i knew this would happen

my plans are being foiled for my trip to indy
and it just sucks.

i wanted to rent a car. the location i wanted has been closed.
since my visa is a debit visa, they wanted to place a $300 hold on it!!!
i said no, i'll just drive my car.

so i got to squeeze in an oil change tonight and get the headlight replaced.
plus, go pay off the new couch, which i've been so excited about.
i hope they can deliver it on monday. dual reclining with a center console!

i ordered dominoe's for lunch at 2pm after i get poked and prodded at the ob/gyn. i figured the appt. would seem more bareable if i was coming home to fresh italian sandwiches and hot wings for gab. got a coupon, so it wasn't too bad. cuz the pizza from dominoes still sucks, even after they made all those so called improvements.

i loathe my yearly pap smear. if guys hate a prostate check, they have no concept on what it is live to get a pap smear. here's hoping all my pieces and parts are where they are supposed to be and healthy.

wish me luck!

Reality Check

We are just friends with those yummy benefits.
That is all we will ever be.
You think I'm passive, I'm just different with you, because I wanted you to like me, so I toned it down.
But I do that when I really want a man to want me.
If I have him wrapped around my finger I'm a dominant bitch, but some men like that, unfortunately, that bores the shit out of me.

So, while I get to enjoy the benefits, I need to look for a man locally, to actually have a long term relationship with. I ain't getting any younger. And I am not going to change. I need attention!
I like having someone ask me how my day went and listening to me or pretending to listen to me.

Like I pretend to listen to him now, even though I could care less about the video game or listen to the same story for the 4th time.
My memory is bad, but usually if you tell me a store 2 or so times, it starts to stick. I hate saying I've heard this before, but really I have.

And sometimes he just doesn't let me talk at all. And when I start to say something he just keeps going. And even worse, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying, so I end up blurting out the most outrageous thing I can think of just to get him to stop talking and go what was that.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, I think he's smart, funny, but he's really starting to bore me.

This happens to me with every guy I ever like. I get to know them and then they aren't that interesting. It's not so bad with him, but I'm a realist at my core and no matter how many pretty pictures I try to paint in my mind about loving him and living with him, they all end badly. I just am not made for a long term relationship, and I want one so badly, like a kid who wants a panther for christmas.

I can blame being bi-polar or blame the borderline personality disorder, but I think I'm just a lazy person and trying to build a relationship with someone, even a friendship, is just too exhausting. He thinks I'm agressive in the bedroom, and I am, because, frankly, when we are fucking, he's not talking and neither am I and it's a nice break!

I miss the weekend.

I had a wonderful, packed full of activity weekend.
I was exhausted but content.
I had company.
Genuine conversation with another adult.
The giggles of a a little girl.
The excited chatter was music to my ears.

I miss it.
My life has become inactive.
I'm trying to get Gab to move foreward, but how can I?
I myself am frozen to this comfortable spot.
I feel no pain, no joy, and no sorrow.
I have let myself become complacent.
Fear keeps me in place.
I am so scared to hurt that I stopped living.

I want to start living.
I am going to start living!

what a miserable week

i had a great weekend. but it's been all down hill since tuesday.
i'm sick.
i'm screwing up at work.
i can't think straight.
i'm coughing up my lungs full of snot.
my chest hurts.
and he and his girlfriend are still together.
i want him to be happy, i'd just wish it was with them.
but shit happens and i just got to roll with the punches.
i'm really starting to not give a fuck anymore.

good mood

i am in a good mood. it's gloomy outside, but inside i feel all warm and fuzzy.
i have an old high school friend, who i reconnected with on facebook, and is becoming a good friend, coming down for the weekend.
i'm so excited.

i really like him. i like talking to him. i like hearing him talk.
i can't wait until we can sit down face to face and just talk about
anything and everything.

it is so rare for me to click with someone.
i usually am so odd that people just don't get me and
they give up trying to, but he seems to just roll with it
and i think he's got most of me figured out.

it is so refreshing to talk to someone about everything,
and i'm not afraid of offending him or scaring him.
he doesn't make me feel stupid or inferior.
he's not condescending.

this is good. we like the same movies.
and we can agree to disagree on stuff.
i know some people if you don't agree with them on something,
they get all pouty and won't talk to you.
it's so childish.
i am really looking forward to this weekend.
can't wait for it to be saturday night.

here's to friends, old or new, it's always good to hear from you.

foolish thoughts

i am having silly thoughts and dreams about falling in love again.
i'm sure i'll screw something up, it's not like i can ever get it right.
but i just like the idea of happily ever after.
the end to lonely nights in a bed with a dog that can annoy sometimes.

ugh, last night i opened the window since it's so cool, and she spent the night barking suddenly at any little noise. i was not please with sophie at all.
she's all happy go lucky this morning and the bags under my eyes are larger then usual. tonight, the window stays shut, and i don't care if i have to turn the air on to get thru the night, when it's 40 degrees outside. i can't take another sleepless night. i seldom sleep thru the night as it is. having to tell the dog to shut up, stop, be quiet off and on for the whole night sucks.

she is an excellent warning system, but considering i don't need to be alerted to the night crickets, it's annoying.

i'm taking a nap tonight or going to be early!!!

ugh, i tripped last night

this sucks, i tripped over a shoe the dog had dragged out to the middle of the entry way by the stairs. now on top of my scabbed knee, my ankle and foot are all messed up. i caught myself against the front door, but it was close. i almost went thru the front window we have. that would have been messy.

i go to the doctor on the 9th and i got to ask her why i keep tripping, falling, and have no sense of balance. my right ear bothers me sometimes, it rings and i feel like it's being pushed on from inside my skull, loads of pressure and the dizziness comes and goes. i don't throw up or feel like i'm going to throw. i just get really panicked and i try to stay still until it passes. luckily "the dizzy spells" only last a few minutes, but they are getting more frequent and severe.

maybe it's my sinus' or an ear infection. something easy to fix. that would be lovely if i could actually just for once have something easy to fix.