What's buggin me?

bugs. I hate when they get inside and fly around. I killed one that landed in my cooking magazine by slamming the pages shut. After I scraped it's guts out the pages where covered in bug blood, so gross. I cleaned it as best as I could, but I ripped those 2 pages out and threw them away. No cheesy tomato beef bake or ham and cheese fold over sandwiches or beef pot pie with potato biscuit crust for me. I could write them down, but i lose handwritten recipes. I need them to be in a book or magazine or they just get misplaced.

And why is it when ever I have the fly swatter I never see a fly or any other bug. But the moment I cannot find the fly swatter or I am sitting all the way across the room from it I see a fly or bug??? Are the bugs that smart???

Bugs belong outside!!!! No exceptions!!!!

i am alone

i am alone. i am always alone. you could put a million people around me and i'd still be alone. i never get invited to anything. people are never excited to see me. no one calls me unless they've tried every one else they know first and they didn't pick up. no one asks me how i am. i am utterly and completely alone.
but people suck so it only bothers me when i feel left out, which is usually just on the weekends and holidays. otherwise, i like being alone.

I'm too old for zits and pimples!!!

I loathe getting acne. Getting acne over the age of 25 should just be biologically impossible. And my pimples and zits form in the most uncomfortable places. The edge at the bottom of my nose. The corner of my mouth. Or worse I can feel a pimple under my skin, but it won't come to a head, but it hurts. I keep putting hot water on it, hoping to draw it out, so I can pop the son of a bitch, but it continues to defy. I admit I don't get alot of acne, Thank GOD!!! But I'm almost 38, and the fact that every month about a week before my period I get some huge ass pimple somewhere on my face, neck or ears just pisses me off!!!

I also think that since I'm done having children I should just be able to tell my body to go into menopause. I shouldn't have to wait or have surgery. I should just be able to will myself into it. Life as a woman is so unfair. My brother said that it's wrong when something bleeds so much and doesn't die, of course, he was talking about his female dog, but it could apply to woman in general as well. He knew that too. That's why I got my dog fixed as soon as I could. Three females in one house PMSin' at the same time - NO WAY!!! One of us had to get fixed, I pointed to my kid, and she pointed to the dog. Plus, the dog wouldn't keep her little female pads on, she'd rip them off and up. Huge mess!!!

Now I'm off to mess with this pre-pimple. I got two this month. Aren't I blessed!

teeth

my teeth hurt. i think something is stuck in between the 2 front caps. thanks to my brother, won't be specific as to which one, who shot my 2 front teeth out at the tender age of 10 with a bb gun, i've been plagued with dental issues.

my teeth aren't at their best. the caps are 21 years old, i had them put on at 16. i don't eat anything hard, like popcorn, or pulley, like taffy. my teeth are hot and cold sensitive. i have trouble biting into things like apples. you'd think i'd lose weight, but no, pizza and macaroni and cheese don't take that much biting into.

i frequently have nightmares of all my teeth falling out. and i loathe the dentist. i've spent so many hours in the dentist chair. now i don't go but every couple of years. and the latest trip the dentist told me i needed nearly $2K of work done. i got borderline cavities. i got borderline gum disease. what i don't have is the almost $1K (my portion after insurance) to get the work done. i can only go to my six month check up's and get basic cleanings.

i hate the thought of losing my teeth. i hate the pain. i hate the bleeding when i brush my teeth. it sucks. and only proves how long childhood scars can last. my teeth will always be capped until they fall out. it's shaped my life in so many ways. i will always be scarred by it. but i forgave my brother a long time ago. i just have to hope my teeth last.

Back Pains

I have fibromyalgia syndrome (fms). I've been told by different doctors that it's
1 - an over active nerve condition
2 - a sleep disorder
3 - all in my head
4 - a neuron transmitter issue in the brain

I have gotten used to the constant throbs and aches that range from annoying to excruciatingly painful. I've gotten used to the fact that any physical activity I do results in huge pain. I've tried excercise, diet, medications, prayer and physical therapy. I've been to web sites, read books, consulted specialist, and heard opinions of the non medical people who think they know how to fix your ailments. And all that I know is that after 10 years of this crap I'm just tired of it all.

I've accepted that no one really knows what causes fms, how to treat fms, or if you ever get cured of fms. What works for one person won't work for another and what really gets frustrating is that approximately every 6-12 months what ever was working stops working and you are back to square one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new brain! The fms, bi-polar disorder, and borderline personality disorder are all connected to the brain and how it functions. Clearly, my brain does not function well. It's broken and needs replaced. Talk to anyone who knows me and they would agree and only be 1/2 kidding. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the healthy one, the thin one, the thoughtful one, the creative one, the tactful one, the happy one, the pretty one. I am simply the crazy obesely fat one!

I did come up with a few guidelines in my treatment protocols. I will be put on no medication unless it's been on the market long enough to have a generic. I learned this the hard way when bextra was working wonderfully for me and it got pulled off the market because it was causing deaths. I also will not let any doctor try to tell me fms doesn't exist. It does. I feel it and live with it every day. And the final guideline is get lots of rest, drink lots of fluids, and remember suicide is not a solution! (merely a temptation and coward's way out)

No one ever told me life would be easy or fun or interesting. My parents were wise to critize me, let me fall down, tell me the truth, and not coddle me in fear of hurting my feelings. Because of how I was raised, with love, sarcasm, and self-deprecating humor I am able to survive this one day at a time. I can even laugh sometimes. So it's not all bad, but right now the bad and the good are tied.

So I'm off to lie down, in hopes my arms will stop aching, my back will stop throbbing, and my dizziness and headache will pass. The ibprofen taken. The hot shower and icy hot is next. And I'll hope like a fool, that tomorrow will be a better less painful day.

The Hard to Serve

I get so frustrated when people complain and complain. You offer them suggestions to be helpful and they aren't even interested in trying. They just make excuse after excuse as to why they must keep suffering.

I read an artical once about the hard to serve that are on welfare, medicaid, and they are healthy but they say they can't work. But the truth is they don't want to work. Well, I have a news flash for them, NO ONE WANTS TO GET UP EVERY FRACKIN' DAY AND GO TO WORK!!!!

Then there are the hard to serve political people. They don't vote, but the complain about the government all the time. I agree with my Dad, if you don't exercise your right to vote, then you have no right to complain.

Then the sick ones. I hurt. I ache. I can't sleep. But they won't go to the doctor. If the over the counter stuff doesn't work - go to the doctor!!! Sure it might just be a cold, that's what Heath Ledger, Corey Haim, Jim Henson, and Brittany Murphy thought OR it could be bronchitis or walking pneumonia. If it is a cold the doctor can at least give you strong stuff to take care of the coughing and aches and pains. And if it knocks you our for a day, so what, take the damn day off and sleep off the sickness!!! Is that so hard???

O the humanity!!!

Random thoughts and quotes...

all hatred begins with a seed of fear.

do dogs really love us or just love that we feed them and pet them. And isn't that what all love is, attention, dedication, and simple pleasures. So if we loved our loved ones the way we love our dogs, would the world be a happier place?

ranch dressing mixed with sour cream put on pizza = FANTASTICALLY YUMMY!!!

pedicures are great, not only do i get a foot rub, snazzy toe nail polish, and my ingrown big toe dug out, but i get to sit for an hour and not think about a damn thing, that is priceless!!!

summer = sunburn :(

i always thought i'd be famous for something stupid, but i'm not worried, i still have time to fuck up and make national news headlines!

i think about food more then sex, but sex is a very close 2nd.