I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Deep Cuts with Shallow Weapons

it's amazing how silence can cut a heart in two.
how him not saying something can shatter you.
he masters the art of not being there.
yes, he says, go on without me,
like he's giving me some great gift to live without him.
the arrogance he has doesn't keep him warm at night,
but neither does he keep me warm at night.

it was more then i imagined in the beginning and less then i had hoped for in the end.
he's not anything to me anymore,
we began lovers, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to lovers and now there's nothing at all.
we aren't friends, it's like our small pond of emotions and passions got dried up in a drought of neglect.

i do miss him, but that's my fault.
nearly 6 months of this back and forth has me depressed and exhausted.
the worst part is no little baby to hold on to.
that's the disappointment, nothing to ever show how much i love him.
in weeks, he'll be a sometime afterthought, like a mirage in the desert of my loneliness.

his lack of words was his greatest weapon and it cut me so deeply i don't think i'll recover.

Parasites and Me

I didn't take the new job opportunity because of all my gastrointestinal issues i've been having since june. i break down and go to the doctor to get it checked out. doctor schedules several tests, takes my blood, asks for a stool sample, and a colonoscopy.

i get a call this morning from my counties infectious disease center, i have a highly contagious parasite, Giardia lamblia, i'm a host!

i probably got it from Sophie the puggle, who i was letting play and drink from the creek out back and the pond next door when we had that really really hot streak. bad idea, they are going to come out and test the water for it.

luckily i don't work at a daycare or handle food in my job so i can still work. but i had to call my doctor's office, my doctor is on vacation this week, and ask another doctor to call me in a prescription for a strong antibiotic.

i had to call the vet and they wanted a stool sample from sophie, a fresh one, so she finally pooped and i took that in and that test is $52 and we will take her to the vet on saturday to find out if she is indeed the source, and possibly a carrier of it. i wonder how much the exam and everything will cost me. but she's got to get rid of them too or i can get reinfected.

new rule, sophie and i don't share food anymore, she is getting her own little leftover bowl!!!

now my man is worried, more like my lover, is freaking out if he could have them. i told him it is passed through poop. and if you are not clean and wash your hands after the bathroom and handle foods and such. he should be fine. sex doesn't pass it unless you are into kinky stuff and we are not.

the only reason sophie gave it to me is she eats her poop sometimes and i feed her off of my spoon and fork then feed myself. which is gross, but i was doing it anyways. wow, it is great to have a diagnosis, but i'm freaking out over it!

i'm on the antibiotic for 7 days. and i got to wash my hands after every bathroom use. and i cleaned all the toilets.

cleanliness, cleanliness, cleanliness.

It's About the Choices

Our quality of life is all about the choices we make. I feel grateful and blessed to live in a country where you can fuck your life up as much as you want as long as you keep to yourself and don't take anyone else's life in the process.

It is amazing how certain words stick to you. They strike a chord within you and they linger in your subconscious at the oddest times. I remember sitting in church when the speaker, who i was ignoring, got my attention, when he said, "marriage vows say in sickness and health and for better or worse, for better or worse, who you marry changes your life either for the better or the worse, think about that!" i had never really thought about marriage that way, of course it's a choice to marry someone but do you really think about the better or worse part until the worse part comes?! i know i sure as hell didn't.

today as i contemplate a choice, i think back to those words, no i haven't been proposed to; this is more career related, but even jobs can make your life better or worse. i had one job stress me out to the point i had to be checked for ulcers. i was cracking under the pressure to be a perfect working machine, 24/7. i couldn't handle the stress. that job changed my life for the worse and the money, the perks, the benefits didn't make that stress and my sliding health any better, i got better when i got laid off, it was a relief.

this new opportunity has pro's and it has con's.
more money, pro
longer commute, con
work every day in the office, con
learn a new skill set, pro
stable company, pro
bonuses and benefits, pro
more pressure to perform, con

i'm torn... i have to look at this opportunity and for once decide yeah or nay, because usually i take a job because i have to, i've been laid off a lot the past 6 years and i want to be more proactive this time.

i have to keep asking myself will this job make my quality of life better or worse?

Catching Up

A breakup, a heat rash all over my belly, back, and ass, a pit bull attacks Sophie the Puggle... that was all in a week's time.

I've been recovery ever since.

My heat rash required staying out of the sun, there goes boosting my vitamin d, using benadryl, and trying not to itch.
benadryl, might as well be pot for me. it stones the hell out of me. i sit there and stare out to space drooling then eating, but i don't itch!

i'm still all broken out and i go to take sophie the puggle for walk and a neighbor's pitbull charges her and i pick sophie up to get them separated. the pit bull never bit, i think it was more about intimidation and submission, but poor sophie was freaked out. i got all scratched up on top of the heat rash. i hurt for days.

the owner apologized profusely. i did not call it in because the pit never bit, but i told him if one of the kids was walking sophie this would have been very bad. he said they'd more careful with her. their apartment door was open and they were going in and out when she saw sophie walking by and attacked. i kicked the pit to break it up, but it did not work. picking up sophie to break up the attack was the only thing i could think of, thankfully it worked!

work has been crazy, i will be in the office most of next week.

my kid started her job and is complaining, but reality is here. she can't stay in school forever, we can't afford it at all.

b. and i are talking. we are going to be friend's. my co-worker was messing with me on alot of stuff, just making crap up to get a rise out of me. he's like that. i don't like it when people play with other's emotions. i love b. and he loves me and it just got so messed up because other people messing with us. so we are talking and being friends and just caring about one another. he's not my boyfriend anymore, but he's still so much fun to be with.

it's funny how much time we spend planning our lives and then out of nowhere one little thing changes everything and all those plans are destroyed.

flexibility and adaptability are critical in this life!

Breaking Up Hurts

well, it is over!
and this one hurt, i cried, i still might cry.
and i'm so confused.
i don't understand why he broke it off.

we had moved passed the whole facebook of his ex-wife debacle.
we had moved passed my panic attack regarding him not communicating with me.
but my working with his best friend's brother is a deal breaker?

he says it's more drama and he's done with the drama.

life is drama!

it started out yesterday as a good day.
we were flirting.
it was good.
i go to lunch with the guys at work.
i'm talking about him like i have the past 4 months.
a co-worker goes which tire place does he work at,
i say the one near my house, he goes, so it's B.
and i said yeah, you know him.
and he said my brother and him are best buds.

so i text b. thinking my co-worker is pulling my leg
and my boyfriend goes to this...
wtf? are you stalking me and my friends now on line
just stop, etc....

i said no, i work with his brother.

do i get an apology, NO, i get, i guess i have trust issues.

so i say we both do and by the way,
does your best friend have video or pictures of me.

i know he shared some of them with his best friend and i was okay with that until i found out i work with his best friend's brother.

then my boyfriend wants to know everything i've said about him in the past 4 months to my co-worker, like i can remember?!?

my co-worker had texted his brother, what about i don't know, and his brother texted my boyfriend about it, and my boyfriend texted me and said it was too much drama and we were done.

yup, this is my life..

is this not the stupidest thing ever?