Reality Check

We are just friends with those yummy benefits.
That is all we will ever be.
You think I'm passive, I'm just different with you, because I wanted you to like me, so I toned it down.
But I do that when I really want a man to want me.
If I have him wrapped around my finger I'm a dominant bitch, but some men like that, unfortunately, that bores the shit out of me.

So, while I get to enjoy the benefits, I need to look for a man locally, to actually have a long term relationship with. I ain't getting any younger. And I am not going to change. I need attention!
I like having someone ask me how my day went and listening to me or pretending to listen to me.

Like I pretend to listen to him now, even though I could care less about the video game or listen to the same story for the 4th time.
My memory is bad, but usually if you tell me a store 2 or so times, it starts to stick. I hate saying I've heard this before, but really I have.

And sometimes he just doesn't let me talk at all. And when I start to say something he just keeps going. And even worse, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying, so I end up blurting out the most outrageous thing I can think of just to get him to stop talking and go what was that.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, I think he's smart, funny, but he's really starting to bore me.

This happens to me with every guy I ever like. I get to know them and then they aren't that interesting. It's not so bad with him, but I'm a realist at my core and no matter how many pretty pictures I try to paint in my mind about loving him and living with him, they all end badly. I just am not made for a long term relationship, and I want one so badly, like a kid who wants a panther for christmas.

I can blame being bi-polar or blame the borderline personality disorder, but I think I'm just a lazy person and trying to build a relationship with someone, even a friendship, is just too exhausting. He thinks I'm agressive in the bedroom, and I am, because, frankly, when we are fucking, he's not talking and neither am I and it's a nice break!