Mother's Day 2010

I am alone on Mother's day. I miss my kid. I miss my Mom. She died in Jan. 1996, fourteen long years ago. But Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. My kid says my gift is that she's not here, but I miss her. I would always be with my Mom on Mother's day. I wonder if I screwed up raising my kid. Mom died before her 5th birthday. I let everything go when Mom died. I gained 40 pounds overnight. I stopped paying my bills. I stopped caring and fell into my very first huge depression. It lasted a long time. I never took the time to grieve her, to mourn her, to acknowledge the good and bad in our relationship. I am scared of repeating her mistakes. I am scared of dying at 48 like her. I don't want to be her, but the more I try not to be her the more I become her. Is everyone's relationship with their Mother this complex?