Happy Memorial Day!!!

Today is a day to remember those who served our country, the military men and women. My family has a long tradition of military service dating back to the civil war. I am proud of those that join the military. I hope for peace every day, but I sleep well at night knowing the fine men and women that are there to protect our country.

I hope one day war and violence will be only a story that children are told as a cautionary tale of warning.

Until then, thank you soldiers and their families, and other that support them for their sacrifice.

People suck!!!

I'm so annoyed right now. I wonder why people live in apartments if they can't grasp the common space concept. I'm walking my dog back behind my apartment on a retaining wall area that goes down to the end of the row of our building. Since I didn't unlock the back door before we left I have to walk down to the end and around the side. No big deal.

The lady at the end opens her front door and starts yelling at me that I'm not allowed to walk there, that's her grass, I can't let me dog poop there.

#1 - Sophie did NOT poop!!!!

#2 - If Sophie had pooped I'd pick it up, I ALWAYS pick her poop up, that's why I carry the little plastic grocery bags.

#3 - The side of the building is NOT her GRASS!!!! It is a common area.

I told her these 3 things and she kept yelling at me. She yelled. "I watched you from the upstairs window." Big whoop!!! The kids walk back there, her kids walk back there, everyone walks back there, it's COMMON area. Sophie was never on her patio. Sophie has never pooped around her apartment. She then says, "I'll take this up to the office on Tuesday." I said, "Fine!!!"

I walk my dog ALL over the apartment complex. If she poops, I pick it up and throw it away. The main reason I picked this apartment complex was because of all the grassy areas for my dog to walk and play on. There are at least 15 dogs that I know about in this complex that could be pooping on "her" grass. This is sad, she needs to get a house.

I told Gab when Jeremy comes to fix the drain on Tuesday to talk to him about it or have him call me. He knows I always pick up after Sophie. And he knows I walk her everywhere just to get her exercise. The woman has lost her ever lovin' mind. I don't know what dog is crapping next to her door, but I hope it keeps crapping there, and she catches them and realizes it's not me and has to apologize.

What a horrible person? Doesn't even know me or bother to give me the benefit of the doubt. She just thought to herself, I'm going to yell at the 1st person I see with a dog, so I feel better!!!

I feel sorry for her.

Another jolly good visit to the dog park

We had another fun time at the dog park today. Sophie ran around with new buddies and played her little heart out. Man it got hot fast!!! We were only there for an hour. It's going to be a toasty day. Now that Sophie is passed out at my feet snoozing, I can focus on getting the downstairs cleaned.

Phase 2 of the cleaning weekend is about to begin. I hope my back holds up. I have got to declutter the entry way. I keep tripping over the dog cage and my suitcase.

Have a great day!!!

Stage 1 of Cleaning Weekend Completed

Yes, I am spending a holiday weekend cleaning!!!

Now let's move on. I finished cleaning my bedroom, walk-in closet, and bathroom. It took 4 1/2 hours and 3 big boxes of trash, but it's done. Now Gab has to go thru all her crap that was still in the walk-in closet and decide what to keep and what to toss. Plus, her room is much smaller, so what she doesn't want to keep in her room will have to go back in the walk-in closet. I have used every single hanger I had in the closet and the boxes in the closet.

I need a 2nd dresser to put my jammies, t-shirts, shorts, and sweats in. My current 5 drawer dresser is filled with socks, bras, and panties. I had no idea I had so many socks and panties. The bras only take up one drawer and it's not full all the way. I always need bras. I think it's time to take a trip to the outlet mall and get me some more bras. I have to get 42 DDD's so I have to go to Lane Bryant to get them and I HATE underwires!!!! Lane Bryant has the most amazing non-underwire bras that I LOVE, but they are usually $26 each. At the outlet store they are around $12 each. Much better!!!

Now I have to match the socks up. And I never match all of them. I have no idea where all the socks go. I buy the same kind over and over, but I still end up short. It baffles me. Do they go on vacation to another dimension?

My lower back is killing me!!! I need to take some back pain med, icy hot the s.o.b up and crash. I have to clean the downstairs tomorrow. And that's gonna be a minimum of 2 hours. It won't be as bad, because I cleaned before the trip to Meemaw's. But the foyer is super cluttered with all the return trip stuff. And the cat's bathroom, needs swept, moped, and cleansed thoroughly. But it will still stink, my cat's shit STINKS!!!! He's nasty!!! That's why the 1/2 bath downstairs is all his. I send people upstairs to the bathroom when they visit. I've tried every scent product on the market to get that stank out and none of them work very well.

My feet are aching too. I think I worked physically hard today then I have since we moved here last year. Alot of the junk I threw out today should've never moved here, but since I waited until the last minute to pack, it got thrown in a box and moved. I procrastinate when it comes to moving!!! I loathe it!!! I hope the next time I move will be the last time and it will be a house with a fenced yard for the dog. But I'm dreaming for now.

I think I'll sleep good tonight!!!

Simple Weekend Planned

This weekend I am striving towards simplicity. I will not go anywhere that isn't necessary. I will clean. I will declutter. I will organize. I will scrub. I will dust. I will vacuum. I will sweat. I will toil. I will sit down on Monday evening and be at peace in a clean home.

This is my goal for the long weekend. I am sick of tripping over suitcases and boxes. I am tired of hunting through a pile of clothes to find shorts or underwear. I need some order restored physically in this world to soothe me. I find the more chaos that physically surrounds me the more chaos I have inside my head.

When my world is dirty, my heart is aching and my mind cannot rest. I am by no means a neat freak, but stubbing toes really does suck!!!

The great outdoors suck!!!

I really hate having to go outside in the summertime. The bugs, the ants, the spiders, the wasps, bees, hornets. The pollen, the screaming kids running around like wild animals. It sucks.

Plus my car air conditioning doesn't work. I have to come home from work and take a shower because i'm sticky with sweat. winter just suits me and my fat obese body better.

i'm so allergic to the world. and i know it hates me. why else am i ignored everywhere i go?

this was a total waste of a day. all it's been about is frustration and pain. and to top it off i noticed how damn fat my nose has gotten and now i can't stop playing with it. i keep pushing the tip of my nose side to side and up and down. it's like when you find a pimple you hadn't noticed and you have to pick at it until it bleeds. i hope i don't make my nose bleed. that would be so stupid of me.

Oh My, Oh Dear, Life is full of Fear!

gab is 19 and had to have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets which she then pretended to have them eat each other before she ate them.

sophie bit gab's hand trying to take her own bite out of the dino-nuggets. bad puppy!

i'm taking my dad to the columbus zoo for father's day. i'll try not to leave him with the gorilla's even tho i think they are more closely related then people think. i personally prefer the manatee's.

it's hot. not as hot as TN nor as humid, but i have no air conditioning in the car and haven't for 4 years now. i'm going to have to break down and get a newer car or the car will just break down and leave me no choice. i think the latter will be the first thing to happen, unless i win the lottery soon. that's my retirement plan, the lottery, hit the big jackpot and spend it like a fool.

this is all my life is... wake up, shower, take med, go to work, eat breakfast, work, attempt to work, give up on work, go to lunch, work, get frustrated and want to punch the computer, work, then come home, walk the dog, take med, eat dinner, check facebook (no one misses me) check email (no one needs me) blog (no one reads these) watch TV, shower, drink straight from the nyquil bottle, brush my teeth, let the dog out to potty one last time and go to bed. repeat every boring frackin' day of my life.

It's been awhile

I've been on the road. I went to Tennessee to see my Meemaw for the first time in 10 years. She's full of fight and stubborn as a mule. She refuses to use her cane. and she insists on getting up and waiting on people. Everyone tries to get her to relax, but as my Aunt Jenny said, "She's gonna do what she wants to do until the day she dies!" Which I hope is a long way out, but I worry. I see how hard it is for her to step up and down from the house to the patio then to the driveway. She even sways like she's going to fall. I love my Meemaw so much, I just can't imagine this world without her.

She said when I was little and I'd go to the store with her and Grandpa that I would have a trick to get me a toy. I'd wait until Grandpa was out of ear shot then I'd say, I ain't havin any fun, over and over until Meemaw would say, Would a new toy be fun and I say, Let's go get one. I've never heard that story before and it was nice to see the smile on her face as she remembered it.

She is confused somewhat. She kept calling me by Mom's name. And she got other people mixed up to. She admitted that the stroke done wiped her mind clean. She said she knows what she wants to say but it just won't come out or it comes out the wrong way. It frustrates her alot. She got her hair cut short and permed. It looks so cute on her. It gives her a mop top of curls that makes her look like she's got tons of moxie. She tries to stay sassy, but she tires easily.

Got to visit with most of the family. Ten years is a long time not to visit. Ty is 5, so this was his first time meeting me. I kept asking him, who am I and he'd get the blankest look on his face, and I say I'm cousin Shannon and he'd go oh, okay, I'd ask him 10 minutes later, what my name was and the blank look was back. I told him he needs to work on his memory. He called Dad, Uncle Jerry, then he called him That guy, which was too funny.

Yes, it was great to see the family. To hear the stories and see the bubba's (Dad and his 3 brothers) shoot the breeze. Politics gets these old coots all worked up. I don't like to discuss politics, there's no discussion about it, because every one already has their mind made up so it's pointless to talk about it. It just turns into an intense akward near arguement. No thank you!!!!

I hope to visit once a year for as long as Meemaw is here to see. It's a heck of a drive and hopefully, that new Motel by the Wally world will be finished, cuz the one we stayed at sucked!!!!! Dad was down there 3 years ago and he said it had gone downhill quick. I found a bug in the bed. There was no breakfast like they advertised. And it was dirty all around. Yuck, Yuck, and triple Yuck!!!

Well, it's good to be home. Sophie had fun with Molly and her owners Jeremy and Ashley. He took real good care of her, but by Saturday Sophie was homesick and had stopped eating. She was a real good puggle for him. No accidents. Shared her toys with his dog Molly. I missed that dog sleeping next to me. Gab's just happy to have a cell phone signal, air conditioning, cable t.v. and internet access 24/7. She thought she was dying out at MeeMaw's house where you have none of those. She said she now knew what the pioneers went through. Sheesh!!!

But I am not going to miss the heat and humidity. I drank tons of water and only went to the potty once in 8 hours. As soon as I drank the water, the heat sucked it right back out of my flesh. I missed my bed and air conditioning the most!!! God Bless the person who invented air condittioning!!! Amen!!!

On The Road

Well the time has come in the year when people are traveling more. I don't mind the traveling as much as everything you have to do to get ready to travel. Taking out the trash, getting someone to dog sit, washing all the dishes, making sure there's nothing the cat can get into or anything bugs would want. It's exhausting!

It makes me never want to leave my house. But it's for a good cause. I get to see Meemaw for the first time in 10 years. She's been sick and fell recently. At 86 the number of days remaining on her lifespan are rapidly declining. My uncle says there are times when she gets confused and isn't sure when it is, minor dementia, but it worries me.

Meemaw is fiercly independent and a fighter. She pulled out all her i.v.'s at the hospital and was getting dressed to go home when the nurses came rushing in on her. They had to put her in restraints to keep her from leaving the hospital!!!

I hope we travel safely and have a good visit with Meemaw.

I love my puggle, Sophie!!!

Soon I will be taking a trip to visit my sick grandma and sadly I must leave Sophie, my dearest beloved granddog behind. I have a neighbor that just adores her and he and his girlfriend agreed to watch her for a couple of days. He has a dog that's 1/2 beagle and 1/2 shitzu (a sheagle???) Her and Sophie play so well together. But I am nervous. I felt the same way when my 2 year old daughter (now 19) went with my parents to visit the same grandma for the very first time and I had to stay behind for college classes.

I have her little case packed. It's got some fave toys, treats, and blankie in it. People keep telling me she's just a dog, but when you live alone and the kid is off at college and only calls you when she needs money, Sophie is my best friend. She tilts her cute little noggin' left then right when I talk to her, Like she wants to understand, and she's listening.

I hope she has fun and doesn't miss me. It's only a couple of days. I will miss her so much. I love my puggle Sophie!!!

not much going on

more rain, more work, more boredom, on top of boredom. disney channel shows are so obnoxious. i leave it on disney in the morning for the dog so she doesn't get lonely. handy manny i can stomach, but the retarded show that's on the boat with the twins is the stupidest, most predictable thing i've ever seen on t.v. the laugh track is constantly going and the jokes are lame-O!!!

i do like phineous and ferb (i probably spelled phineous wrong) why do kids watch this crap, do they just not want to do their homework. and to make it worse i can't find the remote to change it. and where are the parents? why does every kid show find a way to write out the parents? I think the reason patricide has increased is because networks have portrayed on t.v. that life is so much easier and better without your parental units. crazy? maybe, but maybe i'm on to something.

The dog park experience

Yesterday Sophie and I headed out to find the dog park. We found it and she played her little heart out for almost 2 hours. She was running, and playing with the big dogs. Full Throttle Sophie!!!

So this morning we headed out again to the dog park. She could barely contain her excitement on the way there. She played another 2 hours with more big dogs. She loves it there. I knew she was all tuckered out when she came right to the leash and let me put it on her.

We came home and she slept for 2 hours. I think we have a new weekend morning destination for us, as long as the weather is good. I'm so proud of my puggle Sophie. She's so friendly. She gets along with big dogs and little dogs. She even played catch me if you can with a little boy that had brought his dog.

It's been a really good weekend. Even though I had to work Friday night into Saturday early AM. I feel rested and content. Now if only I can find the enthusiasm to clean the apartment.

Pizza Addiction

I am seriously addicted to pizza. My fave is green peppers, sausage, and pepperoni on a thin crust. I got one from a local place today and I've been munching on it off and on. I know my chlosterol is too high. But I can't give up pizza. Even if I can only have it once a month it's better then never at all.

This lifestyle change is killing me. I stopped going to my workouts because the kid came home and I was swamped with doing stuff with her. I've also been working alot of weekends, this one included. I have been remembering to take the med twice a day most days. I still just can't stomach most fruits and veggies. Where did my parents go wrong? My mom always made a veggie at dinner and we always had to eat our veggies.

Maybe it was this forced eating of the veggies that has led me to not wanting to even buy them, let alone eat them. It always feels like such a burden to eat my veggies. It's not that I think they taste bad. It's like they don't taste like anything at all. I do like green peppers, brocoli, cucumbers, peas, and carrots. But even if I buy them I don't fix them, because I'm so lazy. It's easier to throw something in the microwave then to get out a knife and cutting board and cut up some veggies.

I go back to the doctor in October to have my chlosterol numbers checked and if they still aren't down, good bye pizza, good bye and hello veggies. I hope the med is working. I've made changes, reduced fat cheeses, fat free pudding, diet frozen foods, vitamins and fish oil. I just hope it's enough. I pray it's enough.

Crazy dreams of late

Wow, I have been having some really crazy weird dreams lately.

Last night - We live "under" the landing flight path for a local airport. I wish I had realized that before I rented this apartment, but I did not. Last night I dreamed in the middle of the night one of the planes crashed in the field right behind the apartment complex while trying to land. I had to grab the dog and cat and make a run for it in my pj's. The apartment was destroyed. I still can recall the smell of melting siding. And to top it all off I lost everything and didn't have renter's insurance.

Tuesday night - I dreamed about my ex-husband and his family. Never a good dream. He showed up at my door demanding $500. I have no idea why. We've been divorced 2 years on May 12th and I haven't seen him or had any contact with him since that day in divorce court. I don't have $500 and I told him that if I did I wouldn't give him a penny of it, the jackass. Then he sent his brother to harass me. So I called the cops and was getting a restraining order when he and his brothers decided to break into my apartment and steal $500 worth of stuff. I don't have alot of expensive things. I guess they weren't happy with what they found because they torched my apartment and burned it to the ground. The dog managed to escape and she was later found, but again I had no renter's insurance and was devasted by the loss.

Maybe these dreams are just my sub-conscious nagging me to get renter's insurance. I didn't have it at the last place and I never had dreams like this. I own even less at this place and what's most important to me can't be replaced with money, like my Mom's paintings and the photographs, and my pets, and my families life. But I think I'll take the hint and start looking for renter's insurance.

Ain't no rain stopping my dog

Sophie the puggle don't care if it's pouring rain outside, she wants her walk. So I walked her, between the leash, the poop pick up bag and the umbrella I had my hands full.

She didn't make it quick either.

She took her full 1/2 hour to find a spot to poop it out. Then we had to walk back to the dumpster to throw her poo away.

I really really really love my dog!!!!!!

Monochromatic

I got to work and noticed that from my boots to my roots I was totally dressed in shades of beige. I wrote a whole poem about it. I was totally bland today. I stayed busy. I stayed focused. It was a good solid non-eventful day.

Awesome!!!

Crusty Elbows

I have fat people elbows. They have folds of skin and they are dry, dark, and crusty. I scrub them. I lotion them. I have lost 18 pounds. I HATE my crusty disgusting elbows!!!!

I don't mind walking around naked and letting my fat gut hang out or my flabby arms jiggle or even having my thighs rub together. Everyone else objects, but I like not having clothes cutting into me and leaving marks on me. Even loose clothes leave marks on me, does that make me impressionable --- bad humor!!!!

I think I need to get a sander and grind these nasty elbows down....

Mother's Day 2010

I am alone on Mother's day. I miss my kid. I miss my Mom. She died in Jan. 1996, fourteen long years ago. But Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. My kid says my gift is that she's not here, but I miss her. I would always be with my Mom on Mother's day. I wonder if I screwed up raising my kid. Mom died before her 5th birthday. I let everything go when Mom died. I gained 40 pounds overnight. I stopped paying my bills. I stopped caring and fell into my very first huge depression. It lasted a long time. I never took the time to grieve her, to mourn her, to acknowledge the good and bad in our relationship. I am scared of repeating her mistakes. I am scared of dying at 48 like her. I don't want to be her, but the more I try not to be her the more I become her. Is everyone's relationship with their Mother this complex?

Hiccups and 200 miles

I have put 200 miles on my car today and I have hiccups. I drove my kid down to her grandma's house. Then drove back, went to the grocery, put gas in the car and came home to find the dog had left a pile of doggie doo on the carpet. Then I walked her, cleaned up her mess, petted her because she was all hyped up and made pizza for dinner. I ate, walked the dog a 2nd time. Took my med then went to lay down. Then just as I got settled hoping for a nap, HICCUPS!!!!

I seldom get hiccups. My kid gets them all the time. I always tell her she's sucking in too much air. I think I laid down too soon after I ate. This is so annoying. I've tried holding my breath. Scaring myself (I looked in the mirror - just kidding), focused on the next hiccup, counted to 10 with deep breathing, laid with my head upside down from the couch!!!! Nothing worked, I still have them. I'm getting annoyed.

I hate hiccups!!!!

cm punk

i'm past the go out and party friday night phase of my life. i'm past the let's just get drunk and screw phase of my life. i don't drink booze anymore. i quit smoking 10 years ago. the only med i take is for my high cholesterol. i haven't had sex in years. so i love watching wwe smackdown on friday night for cm punk.

it makes me feel better when he talks about is straight edge lifestyle. he chose his, but i just fell into mine. no man wants to have sex with me. booze makes me puke, and my kid got asthma so i quit smoking for her. my only remaining vices are sims 3 and food. lots and lots of food hence my med for high cholesterol.

i know it's silly to watch wrasslin at all. but it makes me laugh, it's just so over the top stupid sometimes i can't help but crack up over it. my daughter really is into it, she follows blogs, twitters, sites, and all that crap. me i just watch smackdown and sometimes raw. i've gone to 2 matches with her (hate the pyro when it's live!!!!) and just enjoy the view of some very well built men.

Does that make me sexist? like the diva's aren't there purely for the viewing pleasure of the dominantly male audience. at one show a grandpa with a bunch of his grandkids slept through every match until the diva's came out then all of the sudden not only was he WIDE awake he needed the binoculars from his grandkids so he could see the match. So i think it's okay that i'm watching for two things, nice hard toned male asses, and a good laugh. My life is so sad and depressing I'll take my kicks where I can find them.

What a glorius sunshine day!!!

It is a beautiful sunny mild ohio day. It is a rare occurence in spring to have a perfect weather day and i think today is it. I want to remember this day so that when we have the next crappy day I can be reminded that there was once a perfect day. I want to turn off the air conditioning and open the windows. But my kid says she's hot and doesn't care if the house smells like wet dog. The house smells like wet dog because of all the rain we had been getting and the dog loves her puddles. Then she comes in and rolls on everything.

If you try to dry her off with a towel she thinks it's a game and tries to take the towel from you in a fierce tug of war battle. It's cute and yet so annoying since she does stink. Tonight she's getting a bath, sh! don't tell her. At least she'll smell like baby shampoo for a couple of days which is better then just plain old wet dog smell.

Maybe tonight we will try to find the dog park with a fenced in off the leash area so she's be really tired when I put her in the tub. She loves getting in the tub and splashing in the water. The moment you shut the bathroom door on her she goes into a panic, because she knows tub play time has just turned into bath time. She doesn't like being washed, she just wants to play. But I must be strong and take charge and get that stinky dog clean. I just can't take the smell anymore!

Cinco De Momma

My baby girl bought me dinner at Chipotle!!!! And since my tummy had finally settled I jumped right into a chicken burrito. It was yummy!!! But I might regret that later, i guess i won't find out until later tonight. Of course, dinner came with a don't expect anything for mother's day, quip. I wasn't expecting anything at all since she's heading out to visit her paternal grandma and aunt for the next two weeks. and I have to work this mother's day. i really hope they move the maitenance schedule to the following sunday.

i like to get reflective on mother's day about mom. we had such a dynamic relationship. when i was younger it was more combative and after i had my daughter we became more like friends. i do miss her. i'd like to blame all my craziness on her, but she's probably like 75% of it. i wish sometimes i could just go back and be holding her hand there at the end. we are born alone and we die alone.

and i worry i'll die before i'm 50 just like my mom. i worry about that alot, yet i fail in controlling my eating habits and exercising, which puts me on the path of a blockage in my heart. i need to be proactive but all i do is worry. worry worry worry.

My Dr. Pepper Addiction

How do I love dr. pepper let me count the ways - even tho my tummy is upset i still drink my diet cherry dr. pepper. When they finally came out with cherry dr. pepper I thought it's about damn time. When I had an emergency appendectomy on my 17th birthday my dad snuck me in a dr. pepper. When I baby sat a 2 year old when I was 16 he threw a fit in the grocery store to have his mom by me dr. pepper. He jumped up and down in the cart saying 'Shan Shann drink that, get that' I loved that kid! My dog drinks dr. pepper. My kid drinks dr. pepper. I remember drinking dr. pepper when i was 4 in MeeMaw's kitchen eating cupcakes while sipping the sweet flavor packed pop. if i die may there be dr. pepper be where ever i end up. Amen.

It's Explosive!!!!

I've felt out of sorts since yesterday. But no headache, no fever, no stomach cramping, no warning, today at lunch, I'm at DQ eating me a snickers blizzard, bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a dr. pepper and wham!!!! EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!! I crapped my pants in a DQ!!! How sad!

I rushed back to work, had to visit the bathroom again, skyped my boss that I had gotten violently ill at lunch and had to go work from home and I'd be back on after I cleaned up. I took a shower threw my clothes in the wash and worked from bed the rest of the afternoon. My kid found me some diarrhea tablets and it has subsided, but what a way to ruin a day.

I am debating if I should work from home again tomorrow or attempt to go in. I still have no headache and no fever, just the poops. I ate some macaroni and cheese and thus far have had no more explosions. I guess I'll have to wait and see if it goes away. I do hate surprises, especially explosive ones. My dad says the older you get the more you just can't trust a fart.

Sunday Blues

What a depressing rainy day in Ohio this Sunday!!! I ache all over. The house is a mess. I have no energy. I do declare this a down day. Sunday is bittersweet. It's my last day off for 5 whole days, so I should find a way to enjoy it, but Monday and the beginning of the work week weigh heavily on my mind.

It's not that I don't like my job, it has it's ups and downs just like I do. I just really wish I didn't need to work. I know the old saying, that idle hands are the devil's tools, but I'd like to find out.

The longest I've been unemployed since I started working at 16 was in 2008. And it was great, except for the fact I was broke and unemployment didn't cover the rent plus utilities and my kid wanted stupid things, like food to eat.

But alas, I've checked my lottery numbers and I'm still working poor. The sad story of my life will be that I worked and still didn't amount to anything.

Happily Ever After

I want my happily ever after, and even though logically my head tells me that I have a better chance of being struck by lightening, my heart won't give up the search. I want so badly to have someone to confide in, to hold, to love. I've been through so many bad relationships I can only conclude it's me that's broken. These men have gone on to have long marriages after me, but none of my relationships last more then a year. I was married for 4 years, but we only lived under the same roof 7 months. So it's got to be me.

It makes me sad to think I will be growing old alone. It makes me want to die young. I have a better relationship with my female dog then I've ever had with any friends or men. Other then my kid and my dad I lead an isolated existence. I am not good at making small talk and I get bored easily. I can't even remember simple facts about people I meet, like their names and where they are from. I am just not a people person. I am not able to form meaningful life connections. I have no purpose.

I want to walk out into this rainy day and never look back. But I can't. I am a mother, a daughter, and a dog owner. I have responsibilites that I can't just cut away from. I know I feel unimportant, but I do have duties that are important. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and tell me they understand and they're here for me.