The Cough Continues....

Bronchitis is the bitch that won't leave me alone!
I finished my antibiotics and my coughing fits are getting further apart but they are more intense.
I just can't shake them.

Now when I cough it is so intense I get light headed and I see dots and swirls of light around me.
I have lean against the closet firm object, like a wall or desk to keep from falling over.
I have to find water and a cough drop once the coughing dies down to keep it from stoping.
My kid is sick again and I told her if she passes this back to me I'm going to hurt her and I mean it!!!!!
I have been sick non-stop for the past 3 weeks and I'm exhausted.
I haven't been able to do anything, working out is impossible because I can't breathe.

I'm going to start on the exercise bike tonight and I haven't been on it since 2/12.
This is going to hurt!
I figure I'll peddle for 5 minutes, stretch, do 5 minutes more, stretch, and then do 10 minutes, stretch, and then 15 minutes.
That will get my 30 minutes in, but I know my legs and lungs will be burning!
But the doctor told me not to exercise with bronchitis.
So I listened to her but now I've finished the antibiotics almost a week ago and I feel much better so it is time to get back on it.
I just hope it doesn't trigger a stupid coughing fit, they are awful now and nothing comes up anymore.
It is almost like my lungs just seizing up because they got used to it over the past couple of weeks.
This brutally cold air hasn't helped.

I'm so ready for warmer temperatures.
No matter how I cover my mouth and nose I can't stop breathing in the cold air.
And I can't avoid going outside, I go to work, the dog wants walked, and the air is so cold.
I love winter, but I love to look at it more than I love to be in it anymore.
The chill just makes me sick all the time now.
My bones hurt along with the rest of me.
I know I'm getting old now.

So Close and So Sick!

Had a blast at Raw! Got to see Roman Reigns getting ready to make his entrance.
Turns out when I'm nervouse I say everything in my head out loud.
That got a smirk out of him.
I turned into a mushy teenage giggly school girl, I really did.
I even ooooohhhhhhddddddddd and aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhdddddddddddd!!!!
I was just trying to hurry up from going to the bathroom to get back to my seat so I wouldn't miss his entrance.
Seeing him prepping to enter was cool and unexpected and I geeked!!!

What wasn't so fun, walking through the freezing temps from the kid's parking garage spot.
We froze there and back and it took way more than 10 minutes.
But we did meet a fellow female wrestling geek fan and we are going to money in the bank with her in June.
I know I know I know, we are are hopeless, but you got to love doing something right!!!

Tuesday I slept all day, sick!
Headache, fever, sneezing, coughing, so sad and oh so sick.
Of course, my kid had been sick Sunday and Monday.
So I spent Tuesday and Wednesday with it.
She had to take tylenol and cold meds just to get through Raw.
And she had to let me drive us home because she didn't feel well enough.
She had be my GPS though because she knows the way and I don't.
Plus, she said with her headache she couldn't handle my constant nagging of her driving.

I don't think i constantly nagged her while she drove.
I merely commented on the speed, her level of fiddling with everything (radio, cell phone, etc...)
She doesn't keep her hands on the wheel at all.
She's always messing with stuff and moving around the front of the car!
How has she kept from having an accident i have no idea.
She waits till the last possible second to brake!
The drive there was nerve racking for both of us, lol!

YES I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!!!!!!

Monday RAW Adventure

So excited, me and the kid, are heading to Monday night RAW this coming Monday.
Yes, i watch wrestling and i like it ALOT!!!!
It isn't reality t.v. and it isn't so scripted that i have to give it a ton of thought either.
and it isn't UFC or MMA where there's real blood and guts all the time.
It's enough cheesy and physical that it meets my happy medium of mind numbing entertainment.
I go to enjoy it.

I go to forget that i got a pay cut last year that wiped out my last 6 years of raises.
I go to yell and scream and act goofy.
I go to look at the man candy.
I go to forget that most of the time my life is exceptionally boring.
I don't do much in the way of entertainment.
I seldom go out.

I'm going to start working on paying down my debt.
I'm going to focus on credit cards, there's only 2 so that I want done in 6 months.
Then i'm going to work on the car.
After the car is paid off I'm going to hit my last student loan.
Then my kid's car and student loans.
I'm hoping within 2-3 years with the exception of the home and of course our monthly bills like electricity to be debt free.

so entertainment will be scarce.
i have enough scrapbooking stuff to keep me busy for ages.
plus, now with scripture study class and church activities which are free that should be keeping me busy.
but i do love seeing the super hero movies on the big screen.
you really can't be that, the big ultimate screen with the surround sounds are awesome, but i really want to be debt free.
student loans for my daughter are already near $50K and she just informed me she wants to get her masters.
ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so proud, i'm so proud, i am so proud!

but it so expensive.

so if i can start paying on them now and maybe by the time she gets that masters she will owe little to none on it that would be awesome.
now i know why God only blessed me with one child.
i do so much for her and i would do that for all my children i would need millions to raise more than one, lol.

we are blessed.

we have everything we need and most of what we want.

not that we have expensive taste. i get so excited when i buy a book. really i do. i'm such a geek.

i'll be the woman on raw with a roman reigns rocks sign and on the back it will say Hi Dad it's SIS!!!

Straight and Narrow Like an Arrow

I'm working on my inner self trying to find a path that doesn't involve getting my heart ripped out and eating myself to death.
I'm scared of men and love so I've turned to God.
I'm burying myself behind the bible, scripture, weekly church attendance and Amens!
I've taken a vow of chastity and I'm focusing on my own spirtual, physical, emotional and mental health.

My A1C is down to 6.6 from 7.4 a year ago and if I keep going I can stop taking the diabetes medications!

I know through God all things are possible!

As I exercise I keep telling myself that.
I don't mind walking that exercise doesn't bother me at all, but when it is brutal weather I have to exercise inside.
I loathe my stationary bike!
It is nothing personal I'd just rather be outside walking.
But I ride the bike and then I do some minor lifting with a small weight since I have the bad shoulder I do small weight and many repititons.
I get sick of it quickly though, but I know my body needs it to be healthy.

My body is a temple not a wasteland or hollow vessel for men to walk all over!
I'm trying to be a better me.
I know it is in here somewhere but digging her out is more difficult than I ever imagined.
I'm a panic orientated person for all committments.
I never realized how committment phobic I've become.
I don't like putting anything in stone.
It freaks me out!!!!

I've had to start learning how to meditate before I pray.
My mind is so busy and full of static I could not clear it to pray anymore.
Every time I went to pray a million other thoughts would be swirling in there, work, the cute guy at church, chores, tv.
It was ridiculous, how can I connect with God and become calm and centered when I got 200 channels on at once in my head.
So, I bought some books and googled meditation and I taylored it to a more christian theme.
Now I focus on God and repeat an affirmation over and over why I focus on my breathing until I'm relaxed and focused.
Some days it can take 5-10 minutes before that happens.

I feel some days that the entire world lives inside my head and I can't turn it off.
I do feel better after I meditate and then pray.
I get a sense of calm and peace and even feel like one day God will answer me.
I don't ask for much, I mostly thank Him for putting up with me and my stubborn stupidity.
I am very stubborn and stupid and He is a patient Father.
I know I test my dad here on earth I can only imagine how Heavenly Father feels because he KNOWS EVERYTHING and my daddy here DOESN'T - lol :)

But I'am an imperfect soul and all I can do is work towards God's love and be humble, be honest, be kind, and of course, always silly!!!!

May you turn to God's love and it find you well.

Frozen Shoulder

i've been depressed, bored, and stuck in status quo land.
my shoulder which has been persistently getting worse since it pulled and burned at the end of april
has an official diagnosis of frozen shoulder.
i.e. torture via physical therapy and if that doesn't work, knock me out, stretch it out, more torture with physical therapy
and if it is still messed up, cut it open and cut the scar tissue up.
oh the joy, more surgery, and by the time this plays all out will be in a new year so there will be new max out of pockets.
so sick of being in pain and having the stupidest shit go wrong with my body.

i've been working so hard to get a handle on my type 2 diabetes but i keep just hitting these bumps.
at least the migraines are few and far between now.
they aren't gone completely, God Forbid, I get cured of anything.
i am losing some weight, not enough, but it is coming off.
i'm doing what the diabetes site recommends with carbs but i still think it is too many carbs.
my body seems to not be able to handle that many carbs at all.

it is moments like these i wish i'd treated myself better after my mother's death.
i got so depressed for so long i just lost myself to it.
i went so long without addressing my issues that by the time i got help i'd forgotten what it was like to be healthy.
now when i feel better it almost feels wrong like that's the broken me and the sick me is the normal me.
i've gotten so used to misery i don't know what it is like to live without it.

just to summon the interest to log in and blog has taken me months.
i don't want to tell the doctor and get more pills.
all my pills now are non-psychological which i'd like to keep that way.
but if i can't shake this depressive mood where all i do is sleep and stare into nothingness for hours...

all my little joys have evaporated and dispersed into the clouds now they rain down upon someone else's day.

an update that's long overdue

surgery went fine and i feel great.
it was a rough first 2 weeks after especially not being able to drive.
and if i pushed myself too far my body bitch slapped my right back.
the pain was tolerable, just like the worst period i'd ever had.
the doctor and nurses were amazed at how well i handled it all.
i was pretty surprised as well.
i didn't need the heavy drugs that much in the hospital.
i didn't touch the oxycodone she sent home with me.
i did you my tramadol and muscle relaxer some but not alot.
my shoulder got messed up from being on the couch so much and twisting to do the computer.

my dad helped a lot.
the kid did what she could.
i was walking the dog again by week 3.
but not for long walks.
she tugs and pulls way too much.
and i had to lie down as soon as we got back.
the dog caught on really quick that she had to stay off my stomach.

i am now back at work and life is back to normal minus my female cycle.
i do not miss it at all.
i have only had 2 migraines since.
one in the hospital cause they wouldn't let me take my medicine.
the doctor was called and said let her take her medicine.
i finally was allowed to take it but the migraine had started so they gave me pain pills.
i had another one the first month after when my period would have been due,
but it was mild and went away with the replax after an hour.

since then no more migraine (insert happy dance here)
i feel so much better.
i'm saving a fortune on female products.
i am sending out nearly $500 a month in medical payments.
but hopefully they will be paid off by the end of the year.
a few of the smaller ones are already paid off.
but surgery isn't cheap.

right now i'm stressed out between work and stuff in the house breaking.
garbage disposal, air conditioner needs a new coil, dish washer isn't draining
at work the company is struggling and i had to take a pay cut
and then i have all these medical bills that i am paying
so i have gotten depressed so i've been getting colds and allergies and sinus infections
i'm sleeping a lot and not doing well controlling my type 2 diabetes
which sucks
but i'm trying to pull out of it and do better
i just have to do better

Being Gutted Like a Fish

The surgery got approved at the end of March i get gutted like a fish.
No more periods.
No more pressure on myself.
It will be a relief not to have a uterus or cervix.
I am nervous.
It is a big surgery with a lot of stitches.
I hope it goes well and i heal quickly.
Right now I'm trying hard not to catch anything.

My allergies and sinus' are giving my grief.
It is hard for me to stay well anymore.
I'm depressed again and I don't know why.
I'm getting a tax return that will cover almost all the deductible and out of pocket expenses.
I can set up a payment plan on the rest.

My dad will be here the entire week of my surgery.
We can go to the hockey game since it is two days before.
It is all falling into place.
But I'm anxious.
Being cut on make me that way.
I think that's normal and healthy.
I hope.

My friend had an ovarian cyst removed.
Her surgery went well.
She is in pain but not too badly.
I'm just a horrible patient.
I know that, my kid and dad really know that.
I'm awful to be around when I'm in pain and sick.
Pain in the ass can't even cover it.

I go in 3/27 i will be outpatient - overnight observe.
I go monday to do the consent papers and get the post op scheduled.
The doc will also get all the drugs called in so i can pick them up.
I have the pre op on 3/19 at the hospital.
If i have a fever or chest congestion or something shows up on the chest x-ray they won't do the surgery.
Hopefully, it will all be clear.

My stomach has hurt all day.
I think i'm ovulating, it's like my uterus knows i'm getting rid of it
and it is protesting.
My period was awful as usual.
At least I can give any pads I have left to my friend.
I will get back the $4K in cost in pads within 2 1/2 years.
Yes, that's how many pads i go through!!!!
I know right, ridiculous!