granddog behind. I have a neighbor that just adores her and he and his girlfriend agreed to watch her for a couple of days. He has a dog that's 1/2 beagle and 1/2 shitzu (a sheagle???) Her and Sophie play so well together. But I am nervous. I felt the same way when my 2 year old daughter (now 19) went with my parents to visit the same grandma for the very first time and I had to stay behind for college classes.

I have her little case packed. It's got some fave toys, treats, and blankie in it. People keep telling me she's just a dog, but when you live alone and the kid is off at college and only calls you when she needs money, Sophie is my best friend. She tilts her cute little noggin' left then right when I talk to her, Like she wants to understand, and she's listening.

I hope she has fun and doesn't miss me. It's only a couple of days. I will miss her so much. I love my puggle Sophie!!!

not much going on

more rain, more work, more boredom, on top of boredom. disney channel shows are so obnoxious. i leave it on disney in the morning for the dog so she doesn't get lonely. handy manny i can stomach, but the retarded show that's on the boat with the twins is the stupidest, most predictable thing i've ever seen on t.v. the laugh track is constantly going and the jokes are lame-O!!!

i do like phineous and ferb (i probably spelled phineous wrong) why do kids watch this crap, do they just not want to do their homework. and to make it worse i can't find the remote to change it. and where are the parents? why does every kid show find a way to write out the parents? I think the reason patricide has increased is because networks have portrayed on t.v. that life is so much easier and better without your parental units. crazy? maybe, but maybe i'm on to something.

The dog park experience

Yesterday Sophie and I headed out to find the dog park. We found it and she played her little heart out for almost 2 hours. She was running, and playing with the big dogs. Full Throttle Sophie!!!

So this morning we headed out again to the dog park. She could barely contain her excitement on the way there. She played another 2 hours with more big dogs. She loves it there. I knew she was all tuckered out when she came right to the leash and let me put it on her.

We came home and she slept for 2 hours. I think we have a new weekend morning destination for us, as long as the weather is good. I'm so proud of my puggle Sophie. She's so friendly. She gets along with big dogs and little dogs. She even played catch me if you can with a little boy that had brought his dog.

It's been a really good weekend. Even though I had to work Friday night into Saturday early AM. I feel rested and content. Now if only I can find the enthusiasm to clean the apartment.

Pizza Addiction

I am seriously addicted to pizza. My fave is green peppers, sausage, and pepperoni on a thin crust. I got one from a local place today and I've been munching on it off and on. I know my chlosterol is too high. But I can't give up pizza. Even if I can only have it once a month it's better then never at all.

This lifestyle change is killing me. I stopped going to my workouts because the kid came home and I was swamped with doing stuff with her. I've also been working alot of weekends, this one included. I have been remembering to take the med twice a day most days. I still just can't stomach most fruits and veggies. Where did my parents go wrong? My mom always made a veggie at dinner and we always had to eat our veggies.

Maybe it was this forced eating of the veggies that has led me to not wanting to even buy them, let alone eat them. It always feels like such a burden to eat my veggies. It's not that I think they taste bad. It's like they don't taste like anything at all. I do like green peppers, brocoli, cucumbers, peas, and carrots. But even if I buy them I don't fix them, because I'm so lazy. It's easier to throw something in the microwave then to get out a knife and cutting board and cut up some veggies.

I go back to the doctor in October to have my chlosterol numbers checked and if they still aren't down, good bye pizza, good bye and hello veggies. I hope the med is working. I've made changes, reduced fat cheeses, fat free pudding, diet frozen foods, vitamins and fish oil. I just hope it's enough. I pray it's enough.

Crazy dreams of late

Wow, I have been having some really crazy weird dreams lately.

Last night - We live "under" the landing flight path for a local airport. I wish I had realized that before I rented this apartment, but I did not. Last night I dreamed in the middle of the night one of the planes crashed in the field right behind the apartment complex while trying to land. I had to grab the dog and cat and make a run for it in my pj's. The apartment was destroyed. I still can recall the smell of melting siding. And to top it all off I lost everything and didn't have renter's insurance.

Tuesday night - I dreamed about my ex-husband and his family. Never a good dream. He showed up at my door demanding $500. I have no idea why. We've been divorced 2 years on May 12th and I haven't seen him or had any contact with him since that day in divorce court. I don't have $500 and I told him that if I did I wouldn't give him a penny of it, the jackass. Then he sent his brother to harass me. So I called the cops and was getting a restraining order when he and his brothers decided to break into my apartment and steal $500 worth of stuff. I don't have alot of expensive things. I guess they weren't happy with what they found because they torched my apartment and burned it to the ground. The dog managed to escape and she was later found, but again I had no renter's insurance and was devasted by the loss.

Maybe these dreams are just my sub-conscious nagging me to get renter's insurance. I didn't have it at the last place and I never had dreams like this. I own even less at this place and what's most important to me can't be replaced with money, like my Mom's paintings and the photographs, and my pets, and my families life. But I think I'll take the hint and start looking for renter's insurance.

Ain't no rain stopping my dog

Sophie the puggle don't care if it's pouring rain outside, she wants her walk. So I walked her, between the leash, the poop pick up bag and the umbrella I had my hands full.

She didn't make it quick either.

She took her full 1/2 hour to find a spot to poop it out. Then we had to walk back to the dumpster to throw her poo away.

I really really really love my dog!!!!!!

Monochromatic

I got to work and noticed that from my boots to my roots I was totally dressed in shades of beige. I wrote a whole poem about it. I was totally bland today. I stayed busy. I stayed focused. It was a good solid non-eventful day.

Awesome!!!

Crusty Elbows

I have fat people elbows. They have folds of skin and they are dry, dark, and crusty. I scrub them. I lotion them. I have lost 18 pounds. I HATE my crusty disgusting elbows!!!!

I don't mind walking around naked and letting my fat gut hang out or my flabby arms jiggle or even having my thighs rub together. Everyone else objects, but I like not having clothes cutting into me and leaving marks on me. Even loose clothes leave marks on me, does that make me impressionable --- bad humor!!!!

I think I need to get a sander and grind these nasty elbows down....

Mother's Day 2010

I am alone on Mother's day. I miss my kid. I miss my Mom. She died in Jan. 1996, fourteen long years ago. But Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. My kid says my gift is that she's not here, but I miss her. I would always be with my Mom on Mother's day. I wonder if I screwed up raising my kid. Mom died before her 5th birthday. I let everything go when Mom died. I gained 40 pounds overnight. I stopped paying my bills. I stopped caring and fell into my very first huge depression. It lasted a long time. I never took the time to grieve her, to mourn her, to acknowledge the good and bad in our relationship. I am scared of repeating her mistakes. I am scared of dying at 48 like her. I don't want to be her, but the more I try not to be her the more I become her. Is everyone's relationship with their Mother this complex?

Hiccups and 200 miles

I have put 200 miles on my car today and I have hiccups. I drove my kid down to her grandma's house. Then drove back, went to the grocery, put gas in the car and came home to find the dog had left a pile of doggie doo on the carpet. Then I walked her, cleaned up her mess, petted her because she was all hyped up and made pizza for dinner. I ate, walked the dog a 2nd time. Took my med then went to lay down. Then just as I got settled hoping for a nap, HICCUPS!!!!

I seldom get hiccups. My kid gets them all the time. I always tell her she's sucking in too much air. I think I laid down too soon after I ate. This is so annoying. I've tried holding my breath. Scaring myself (I looked in the mirror - just kidding), focused on the next hiccup, counted to 10 with deep breathing, laid with my head upside down from the couch!!!! Nothing worked, I still have them. I'm getting annoyed.

I hate hiccups!!!!

cm punk

i'm past the go out and party friday night phase of my life. i'm past the let's just get drunk and screw phase of my life. i don't drink booze anymore. i quit smoking 10 years ago. the only med i take is for my high cholesterol. i haven't had sex in years. so i love watching wwe smackdown on friday night for cm punk.

it makes me feel better when he talks about is straight edge lifestyle. he chose his, but i just fell into mine. no man wants to have sex with me. booze makes me puke, and my kid got asthma so i quit smoking for her. my only remaining vices are sims 3 and food. lots and lots of food hence my med for high cholesterol.

i know it's silly to watch wrasslin at all. but it makes me laugh, it's just so over the top stupid sometimes i can't help but crack up over it. my daughter really is into it, she follows blogs, twitters, sites, and all that crap. me i just watch smackdown and sometimes raw. i've gone to 2 matches with her (hate the pyro when it's live!!!!) and just enjoy the view of some very well built men.

Does that make me sexist? like the diva's aren't there purely for the viewing pleasure of the dominantly male audience. at one show a grandpa with a bunch of his grandkids slept through every match until the diva's came out then all of the sudden not only was he WIDE awake he needed the binoculars from his grandkids so he could see the match. So i think it's okay that i'm watching for two things, nice hard toned male asses, and a good laugh. My life is so sad and depressing I'll take my kicks where I can find them.

What a glorius sunshine day!!!

It is a beautiful sunny mild ohio day. It is a rare occurence in spring to have a perfect weather day and i think today is it. I want to remember this day so that when we have the next crappy day I can be reminded that there was once a perfect day. I want to turn off the air conditioning and open the windows. But my kid says she's hot and doesn't care if the house smells like wet dog. The house smells like wet dog because of all the rain we had been getting and the dog loves her puddles. Then she comes in and rolls on everything.

If you try to dry her off with a towel she thinks it's a game and tries to take the towel from you in a fierce tug of war battle. It's cute and yet so annoying since she does stink. Tonight she's getting a bath, sh! don't tell her. At least she'll smell like baby shampoo for a couple of days which is better then just plain old wet dog smell.

Maybe tonight we will try to find the dog park with a fenced in off the leash area so she's be really tired when I put her in the tub. She loves getting in the tub and splashing in the water. The moment you shut the bathroom door on her she goes into a panic, because she knows tub play time has just turned into bath time. She doesn't like being washed, she just wants to play. But I must be strong and take charge and get that stinky dog clean. I just can't take the smell anymore!

Cinco De Momma

My baby girl bought me dinner at Chipotle!!!! And since my tummy had finally settled I jumped right into a chicken burrito. It was yummy!!! But I might regret that later, i guess i won't find out until later tonight. Of course, dinner came with a don't expect anything for mother's day, quip. I wasn't expecting anything at all since she's heading out to visit her paternal grandma and aunt for the next two weeks. and I have to work this mother's day. i really hope they move the maitenance schedule to the following sunday.

i like to get reflective on mother's day about mom. we had such a dynamic relationship. when i was younger it was more combative and after i had my daughter we became more like friends. i do miss her. i'd like to blame all my craziness on her, but she's probably like 75% of it. i wish sometimes i could just go back and be holding her hand there at the end. we are born alone and we die alone.

and i worry i'll die before i'm 50 just like my mom. i worry about that alot, yet i fail in controlling my eating habits and exercising, which puts me on the path of a blockage in my heart. i need to be proactive but all i do is worry. worry worry worry.

My Dr. Pepper Addiction

How do I love dr. pepper let me count the ways - even tho my tummy is upset i still drink my diet cherry dr. pepper. When they finally came out with cherry dr. pepper I thought it's about damn time. When I had an emergency appendectomy on my 17th birthday my dad snuck me in a dr. pepper. When I baby sat a 2 year old when I was 16 he threw a fit in the grocery store to have his mom by me dr. pepper. He jumped up and down in the cart saying 'Shan Shann drink that, get that' I loved that kid! My dog drinks dr. pepper. My kid drinks dr. pepper. I remember drinking dr. pepper when i was 4 in MeeMaw's kitchen eating cupcakes while sipping the sweet flavor packed pop. if i die may there be dr. pepper be where ever i end up. Amen.

It's Explosive!!!!

I've felt out of sorts since yesterday. But no headache, no fever, no stomach cramping, no warning, today at lunch, I'm at DQ eating me a snickers blizzard, bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a dr. pepper and wham!!!! EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!! I crapped my pants in a DQ!!! How sad!

I rushed back to work, had to visit the bathroom again, skyped my boss that I had gotten violently ill at lunch and had to go work from home and I'd be back on after I cleaned up. I took a shower threw my clothes in the wash and worked from bed the rest of the afternoon. My kid found me some diarrhea tablets and it has subsided, but what a way to ruin a day.

I am debating if I should work from home again tomorrow or attempt to go in. I still have no headache and no fever, just the poops. I ate some macaroni and cheese and thus far have had no more explosions. I guess I'll have to wait and see if it goes away. I do hate surprises, especially explosive ones. My dad says the older you get the more you just can't trust a fart.

Sunday Blues

What a depressing rainy day in Ohio this Sunday!!! I ache all over. The house is a mess. I have no energy. I do declare this a down day. Sunday is bittersweet. It's my last day off for 5 whole days, so I should find a way to enjoy it, but Monday and the beginning of the work week weigh heavily on my mind.

It's not that I don't like my job, it has it's ups and downs just like I do. I just really wish I didn't need to work. I know the old saying, that idle hands are the devil's tools, but I'd like to find out.

The longest I've been unemployed since I started working at 16 was in 2008. And it was great, except for the fact I was broke and unemployment didn't cover the rent plus utilities and my kid wanted stupid things, like food to eat.

But alas, I've checked my lottery numbers and I'm still working poor. The sad story of my life will be that I worked and still didn't amount to anything.

Happily Ever After

I want my happily ever after, and even though logically my head tells me that I have a better chance of being struck by lightening, my heart won't give up the search. I want so badly to have someone to confide in, to hold, to love. I've been through so many bad relationships I can only conclude it's me that's broken. These men have gone on to have long marriages after me, but none of my relationships last more then a year. I was married for 4 years, but we only lived under the same roof 7 months. So it's got to be me.

It makes me sad to think I will be growing old alone. It makes me want to die young. I have a better relationship with my female dog then I've ever had with any friends or men. Other then my kid and my dad I lead an isolated existence. I am not good at making small talk and I get bored easily. I can't even remember simple facts about people I meet, like their names and where they are from. I am just not a people person. I am not able to form meaningful life connections. I have no purpose.

I want to walk out into this rainy day and never look back. But I can't. I am a mother, a daughter, and a dog owner. I have responsibilites that I can't just cut away from. I know I feel unimportant, but I do have duties that are important. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and tell me they understand and they're here for me.

Sinus Valley

As if being mental wasn't enough, I have the sinus headache from hell. My head is killing me. My outdoor allergies are knocking me on my butt. I have tried every prescription and otc sinus/allergy med there is and nothing helps. It's so frustrating. Even the non-drowsy crap makes me sleepy. I feel like someone is smacking me with a brick right across my forehead.

The weatherman says it's going to be a beautiful hot sunny day. He forgot to mention that with every one cutting the grass and all the flowers bloomy, it's also going to be a whammy for you sinus and allergy suffers to be suffering. Always a catch for me.

The sneezing doesn't bother me as much as my eyes watery constantly does. It makes it hard to see. And that annoys me when I'm trying to work or drive. And when it's nice outside the dog wants extra walks. I don't blame her for wanting to go outside more when the sun is shining and the birds are singing.

I wish I could spend more time outside without feeling like I am being stuffed with cotton. I think I'm allergic to the outside. Not just grass, pollen, and air borne stuff, but the creatures as well. Bees, wasps, hornets, spiders, it's just God's world out there and I'd rather be in my man made little world inside on the computer.

Home Sweet Home

My Baby G is home!!!! Yesterday was exhausting!!!! It's an 8 hour round trip drive to Louisville and back. I call it a back killing and butt numbing trip. The few car accidents that got in the way didn't help the timing either. And it taking 2 hours to load her up and clean her dorm room was an hour more then I had anticipated.

She hadn't vacuumed her dorm room since December. It was so gross!!! I emptied the vacuum extra large "bucket" 4 times!!! I did find 11 cents though. My Dad really out did himself, he rocks!!! He hauled all the heavy stuff down all those stairs, including the fridge. The dorm fridge she bought was alot bigger then I thought it would be. She said she had to get the big one because it was the only one that had a freezer big enough for her jumbo back of chicken nuggets. My kid LOVES her chicken nuggets even at 19!!!

She's sound asleep still and it's after 11AM. All her stuff is in the garage. It is not going to put itself away and I am certainly not going to unpack her. She's a woman now and she's got to do things for herself. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Now if I can just get her to pass her driver's test she'll almost be all grown up. Wish me luck with that one.

The Final Countdown

I'm so excited!!!! 24 hours from now my daughter will be home from her freshman year of college. It's an 7 hour round trip from here to Louisville, not to mention the ton of stairs we have to go up and down to load up all her stuff in Dad's mini-van, but I'm still so excited to be seeing her. I haven't seen her since the first week of March.

It's been so depressing not being with her every day. Sometimes she drives me nuts and other times she cracks me up. I get so bored without her. I guess I should've developed hobbies or kept up with friendships while I was raising her so I'd have something to do when she went away to college. But honestly, I thought she was going to a local college and going to live at home or at least be home every weekend.

But she's happy at her college in Louisville and she wants to be a lawyer right now. And more power to her. But she tells me no FREE legal advice. I'm going broke sending her to college and I get no free legal advice when she becomes a lawyer. Like I said she really cracks me up sometimes.