The Winter of Sickness

It's been awhile.

I got sick around my birthday.
I spent turning 40 with an ear and sinus infections and bronchitis.
A week later it got worse and I was diagnosed with walking pneumonia.
I spent December in a haze of codiene cough syrup, antibiotics, and nyquil!
I am still coughing but not as much.
It's day 9 of the new year and I've had two migraines already.
I don't have an immune system, it went on holiday and hasn't returned yet!

The worst part was having zero energy!
I didn't even work up enough to go down to my Dad's at Christmas.
I did go and get him for my birthday and he stayed for 3 days, but I was sick the whole time.

I fought through it and we went bowling and then the bookstore.
We are such geeks. My dad, daughter and I spent nearly 2 hours in the bookstore.
We all love to read. I bought several books for me and dad.
I got one more that I haven't started from that batch.

It'll have to wait until I finish C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity.
If you have not heard of his books on Christianity and you are a logical person;
I'd highly recommend it.
He is very logical in laying out Christian concepts.
I read these books very slowly and highlight a lot of things.
I find it enlightening, but I'm a huge GEEK!!!

My favorite Christmas present I bought after it was over and on sale.
One of those one cup coffee makers.
I don't drink coffee, so we've been making teas and cocoa's on it.
Me and kid love it.
We are experimenting with different flavors and bought new mugs with our initials on them.

This year's goals -
Be a blessing to everyone I know and meet!
Buy a home!
Be healthy in heart, soul and body!

I'm not ambitious at all this year!

I hope you all had a great holiday and new year!
Blessings to you all!

40 Draws Near

On November 28, 2012 I will turn 40 years old.

I don't see what the big fuss is about for woman and this age.
I'm divorced, broke, renting, but I thankfully have a job.
I am not concerned with aging.
I figure it is all part of the plan of things.
We all grow old.
We all die.
It is two things that make us so much alike.
I don't understand all this anti-aging stuff.

I feel some days like i'm a hundred years old.
Other days i feel like i'm 20.
I see the age spots showing up on my hands and cheeks.
I am beginning to see some wrinkles around my eyes.
If anything I just look too exhausted to be alive anymore.

The days are dragging again.
I feel so used and useless.
I am on anti-depressants again, but I have not felt better.
I think I'm going to have to try something else.
I hate being on pills.
I have tried to walk more but it is no longer helping either.

I'm on a down swing and I can't find a way to turn it around.

I am bi-polar and it sucks!

I have to accept that my moods are an ever changing spectrum of every color you can think of.

Today I am a stormy sky, tomorrow I think I'll be a perky pink.
I hope I'll be a perky pink!

I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Deep Cuts with Shallow Weapons

it's amazing how silence can cut a heart in two.
how him not saying something can shatter you.
he masters the art of not being there.
yes, he says, go on without me,
like he's giving me some great gift to live without him.
the arrogance he has doesn't keep him warm at night,
but neither does he keep me warm at night.

it was more then i imagined in the beginning and less then i had hoped for in the end.
he's not anything to me anymore,
we began lovers, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to lovers and now there's nothing at all.
we aren't friends, it's like our small pond of emotions and passions got dried up in a drought of neglect.

i do miss him, but that's my fault.
nearly 6 months of this back and forth has me depressed and exhausted.
the worst part is no little baby to hold on to.
that's the disappointment, nothing to ever show how much i love him.
in weeks, he'll be a sometime afterthought, like a mirage in the desert of my loneliness.

his lack of words was his greatest weapon and it cut me so deeply i don't think i'll recover.

Parasites and Me

I didn't take the new job opportunity because of all my gastrointestinal issues i've been having since june. i break down and go to the doctor to get it checked out. doctor schedules several tests, takes my blood, asks for a stool sample, and a colonoscopy.

i get a call this morning from my counties infectious disease center, i have a highly contagious parasite, Giardia lamblia, i'm a host!

i probably got it from Sophie the puggle, who i was letting play and drink from the creek out back and the pond next door when we had that really really hot streak. bad idea, they are going to come out and test the water for it.

luckily i don't work at a daycare or handle food in my job so i can still work. but i had to call my doctor's office, my doctor is on vacation this week, and ask another doctor to call me in a prescription for a strong antibiotic.

i had to call the vet and they wanted a stool sample from sophie, a fresh one, so she finally pooped and i took that in and that test is $52 and we will take her to the vet on saturday to find out if she is indeed the source, and possibly a carrier of it. i wonder how much the exam and everything will cost me. but she's got to get rid of them too or i can get reinfected.

new rule, sophie and i don't share food anymore, she is getting her own little leftover bowl!!!

now my man is worried, more like my lover, is freaking out if he could have them. i told him it is passed through poop. and if you are not clean and wash your hands after the bathroom and handle foods and such. he should be fine. sex doesn't pass it unless you are into kinky stuff and we are not.

the only reason sophie gave it to me is she eats her poop sometimes and i feed her off of my spoon and fork then feed myself. which is gross, but i was doing it anyways. wow, it is great to have a diagnosis, but i'm freaking out over it!

i'm on the antibiotic for 7 days. and i got to wash my hands after every bathroom use. and i cleaned all the toilets.

cleanliness, cleanliness, cleanliness.

It's About the Choices

Our quality of life is all about the choices we make. I feel grateful and blessed to live in a country where you can fuck your life up as much as you want as long as you keep to yourself and don't take anyone else's life in the process.

It is amazing how certain words stick to you. They strike a chord within you and they linger in your subconscious at the oddest times. I remember sitting in church when the speaker, who i was ignoring, got my attention, when he said, "marriage vows say in sickness and health and for better or worse, for better or worse, who you marry changes your life either for the better or the worse, think about that!" i had never really thought about marriage that way, of course it's a choice to marry someone but do you really think about the better or worse part until the worse part comes?! i know i sure as hell didn't.

today as i contemplate a choice, i think back to those words, no i haven't been proposed to; this is more career related, but even jobs can make your life better or worse. i had one job stress me out to the point i had to be checked for ulcers. i was cracking under the pressure to be a perfect working machine, 24/7. i couldn't handle the stress. that job changed my life for the worse and the money, the perks, the benefits didn't make that stress and my sliding health any better, i got better when i got laid off, it was a relief.

this new opportunity has pro's and it has con's.
more money, pro
longer commute, con
work every day in the office, con
learn a new skill set, pro
stable company, pro
bonuses and benefits, pro
more pressure to perform, con

i'm torn... i have to look at this opportunity and for once decide yeah or nay, because usually i take a job because i have to, i've been laid off a lot the past 6 years and i want to be more proactive this time.

i have to keep asking myself will this job make my quality of life better or worse?