I Give Up

I give up.
I'm getting fixed.
The decision has been made.
The tests have been done.

There is nothing keeping me from having another child physically.
The tests showed no tumors, cysts, fibroids, cancers, blockages, etc.
My uterus is tilted and prolapsed which could make it difficult to carry to term.
But I'm 41 despite every time I go to my OB-GYN she keeps thinking I'm only in my early 30's.
I'm flattered I look so young, but I've had to correct her 3 times now.
She keeps saying are you sure you want to do the hysterectomy you're what 32-33 and I go I'm 41.
And she's like I'm sorry I keep doing that with you don't I, and I'm like yes, and she goes, you look so young.
Which again, is flattering, but really, read the top of the chart, not just the cliff notes.

So my uterus and cervix will come out but I keep my ovaries and fallopian tubes.
This will fix all my issues.
My awful, painful, extensive, blood bath periods.
I go through jumbo pad which the last bag I went through was labeled a 3 month supply based on average use.
Well, my periods aren't average.

I have to take tramadol for the pain and muscle relaxers for the cramps.
I have to change pads every hour or I bleed through them and then my pants.
Plus, the doctor said removing the uterus will take care of the prolapse which could help the pressure issue I have during sex and the leaking issue I have.
She said it might not fix all of my leak issues but it could help quite a bit.

I have the insurance now.
I have the ability to work from home for the 4-6 week recovery period now.
I have the support with my friends and daughter in place now.
I don't know if I will have that 5-6 years which is when the 2nd option will wear off.

The 2nd choice was to have my tubes tied and get an uterine ablation.
The uterine ablation itself can cause bleeding, cramping, pain, organ damage, infections and weight gain.
I have type 2 diabetes I'm working very hard to lose weight.
Any options that cause weight gain the doctor and I pretty much eliminated.
Plus, if it wears off before I start menopause I could have periods again.
I have no idea from my family history what the average age of menopause is, most the woman in my family had hysterectomies after giving birth at some point and usually by my age at the latest.

I wish I had more children, but that wasn't meant to me.
I had a year to deal with that and come to terms with it.
This is the best for my health.
Maybe someday my kid will give me a grandchild, maybe not.
I feel blessed to have been a Mother to the one child I have.
I have to do what is right for me and this is what is good for my health.

Lost Its Shine

Christmas has lost its shine for me.
i have a tree. it is decorated. it has presents under it.
i went shopping. i spent money.
i opened doors for people. i smiled. i listened to christmas music.
i said merry christmas. i said happy holidays.
i asked people if they had plans. i called family to wish them joy.
i feel dead inside. i am void of all emotions.
christmas is death.

i was in the mall. i went to get away from this chattering little annoying man at work.
while i was eating my lunch a christmas song came on the loud speaker.
it was one of my mother's favorite christmas songs.
i suddenly had a wave of christmas memories of my mother come back to me and i cried in the middle of the mall food court.
i could not stop it or avoid it, i cried into my sandwich.

my mother loved loved loved christmas.
she was very poor growing up as a kid.
She was one of eight children; her dad was a drunk that seldom worked; grandma didn't work and they barely ate.
She married dad who did work and they could afford to celebrate christmas.
We didn't have a lot of money and I don't think it was really about the presents.
My mom loved the process and the excitement and the spirit of christmas.

She loved christmas, she would just glow at the holiday.
we'd have to go to church functions.
we'd do caroling and drive around to look at christmas lights.
the presents were wrapped and the tree was decorated with care.
we'd bake cookies and decorating them.

my mother went all out for christmas.
she made it really special for me and my brother's.
i still hang up the christmas stocking she made me by hand while she was pregnant with me.
she added my name right after i was born so it would be on there for my first christmas.
i wasn't even a month old on my first christmas.

Of course when we grew up and became teenagers we ruined it for her.
We became ungrateful and greedy and just a pain in her ass.
And then I redeemed myself and had her first grandchild and christmas was saved again.
She had 4 years with her grandbaby; 4 amazing christmas' filled with the wonderment and awe only a child can bring into the mix.
I miss those christmas years of the shine and the glow.

Yes, for me christmas has lost its shine.

Clear Road Ahead

I turn 41 on this thanksgiving day and i have so much to be thankful for this year.
I have a clear road ahead of me.
The MRA showed no sign of a brain aneurysm and that was a true relief.
The new medication seems to be helping with the migraines.
I am sleeping.
I feel rested.
I feel peaceful.

I had my family with me today.
The new great nephew is trying to talk and sit up.
Every time I laughed he would start to laugh.
Why does a baby cheer most people up so much?
Sophie the puggle wasn't so sure what to do with him.
She sniffed him, licked him, nudged him, gave him some odd looks and just walked off.
Although, anytime the baby drooled Sophie suddenly wanted to lick him.
I was a bad Aunt Shannon and gave him his first taste of chocolate frosting from my birthday cupcakes.
He LOVED chocolate, that is my BOY!!!
We tried vanilla ice cream, nope, he wanted more chocolate.
He has no interest in anything else.
He is such a good sweet baby.
He should be easy to potty train he hates having a wet diaper.

My dad seemed in good spirits.
He liked the house said it was a good fit for me and the kid.
He could never tolerate a home owner's association or having neighbor's this close,
but he knows that the kid and I are used to it after apartment living for so long.
My brother told me he bought my dad a kevlar vest for Christmas.
I told my brother being the smart ass i am,that you know when the zombie apocalypse happens they will want to eat his brain
to which my brother responded no problem i'm getting him a helmet, sheesh!!!!

I really do love my family!!!

MRI surprise

Migraines this year have been 4 a month.
medications have been an epic failure.
my life has been turned upside down and dimmed by them.
they begin with pain and stiffness in my neck.
so the doctor finally sent me in for an mri to check for that elusive brain tumor.
and we get a brain aneurysm so now i get to go and get an mra.

all my migraine symptoms except for the neck pain and stiffness match warning headaches.
so for 11 months i've had this time bomb in my head and didn't even know it.
i must be brave.
who am i kidding i've been blubbering like a giant baby.
i don't have time for this.
i can't afford this.
but alas, here it is ready or not.

my brother had a ruptured aneurysm when he was 23 and he is disabled to this day.
so there is even more concern with the family history.
my brother's was genetic so i shouldn't be too surprised.
one of my doctor's asked her when she was going all her health issues and i went with her to an appointment
how many children she had, she said three, and he asked if all were blonde and blue eyed.
mom said no, her middle son had dark hair and eyes like my dad.
he said that the two blonde kids would inherit all or most of the health issues since we inherited
the recessive genes from both sides.
and he has been so right.
my oldest brother and i are the two fair ones and we are sick all the time.
but my middle brother has had few health issues, he just finished a marathon.

i don't know where this is going but i can use all the prayers and well wishes i can get.

The Cold Snow at our New Home

the snow has come twice now since we've moved into our house.
the winds have been fierce.
we've had the trash can and some chairs blown around.
one night i thought the big bad wolf outside trying to blow the house down.
the entire house shook, literally, it woke up the dog, the kid, and me.
i thought it was a tornado and i know what those are like.
but we survived and the roof survived.

it is scary to own this home.
the garage door is acting up when it is cold it won't close.
i haven't built up my reserves again for issues like this.
so i'm worried something will break and i won't be able to fix it.
scary and so real, no more calling the maintenance man
now i'm maintenance, and i suck with screws and bolts and nuts.
i'm not even allowed to operate power tools.
that stems from childhood, my dad tried to teach me but after several painful and expensive mishaps,
i was regulated to holding things, point the flashlight there, hold this up, move this over...
and i'm not that good at that.
i just don't have good mechanical skills.

i'm more of a thinker then a doer.
i think about doing things all the time.
i have some really great ideas.
but nothing ever gets done unless it urgently needs to.
i do so much at work that when i get home i don't want to do anything.
even if i enjoy it, it is still effort, time, and work.
i'm hoping i'll develop the do it yourself spirit, but i'm not holding my breath.

the last time someone let me use a glue gun i ended up being banned from crafts class and
a lady got 2nd degree burns on her hands...

i'm a one woman walking talking hazard waiting to happen.

Here a Dog, There a Dog, Everywhere a Dog

a new neighborhood brings new people, new sights, new sounds, new smells and lots of new dogs.

sophie the puggle has made friends with lucy, a black and white border collie.
lucy makes a bee line right for us if she is being let outside.
they love to play together.
lucy even comes inside and helps herself to everything.
sophie just jumps all over her.

then there's lily, a golden retriever, she's a people dog, not a dog's dog.
she keeps trying to get to me to be petted, but sophie keeps wanting to play.
lily doesn't want puppy play time she's a person pet me kinda pup.
sweet as can be.

then there's bricks, a french mastiff puppy, he's HUGE and a puppy
sophie walked under him with no problems.
he's so well trained, but he couldn't resist playing with sophie
he was so excited; of course his owner was upset.
he has worked hard to train bricks to obey
and you know sophie, she just egged him on to play.

then there's maximus, a shih tzu puppy, the very opposite in size to bricks
looks like a little rabbit or furry ball walking around
at first he'd shake when sophie sniffed him but now he's a little bit bigger
and i really do me a little little bit bigger
he loves playing with sophie, for once sophie is the big dog here and i think she likes it

then there's gizmo, the chihuahua, he's big and tough, at least in his mind
he gives sophie the whole me man dog you woman dog show
he puffs out his chest, kicks up some dirt and sniffs her butt
sophie takes it all in stride

then there's bruiser, a boxer, he's so sweet
he and sophie played and then lied down and he began to lick her ears
which was addorable, bruiser gets so excited to see her
and she runs right to him

there are many more dogs in the neighborhood but these are the ones she's played with the most.
she never seems to lack for company.
sophie the puggle love her new home and all her new 4 legged neighbors.

Arthritis in the Knee

My kid is 22.
she is what has been called double jointed.
she can hyper extend her joints.
she always injures her left knee.
dance, cheerleading, walking, running
it never took much to get the knee to hurt
finally got an mri
she has a baker's cyst and the beginnings of arthritis in the left knee
at 22 she has what she calls an old persons disease
i had to laugh
she didn't think it was funny

my kid and i have become our very own gray gardens.
i can't picture her living anywhere else.
we've become so accustomed to each other's crazy we can't tolerate anyone else's.
i can hope she can find a man that can marry the both of us,
but she's so stubborn and so much a red head with the temper and all.
the story is there's someone for everyone, but i'm living proof that story is false.
i don't know where i went wrong or even if it is wrong.
my kid and i are each other's best friend and worst enemy.
sometimes we are like an old married couple.

i want her to be happy.
i want her to have a life full of joy.
but at the same time i will miss her and i don't ever want her to go.
she lives my fears as her own.
i have passed down the worst of me.
she somehow turns it into the best of her.
i've been blessed with her and though i regret not having more kids i never regret the one kid God gave me.
i don't know where other teenage mother's end up with their kids,
but my kid and i are in a good place.
we struggled, but who doesn't.
isn't the best life the one where you know the good times because you've lived the bad times?