A Sad Cold Rain

it is a dreary day, a sad cold rain is falling.
of course, the rain can't really be sad, i'm the sad one.
i shouldn't be surprised that i can't shake this depression.
yesterday it was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death.

i was doing okay until jodi posted on facebook she was thinking of me and mom.
i couldn't concentrate on anything after that.
i miss her.
i try to remember the good times, but so much of my emotional damage comes from my relationship with my mother.

the whole reason i went into computers is because she didn't know anything about them,
so she couldn't constantly correct me.
she overtook anything i did that she knew how to do because i wasn't doing it right.
she could be my biggest cheerleader and my cruelest critic.
i guess she was only doing what her mother did to her.
she could never please grandma lois.
i know my mom loved me, but i wish she could've been less critical of me.

whenever i pick myself apart, whenever i fill up with doubt,
it was always her voice in my head when i was younger.
the 16 years has made her voice go away.
i can't even remember what she sounded like without watching a video.
but now it is my voice in my head that has replaced hers.
and i think that's a very bad thing.

i love my mom.
i miss my mom.
even my shrink said i never had a chance to resolve my issues with mom,
so i'm letting myself be haunted by what if's and maybe's.
isn't funny how i tear myself apart and put myself down
all because i think she wouldn't be proud of me today.
i have no idea how'd she feel about me and my life today.
it's all in my head, it's always been all in my head.
and it is always my fault!