40 Draws Near

On November 28, 2012 I will turn 40 years old.

I don't see what the big fuss is about for woman and this age.
I'm divorced, broke, renting, but I thankfully have a job.
I am not concerned with aging.
I figure it is all part of the plan of things.
We all grow old.
We all die.
It is two things that make us so much alike.
I don't understand all this anti-aging stuff.

I feel some days like i'm a hundred years old.
Other days i feel like i'm 20.
I see the age spots showing up on my hands and cheeks.
I am beginning to see some wrinkles around my eyes.
If anything I just look too exhausted to be alive anymore.

The days are dragging again.
I feel so used and useless.
I am on anti-depressants again, but I have not felt better.
I think I'm going to have to try something else.
I hate being on pills.
I have tried to walk more but it is no longer helping either.

I'm on a down swing and I can't find a way to turn it around.

I am bi-polar and it sucks!

I have to accept that my moods are an ever changing spectrum of every color you can think of.

Today I am a stormy sky, tomorrow I think I'll be a perky pink.
I hope I'll be a perky pink!

I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!

Deep Cuts with Shallow Weapons

it's amazing how silence can cut a heart in two.
how him not saying something can shatter you.
he masters the art of not being there.
yes, he says, go on without me,
like he's giving me some great gift to live without him.
the arrogance he has doesn't keep him warm at night,
but neither does he keep me warm at night.

it was more then i imagined in the beginning and less then i had hoped for in the end.
he's not anything to me anymore,
we began lovers, then boyfriend and girlfriend, then back to lovers and now there's nothing at all.
we aren't friends, it's like our small pond of emotions and passions got dried up in a drought of neglect.

i do miss him, but that's my fault.
nearly 6 months of this back and forth has me depressed and exhausted.
the worst part is no little baby to hold on to.
that's the disappointment, nothing to ever show how much i love him.
in weeks, he'll be a sometime afterthought, like a mirage in the desert of my loneliness.

his lack of words was his greatest weapon and it cut me so deeply i don't think i'll recover.

Parasites and Me

I didn't take the new job opportunity because of all my gastrointestinal issues i've been having since june. i break down and go to the doctor to get it checked out. doctor schedules several tests, takes my blood, asks for a stool sample, and a colonoscopy.

i get a call this morning from my counties infectious disease center, i have a highly contagious parasite, Giardia lamblia, i'm a host!

i probably got it from Sophie the puggle, who i was letting play and drink from the creek out back and the pond next door when we had that really really hot streak. bad idea, they are going to come out and test the water for it.

luckily i don't work at a daycare or handle food in my job so i can still work. but i had to call my doctor's office, my doctor is on vacation this week, and ask another doctor to call me in a prescription for a strong antibiotic.

i had to call the vet and they wanted a stool sample from sophie, a fresh one, so she finally pooped and i took that in and that test is $52 and we will take her to the vet on saturday to find out if she is indeed the source, and possibly a carrier of it. i wonder how much the exam and everything will cost me. but she's got to get rid of them too or i can get reinfected.

new rule, sophie and i don't share food anymore, she is getting her own little leftover bowl!!!

now my man is worried, more like my lover, is freaking out if he could have them. i told him it is passed through poop. and if you are not clean and wash your hands after the bathroom and handle foods and such. he should be fine. sex doesn't pass it unless you are into kinky stuff and we are not.

the only reason sophie gave it to me is she eats her poop sometimes and i feed her off of my spoon and fork then feed myself. which is gross, but i was doing it anyways. wow, it is great to have a diagnosis, but i'm freaking out over it!

i'm on the antibiotic for 7 days. and i got to wash my hands after every bathroom use. and i cleaned all the toilets.

cleanliness, cleanliness, cleanliness.

It's About the Choices

Our quality of life is all about the choices we make. I feel grateful and blessed to live in a country where you can fuck your life up as much as you want as long as you keep to yourself and don't take anyone else's life in the process.

It is amazing how certain words stick to you. They strike a chord within you and they linger in your subconscious at the oddest times. I remember sitting in church when the speaker, who i was ignoring, got my attention, when he said, "marriage vows say in sickness and health and for better or worse, for better or worse, who you marry changes your life either for the better or the worse, think about that!" i had never really thought about marriage that way, of course it's a choice to marry someone but do you really think about the better or worse part until the worse part comes?! i know i sure as hell didn't.

today as i contemplate a choice, i think back to those words, no i haven't been proposed to; this is more career related, but even jobs can make your life better or worse. i had one job stress me out to the point i had to be checked for ulcers. i was cracking under the pressure to be a perfect working machine, 24/7. i couldn't handle the stress. that job changed my life for the worse and the money, the perks, the benefits didn't make that stress and my sliding health any better, i got better when i got laid off, it was a relief.

this new opportunity has pro's and it has con's.
more money, pro
longer commute, con
work every day in the office, con
learn a new skill set, pro
stable company, pro
bonuses and benefits, pro
more pressure to perform, con

i'm torn... i have to look at this opportunity and for once decide yeah or nay, because usually i take a job because i have to, i've been laid off a lot the past 6 years and i want to be more proactive this time.

i have to keep asking myself will this job make my quality of life better or worse?

Catching Up

A breakup, a heat rash all over my belly, back, and ass, a pit bull attacks Sophie the Puggle... that was all in a week's time.

I've been recovery ever since.

My heat rash required staying out of the sun, there goes boosting my vitamin d, using benadryl, and trying not to itch.
benadryl, might as well be pot for me. it stones the hell out of me. i sit there and stare out to space drooling then eating, but i don't itch!

i'm still all broken out and i go to take sophie the puggle for walk and a neighbor's pitbull charges her and i pick sophie up to get them separated. the pit bull never bit, i think it was more about intimidation and submission, but poor sophie was freaked out. i got all scratched up on top of the heat rash. i hurt for days.

the owner apologized profusely. i did not call it in because the pit never bit, but i told him if one of the kids was walking sophie this would have been very bad. he said they'd more careful with her. their apartment door was open and they were going in and out when she saw sophie walking by and attacked. i kicked the pit to break it up, but it did not work. picking up sophie to break up the attack was the only thing i could think of, thankfully it worked!

work has been crazy, i will be in the office most of next week.

my kid started her job and is complaining, but reality is here. she can't stay in school forever, we can't afford it at all.

b. and i are talking. we are going to be friend's. my co-worker was messing with me on alot of stuff, just making crap up to get a rise out of me. he's like that. i don't like it when people play with other's emotions. i love b. and he loves me and it just got so messed up because other people messing with us. so we are talking and being friends and just caring about one another. he's not my boyfriend anymore, but he's still so much fun to be with.

it's funny how much time we spend planning our lives and then out of nowhere one little thing changes everything and all those plans are destroyed.

flexibility and adaptability are critical in this life!

Breaking Up Hurts

well, it is over!
and this one hurt, i cried, i still might cry.
and i'm so confused.
i don't understand why he broke it off.

we had moved passed the whole facebook of his ex-wife debacle.
we had moved passed my panic attack regarding him not communicating with me.
but my working with his best friend's brother is a deal breaker?

he says it's more drama and he's done with the drama.

life is drama!

it started out yesterday as a good day.
we were flirting.
it was good.
i go to lunch with the guys at work.
i'm talking about him like i have the past 4 months.
a co-worker goes which tire place does he work at,
i say the one near my house, he goes, so it's B.
and i said yeah, you know him.
and he said my brother and him are best buds.

so i text b. thinking my co-worker is pulling my leg
and my boyfriend goes to this...
wtf? are you stalking me and my friends now on line
just stop, etc....

i said no, i work with his brother.

do i get an apology, NO, i get, i guess i have trust issues.

so i say we both do and by the way,
does your best friend have video or pictures of me.

i know he shared some of them with his best friend and i was okay with that until i found out i work with his best friend's brother.

then my boyfriend wants to know everything i've said about him in the past 4 months to my co-worker, like i can remember?!?

my co-worker had texted his brother, what about i don't know, and his brother texted my boyfriend about it, and my boyfriend texted me and said it was too much drama and we were done.

yup, this is my life..

is this not the stupidest thing ever?

Fireworks but not the good kind

Wow, do i know how to make myself single.
my man is pissed at me.
i did go off on him, but he deserved it.
he's been ignoring me.

you know lots of things die from neglect, people, pets, plants, and relationships!
i texted him how i was feeling neglected and gave him a week to tell me what was going on with him or i just had to move on.
he does not like ultimatums at all.

he called my texts a manifesto, i'm not a unibomber.
the last 3 weeks he has stopped seeing me, stopped texting me and stopped calling me, in my experience that means you are dumped.
but in his world it just means he's too busy to bother.
then he tried to blame me for being pushy.
i was pushing to meet his boys -- FALSE!

he told me he wanted me to meet his boys before they started back to school so it didn't stress them too much.

i've never asked to meet the boys.
i've been pushing to see him so we can make a baby.
he says i'm pushing for something permanent.
hello, isn't having a baby permanent?!

then his ex-wife called having a melt down that she got a friend request from me on facebook, like that's the end of the world, he went off about that.
why does her facebook say she's still married and she lives with him?
is he even divorced and if he told her about me like he told me he did, why is she freaking out???

i think it's over.
i can't take this drama and he can't either.
i see him friday and i think we are slamming the brakes.
my biggest regret is i'm not pregnant.
and i will really miss the sex.
but my needs are too great.
he used to love that i wanted him all the time, but now it's being pushy!


AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Powerless in Ohio

a little after 5pm yesterday the power went out and did not come back until 7:30 this morning. I learned multiple things from this power outage -

1 - sleeping with windows open causes Sophie the Puggle to bark, growl, jump and be a pain in my ass over every little thing, it's 2am people go to BED!!!

2 - my now adult daughter is a big baby, she whines, whimpers, fusses, and cries. i thought i was going to have to change her underwear when it looked like we were going to get a tornado

3 - my boyfriend is an inattentive jackass, i texted him a simple question regarding if the hot water heater was electric to know if i could take a shower since i was sticky and sweaty from walking 2 miles and he still hasn't replied

4 - i am my own best friend, i walked 2 miles, read my natural light, and entertained myself quite well

our flashlights flash pink and purple and we did some groovy rave dancing with them.
i'm so tired from not having power i'm going to nap frequently today and do absolutely nothing!

Summer Heat and Money Blues

the heat is getting to everyone.
people are snapping, cranky, and just unpleasant to be around.
i haven't seen my man in over a week.
he's working 70 hour weeks.
since he's not introduced me to his kids i can't see him when he's home with them.
i just miss him and that makes me cranky.
he says tomorrow definitely.
i just hate not being with him more.
i come in third with this one, kids, work and then me.
he says we will spend more time together once i'm pregnant.
that puts a lot of pressure on me to get pregnant.
i'm focusing my excess time into weight loss.
i'm hoping getting my bmi below 30 will help trigger ovulation.
he wants it to happen naturally, no fertility pills to help.
i'm hoping if after 6 months of trying he will change his mind.
we will have to see.
we've only been together 3 months now, so there's even more time ahead of us.

there never seems to be enough lately.
there's not enough money to pay all the bills.
i quit eating out to save money.
of course, the grocery bill went up.
now after nearly two weeks 95% of the food i bought is gone and we still have 2 days until i get paid and can go to the grocery store.

the kid doesn't begin her job until the 2nd week of july.
all she does is sit on her ass, watch tv, play on her laptop and eat.
i think that is the reason why 2 weeks worth of food barely lasted a week and two days.
i have to nag her to do anything else around her.
and nag her i do.

it's been too hot to walk even at 9pm at night.
it is the humidity that bothers me the most.
i hate feeling sticky.
and the next week it is going to very hot and sticky.
so i began my new work out routine, the wii.
an 1/2 hour in the morning and then in the evening.
maybe the kid will join me and she'll get off the couch!

my baby cousin turned 5.
everyone was telling her to make a wish.
she looked at me and asked what a wish was.
i told her it is something you want but don't have.
i told her to wish cousin shannon had a million bucks.
every one laughed.
i told her if she wanted something, like a new doll, or to spend all day in the pool, or to go see grandma, just make a wish, say i wish i had a new doll.
wishes are lucky on birthdays and shooting stars.
i don't think she quite got it, but i tried.
i miss having a little one to explain all those things too.

The Common Cold

i have a cold, so very common of me, i know.
i feel like my body is being attacked.
my little immune system tries to defend, but i'm not yet on the mend.
i feel detached and sedated, but i'm not medicated.
i worry if i don't eat that i'll waste away.

i have a sore throat.
i have a nasty cough.
i have aches and pains.
i have a stuffy nose.
no headache, that's new.
no fever too.

just a laundry list of hacking and achoo's.
this cold has made me blue.
i don't know what to do.
orange juice is my new best friend.
i'd really love a popsicle too.
i sit in silence zoned out in illness' space.
a look of abandonment rest upon my face.
i wish i could sleep more then an hour or two.

i have no idea why i'm trying to make all of this rhyme.
i don't even have two dimes.
all i want to do is sleep and dream of fine dining,
but all i can stomach is toast and frozen pineapple.
this cause is lost!
i am being held hostage by the common cold and i want my freedom!!!

Neighbors and Drinking

Wow, sat around with some neighbors last night and they were drinking.
I kept telling them I'm NOT drinking because I'm trying to get pregnant.
The guys kept saying on purpose, why!
One of the neighbor woman wants one and she is like i know why.
they are cute, sweet, and adorable!

my friend and neighbor got totally trashed on about 3 glasses of wine.
another neighbor had to fireman then potato sack carry her home.
she texted me like an hour and half later saying she was puking.
this morning she still feels awful and she's NEVER drinking again.
I'll believe that when I see it.
I've said the same thing myself many times.

it's is interesting to be not drinking surrounded by drunk people.
i found it quite entertaining.
glasses got broken, men were hitting each other, woman were crying.
some of the guys almost cried.
inner secrets were being spilled.
it was all very dramatic.
and i remember and they probably don't.

interesting indeed :)

In Sickness and Health

the baby making had a wee bit of a set back, he's sick.
his boys got a tummy virus and he caught it.
my poor man and his poor boys.
it's already hotter then hell outside and to be puking on top of that, no fun!
but i don't care if he's sick or healthy, he's all mine!

went to my nieces high school graduation on friday.
the same gym i graduated from 21 years ago, still no air conditioning.
i saw some people i hadn't seen since then.
suggested they raise money to add air conditioning to the gym before their next kid graduates.
unless the school thinks melting is a part of the ambiance of the ceremony.
which is possible, like a rite of passage for every graduating class to try and not get heat stroke.
warped way to think of it but it's a little town, it could be possible.
traditions are important where i come from!

this holiday weekend is all about keeping inside and keeping cool.
the kid's asthma is triggered on these hot days.
and my allergies are off the charts.
so we are both miserable.
i am purchasing a swimsuit online since my size requirements differ so.
i'm getting a 2 size larger top then bottom.
but i will be going to the pool this year.

i think i've gained 3 more pounds.
first i lost 4 pounds.
i can't stop eating ice cream.
it is the only thing that sounds good in this heat.
i think i'll cut up some strawberries today and eat them in the ice cream.
that's healthier right?

Summer Days Are Here

you can feel the hot breath of summer breathing upon your neck.
the temps are up.
the storms are frequent.
and the humidity is frizzing my hair!
this year i will brave the public swimming pool.
i haven't gone swimming at a public pool in over 8 years.
i'm a size 14!
i got some cute swim shorts and i've been searching for a top to keep the boobs in.
that is not an easy task, i'm still a 40DDD.

i might have to order online for it.
it'll be more expensive but hopefully it'll keep me from popping out.
the pools open this weekend.
i'm excited.
i think we will go saturday and sunday.
i'm on vacation right now so sitting by the pool sounds good to me.
i'll call saturday and get their hours.
i'll see if i can bring a cooler with water and snacks.
maybe i can get my friend and her daughter to go with us.

brent and i are trying for a baby again this month.
he's so busy.
i told him we have to be together every 2-3 days.
we were together yesterday.
it had been 12 days since we had sex.
it was amazing as always.
now we have to be together saturday then monday or tuesday.
and he wants it to be natural.
he wants no ovulation prediction kits, no fertility drugs, all natural.

i read on line that a bmi 30 and under is good for fertility.
i'm 16 pounds away from reaching that.
so i'm amping up my weight loss efforts.
i'm eating healthier and walking more.
of course, i have to wait until 8pm to walk cuz it is so hot,
but this is worth it!
a baby, with a man that actually loves me and wants me to have his child.
yes, this is different!

i love summer!

Blessed

i feel so blessed these past two months because he came into my life.
i never thought i could love so deeply and completely.
he loves me and respects me and trusts me.
it is so satisfying to be giving my love to a man that appreciates me.
all my past hardships and heartache are a lesson learned so i can love him better.

he is amazing.
he is full of energy.
he is full of life.
he is my happy thought.

i know it's silly and girlish to giggle when i think about him,
but i feel high on this love we have.
i'm blessed to have him.
i'm blessed to love him.
i'm blessed to be in his life.

i remember what it was like before him, i was sad.
i was lonely.
i was depressed.
i was being used.
i was letting myself be used.

now i'm in a good relationship.
we are balanced with each other.
i can't wait to meet his boys.
i can't wait to have his baby.
life is so good right now!

of course, i wonder if he's too good to be true.
he wonders the exact same thing about me.
i'm trying to forget about fear and doubt,
i opened my heart to him and we are right together.
my puzzle is completed.
my love is being returned.

the other day i helped him sort receipts at his work.
i helped him and took a small task so he could do other things.
we laughed. we talked. we enjoyed being in each other's company.
there was no time for sex.
we shared a few kisses.
and i felt happy, so happy, just to be near him.

he's become my best friend and i love him!

The Turning Point

yesterday was a turning point for he and i.
he came over and just held me and we talked.
we didn't have sex of any kind and i was completely naked!
he told me about his life and what was stressing him out.
he kissed me gently on the lips.
he told me about his boys and what's going on with them.
he told me that i'm a light in his life.

he only stayed 20 minutes. our time is always too short.
but he loves me and he knows i needed to touch him.
i needed to smell him.
i needed to taste him.
all my senses honed into him.
my body quivered at his touch.
he loves how my body responds to him automatically.

it was lovely.
it was romantic.
it was sweet.

maybe i'll get to see him today maybe i won't.
he wanted to make a point yesterday to me.
he told me he wanted me to know that this just isn't sex for him,
that he loves me and wants to be with me all the time.
even though right now he can't be with me more,
he wanted to remind me how much he wishes he could be.

i'm so in love with him.
even though i'm not pregnant now i know with him i will be.
we are building a bond and foundation that can last the test of time.
i've never been in love like this before.
i love him and he loves me back!
i just can't get over that and how amazing it is!

The First Full Exchange

Last night we exchanged I love you's for the very first time.
There were no i'm falling for you's just straight I love you's.
I told him you know I have fallen head over heels in love with you.
He said I love what an amazing person you are.
I love what a great cock sucker you are.
Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I love you!
Finally he admits what I already knew in my heart to be true, we are in love.

50 days, 7 weeks of passion and falling in love!

I have never felt this in love ever before.
My neighbors say I'm glowing and bouncing around.
I smile all the time.
Every day is just sunshine and happiness.

The pregnancy test was negative and I didn't get depressed over it.
I was a little disappointed but I shook it right off,
because my head whispered we still have him!
He's what is important.
This bond and relationship is what is important.


Before I didn't care who the father of my child was as long as I had the child.
Now I can't imagine any other man being the father of my baby.
If we're to ever break up I'd stop trying.
He is perfection to me.
He's insecure sometimes which is cute.
He says when I leave him... I laugh.
It'll be the other way around.
It'll be ten years from now and he'll dump me for a younger model.
We both laugh.

He brings out the very best in me.
I want to make him happy.
He wants to make me happy.
He loves and respects me.

Wow, this is the real deal!

I had given up.
And now I have my reward for all the past suffering I've done in relationships gone wrong.
I finally have a man who loves me back as much as I love him!!!!!

Thank you God!!!!

New Horizons

life is so good right now.
i am happy and content.
he's so perfect for me.
i get so excited when i see him i jump up and run to him.
i've never been like this with a man.

i've always held something back.
or i found a flaw i used to throw back at them.
he's awakened a renewed since of hope in me.
i feel an urgency to show him my love.
i don't hide how i feel.
i don't try to manipulate him.

he feels like home.

this is a new horizon for me.
these experiences he brings to me are energizing me in a way i've not known before.
this is how being in love should be.
i want to lift him up not tear him down.
he wants me to feel sexy and loved.
he doesn't point out my flaws and make me feel small.

he's truly a gentleman.
he shows me respect.
that's what i had been missing with the others.
i'd throw in my line for their love and they'd nibble but never bite.
for the first time, i feel like this is right!

i'm not scared.
i'm not full of doubt.
my friend and others are like this is too fast.
you need to slow it down.
but why?

we want to be together.
isn't that what love means, two people that want to spend time together.
two people that want to please each other.
two people that support one another.

i finally got a man i can see spending the rest of my life with
and i'm in this all the way!

My Life Changed Last Night

Last night my whole future changed with one question, Are you falling for me?
I was terrified to answer him.
He wanted complete honesty.
My friend was like you are falling for him.
Maybe it's because she forced me to face the truth,
Maybe it's because it was via text and not face to face,
but i responded honestly, yes, i'm falling for you.

my heart is the optimist in this body.
he asked if i had been trying to tell him that in my texts the last couple of days,
because i was using the word love a lot when i responded to him.
i did not realize i had been doing that.
i would chant in my mind two adults having fun over and over all the time.
any time he would be sweet or take my breath away i would say the chant.

so it was my turn.
the L word was out.
i asked him, are you falling for me.
it seemed to take ages for him to respond.
i was nervous and anxious and scared.
i knew there could be a chance the answer would be no.
he said he was falling for me, but he wasn't in love yet.
but every day he falls deeper into me.
i did a happy dance all around the room.

Love is the most powerful drug in the world.
it can make you higher then heaven when it is right
and feel lower then hell when it is wrong.
i feel like for the first time this is right.
i don't have any doubts.
he's awesome.
he's amazing.
he's smart.
he's funny.
he's ambitious.
he's perfect for me.

he even said he wants me to have his baby for real.
i can't take any pills to help.
it has to be all natural.
i haven't been ovulating.
and this morning, i pee on the ovulation predictor kit and it is positive.
God answers my prayers.
i get a good man and a baby.

i hope i get to spend the rest of my life showing him how much i appreciate him and love him.
the rest of my life started with him last night!

A Creepy Encounter

I'm lying in bed trying to take a nap so I can be awake
when my new man calls around 11pm after he puts his kids asleep,
when the doorbell rings, it's 10:50 according to the clock and i was 1/2 asleep.
so i get up to see who it is.

i turn on the porch light and look through the peep hole and it's the neighbor that has the adorable pug named Rocky,
and the neighbor kid Landon, so I'm thinking something is wrong.
I open the door and he asks me if I've seen Rocky they can't find him.
I said No but I'll help you guys looks, maybe if we bring Sophie the Puggle outside,
Rocky will come to her since he likes her so much.

I put Sophie the Puggle on her leash and she's all kinds of excited now.
I hand her leash to him on the porch (I never let him in!)
and got my coat and shoes on, because it's now frapping cold in Ohio again.
Stupid yo-yo weather sucks.

So I step outside and take Sophie's leash from him and ask,
so where was the last place you saw Rocky.
He says in the house, he's fine, I just wanted to meet you.
What the FRAP!!!!???? (frap = a fuck and crap used at the same time)

Then i notice he's holding a beer and reeks of booze.
Great, he's drunk!
I grew up with many an alcoholic relative.
the first thing i learned is put distance between you and the drunk person.
So i back off the porch onto the parking lot
and ask so what's going on?

he said i hear you're some sort of computer expert.
i say i'm a computer programmer, why is your computer broken?
he's like no just trying to get to know you.
i wasn't even sure this was your apartment.
my heart is racing, i feel anxious and panicked!

i tell him that i'm waiting for my boyfriend to call.
my boyfriend calls every night to talk to me around this time.
i really really like my boyfriend.
i couldn't emphasize enough that i am taken leave me be.
i told him now that the dog is out i have to walk her.
thankfully, sophie is dragging me now to sniff the grass.
so i let her and start to follow her.

he's telling me this big sob story about him and landon's mom
they aren't married, they don't have sex, she means nothing to him.
they have the oldest kid together.
he's just helping her out.
again, i say i'm seeing someone.
i'm very happy.
sorry to hear about your troubles, but i'm sure it'll get better.
and i just let sophie lead me away.

he starts to walk along with me and i say well i better get her walked
and get back inside so i can talk to my boyfriend.
he seems angry, storms off towards his apartment and i hear the door slam.
i'm freaked out!

i mean, seriously, my dog is lost help me find it, that's what pedophiles says to get a little kid in the van.

i am done walking sophie, i'm back in the house, i'm making sure all my doors are locked.
i'm texting my man freaking out.
i am wide awake having a panic attack.
did the guy take the hint?
his he gonna come back?
my man thinks he's gone and says if he comes back he'll have a talk with him.
hearing his voice makes me feel so much better.
he calms me down and i'm able to finally go to sleep at 1:30am.

i swear the weirdest crap happens to me!

It's Going to Be Alright

braved getting on the wii today to weigh myself and do some yoga
the wii board was happy to inform me it had been 20 days since my last visit
i'm thinking, oh no, i've gained, i've gained,
but i was surprised i'd lost 4.9 pounds in 20 days.

it's not some record or anything it is just the right direction.
i started writing down what i eat and i mean everything i eat.
that keeps me honest and lets me see how much i'm eating.
now i'm starting to count calories, carbs, fat and fiber again.
i'm slowly getting back into the weight loss groove.

the yoga kicked my butt.
my balance was still okay though.
my new man is starting a px90 work out.
he says it's intense and an hour a day.

i'm going to do what works for me.

i will wii, walk, count calories and carbs.
it can be a pain and if i'm feeling lazy like i have since january,
i gain back weight.
but considering my lowest weight back in november was 193 i didn't go too crazy.
but i'm starting to feel like my old self.
the sadness and emotional turmoil is lifting.
my new man is a breath of fresh air.

i asked him to give me a hickey and he gave me a huge one.
he just excites me to the core.
just sitting here thinking about him turns me on.
there's this amazing connection that is physical and euphoric.
i'm not in love, i'm in primal animal full sexual peak.
i know i'm going to be stupid and fall in love eventually.
he explained to me when a woman gets an orgasm from a man
she releases a chemical in her brain that attaches her to that man.
and i'm attached or addicted whatever you want to call it.

i went 6 months with no orgasms to him giving me 10 in an hour.
how could i not want that as much as possible?!

today is about getting back on track in my life, health, and happiness.
i finally get that feeling that it's going to be alright!

More Strange Dreams

i'm having the worst and weirdest dreams of my life.
i'm not sleeping well at all.
today i have the worst sinus headache ever.

last night i dreamed my cell phone rang and it showed it was my dad.
i pick it up and say hi dad.
then a woman begins to yell at me.
what r u doing with him?
you'll never keep a man if you keep giving them what they want.

i'm like who is this.
this is your mother.
i'm like but your dead.
seriously who is this and where's my dad.
she yells at me, just because i'm dead doesn't give you the right to not listen to me anymore.
i raised you to be better then how you're behaving.
if you'd taken my advice you'd be married and have a couple of kids.
what kind of example are you setting for my granddaughter.

then she hangs up.

i call back, it rings for forever then goes to a machine.
i call back a couple more times same thing.
so i call my brother who lives nearby.
i told him some crazy lady is in dad's house pretending to be our mother.
you need to go check on dad.
my brother says she called me too.
so he heads over to dad's house while i call my brother who is out of state
and he says the same nut job called to yell at him too.

my brother who went to check on my dad calls me.
tells me he found dad unconscious on the floor with the phone in his hand.
so i rush home.
dad is in the hospital he had a heart attack.
can this dream get any worse at this point!

we tell the police about the phone calls from the woman calling herself our mom.
they pull the phone records.
they happened right around the time of dad's heart attack.
we go into to see dad, he's in critical condition.
he's conscious but barely.
we ask him who the crazy lady was and if she attacked him.
he said it was your mom, she made me dial the phone so she could talk to you guys once more.
and boy she was pissed.
then he dies!

i wake up crying...
i really need to find out why i'm having these dreams.

the new guy sexually satisfies me.
i have no complaints there.
but his time is limited.
it's just sex.
so i think i know this too will blow up in my face.
my dreams are just trying to tell me that.
i just wish i'd frappin' ovulate so he could get me pregnant.

Angels Talking

last night i had a dream angels were talking about me and him
everywhere i turned there were these beautiful winged angels whispering
and turning their heads away when i tried to meet their gaze.
what do dreams like these mean?

the neighbor that sold me the jeep and i used to sleep with went to the store
where my new lover works to complain about some work they did on his new car
he saw the jeep being worked on up on the rack
and asked why it was there
my lover said because it needs work done
the neighbor asked what work
and my lover told him the ball joints are going bad
and the neighbor lied and told him that he had told me they were going bad when he sold it to me.
wow, that's a huge lie.
he said the jeep was in good shape with no major work needing to be done.
my lover told me he could tell the neighbor was lying to him
the neighbor said it must be going bad because of how i'm driving it
my lover stated that my kid drives it
the neighbor got a look on his face like how do you know so much
then my lover said, don't worry i'm taking good care of her
then it dawned on the neighbor that he was now talking to my new lover

it's a small world after all!

i saw that neighbor today on his new motorcycle taking his kid for a ride
i find it funny that he worries about what's going on with his old car
but doesn't give a shit about the woman he used to fuck
he would tell me i was the hottest and wettest and he thought about me all the time.
my new lover tells me the same thing.
i wonder if he's lying to me like the neighbor did.
once burnt twice shy!

what would the angels say if they could talk to me today?
i could only understand my name and his in my dream.
i couldn't hear what else the angels were saying.
maybe the dream was me reminding myself of my fear of this man
being like the last man.

help, i have done it again.
i have been here many times before.
i pick the men that hurt me again and again.
and i can only blame me!

Playing and Losing

Easter was a non event. Holidays aren't the same with the kid all grown up.
I had my nieces over the weekend and took them to a Columbus Crew Soccer game.
They really liked it.
I had no idea what was going on.
Soccer to me was always just an excuse for my brother's to kick me.
I told them I was just watching the pretty boys run around.
They thought that was funny.

The kid is back at the dorms.
I'm back to work.
And I'm back to waiting on a man!

Why do I do this to myself?
It's like I enjoy the pain or something.
I want love but I pick the worst men to give it to me.
This one constantly talks about putting his seed me.
And how he'd love me to carry his child.
I'm confused, because he tells me he likes the idea of me being pregnant with his child,
but he doesn't want me to get actually pregnant!

I sure can pick him!

He's an alpha male which I love that, but he's another one that toys with me.
He enjoys that I want him and he controls when I get him.
We've not had sex for almost a week and a half now.
He's got kids at home, a busy job, a hectic schedule
and I have all this time to just sit around and think about him.

I'm on my own way too much.
But at least this one gives me orgasms!

Pictures are Worth It

well, my latest and greatest sexual adventure is going well.
he comes over about 2 times a week.
we have sex, i sometimes get multiple orgasms, i at least get one,
but he always aims to please.
we are even taking dirty pictures of ourselves.
for our own pleasure of course.

i sprained my lower back by over exerting it.
and i'm sure slipping in the bath tub didn't help.
so i'm on muscle relaxers and pain killers.
i've been high as a kite all week.
i'm being very careful now to ween myself off them.
my lower back is popping and cracking like crazy.
now the pain is dull and throbbing whereas before it was sharp and stabbing pain.
i like to think that is progress.

next week i'm taking a couple of vacation days.
going to get my nieces and we are going to go see a soccer game.
i hope they like it.

here's hoping next week brings me health and more orgasms!

An Unexpected Pleasure

wow, what a change in my life in less then a week.

i took the jeep into a shop to have the oil changed, tires rotated, and an alignment completed.
the neighbor that sold me the jeep recommended this place.
i booked an appointment on friday of last week and the guy on the phone was really funny.
he asked if my husband would be bringing the car in and i told him i was divorced.
he told me a joke,

you know why divorce is so expensive?

no

because it's worth it!!!

i thought that was so funny.

so i'm thinking the next day is st. patty's day and he sounded cute.
so i put on mascara, my dr. pepper chapstick, my new jeans, a tank top and a pretty new low cut t-shirt,
you know, just in case he's single and cute.

i walk in for my appointment and he immediately says, wow, great to see that smile.
i recognize his voice and i say hi, and he's like i talked to you yesterday on the phone.
and i'm like yes, i loved your joke.

so i decided to stay and hang out.
we are flirting.
i offer him my number.
he says he can't take it, but he can give me his number.
so the car is done and the amount isn't anywhere near what he quoted me.
it was just the oil change, i asked what happened to the alignment.
he said he didn't hear me, and i leaned in and said, you were too busy looking at my boobs.
he laughed and said yes i was.
so he's going to call me when i can bring the jeep back for alignment since the rack is taken.

so i'm taking the kid out to lunch and he text me.
we start texting then sexting alot.
i take the jeep back in and we are flirting like crazy in between his customers.
the kid is packing to head out to grandma's for spring break.
she's like quit flirting and bring the jeep home.
but the jeep wasn't done.
and it has ball joints going bad, so there's a couple of hundred bucks.
that's the only bad news from the luckiest st. patty's day i've ever had :)

i finally get home and the kid head's out.
he comes over after work and we're just supposed to get to know one another.
no sex, just maybe some kissing and talking.
figuring stuff out, like what this is and what we want.
he's divorced. he's got 3 boys under age 13.
he just wants to have some fun.
well we all know how the last two men i tried just to have fun with worked out.
but i told him i'd think about it and we had sex.
doggy style, bent over the couch,
i had an orgasm in 15 minutes, the neighbor didn't accomplish that in 5 months!!!

needless to say, i am once again trying a just for fun sexual relationship.
he came over yesterday too and we had sex and i had a record 8 orgasms in 45 minutes.
he's an alpha male too and i'm totally loving it.
i'm sure this relationship has an expiration date as well.
i ruin everything, but for now, i'm sore and extremely high on all the sex hormones.
so he has definitely brought me unexpected pleasure.
he calls and he texts me and he's not hiding anything that i know about.
and we are using birth control.
i told him upfront that i wasn't on any birth control.
i really meant it when i said i was done with secrets and lies.
wish me luck!!!

No More Secrets and Lies

i gave up my biggest secret.
i know the fallout for me is minimal.
i feel bad and relieved all at the same time.
i don't know what the future holds for myself and them, but at least there's no more secrets and lies.

i am going to keep moving forward.
i know i'm alone.
i was warned me this would happen.
he's made a promise now but i don't know if he can keep it.
i know i couldn't keep mine to him.

what motivates me?

a guilty conscience, jealousy, loneliness, and desire for what will never be mine.

all of the above were my motivations.
i've been thinking about telling the secret for months.
it started after i lost the baby.
it weighed heavily on my heart, maybe if i wasn't lying and keeping secrets i'd still be pregnant.
i feel like karma was punishing me and the only way to square it up was to tell.

i never promised i wouldn't tell.
that is the promise you should have had me make.
that is the promise i could have kept.

back to the doctor tomorrow to have blood work done
and to see if a mole on my nose needs to be checked for cancer.

My Ass Got Fatter

i celebrated my kid's 21st birthday weekend, not in drink, but in food.
lots and lots of food.
we ate out all weekend.
we loved the cheesecake at the cheesecake factory.
my kid got her chipotle on, her fave.
and their was pizza and cake at her party.
it was a mellow family event.
all i did all weekend was eat and drive.

i put many miles on the car and 5 pounds on my body.
my ass got fatter.
it is weird how you lose weight and then when you gain some back it doesn't go back to the same places.
my tummy got a little rounder but my butt got HUGE!!!
so it is back to the program.
protein, veggies and fruits.
i go in a week to get my triglycerides, cholesterol, and vitamin d checked.
i'd hate to go back and have to be put back on meds cuz i can't keep the junk food out of my mouth.

i had a surprise though over the birthday weekend.
my 2nd ex-fiancee facebooked me and told me he was getting divorced.
i met him for breakfast on sunday.
he looks the same.
same smile, same brown eyes, he's filled out.
he was such a skinny thing back in the day.
it had been 18 years since we were a couple engaged.
we agreed we were both just really young.
we are talking and texting now.
i hope we can be friends.
i don't know if it'll ever be more then that.
but we still have some stuff in common as far as music and values.
it was good to talk to him.
he said i looked good and i was like he remembered me and that was a good thing.

this week my allergies have been kicking my butt.
but other then that we are back into our routine.
i know i'm so boring!
someone told me i was sexy, i think they were high :)
i've retired from dating.
doesn't mean i won't ever have sex again, cuz we all know you don't have to date to copulate ;)
i'm hoping for a quiet sunny weekend.
my kid is going home with one of her college friends.
i'm not completely broke, but i'm never rich.
everything is right where it should be and i can't complain.

Taxes are In FINALLY!!!

wow, the tax money finally came in.
last year it took a week, this year nearly a month, due to some glitch with the irs and the electronic files.
and this year i really needed that money like two weeks ago.
just shows you can't depend on the government.

the kid's jeep battery died.
got to take care of that.
and on sunday she's 21!!!!
i feel so old.

i need ensure, depends, a better memory and a new hip!

wow, i'm so excited, depressed, and ready for a diet dr. pepper.

will write more on monday after the big 21!!!

I Made My Bed

i did have a sinus infection.
last week i worked from home the entire week taking antibiotics and pounding the good cough syrup.
i slept at least 15 hours a day.
i tried to stay out of the cold and keep warm.
i drank lots of fluids and rested the crap out of it.
i finally went back to the office this past Tuesday.
someone put a buzzard on my cube wall so it was staring at me.
my boss finally got rid of it.
every time i tried to move it, it would just appear again.
but honestly i feel all better finally!

it's hard to be sick.
every little thing made me tired.
sophie got restless because i cut back her walks.
she is such a friendly little dog.
i'm lucky to have her to keep the nights from being so lonely.

the biggest thing i'm battling again is my depression.
the sickness, my weight being stuck, and men are just getting me down.
i've been fighting my depressed moods off and on since october,
but i don't know how much longer i can do it on my own.
i'm hoping not to go back on medication.

my daughter will be 21 on March 4th.
i miss having a little one.
every body thinks i'm crazy to want another child.
i've always wanted more children.
i just kept waiting for the perfect situation.
that has proven to be non-existent.
i guess i lost my chance a long time ago.

my biggest regret is not having at least one more child.
but time only marches forward and i have to accept that i will spend the rest of my life alone.
i made my bed and now i must lie in it!

Sick and Cranky

i've lost five pounds since my last post.
i'm averaging about a pound a day and that's while i'm on my period.
it isn't easy to break myself of my lazy ways.
i've been fantasizing about covering myself in chocolate syrup and letting a certain male lick it off,
then i cover him and do the same.
sweet, sweet, dreams they are indeed.

but i stick to the plan i created for myself.
it doesn't help that i'm sick again.
this stupid cold i caught from a neighbor has taken up residency in my head.
i think now i have a sinus and/or ear infection.
so i need to get into the doctor this week.

i take my vitamins.
i'm eating healthy foods.
i'm exercising.
but i get sick so easily.
i catch any little thing i'm exposed to.
all my neighbor did was lean in and talk to me.

i think i'm going to have to start wearing one of those surgical masks.
or put myself in bubble.
i wonder how expensive bubbles are.
the bubble would never work, sophie the puggle would think i'm her new dog toy.
i see many issues with that situation.

i'm just trying to live my life the best way i can.
but i can't do anything right.
i fail at everything i try.

i fail in relationships.
i fail at sex.
i fail at getting healthy.
i fail at being a good mom.
i fail at saving money.
i fail at supporting myself.
i am a BIG FAT FAILURE!!!!

sickness makes me cranky!

Idea to Break the Tie

hello all.
it has been awhile.
i've been stuck at the 195-200 pound range for nearly 3 months now.
i blame several things, the weather, the holidays, the emotional roller coaster i've been on,
but blame won't make me lose more weight.
blame has been my crutch to excuse my lack of effort in jan.
but now it is feb. and on with the show.

i have figured out how to get myself fired up and to push through the last 30-35 pounds i have to lose.
i call it the snacks diet.

i will eat one meal a day that is 500 calories or less and 50 carbs or less.
this will either be breakfast or lunch, never after 2 pm.

i will then have 4 snack size meals through the rest of the day at least 3 hours apart.
they will be less then 175 calories and 15 carbs.

this will total 1200 calories and 110 carbs every day.

this should jolt my system back into dropping pounds.

i've also gotten lazy with my exercise.
i will do the wii for at least 30 minutes 4 days a week.
and then use netflix fitness videos for the other 3 days a week.
this will introduce some new work outs into my routine and thus stave off the boredom.

it begins when i go to the grocery store.
i have no food in the house.

i've been eating at 8pm, and going out to eat too much.
i've just been lazy lazy lazy.

it has to stop.
i got to carry this through.
i can do this!!!

Tummy Troubles

it's been rough since sunday.
my stomach does NOT agree with anything i do.
i belch, fart, get constipated, bloated, the runs, and just pain!
i didn't know gas could hurt so damn much.
i was popping gas x like vicoden at work so i wouldn't produce a methane cloud in my cubicle.
i don't know what i did or ate to start it.
sunday morning it was just killing me.
i couldn't poop to save my life.

so i popped some laxative.
and i still couldn't poop.
so i popped some more laxative.
then i couldn't stop pooping on monday.

the gas was so bad even the dog had to come up for air.
i smell and it lingers on my clothes.
this is just awful.
i know everybody poops, but is it so bad i want to do it on my usual schedule.

i know this is totally gross and way too much information,
but my tummy troubles are dominating my life.
i can't stay far from the bathroom.
i've gained 7 pounds.
and i'm not eating or drinking anything different.
i think i might have to fast friday and saturday to purge my system.

this sucks and stinks!

i eat the same stuff every day.
i drink the same stuff every day.
i might have to break down and get some of that activia crap.
i hate yogurt, but i saw they had it in drinks.
i might be able to suppress my gag reflex long enough to get that down.

Resistance is Futile

Sonnet 116 - the bard, Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

i fell in love with a man who will never love me back.
and then i took what he told me, deep and dark admissions of who he was,
and i turned them on him and used it against him like a weapon.

i shall never blog of this man again after this.

this is my apology to him.
i am a coward.
i can write how i feel, but i can't say how i feel.

i love you just the way you are and i love all of you,
the demons, and all their baggage.
you are perfect to me!
i tried to resist it. i fought it to the bitter end.
i tried to blow it up. i tried to stab it with my words.
i tried to kill it with my actions.
but my love for you is still here and it's not going anywhere!
my apologies will never be enough,
i did damage like i always do when i'm scared.
and i knew i was falling in love with you and it terrified me, so i panicked.

you must be the strong one.
i am the weak one.
if you come i will not tell you to go or tell you no.
resistance is futile when love is in charge and i was never good enough for you.

i love you Scott!

A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!

Depression makes me fat

i've gained nearly 7 pounds since last week when i lost the baby.
i've fallen into a crippling depression.
i'm always going to bed.
if i'm not in bed i'm eating.
i eat everything and anything.
i'm not even hungry.
it is like i'm trying to fill up the emptiness inside of me.

physically i feel better.
all the yucky bleeding and cramping has stopped.
next week i go to the doctor to see if it is all okay
and to find out when i can start to try to get pregnant again.
but emotionally i'm a wreck.
i know this is a deep depression.
i've been through this before several times.
i don't want to go back on medications to get out of this.
if i'm on meds i can't try to get pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i wanted another baby until i found out i was pregnant.
and now that i've lost the baby all i want is to try again.
i really need to focus on having a baby.
i need to find my motivation again.
i've been kicked down but i can't stay down.
this is my pep talk to myself.
pull yourself up shannon irene and get back on that horse.

you are pretty.
you are smart.
you are awesome.

you know all 3 men (excluding my father) have told me i'm pretty my whole life.
the kid's dad, my ex-fiance brian and scott.

bret told me that there's was nothing about me, face or body that would make him look twice.
it was because he remembered me and my personality from high school that he started talking to me.
he said i was such a happy go lucky person when we were in high school.
that was such a long time ago.
like scott said, we are only small pieces of the people we used to be.
my demons have eaten a huge amount of the happiness i used to have.

happiness, we are guaranteed the pursuit of it in the u.s. constitution
and this nation pursues happiness with a vengance,
but we are more depressed, medicated and fatter then ever.
i think we are all failing on a huge scale to keep the happiness we find.
i bet alot of people are like me.
i think i know what makes me happy so i go after it, get it,
and it either bores me, or it wasn't what i had thought it would be.
then i'm not happy anymore.

i think we are a nation of discontents.
we are all children running around in a candy store.
or a bunch of bulls running loose in a china shop.
i can't carry happiness when i'm being crushed by my infinite sadness.
i want to be happy, but i want to be happy all the time.
and nothing is 100% all the time on.

it hurts to know that scott will reject me again and again.
it hurts to know that i'm never going to be me again.
but i have to go forward because going back is never an option.

The Struggle Within

i'm still feeling sorry for myself.
my little pity party has been full of candy bars, cookies, pop, and taco bell.
i know i need to get ahold of this misery and reign it in,
but i'm just so damn depressed over losing the baby.

i saw scott yesterday.
he asked me how i was.
i just shrugged.
i asked him how he was.
he said fine.
yup, that was it.
lovely wasn't it.

i'm struggling with this.
i know the internet says it is all normal.
all these emotions i'm going thru are part of the process.
i don't even know if i had someone to talk to what i would say.
i've made up my mind that i'm going to try again.
once the doctor gives me the okay.

there's a website where men donate their sperm for free.
it's crazy, but i really want this.
i love being a mother.
i'm a good mother.
i want one more baby.
is that so wrong?

i tried to wait until i was married.
then my ex-husband told me he didn't want children.
it crushed me to pieces.
i love kids.
i love being around kids.

scott turned out to be the calm one in all this.
he surprised me.
of course, he was so sure he wasn't the father,
i don't think he was sweating it.
i hated to tell him that my other kid got here cuz her dad pulled out.
pulling out doesn't have a very high success rate for birth control.

i'd love it if scott would help me get pregnant again.
i'd even get paperwork drawn up to terminate is parental rights and
if he wanted i'd just tell everyone i got the sperm from that web site.

i was dreaming when the cramps woke me up thursday morning.
the baby was 7-8 months old, she had scott's hazel eyes and my blonde curly hair, Clara.
scott was feeding her something green, peas, spinach, who knows.
she spit it out on him and laughed like only babies that age can laugh.
then she said "da da" and scott's face lit up like a christmas tree.
this was the first dream i had picturing what the baby would look like and i dreamed she looked like scott
and was scott's baby.

maybe it was because bret had been so mean to me on our tuesday call.
i only facebooked bret about the miscarriage.
i have no idea if he knows, but i'll be damned if i'll call and tell him.
i'm done with him.

he justifies being a total dick because it's the truth or his perception of the truth.
the truth is no justification for being a mean, hurtful, and petty.
and most of what he was ranting about was what he hoped the truth to be.
i figured him out, he's only happy when he's miserable.
and lynn will continue to make him miserable.

he told me i had too many negative influences in my life.
after i hung up crying and feeling so small,
i realized the biggest negative influence in my life is bret.
every time i talk to him he makes me feel like shit.
so i'm ridding myself of him and his negativity.
i wish him the best in all his future endeavors.

My Lost Hope

i lost the baby.
i started to miscarry yesterday morning.
i've lost all hope.
the doctor reassured me these things happen and it's not my fault.

i feel literally empty.
i feel helpless.
i feel lost.
i thought about killing myself.
but i made a promise not to try that again.
i have a lot of flaws but i do keep my promises.

the doctor still wants me to come in on my appt.
she says i can try again in a couple of months.

i really don't want to talk about.
i've informed scott and bret via fb.
i really don't want to hear either of them say it's for the best.
or any other supposedly comforting remarks when i know they are both doing happy dances of relief.

bret really disappointed me.
he started acting like scott.
he's back with lynn and he said he wasn't taking a paternity test until after scott did.
that even if he was the father i'd be on my own cuz he's going to be with lynn.
he turned really really petty, mean, and ugly on me.
and i know it was lynn talking through him.
i will never speak to bret again.

i really really wanted my baby.

A Bruise on My Nose

saturday i woke up and went to the grocery store.
that went well, except i saw the carmello bars on close out at 53 cents each,
so i bought all that was left, since the cashier explained to me close out means
that store won't carry them anymore
so now i have a drawer full of carmello bars screaming my name
so far i've had one and gab has had one.

i get home and i'm putting away the groceries.
i am putting the kid's dinosaur fun nuggets, seriously, she's almost 21 years old,
in the freezer, i pull the freezer door open and slam it right into my nose!!!
usually when i injure myself in such a stupid manner i laugh,
this time it hurt so fucking bad i was totally dazed.
i had my glasses on to boot, so that made it hurt worse.
now i have a bruise on my nose.

only me right, sheesh!!!

scott came over to get his money.
i was going to drop it off to him, but i saw the bunny was home
and after konking myself on the nose i was in a pissy mood
and did not want to see her.
i could not guarentee i wouldn't be a total bitch just cuz i can be.
so he came down to get it.

he showed the kid how to check the oil in berta.
he walked around that jeep like a lover checking every inch
touching it gently, it was like watching some man-gasim in progress.
he really really loves that car, sweet berta.
but i'm greatful he checks up on it.
the kid and i just drive the shit out of the cars.
they don't have emotional meaning to us.
to each their own i guess.

i went to hug him and he hesitated big time.
i apolgized he got to see the very ugly side of my mental illness.
he let me give him a hug.
i've done some damage there, i'm not surprised.
bret and scott both won't ever trust me again.
scott and i had a 5 month run that's typical for me.

the most significant relationships in my life (all 7 of them)
last 5-7 consecutive months in a row.
i'm the one that cannot sustain a long term relationship.
i'm the loser.
i'm the committment phobe.
i'm the disease.

went to a neighbor's 6 year old's birthday party.
she was a ballerina.
i stuffed like 6 of those spring rolls in my mouth.
damn they were good.
the mom made all these little dainty chocolates.
they are from brazil and there was all this food i've never seen before
we left after an hour cuz the whole roasted pig was stirring up my gag reflux, thank u baby!!!

i was going to drive me and the other neighbors over to next door
but they wanted to walk, but i had already pulled up the car
so i just parked it up front, in the bunny's spot
when we walked back i couldn't find my keys and i was freezing
and ready to yack from eating all those spring rolls
so i just left the car their

i went and got it this morning when i walked sophie
i'm so thankful to have a garage
the kid took my ice scraper.
i hate scraping a car.
today the kid goes back to school
and i got to be alone and broke

but i think of the little baby inside of me and smile.

I Hate Owing Money

scott says there's no chance in hell he's the father.
that is most excellent news.
the paternity test bret wants should hold no surprises.
now i just have to twiddle my thumbs until august when the baby gets here.

i feel better now knowing it isn't scott's baby.
the whole situation with him lately has not good.
but sex only has never been something i've been good at.
i have too many emotions to not get emotionally attached to a man.
i'm not in love with him, but i do care about him.
i feel bad i haven't been able to pay him off for the jeep.

i bring home net what he makes gross but i never have any money.
i poorly manage my money.
i excel at spending it, but i can never hold on to it.
i will try to give him 200 bucks a paycheck until he's paid off.
and he really swears he's done with me now.

i should apologize for being such a bitch.
i don't think he deserved it.
i just feel bad for his live in girlfriend.
she thinks they are getting married and living happily ever after.
and if he's not having sex with me it will only be a matter of time before he fucks someone else.
he's a man whore, he said it himself.

i hate owing him money, i feel like he has power over me while i do.
i hate that i gave him so much control.
i handed myself to him on a silver platter and i didn't know all the rules.
the only person i should be angry with is myself.
i hate to share.

bret totally went off on me too.
i don't need this crap right now.
i want a paternity test.
if it's my baby i'll live with u and take care of the baby,
but that doesnt' make us a couple.

why do i only want to be with men that only want to have sex with me?

scott - has a live in girlfriend.

bret - is still hung up on lynn

my ex husband - i wasn't a man

his brother - i wasn't his wife nor the mother of his children

ron - i wasn't his mother

i always fall in love with men that cannot love me back.
but this baby will love me and i will love this baby with everything i have.
this will probably be my last child, this is it.
i have to be super mom to this kid.
i will matter to this baby.
i have a purpose again!

The Mood Swing Revolution

gab and i got in a huge fight saturday night and sunday.
over the fact i gave away a poster on her wall to the neighbor teenager.
i had to get the poster back.
she admits she overreacted and i admit i should respect her space and not give her stuff away.
it gave me a headache.

she said u r so moody, it's scary, it's like your pregnant or something.
i stormed out and went out to buy a pregnancy test.
i waited until gab left and took the test.
it was positive.
so i must of taken the one on the 11th too soon.
so i'm back to whose the daddy, bret or scott?

i've been trying to process this.
i told scott on fb, coward i know, but then i deleted the message like an hour later.
i don't know what to do.
i have an ob/gyn appt. on feb 10th.
i want the baby to be bret's.
can i just do that?

my boobs hurt, i'm nauseated and i want a small chocolate milk shake and a big mac!!!
then i want to take an egg roll and dip it in the big mac sauce.
yeah, i'm pregnant.

scott says if i finish paying him off he won't ever speak to me again.
that's good right.
then bret can be daddy and he will marry me and we will live...
who am i kidding, unless i'm having a boy, i'm screwed.
sometimes i feel like i live in india, china, or the middle east
both men in my life want boys.

maybe i should make up some 3rd men and pin the baby on him.
and just go it alone.
is that selfish???

Cigarettes, Anger, and Regrets

i have been foolish again.
i made poor decisions again.
i drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and got totally trashed man for New Year's Eve.
I woke with the hang over plus i felt like i had eaten a cigarette.
i only smoke when i drink and i drank and smoked way too much.

i sent an angry message to scott, belittling the size of his penis.
i do prefer the smaller tool he has.
my uterus is slightly prolapsed and too big of a penis hits my cervix and hurts.
but i'm angry that i was lonely.
it's my fault really.
i let him come and go as he pleases.

i put a cigarette out on the trunk of his neon.
he fb'ed me back asking why i had anger directed towards him.
i guess i've let myself simmer for too long.
but when he touches me i can't think.
let alone tell him how he makes me feel.

everything is just fine and dandy,
but when he leaves me,
i'm unsatisfied, wet, horny, frustrated and just twisted up.
he makes me feel so excited then it's like he drops me and i shatter.
i want to be more to him then an easy lay.
the more i get to know him the more i want to know him.
it is a dire situation.

i think this one is over my head.
i deserve better.
even a fuck buddy treats u better then this.
5 months and not one orgasim for me.
he's right, it's not fair.
and i'm bored with the games he plays.

at least my headache is gone now.
my tummy feels somewhat better.
i want to have movie nights, snuggle time, silly moments.
affection nicknames, smacks on the ass, and regular sex.
i want a macaroni for all my cheese.