My Lost Hope

i lost the baby.
i started to miscarry yesterday morning.
i've lost all hope.
the doctor reassured me these things happen and it's not my fault.

i feel literally empty.
i feel helpless.
i feel lost.
i thought about killing myself.
but i made a promise not to try that again.
i have a lot of flaws but i do keep my promises.

the doctor still wants me to come in on my appt.
she says i can try again in a couple of months.

i really don't want to talk about.
i've informed scott and bret via fb.
i really don't want to hear either of them say it's for the best.
or any other supposedly comforting remarks when i know they are both doing happy dances of relief.

bret really disappointed me.
he started acting like scott.
he's back with lynn and he said he wasn't taking a paternity test until after scott did.
that even if he was the father i'd be on my own cuz he's going to be with lynn.
he turned really really petty, mean, and ugly on me.
and i know it was lynn talking through him.
i will never speak to bret again.

i really really wanted my baby.