December Gray with Christmas Blues

This holiday season has snuck up on me. I find myself missing the holiday spirit and my brother. A year has passed since he died so very quickly. Dad is lonely without him. He has no one to complain and stump with about the current poltical climate. He is into the "alternate news". I just think there are more important and interesting things in this life to talk about then politics. It is all the same with politicals. All the fighting and finger pointing. It is always the other parties fault. No one ever accepts responsibility or takes accountability for their actions. And you can never get anyone to change their mind; they think they are always right, so what is the point; I find life blah right now. I feel redundant! I see this world full of light, gray, and darkness. The scale is always moving between the good and the evil, never in balance, never staying still, never at peace. Always at struggle, I am always struggling to keep ahead of my own demons. I am struggling to stay hopeful. I have started to take care of my health again, after neglecting it for all of 2020. I am on new diabetes medications, a new diabetes meter, working on eating healthy, and even going to the dentist for the first time in 6 years. I will have to take a day off for the dentist; having my teeth cleaned gives me a migraine. It will be a journey, my health, a day to day journey with no end. The thought overwhelms me, but I must try....

Pancreatic Cancer sucks!

My brother died one week before thanksgiving this year from pancreatic cancer. They found the spot on his pancreas one week after our cousin died in January and they gave him six to nine months, he lasted nearly 11 months. He was always stubborn, I am having such a hard time talking about him in past tense. I have a constant knot in my stomach, I can't eat, but I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. I miss him, I love him. I hate that he died at 52. Our Mom died at 48. Our Aunt, her sister, died at 47. It's all such a fucking tragedy, that so many in our family die so young. I worry about my Dad, he's had to bury both his parents, his wife, and now his son. It's nearly too much for a good man to bear. He looks so tired and weary. He's 76 now, he used to seem so young and invinsible to me. And now, I find myself wondering if his heart will just give out from the grief. I feel like my own heart is just going to collapse from the sadness sometimes. This year has been so very cruel to us all, hasn't it? Lock downs, quarentines, viruses, cancer, death, disease, divorces, it's bringing out the worst and the best of everyone. The world has made so much technical progress and made so little personal progression. My brother wasn't perfect, he had many flaws, but he was a fierce friend, loyal, passionate, and when he loved you, he loved you with his whole heart. But damn, when he got pissed off or angry, it was black and white, on or off, there was no middle ground with him. Dad could always calm him down, and he was always sorry afterwards and would just move on like it never happened. The doctor's said it was because of the aneurysm he had at 22, that should have killed him then. Only 1 out of 4 surive that, so he was a walking, talking miracle for 30 years. He leaves behind a legacy of love and hope, two children, and four grandchildren. And a hole in all our lives where we know he should be. God speed my brother --- I love you!

Life Goes On, and is bumpy!

Well the dissolution process has begun.
And it couldn't be more confusing.
All of it's electronic and i keep filing crap incorrectly.
and get that's wrong, sorry, should have been clearer.
So hopefully, sept. 12th brings a dissolution and then i'm back to single.
Not that i think it is anything to celebrate
i am going to stay single.

I am enjoying my down time.
I am seeing a chiropractor for my migraines.
I am more active in my church.
I am happy.

It's so nice to not just feel empty and depressed.
Everything still hurts and I'm still dying, but hey, it's not all bad.
We all take a step towards death every second of the day.
I am ready to sit back and just see what life brings.

Hope can bring happiness.

Friday and Ancient Aliens

I love Friday. I get a donut, a dr. pepper, and i watch Ancient Aliens all day while i work and then after work.
It's simple. It's lovely. It's my life these days.

I am still married. Why is it more expensive to divorce then to get married?
My marriage license was $50 and to file a dissolution is $250.
I feel like it never ends, the probate of my Husband's Mother's estate.
The dissolution hasn't even been filed yet.
And then i had to file bankruptcy to save the house.

I feel blessed I am able to stay in my house, eat, and be clothed.
I feel frustrated that i can't shake my depression, even with medication.
I hope once the probate and dissolution are completed i will feel lighter.
Right now i feel i have a mountain on my shoulders.

Well that was fast aka the honeymoon is over before it even began

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate liars!!!
I hate people who lie.
Especially after I have been really nice to them.

My husband's kids have a real problem with lying.
They do it habitually and think when they get caught they should not be punished.
After Thanksgiving, the 2 youngest kids decided to go live with their bio mom.
My hubs had a complete melt down.
There was a huge argument between him and the kids.
Both kids lied and said horrible things about me.

One of the kids said I slapped them.
I haven't slapped anyone since the 5th grade.
The other accused me of trashing the house.
I had tripped and broken a bowl earlier that day.
I have never had people tell such horrible awful lies about me before.
It really hurt my feelings.

My husband had to be hospitalized for his mental health breakdown.
The bio mom swooped in and took the kids and has had them ever since.
She has a restraining order against my husband.
He is all mopey and has reverted back to self destructive behavior.

We didn't even get to go on a honeymoon for crap's sake.

Now we are selling the house he inherited and everything in it.
But the bills on the house will swallow up 75% of the money.

I am just so over it.
I am over his pity party.
Ever since this happened he acts like he doesn't have to try anymore.
He doesn't go to therapy.
He barely takes his meds.
He lies to me repeatedly.

We have been married barely 6 months and I'm ready to get a divorce.
He's drinking again.
He acts like he's 18 instead of 37 but if I say anything to him about his immature behavior I'm the bad guy.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten married again.
I totally ignored my gut instincts, my promptings, and even total strangers warning me not to marry.
This sucks.

Ever After Has Begun

What craziness is this?
We got married at the end of September, over a month after his divorce was finalized.
Not much changes when you marry.
We have coitus now but everything else is pretty much the same.

I was thinking we wouldn't make it down the alter.
The day before we married we found out the man that was supposed to marry us had a invalid marriage license.
His name was wrong on it and it had the wrong church on it.
Who knew there was a Church of the Latter Day Dude!
DUDE!!!!

So we had to scramble and find another man in our church that was authorized to perform marriages.
I don't think he and I have ever prayed this much.
But the day of the wedding, 5 hours before the wedding, we found out we had someone to marry us.
We sealed the deal with a kiss that afternoon, took pictures, and ate food.

Note to self, there is no such thing as a small and simple wedding.
All Weddings are a pain in the butt.

Now we are settling down into the Ever After part, trying to figure out how to make all the pieces fit,
and being okay when something doesn't work.

It's a journey and it's one that will never be perfect, but we have each other and I hope that will be enough.

Why Do We Need a Savior?

I was asked to give this talk in my new church ward. Here it is.
Why do we need a Savior?
Good Morning Brothers and Sisters. I’ve been asked to give my perspective on the question “Why do we need a Savior?” this morning for my talk. I started by asking myself what is a savior. A savior is a person who saves something or someone from danger, or one who brings salvation.
President Henry B. Eyring said “Our Heavenly Father loves us. He sent His Only Begotten Son to be our Savior. He knew that in mortality we would be in grave danger, the worst of it from the temptations of a terrible adversary. That is one of the reasons why the Savior has provided priesthood keys so that those with ears to hear and faith to obey could go to places of safety.”

After Adam and Eve broke God’s commandment not to eat from the tree of knowledge and were forced from the garden of Eden and cut off from God’s presence forever we’ve been in danger. We inherited their exile.

President Ezra Taft Benson said “When our Heavenly Father placed Adam and Eve on this earth, He did so with the purpose in mind of teaching them how to regain His presence. Our Father promised a Savior to redeem them from their fallen condition.”

We are cut off from our Heavenly Father’s presence, but thankfully, He knew this was going to happen as he knows all things, and He had a plan, He gave us a Savior. Articles of Faith 1:3 – “We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.”
Elder Dalin Oaks said “The world needs a Savior. All people need to be cleansed from the effects of sin and to return to the presence of God.”
We are full of flaws, born of imperfections, and God knew this and he knew we would sin again and again. Heavenly Father knew we’d need to be clean to live with Him again, so He sent a Savior to sacrifice himself for our sins, for our mistakes. “For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive” (1 Corinthians 15:22).

I know the pain of my own mistakes. The hurt I feel when I make those mistakes and break God’s commandments is painful. I couldn’t imagine feeling what our Savior felt; all the pain, all the hurt, all the sins of every person that will ever exist all at the same time and doing so willingly to fulfill the plan of salvation, to be our Savior. “For it is expedient that an atonement should be made … , or else all mankind must unavoidably perish; yea, all are hardened; yea, all are fallen and are lost, and must perish except it be through the atonement … an infinite and eternal sacrifice” (Alma 34:9–10).

Jesus gave his life for all of us not only to do Heavenly Father’s will for the plan of salvation but I think to culminate his teachings around universal love, tolerance, forgiveness, and pacifism. We need Jesus as our Savior so we can be saved and return to live with Heavenly Father. 1 Nephi 13:1 – “…that the Lamb of God is the Son of the Eternal Father, and the Savior of the world; and that all men must come unto him, or they cannot be saved.”
Elder David A. Bednar said “The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us.”

He willingly and passively gave up His life without resisting or fighting His killers. He told the truth and exposed corruption and evil, but did not resist or fight it physically, as He had advised many times in his teachings. “But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

Jesus lived His entire life by example, including His death. His very death is His final lesson on achieving salvation through sacrifice. Jesus purpose as our Savior was to bind up the brokenhearted, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27; to intercede for us with God so we could return to our Heavenly Father, John 14:6 “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.”; and He is to give rest to our weary souls. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” Matthew 11:29

C.S. Lewis said “He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less.”

Our individual salvation is not something that is a one-time deal; like boom you’re saved and DONE! Our individual salvation is and will be an ongoing process until we die because we will continue to fall and sin until we die. This is why there is the process of repentance. "You may in time of trouble think that you are not worth saving because you have made mistakes, big or little, and you think you are now lost. That is never true! Only repentance can heal what hurts. But repentance can heal what hurts, no matter what it is." - President Boyd K. Packer
Even President Henry Eyring said “Death is not the end; it is but one more step in a great forward march made possible by the redemption wrought by the Savior. This is the spirit of true science - constant and eternal seeking.”

Salvation doesn’t have to be some huge moment, it is a journey. Most of us will move towards it slowly, day by day, moment by moment. Elder Randall K. Bennett said “We fail only if we fail to take another faithful step forward.” We need to learn to listen to our hearts instead of our egos, to choose love over hate, or when we sacrifice instead of take, or when we our selfless instead of consumed by our own desires, when we choose the right without hesitating that is when our on-going journey towards Salvation takes a step forward. The more we focus on doing what is good and right the easier it will become to do good and make right. “For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.... But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6, 8)

Also President Boyd K. Packer stated, “The mercy and grace of Jesus Christ are not limited to those who commit sins either of commission or omission, but they encompass the promise of everlasting peace to all who will accept and follow Him and His teachings. His mercy is the mighty healer, even to the wounded innocent.”
My last Sunday with the 2nd Pickerington Ward I was asked to sub in the primary for one of the 6 year old classes and the kids were learning a song for the Easter sacrament meeting. I was truly moved by the Spirit as they sung Gethsemane, Jesus Loves me. They sung with such a solemn reverence that only such little honest innocent hearts can do. This song simply puts so many reasons as to why Jesus was our Savior and why we so desperately needed him.

Song

Jesus climbed the hill to the garden still.
His steps were heavy and slow.
Love and a prayer took Him there
To the place only He could go.

Gethsemane. Jesus loves me.
So He went willingly, to Gethsemane.

He felt all that was sad, wicked, or bad
All the pain we would ever know.
While His friends were asleep He fought to keep
His promise made long ago.

The hardest thing that ever was done
The greatest pain that ever was known
The biggest battle that ever was won
This was done by Jesus, the Fight was won by Jesus.

Gethsemane, Jesus loves me.
So He gave His gift to me, in Gethsemane .

I’d like to close with my testimony, I know this church is true, studying for this talk, searching the scriptures, the doctrine, and the ensign; I was enriched by the word of God and it brought me comfort and peace. I know the scriptures are true. I know Jesus is our Savior.
I leave this with you humbly in the name of God’s son and our savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.