Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

I can't help myself

well, i'm doing it to myself again. i let him back in. i invited him, opened the door and my legs and just took it hard, fast, slow, and over and over again. i can't say no to him. i sent him a facebook and told him i missed him and he missed me to. now he's back, but we are back to just friends that have sex sometimes. i don't want to call it friends with benefits. i don't want to label it. i don't want to have to explain it to anyone. i don't want to defend myself when it comes to him.

i was honest. i told him a part of me will always be in love with him. the weight loss made the sex even greater, which i didn't realize was possible. i tell ya he knows my buttons and he pushes them expertly. it was so hot between us. i don't know what to do. i can't put pressure on either one of us. i don't want to get married or have kids so what am i giving up just by fucking around with him. i know my heart will jump in eventually and make a mess of things, but right now i just love the way he makes me feel.

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

This kitchen Experiment Rocked Pancakes!

Took plain old generic pancake mix, added the following:
(did the 3 cups of dry mix size)
1/2 cup chopped up Granny Smith Apple
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 single serving of cinnamon applesauce
and 1 1/4 cups water

it made very thick, yummy, pancakes. it was like eating apple spice cake.
i cut the pancake into 4's and dipped it in my butter lite maple syrup.
it was FAB-U-LOUS!

My kid suggests replace apples with miniture snickers chopped up or candy bar of your choice!

i'm taking what i have left and wrapping them individually in foil and putting them in the freezer.
i am pretty sure i can take a whole month to eat them that way.

try it!!!

perfect for this rainy fall like day.
i walked my 3 miles before 10 am and tonight i will walk 2 more.
my foot has healed, thank you God!!!

i'm having a power surge today people, watch out!!!

Kitchen Experiment

the burns in my mouth are slowly healing, but they present an issue when trying to figure out what to eat. i can't have alot of foods, sticky, crunchy, hard, salty, citrus, tomatos, etc... so i saw this as an opportunity to try something new in the kitchen with whatever i had on hand.

i had ground chuck hamburger, spaghetti, cheddar cheese soup, ranch dip and country white gravy packets!!!

i mixed the hamburger with the ranch dip packet and a robust squeezy of creamy horshradish i found in the fridge and don't even remember why i bought it. i did check the date on it, it was still good. i made meatballs and baked them at 350 in the oven for 30 minutes. They ROCK!!!! try it!

i cooked the spaghetti.

then i mixed the cheddar cheese soup, 1/2 a can of skim milk, 3 tablespoons margerine, and a 1/2 tblsp. of garlic then i mixed the spaghetti in with it. it did not have enough flavor, very bland, i think next time i need to add more garlic and possibly oregano or something to it.

then i made the country white gravy with the water.

i combined all 3 together to make cheesy spaghetti with ranch meatballs and white gravy. i give it a 7 out of 10. the 3 flavors together reminded me of a casserole. so next time i might turn it into a casserole. it was kind of like those KFC chicken bowls with the gravy, taters, chicken and corn. different, but yums!!!

i followed 1 cup for the spaghetti, 1/4 cup for the gravy, and 2 meatballs per serving. I had one serving and 5 others are now in the fridge, so it makes six servings.

got some actual support work to do today then the morning is wide open, but hot hot weather again, so i think the Wii and I will work out again.
have a good one.

Mr. Sun I am so pissed off at u right now

my vitamin d is still way too low. so now i have to take 1,000 units a day plus the 50,000 units weekly. and if in 3 more months it isn't normal i have to have a bone scan to see if my bones have begun to thin. that scares the crap out of me. i have been sitting out in the sun a 1/2 hour every day in the early evening exposing as much skin as i can, i have been walking out in the sun every day with as much skin as possible exposed and it only went up 3 points from last time. I am NOT happy with Mr. Sun right now.

I hate fish. doc recommended i start eating fish like catfish, salmon, tuna with oil, my face said it all, doc was like i know u hate to eat fish. i hate to smell them, let alone eat them. they are disgusting!!!! I can't even take fish oil, it makes me sick, gives me a headache afterwards. Can you be allergic to fish?

i got another prescription to pick up and i have to find a vitamin d supplement with the 1,000 units in it! if pizza had vitamin D in it, i'd be set!

feeling good about the labor day weekend

work is going at a good clip now. getting loads done. my mouth and foot are recovering nicely from their blisters. i got blood drawn today to see if my vitamin D levels have increased. I should find that out by tomorrow afternoon. If not, i don't know what else i can do. I have been out in the sun without sunscreen to absorb vitamin d the best i can without burning. i haven't been this tanned (if u can call it that) since college. i hope it is better. i might have to start taking a daily multi-vitamin on top of the weekly vitamin d supplement. but that could be a good thing for me.

i weened myself off all medications. i go sept. 22nd to see how my chlosterol and tryglcerides are doing without the medication. i walk 2-4 miles through the weekdays and 5 miles on the weekend. i do the wii toning and strength training every thursday. i lost 2 pounds this past week. my new goal is 5 pounds over the next two weeks. i am getting all the last kinks out of my junk food cravings. when the kid heads off to school in 2 weeks the cable will be shut off and the junk food will go with her.

there's not much that tempts me, but i went to the grocery whilst pms'ing and got nutter butters, choc, chip cookies, and miniture snickers and milky ways. so far, she has eaten more then i have which is a good thing. i've been proud of my restraint. although, dipping a nutter butter into nutella is a slice of HEAVEN!!! try it!

i get to start my holiday weekend at 2pm tomorrow. i still have to keep an eye periodically on the system, but the weekend looks to be mostly work free. the kid goes to her paternal grandma's for one last visit prior to going off to hocking tech college. i drop her off 7pm tomorrow and pick her up around 5 on monday. so i'm alone!

i'm planning to go to the dog park, walk, wii, read, study scripture, and friday after i get off work i'm doing laundry and getting the house cleaning done so I don't have to do that crap during the weekend. when the kid isn't here the house stays clean. i know how to pick up after myself! the dog tends to drag out toys and she looks offended when i vacuum but i think she doesn't mind a clean house either.

i'm down to my last 12 pack of dt. soda pop. i've tried this challenge before and it was a HUGE failure! no more pop/coke/soda (etc..) this is the last 12 pack. not only will i save money (which will help with the kid at school) but my teeth with thank me. it'll be just water and skim milk. boring right, but it is what i need to do. i need to keep challenging myself. i've got the exercising going, the healthy eating is in full swing, i am working on my biggest flaws (per the people that I work with) and now i will control what i drink!!!

i'm going to go girl myself right now cuz i deserve it!!!