Happy New Years 2011 RIP

Here's what i sent Scott today via Facebook -
my new year's resolution is to get a boyfriend. and that's not u. so u r hereby cut off. please don't come around anymore. i will bring down the rest of the money i owe u when i get it. like u said it's not fair and i deserve more then 5 minutes. have a great new year and i wish u and beverly a long boring life together.


now it is time to become invisible to him.
new walk the dog routine.
silence is queen.

i'm lonely.
i have to find a man to be here with me.
instead i keep finding men that want to use me.
it is time to turn it around.

i'm depressed.
today i will wallow in my misery.
tomorrow i will pick myself up and overcome this disease.
i deserve better!!!

He Comes Around

another visit from my naughty neighbor scott.
he gave me the maintenance information on the jeep.
i swear he loves berta like he really should love that woman he lives with, but to each his own.
we did our usual plus the anal sex for a minute.
that was different, i'm not sure i liked it, my butthole itches now.
he tried to get me off, bless his heart.
you'd think at his age he'd know how to do it a little better then that.
but considering we were standing up against the garage door you do what you can.

i think this was the last time.
the new year begins the new changes in me.
and he won't be allowed to touch me anymore.
i'll have to be mean about it.
i think if i call him a loser and a 2 pump chump he'll not want to talk to or kiss me anymore.
he rocks on the kissing.
i finished him off with a blow job.
i am going to miss his flavor.
it's like creamy with light saltiness...

scott did NOT get me the snowflake necklace.
he thinks maybe the little twin girls gave it to me,
which would be really sweet, but i haven't seen them out so i'll have to ask them when i do.
otherwise, i won't know who gave it to me and that creeps me out a wee bit.

my hip is seriously messed up.
i fell, thank you balance disorder.
and caught myself with my hip against the wall at the top of the stairs.
i've gained 4 pounds back to 199 again.
and i can only walk a bare mile everyday before my hip goes into spasms.

i'm so old, old, old, old, old.
and some people just annoy the crap out of me.
another neighbor asked what i did and i said i fell,
and she said well the bigger you get the harder you fall,
i gave her the look, but did not say, so u think i'm BIG/aka fat!
she back pedaled so fast it gave me whiplash,
then went to well when you're older,
which i gave her another look, but did not say, so u think i'm OLD!!!
i don't like her, she talks like a stoner.
she tries to be nice, but it just comes off as her thinking she's better then me.
stupid bitch!!!
pain makes me mean!!!

An Uneventful Christmas

i hope everyone had a merry christmas out there in internet land.
my christmas was uneventful.
scott left a snowflake necklace on my porch christmas eve.
it is very pretty but i can't wear necklaces well, i have a thick neck.
so i hung it from my rearview mirror.
i gave a few of my neighbors some anchor shot glasses.
they all seemed to like them.

we got new movies, a new wii game, i got meemaw's perfume, windsong.
as soon as i sprayed it, it was like she had never left.
that's a perfume i would have never guessed at, thankfully, she told her friend what she wore.
it does smell so good.
i keep spraying it so i can think of her.

i spent christmas day eating snickers and drinking alcohol.
it was merry.
only burger king was open so i got dinner from there.
today is all about cleaning.
and walking my laps.
sophie the puggle loves her christmas toys.
there's a squeaky purple bear that she is dragging everywhere.

my kid is spending the week down at her dad's family.
she always has a good time with them.
i'm glad she's close to his family.
at times i wish i had more kids when i was younger.
she's so spoiled a sibling close to her age wouldn't have hurt her.

jan. and feb. are hard for me.
mom died one month after christmas in 1996.
then her and dad's wedding anniversary is feb 10th
and her birthday is feb. 17th.
my thoughts stray to her alot this time of year.
she so loved everything about christmas.
she grew up so poor they never had anything.
i know i'm blessed and lucky.
i have everything i need and even though there are things i want
they are the things you can't buy, like love, attention, time with the one i care about.

so i think my priorities are clear.
God bless you all.
Happy Holidays!!!

I've Lost my enthusiasm

scott stopped by last night to return the remote control.
he said he got the car to work and didn't need my garage because there had been a nice day while i was gone.
he started the whole dry humping, kissing, grabbing me crap.
i've lost my enthusiasm for the whole situation.
now i just got to figure out how to blow him off.
i was not responsive last night and he seemed disappointed.
but that's his problem and not mine.
he's laid off from work until jan so he's driving semi's locally.
i imagine i'll see him soon.
and then i'll cut ties.
it's all gotten very boring to me.
he's boring to me.

i think i'm depressed.
i go to bed at 6pm.
sophie has been having accidents in the house.
i think it is because the kid doesn't let her out when i go to bed so early.
i feel like a loser, a failure, and a disappointment.
i can't do anything right lately.
i just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and never leave it.

i guess this will pass.
i'm working to get back into my schedule.
i worked out on the wii this morning.
i'm back to 195.
and i expected just to break even this month.
so if i don't gain anything between now and the end of the year i'll be set.

jan. i have tweak my workout and diet.
i need to weed out what has failed me.
i can't do any kind of ice cream, even light or less fat.
i just eat too much of it.
i got 30 more pounds to lose.
i know i can do it.
i just got to get my ass out of this depression.
hopefully, without medication this time.

Post Funeral Caffiene Withdrawal

what a long long weekend.
we went to dad's thursday night so we could head to TN first thing Friday morning.
Meemaw's funeral was on Saturday.
My brother got lost because he insisted on going thru cincy instead of following dad and us through indy.
he showed up 3 hours later then we did.
he missed the turn in bowling green for 68.
every one asked him how his uncle jerry shortcut was.
he went to nashville and almost to memphis.
on the way home he followed dad, i drove sunday morning cuz he takes meds and my neice isn't a morning person.
he started talking about cutting over to cincy once we hit louisville.
i told him i wasn't driving thru cincy, if he wanted to do that i was getting back in dad's car and he was on his own.
that shut him up.
you'd think he would have learned after the way down there.

saturday was crazy.
my uncle's dog nearly killed my brother's dog.
aunt polly and my cousin jody got into it over meemaw's bible.
aunt polly had a meltdown.
i had an over zealous hugging cousin.
he hugged me so tight i heard something pop.
we went to mcdonald's and ronald was there, i hate clowns.
he got up in my face and i froze.
my dad went, bud, she hates clowns.
he went i'm not a clown.
my kid went, just back off.
and he did finally.
we sat where i couldn't see him.
you'd think if you were told someone doesn't like you you'd take the hint.
this clown was obnoxious.
i fucking hate clowns!!!!

i cried so hard at the graveside service.
just looking at the silver casket drove it home.
meemaw is with God and Jesus now.
if anybody was going to heaven it was Meemaw.
she was so strong in her faith and devotion to God.
i wish i could be more like her.
i got to make some changes.
life can be so much more then what i'm doing with it.
the preacher said if there's a wall or fridge in heaven,
he's sure Meemaw will have our pictures up on it in no time.

we went back to meemaw's and told stories and watched old videos.
it was great to see my family.
i even laughed so hard i pee'd myself a little.
of course, gab had to tell everyone.
but that's just more to laugh at.
for the most part we get along pretty good.
my aunt jenny doesn't think i'm bi-polar,
she is a professional in such matters.
my kid said stand next to her long enough and you'll catch a mood swing.
my aunt jenny admitted she hasn't been around me alot to determine it,
but she hoped i'd be okay.
i told her i take it one day at a time and exercise helps.

sunday was 11 hours in the car.
i think i did good driving my neices car.
i only got anxious over the bridge in louisville.
the other bridges i couldn't see because of the fog.
it's the thought of going off the bridge and falling into the water that freaks me out.
i just don't want that long drop into the cold water.
it's too much.

now it's back to normal.
i drank dt. pop non stop since thursday.
so it's back to no pop.
and losing the 3 pounds i've gained this past week.
i've had a headache since tuesday.
caffiene withdrawal will not help it.

the world seems duller without meemaw praying for my soul.
i love you meemaw.

Bittersweet Tennessee

the funeral will be in a couple of days so we have to pack up and head to tennessee.
it'll be wonderful to see the family, it's been a couple of years, but it'll be sad that we are all there for MeeMaw's funeral, so bittersweet, this trip to Tennessee.

when i was 7 grandpa and Meemaw retired and moved from Ohio to Tennessee. I went from seeing them every day to seeing them on our summer vacations for a week. i missed them very much.
as i got older and grew up and had my daughter, we went to see MeeMaw less and less.
then in spring of 2010 she had a stroke, i realized it had been ten years since i had gone to visit.
we went that summer for a long weekend.
it was too short.
that's the last time i saw her.
there was never enough money or enough time to go visit.
i regret that now.
Meemaw had her priorities right, God and family, is what she dedicated her life too.

i have some very difficult decisions to make.
Meemaw's death has made me take a hard look at some of my choices lately.
I've not been making healthy emotional choices.
Scott, Bret, Jackie, all unhealthy for my emotional needs.
I need to make a clean break from empty deadend sexual relationships.
I do want another child, but to conceive via one of these men is just opening my child and I to years of disappointment and heartache.

these men can't change so I must.
when i get back from tennessee i'm going back to church.
i'm going to get back on a righteous path.
God and family will be my focus.
I've already been working on my physical health, now it's time to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

God, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Especially, to tell Scott no.
that word doesn't pop into my head when that man touches me.
i'm caught up in his web, a total fly to his spider.
he knows he's got me, help me break free.
Amen!

Meemaw died

my wonderful meemaw passed away at 2am this morning, peacefully in her sleep.
she had been in fading health the last couple of months.
she had just come home from the hospital yesterday.
i'm full of sorrow.

Brownie Irene was born on September 3, 1923.
She was one of ten children.
She smelled like cookies, sugar, and cinnamon buns.
She always wore her hair up.
She had beautiful brown eyes and almost black hair.
I was named Shannon Irene in her honor.
I have so many happy memories with her.

We were called the two irene's or i was called little irene.
she's how i got my southern drawal.
she taught me how make homemade biscuits.
she'd tell me when i was little that buying things is how she showed she loved me.
i told her the same thing when i was older and would try to buy her things.
she never fussed over herself.
she loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren with a deep absolute devotion.

as she aged she remained strong, stubborn, and adamant to be on her own.
in the past two years she had suffered a stroke, a bad fall, and finally a ruptured ulcer.
but i never heard her complain or gripe about her suffering.
she was steadfast in her faith that God would take care of her.
He took one of his everyday angels home today.
Meemaw i know heaven is awesome, but don't forget to remember i'm still down here and i miss you.

love always,
your little Irene!

when do they go back to school?

my kid is a one person destruction crew.
she brought the crutches in from the garage and threw them behind the couch, wtf???
she said it was so if there was a bug on the ceiling she wouldn't have to get up to kill it.
i am cranky, tired, and short fused.
i lost it.
i told her if she keeps moving shit around i will break one of her protruding body parts so she'll NEED the crutches!!!
it's bad enough she keeps knocking the baby Jesus down in the nativity scene by putting her crap on the table,
when does she go back to school, NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

i can't live with her anymore.
she's rude, disrespectful, lazy, messy and just a bitch every time she comes home.
she thinks she knows everything.
she takes over the t.v. and i want to listen to music.
why can't she disappear into her room like the old days, unseen and unheard.
those days were nice, i liked them, i enjoyed them!!!

i did not sleep well.
i think i punched myself in the eye last night.
i've had spasms in my left eye all day and it's been watering and it hurts a little.
i feel so old.
i've had to wear my glasses all day.
i had bad bad dreams.
i dreamed i told scott i was pregnant and he beat the shit out of me until i miscarried.
extreme concept right, he seems like an alright guy.

but i couldn't keep the thought of him beating the crap out of me out of my head.
so i googled him and he has domestic violence charges from his first marriage.
he had to do probation and domestic violence classes in FL for a year.
so he can be violent.
he was in his 20's and now he's in his 40's so hopefully he's mellowed.
but he did threaten to kill me if i didn't deny our sexual encounters.

i am discombobulateed between the previous sentence and this one scott knocked on the door.
blow job, private part rubbing, making out, dry humping, back to sexual frustration for one!!!
told him about my dream, he thought it was stupid
and then he kissed me, he is a really GREAT kisser!!!

disappointment and hockey

the pregnancy test was negative. so i'm bummed. i guess i'll just keep trying.
lucky for me scott can't keep it in his pants.
he wants to use my garage to work on one of his cars.
he kept saying i want to park something of mine in your garage.
annoying and totally immature which is so scott.

me, dad, and the kid went to a columbus blue jackets game last night.
we were in the first row, which was awesome.
my dad had a really great time.
got the tickets and parking pass free from work.
thank goodness we took Lucille, dad's gps with us.
downtown columbus is a mess, with tons of closed exits.
lucille got us there and back though.

i invited scott and his son, but his little bunny had laser eye surgery,
and she can only see out of one eye.
so he needed to be the good boyfriend and take care of her.
sucks to be a committed relationship.
he never tells her he loves her.
i don't think i could live with a guy that never says i love you.
she's got blinders on.
he's going to destroy her.
i just want to have sex with him and make a baby.
the only one that doesn't know he's a liar and a cheater is her.
she's so stupid!!!
but love does that to you.

The common cold

i've lost 5.5 pounds in the past six days thanks to the common cold.
i sleep then i sleep some more.
i've been eating chicken noodle soup and that's about it.
so now i'm back down to my pre-birthday pig out weight.
not the best way to accomplish it but very effective.
i still am sick, but feel much better.

i will be able to take my first pregnancy test sunday.
i got my fingers crossed that it's positive.
i've been very careful with the cold medicine i've been taking.
i don't want to hurt a baby if i'm with child.
even though robitussin and tylenol haven't helped at all.

today i got to run to the store.
there's no food in the house.
i got to get a few things.
my kid is back from school for 3 weeks on saturday.
we are going to drive each other crazy.
i know it's a short trip to drive me off the rails of the crazy train, but she knows my buttons and she pushes them with glee!

scott has been flirty.
somehow i think we are going to start having sex again.
i guess he really can't keep it in his pants.
thank God for that horny bastard!!!
he's coming over today and possibly tomorrow.
so if i'm not pregnant, he's still a viable baby sperm donation specialist.

i tired to eat oatmeal for breakfast.
it is just nasty.
i don't like oatmeal.
not even in cookies.
it's like jello or yogurt.
i don't care how healthy it is for me, i don't like it, yuck!!!
so the dog ate most of it and she enjoyed that!

Loser nearly busted

last night ...
i'm such a dork!
i've got a head cold and i feel like shit!
fever, sore throat, sneezing, coughing, headache from hell!!!
so i'm sleeping alot and trying to keep hydrated.
i'm in a foul mood.
but Sophie the Puggle still must be walked.

so i'm in my pj's, dr. pepper pants and a nightgown, both are now 3 sizes too big.
i throw on a jacket 2 sizes too big and slip on shoes.
i'm walking and i see scott's car.
i think, he's such a loser.
so what do i do, i write loser on the trunk of the car with my finger in the dirt.
two seconds later, he pulls in, in the bunny's car, and honks at me.
i'm like shit, he's going to know that's me.
so he's putting trash in the car to go to the dumpster.

i circle around and when he goes around the corner i run back up to the car
and wipe the loser off of the car!
i don't know what got into me.
it was very immature, but i can be immature.
so i start walking back the regular path and he pulls over to talk to me.
i tell scott i'm sick.
he has hiccups.
he had a beer, he doesn't like beer.
he throws sophie his water bottle (she loves water bottles)
i jokingly cough in his direction and tell him i'm just sharing like a good neighbor.
he drives off and i come home.

i really need to suppress my childish urges.
but when i'm sick i'm more puckish.
my neck is really sore too.
i put icy hot on it after an ice pack didn't work.
i slept 12 hours and woke up still feeling like crap.
but the show must go on.
work is slow so hopefully i won't have to fire up to many neurons today.

crown and ginger ale

wow, i am an idiot!!!

jackie came down around 3pm friday and he was drinking crown and ginger ale while eating a slim jim.
he said the slim jim masked the whiskey.
he wanted me to meet his buddy rob and show him my boobies.
jackie has been talking up my boobs to heights they have never aspired to.
i kept to my one drink rule, thankfully!
and he was right, the slim jim did blank out the whiskey after taste, did i mention he made my drink in a 24 oz glass!
that hit me hard, i was really buzzed.
i wasn't going to show my boobs at all, but jackie walked up behind me and just popped them out.
i was not happy.
his friend left after getting an eyeful, jackie poured me a 2nd drink that i didn't touch.
jackie was trying to talk me into doing him and his roommate.
or at least give them blow jobs!
i was not interested.
jackie whipped out his little manhood, he assurred me it gets bigger, i did not stick around to find out.
new rule --- no drinks at jackie;s and no going inside at jackie's!
the worst part is cindy came over to give jackie his resume she's been helping him with and it was just post boobie exposure!
i was embarassed to say the least.
i know jackie is going to tell scott, i know they talk about shit like that.
but i did not have sex with anyone.
and considering i could be pregnant that will be my last drink too.
i'll use my sugar being high if drinks are offered in the future to pass.

i can take my first pregnancy test on the 11th.
i'm hopeful!

hope springs eternal

i had sex with bret early am yesterday and his sperm can last 2-3 days so i'm hoping that's enough to fertilize and conceive. i hope i hope i hope!

but i'm trying to get scott to kick in a donation for a safety net.
but considering i've confessed that i've told people about him i don't know if he's in play anymore.
i never realized getting a horny man whore to have sex with me would be so difficult.
that's what i get for lying.
i wish i wouldn't lie, but i really really want one more kid.
so i came clean about everything but being on birth control.
sad right, but i'm really in a spot.
i'm 39 it's now or never in my book.

i'm not a good person.
i'm not going to pretend that what i'm doing has some sort of justification.
it's wrong to dup these men.
especially since i care about them.
there's no moral ground to stand on for this.
and if it fails miserably i deserve it.
but i really love being a mom and i miss having a little one.
i should have had more then just one kid.
i kept waiting for the perfect situation and it doesn't exist.
so i'm taking lemons and trying to make some lemonade.

may the men forgive me and God have mercy on my soul.

What is on my mind today!

1 - why can't i stop thinking of scott when i know he's a liar and a cheater
2 - why are sophie the puggle's nails so short when i haven't clipped them in forever
3 - sophie the puggle is the puggle of the day at http://www.puggle.org/ (check her out!!!)

So on my birthday i get a message from a guy i went to high school with asking me to go out to dinner and a movie.
i spent the next hour trying to remember who he was.
he was part of the group of guys that were always quiet and wearing stupid smirks, so i thought they were stoners.
they weren't, just watching the girls walk by.

so he lives back home, 2 hours away, his name is John.
we talked on the phone for two hours.
he's okay, but he's already talking mistletoe and holding me, it's like slow down.
the more a man pushes me to intimacy the more i run away.
i think john is still hung up on his son's mother.
they've been broken up quite awhile, but i know how it can be.
he truly loved her and thought they were going to spend their life together.
bret still isn't over lynn and john isn't over tina.
but i agreed to drive down next weekend and to have dinner with him.
you never know unless you try right!

i am playing the truth card with scott.
not sure how he is taking it.
the mystery is gone.
the passion and chemistry is still there.
but now i know he just wants a fuck buddy i feel like i don't have to try or lie.
he's not worth the effort.

i told him that bret knows about us with all the details
and our apt. manager has known since the beginning since i asked about him,
but she doesn't have any details.
i think that's the biggest lie.
there's several smaller ones, but it was standard bullshitting to be more appealing because i didn't know if he wanted a more romantic long term relationship.
now that i know he's not long term material i don't really give a fuck anymore.
i think that has thrown him.
but i haven't talked to him since black friday because his little bunny's daddy is in town.

i asked him if there were any lies he'd like to come clean on.
like not telling me he had a live in girlfriend or that he wasn't single for example.
in case he's forgotten the bullshit he spoons out to get laid.
he's very smooth.

but bret is here and life is good.
bret and i are in a good place.
the sex is good and we click.
it is a shame he only loves me as a friend
but i'm getting over that too.
time is amazing at healing emotional wounds like unrequited love.

this next year i'm going to embrace my life like never before.
i'm making a list of things i've always wanted to do that are doable.
12 of them, one for each month of 2012.
and it has to be budget friendly since i'm going to be saving for my first house.

there are so many bad decisions i've made in the past.
i really should have died several times.
but i'm still here, so i got to pull my head out of my ass and live!!!

Time for some solitude

i'm peopled out!

why when i ask for the truth i get fed lies.
it's making me constipated with deceit.
scott said jackie said something to him about us.
so scott is mad at me and has cut me off.
not a huge loss since the sex was not good, but still it was sex.
scott and i talked quite a bit when we were switching out the car titles.
now i'm $400 short on rent, but i'm not stressed.
i was thinking we were doing this next weekend, but i guess not.

i asked jackie.
he calls me stupid, like buying the jeep was stupid.
jackie's mad about me because i asked cindy if she told jackie about me and scott.
not a huge loss there either since jackie is a schmuck.

me and my mouth are taking a vacation.
i don't go back to work until thursday.
the kid goes back to school this afternoon.
i have no reason to speak to anyone after that until thursday.
i'm going to bask in the bliss of my solitude.

it's raining all day today.
i did a 1/2 hour of exercise on the wii.
i'm watching my browns play at 1.
then the kid goes to the dorms and i go on mute.
unless it is a child or saying hi there's no need for me to chit chat.
i was being too social, it does NOT come naturally to me.

i am socially inapt, akward and i can't keep a secret.
now the whole apartment complex knows that.
at least i have bret to look forward on tuesday night.
maybe i will get an orgasim, maybe not.
i don't want to pressure him for sex.
he's got enough pressue on him with the court date.
i don't know what he's going to do if he doesn't get custody.

Happy Turkey Day 2011

i passed this thanksgiving alone. and it's been the best one ever.
my healthy eating stays intact and i don't have to clean up or puke from eating too much.
the kid is over at the paternal grandparents.
i got my miles walked.

i got a little conversation in with scott.
he did pop my ass cherry.
and he agrees it was bad sex.
so he doesn't know what to do and neither do i.
i'm thinking fuck buddies.
when he wants to get laid he just comes on down.
i don't want to marry him.
but he hasn't told his live in bunny that he's bored with her yet.
so he wants to cool it down.

i get to see him tomorrow too.
i guess we'll talk more then.
i care about him.
i thought i was the one making him feel like a bad person,
but apparently, his demon is being a man whore.
he doesn't believe in happily ever after or love
he doesn't want to be married
and he gets bored

wow, sounded like he was describing myself for a minute.
we both have a very long string of broken relationships behind us.
wow, we are both broken!

i don't want to fix him.
i don't want to save him.
i just want to have sex with him alot.

i screwed it up like always

so Monday goes by and he doesn't show. he finally fb's me to say he's still at work.
by now i'm getting a migraine, so i decide to take the medication the doctor gave me for when i feel the start of a migraine. i take two as directed.

about 2 hours later the doorbell rings and it's him. or i think it's him. i was stoned out of my ever loving mind.
i couldn't talk. i don't know how i was walking. i don't know if it was a dream or if it really happened.
i'm hoping it was an hallucination, which is a side effect of the meds, along with slurred speech, sharp stabbing pains in my arms, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness, numbness, and my favorite a decrease in sexual ability.

i had all the above and according to the internet i should have gone to the emergency room.
but instead i think i tried and failed miserably to have sex with scott.
and i was so looking forward to it.
i don't even know if he popped my ass cherry.
it's not like i could feel it, i couldn't feel anything.
i was high, i was numb.

i did pass out.
and i woke up with no migraine.
so that part worked.
but i threw them in trash
the side effects aren't worth it.

i sent scott a fb apology.
if he was here i really fucked it up.
i think i give up.
we shouldn't have to work this hard to be together.
i'm too lazy for it.

for once i am wishing it was monday already

scott said monday he's coming down and staying awhile. he has frustrations to work out.
him and me both!!! i saw him alot today and it killed me not to be able to touch him.
i just wanted to stroke his goatee and kiss is bald head, but i couldn't.
his son gave me a hug and was playing with sophie the puggle.
sophie loves the kids and they were out in full force today.

i had a very boring tedious frustrating week.
the kid keeps whining about the car, she can't get the stick thing down.
she keeps stalling out, it took her a 1/2 hour to get the car into reverse.
scott is willing to switch out the manual for the jeep he has which is an automatic,
but it's more money and he wants me to pay for all the title switching.
i told the kid to drive it home wednesday and we'd talk it over.
she says she's concerned for her saftey.

thursday after work i had a drink or 10 down at the other neighbor who was always wanting to touch my boobs.
i made a pass at him, i was really agressive, the more he turned me down the more i drank.
he wouldn't even kiss me, seriously, all i got was a bible brochure for the jehovah witness'
he's trying to get right with God. that's cool.

it's not the most creative excuse i've gotten from a man turning me down for sex,
my fave was i think i'm gay, then the very next year he married another woman.
why can't guys just say i don't want to have sex with you because your fat and ugly.

i felt so rejected, i called his bluff and he didn't even nibble.
and i showed him my boobies again.
i said look at them, why did you think they looked like gum drops?
he said, well now that i see them really well they're better then gum drops.
i laughed and laughed.

i came home and puked.
i passed out for 4 hours then woke up after midnight.
i couldn't get back to sleep so i signed into work around 3AM.
by the time i went to the ob/gyn at 9 i had work almost a whole day.
so friday i took it easy and rested then worked 2 - 4.

if scott doesn't show up monday i'm going to be so pissed off.
i have to pee on a little stick every morning to see if i'm ovulating.
then i have to have sex within 24-36 hours after the stick is positive.
if i don't ovulate in a month or by my next period i have to go back to the doctor
and she's going to put me on a pill that will cause me to ovulate.
it's a fertility drug, i told her i don't want to be an octomom, just one or two is cool.
she said the chance for twins does increase, but triplets are rare.
so i hope i am still ovulating.

i bought the cutest little pair of baby booties.
they are green and yellow striped with little yellow duckies on them.
i kiss them then rub them on my belly.
i have no idea why i do that, i'm hoping it'll bring me luck.
i like the name jack samuel for a boy.
i like the name savannah colleen for a girl.
it's all on scott, he's the one that's going to knock me up, i just know it.

A Car, A Boy, and Sex

wow, thursday afternoon began a crazy weekend. scott showed up to get his money for the car.
he threw me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, got busy, pulled my hair and choked me.
i ain't ever been taken like that and i LIKED it!!! damn!

after work i went and got the kid and her boyfriend. he's okay. of course, i'm not going to be crazy about the boy that took my daughter's virginity, but he's better then that douche she dated in high school. she's very bossy with him, but he stands up to her, which is exactly what she needs. but feeding them is expensive, not to mention she went to the doctor friday and she has bronchitis and a sinus infection, so i had to get her meds too. and he's got a cough, so i bought him cough drops and cough meds. he's going to the doctor next weekend. sophie the puggle really likes him, cuz he pets her all the time.

friday, scott came over and we went over to his best friends' house to get the title on the car. his friend and his wife seemed really nice. i didn't talk much, i just observed. he and scott have been best friends for over 15 years.
scott says he moved to ohio because his best friend did. and scott introduced his best friend to his wife when he worked with his wife. they're really close.

i wondered if they liked scott's current live in girlfriend. and if they like me or not. scott and i just talked while we were in the car. it was nice. we usually are busy fooling around and don't really talk.

i told him my kid is bossy with her boyfriend and he said she's dominant then, and i said, yes she takes after me.
he couldn't stop laughing, he said you aren't dominant, and i said i usually am the dominant one, but i'm not with you.
he is the exception to my one rule, to not be submissive to a man or let him have power over me.

he has shattered my one rule to a million pieces.

he didn't believe that i'm normally the dominant one in a relationship. if he talked to anyone i've dated in the past, except bret, he'd see different. i had such high hopes for bret being my one exception, but he was NOT dominant in the bedroom. it was a let down.

so saturday i went and got the temp tags for the car, my driver's license renewed, and my registration done. a very expensive trip, and next month to get the plates and registration on the new car is $110. my kid is always costing me money, but i love her.

we had to jump start the car because it had been sitting for a week. i put $20 of gas in it then they followed me to the dog park, because it has a huge parking lot for the kid to learn to drive the manual car in it. they let sophie play at the dog park then they practised driving. she keeps stalling it and had trouble with 3rd and 4th gear.

so i asked scott to come down and take her out for a driving lesson without the boyfriend. they were gone about an hour. he said she can do it, she just has to focus, he had her on a hill and she did fine. so he said let her drive to wal-mart with me in the car and don't say anything.

his exact words to me "get in, hold on, shut up"

i did that and the boyfriend kept talking. we almost rolled back into a car. so they did a chinese fire drill at a light. but it's progress!!!!

today they go have lunch with the boyfriend's mom, she hasn't met him yet. then they go back to campus. i told her she has to keep gas in the car. i will have my peace and quiet back by 3pm, yipee!!!!

just in time for me to sign into work!

so relieved

i've lost 50 pounds since this time last year. i've lost 9 pounds since i was at the doctor in septemember. my sugar went down from 6.4 in september to the 6.1 the ob/gyn did last week. my doctor was so proud of me, she hugged me.

she told me to stay motivated through the holidays and she'd see me in feb and she's confident if i keep exercising and losing weight my sugar will drop back down below 6 which is normal.

i told her i was confused on carbs and how many i should eat a day. she told me to keep the carbs under 120 per day and to make them come from fruits, whole grains, and vegtables. she says i'm doing everything right and it's just going to take more time. she said she'd be thrilled if i could just take off 20 more pounds.

i feel so much better now. i was all worked up about it. i got my flu shot too.

i feel great and healthy. my fms, mood swings, and general blahness is gone for the most part. i told her the sugar thing had been depressing me, but she was encouraging and confident that i could get it under control with no medications.

this is such happy happy news!!!
life is looking good right now.
i can do this, this is my year!!!

woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.

The Internet took a nap this morning

wow, my internet went down for like 20 minutes. i was in a panic. i was thinking i forgot to pay the bill. i was going to have to drive into the office. then it just came back, after turning everything off and unplugging the cable from the wall for 30 seconds and then rebooting. i can't function without the internet. i miss it. i work from home using it three days a work. i google everything!!!! the internet has become an extremely critical piece of my life. my dad doesn't have it, so i know you can live without it, but not when you're a computer programmer, that just doesn't work!!!

friday got even worse. scott never showed or facebooked me to tell me he wasn't going to show. so i got really depressed and wee bit angry at him. i just want him to follow through. if he tells me he's coming over then come over, even if it's a minute! or at least facebook me and tell me you can't make it. he frustrates the crap out of me. i ignored him intentionally when i saw him out saturday working on his car, i wouldn't even make eye contact with him or his little bunny. i did send the kid up there to ask about when we are switching titles on the car and he said he'd come down and talk about it later. i told my kid to not hold her breath cause you can't believe a word out of his mouth. he's a liar and cheater. i know all that and i still want him to fuck me. i figure his sperm is the best shot i got at getting pregnant. he's already got 7 kids so i know he's loaded and fully able to produce a child. and he's not a bad guy, he's just a selfish irresponsible snake in the grass and aren't most men that have that many kids with 6 different women always like that. i don't want to marry him, i just want him to help me reproduce. much more fun then a sperm bank or a turkey baster

well i think my ignoring him bothered him, so he came down twice on sunday while she was home and we screwed around again. this time there was penetration though, so that's progress. he says there's things he wants to do to me that he doesn't think i'm ready for. he is rough and dominate. that's different for me. usually with sex i'm the aggressive one. so it's nice to let him be the boss. but i am breaking my one rule, letting a man have control over me or dominion so to say. but when he touches me the world exists in only one plane and there's only one thought and it's so amazing and beautiful the way i can just feel him in me and on me. like heaven!!! and he smells so good and tastes wonderful. i want to lick every hairy inch of his sexy beastness. but i digress.

the car switch over takes place saturday nov. 12th. he's worried if the kid wrecks the car i won't give him the rest of the money on dec. 16th. he's really been screwed over in the past by some women and i'm sure he's done his fair share of screwing women over too. i told him that wouldn't be his fault and i'd pay the rest of the money even if she wrecked it. i am a woman of my word!!!

Pin Cushion Day

went for my yearly female doctor visit and got poked like a pin cushion.
i am trying to have a baby now, i ain't getting any younger ya know.
so i had to get a vaccination for whooping cough, a flu shot, and blood taken to make sure all is right with my fertility.
i am not pregnant, but i've not had a period sine the last one ended sept. 4th.
i have to go back in a couple of weeks and if i still haven't started she will give me a shot to start my period again.
i'm ready to have a baby.
i'm looking forward to having a little one again.
i had hoped when i was married to have at least two, but that didn't work out.
now i am apply my ability to single mindly focus on things to conceiving.
wish me luck!

I hate to wait

so i'm home working this afternoon waiting on fed ex to deliver my new ipod with the fitness application.
i'm so anxious. i was so worried that since it shipped to the wrong place i'd never get it.
but luckily they rerouted before the first delivery attempt and now it is on its way to me!!!

i'm not a patient person.
i hate to wait.
i tie myself up in a ball of anxious energy.

once the ipod arrives that is one less thing for me to be waiting on.

the naughty neighbor, scott, has my undivided attention at the moment.
i am waiting on him, he said soon, is that tomorrow, or friday.
it's usually fridays, it was this past friday.

we were talking about the car and then somehow we ended up on the living room floor with me riding him.
how come i'm the only one that ends up naked?
we dry humped, how high school is that!
then we went into the 1/2 bath where he reached climax during a titty fuck.
i have yet to get off.
this is a very lop sided sexual relationship thus far.
it's been going on since the beginning of august, so for three months now, he's managed to keep me hanging on.
we've done oral sex, titty fucks, made out, he gave me hickey's, he's come on me multiple times,
but alas, i have not come once, he's not pentrated me once, or ate me out once.
what the hell am i doing here?

when he touches me my mind shuts off, it's like heaven,
i go from a million spinning thoughts to none.
he's like a drug, and i'm so addicted.
i'm not ashamed,
i think i'm sexually frustrated, so i asked him when and he said soon.
oh, i do hope i'm not disappointed.
there's so much hype here with our sexual chemistry.

199 and going down!

friday, a month ahead of my 39th birthday, i reached my 199 pound goal. I have 34 more pounds until i reach my final goal of 165 pounds.
i am walking, working out on the wii, watching what i eat, and wearing a size 14.
i am rocking it out!!!

i have to stay dedicated and focused.
these next two months are a critical time.
there will be temptation everywhere.
i cannot let myself give in to old habits.

it's bad enough i can't contain my desires.
the naughty neighbor and i were talking all business, the car i'm buying off of him.
then it took a turn toward the scandalous and we had another "moment"
he called me monica and i said okay bill.
his only dilemma seems to be us living in the same apartment complex.
you aren't supposed to cheat where you live.
so he has no issue with cheating on his live in girlfriend at all.
i found that interesting.

i would like to graduate to actually having all of his clothes off.
and real sex would be nice.
but i'm just enjoying these moments.
it's not like anyone else is knocking down my door.

bret is over and done for good this time.
i care about him, but he takes out his life's frustrations on me.
then he is just brutally mean to me.
and i'm too sensitive to the critisicms to take anymore.
it's not my fault his house got robbed, his daughter has walking pnemonia, and his landlord is evicting him for not paying rent.
but when i tried to take his mind off of it, he snapped my head off.
i don't know what else i can do or say.
i told him i was sorry and i hoped his kid made a quick recovery and i felt bad for him
and if he needed anything to let me know.
i can't do anything right with him and i'm tired of trying.

A Mishap at the Dentist

Today i went to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist. The dental hygenist can't get the water pick to work. So I have to rinse out with a cup. No big deal.
So she starts polishing my teeth and i feel something cold and wet on my legs and private area.
the water pick is shooting a steady stream of cold water onto my legs and private area.
she starts freaking out, grabs the water pick and drops it into the sink and runs out to get me a towel.
the water pick is shooting water up and out of the sink onto my chart and soaking it.
so i grab my chart and move it then i move the water pick so the water is going down into the sink.
she's really agitated now, but i can't stop laughing.
this type of thing happens to me all the time!!!

thankfully, i had on the track pants, but they were soaked and so were my panties.
i got home and changed, and hoped that was the most eventful part of my day, but it wasn't.

i ordered me a birthday present, a brand new ipad nano with the fitness chip in it.
it'll clip on and track your workouts, which i think is cool.
i double checked the address i saw on the screen and placed my order.
30 minutes later i checked my email and saw the confirmation email and the shipping address wasn't my current address!!!!
it's my old address, but the bill to address is correct.
the only address i was asked to verify was the bill to address, i thought i had checked the box that said use the bill to address as the ship to address, but guess not.

and the best part in less then 30 minutes it's already in shipping status so i can't change it.
i call the help line in a panic, i'm freaking out man,
the tech said she can't change it, but she put in notes to reroute it to my correct address.
i told her it's an apartment, what if they sign my name for it.
she says to watch the tracking on it, and if they sign my name for the delivery, i would call back and open a case, and i'd have to file fraud and theft charges against them to get a new one sent to me for no additional costs.

luckily, i still had my old landlords email address.
and luckily, he still reads his email and uses it and owns the property.
he contacted the current residents and asked them to refuse the delivery so it could reroute to me
and they agreed.

so here's hoping this rerouting thing works next week and i get my new ipod.
all my information is now correct up at apple.
the ipod is even engraved with my motto of inspiration, never quit, never surrender!
yes, i know i got it from galaxy quest, but i like it.

but i'm starting to wonder if bret's bad luck is contagious or if i'm so distracted by sexual thoughts of scott, what else am i gonna screw up
i got to get rid of these men, they are going to be the death of me.

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)

so sick of driving

wow, i put 649 miles on the car and spent $600 bucks this weekend.
Friday was getting the kid from college, doing her laundry, and taking her to the sprint store to replace her blackberry which got wet and died.
so we upgraded her to the i phone (she's in love with it) and we upgraded my dad to a phone with big buttons.
so early merry christmas to both of them.
$208 at the sprint store, but i have to buy stamps to send a $50 rebate.
she had my number until sunday afternoon and i'm still getting texts and calls from her college buddies.
i did her laundry, picked up her prescription and we bought her groceries.

saturday we headed to indiana to great uncle dave's 80th birthday party.
we had to go through richmond to get to hoagland
so we picked up my neice and her boyfriend.
then we went to see my cousins in richmond before we headed to the hog roast.
i spent 8 hours in the car on saturday.
my back still hurts and my ass is still clenched.
but i got to see alot of family that i hadn't seen in 10 years.
and damn, we age well!!!
my cousin gave me the motivation i needed to get my last pounds off,
she reminded me how stubborn we are as a family,
and when we make up our minds to do something we get it done.
so i'm renewed.
great uncle dave is going to hike the grand canyon AGAIN!!!
awesome!
i had cousin tim's homemade BBQ sauce.
boy, did i reqret that around 3AM the next morning.

today was getting gab back to the sprint store so she could get her phone # back and stop using mine.
taking her back to college and unloading her.
a grocery trip for me, eggs, cheese, milk, fruit, veggies and soup.
i am focused and driven to meet by goal by my 39th birthday (nov. 28th)
my goal was to be under 200 LBS (199) but now I want 195, i have 10 pounds!!!
I did 2 miles walking friday night, saturday before we left, and today after i got back from dropping off the kid.

i'm focusing on myself and my health.
if the naughty neighbor comes around we will see what happens.
he's lived with his little bunny since feb. and we started are fucking around in early august.
she said it's like dating herself and it's so normal, i almost yawned.
i asked isn't that boring and she said there's enough twist that it's okay.
he and i have such passion and chemistry, it's a damn shame we aren't exploring that on a regular basis.
but i can't get wrapped around this and let it consume me.
i do deserve better.
i jokingly told her about when gab asked if scott and i were having sex cuz i patted him on the shoulder
and i told her no, you'll get my ass kicked by his woman.
and she laughed and said i know that wouldn't happen.
like he wouldn't cheat on her or he just wouldn't cheat with me???
i am offended.
she has no fucking clue that he comes down here and we fuck around.
NONE. if she's that fucking clueless she deserves it.
she went on and on on how if he cheated or wanted an open relationship she'd be gone.
after i get what i want she might just get an ear full.

I love hard cider

it is raining like crazy crazy cold rain.
so i thought, what's good on a cold, dreary, depressing rainy day, answer, booze!!!
so i went to the store and i bought an orchard of hard ciders, a variety pack, of 4 different kinds,
and of course, i got a six pack of my fave, strongbow, God bless England!!!

so i told scott (aka the naughty neighbor) our little "chats" are done.
i did it the coward's way, i facebook'd msg'd him, giggles!
and i've been avoiding him, because i know that if he touches me i will cave.
and i have to be strong, i deserve better!!!

i've been such a bad bad girl today.
i had a good healthy lunch and breakfast.
it was the snacks that got me, cookies, pumpkin donuts, and brownies, yums...
and then i topped off with kfc for dinner.
i'm no angel, but i can't go off the rails now.
i've worked too hard and come too far.

so tomorrow i climb back on the work horse.
i hit the wii, if it's still raining, i hit the wii hard, for an hour.
if i have do 15 minutes at a time i will, but i will get my exercise in.
i stocked up on fruit, eggs, cheese, and milk.
so i got my essentials.

now i just got to focus, buckle down, and get the job done, only 35 more pounds to go.
i can do it!!!

the microwave is alive!

i was putting in gab's old college microwave so i'd have one until i could replace the newer one that i had thought was dead.
i plugged in the small one and it didn't work.
so i grabbed a little light i have and plugged into all the kitchen plugs and ALL 3 kitchen plugs to the left of the stove don't work and the 3 to the right of the stove do.
so i went and got the newer microwave and plugged into one of the plugs that work and it's ALIVE!!!
i did me a major happy dance and squealed with delight.
i am so happy i don't have to buy a new microwave.
i called the office and they opened a work order for the maintenance guy to come see why those 3 plugs died.
i use them all the time for the toaster and the can opener.
hopefully it is something he can fix easily.

met a man yesterday over at a neighbor's, we were clicking and so my other neighbor asked him if he liked me and yup, he's got a girlfriend.
dag nab it, i can't catch any breaks when it comes to the men i dig!

i am eating healthy but i've gain back 3 of the 7 pounds i've lost since i can eat and not throw up.
i'm working out and walking every day now.
my goals are the same, health is my priority over everything else now.

i'm getting all my ducks in a row!

manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

This morning i had to tell the guy i didn't want to go out with him anymore it just wasn't clicking for me.
he said okay, i wished him good luck and that is done!
i thought that was easy.
he was so pushy on the first date, but with the migraine i dismissed it as me be overly sensitive.
he came back early from being out of town so we went out last night again.
and he was really really being pushy.

and it wasn't my migraine, he really isnt' funny but he thinks he is.
he kept poking me, and touching me with his feet (shoes on, so gross)
he just kept trying to force me to cuddle or snuggle or something.
i do NOT like it when a man tries to force closeness on me.
that is something that should come naturally.

by the time he left i didnt' want him to touch me EVER again.
he was just pushing things too hard, trying to push intimacy and familiarity when there was none.
the conversations were stilted and didn't flow well.
we just didn't not connect on any level!!!

i am having no luck at with this online dating.
i cancelled pof and zoosk.
i told them why, every guy i go out with wants to grope me and push sex on me.
i am very clear i want to ease into a relationship and get to know somone because i am looking for a long term relationship.
appearantly, no on knows what the definition of that is, so i googled it and for my review it is..

Long term relationship is a common, contemporary term for intimate interpersonal relationships that may be lifelong and may or may not consist in marriage. Long term relationships are considered the opposite of casual relationships, which tend to be short in duration. The notation "LTR" is used to designate "long term relationship" in "personals" advertisements

the guy i want to be having a LTR with i can't have because he's in a LTR wtih somebody else. (scott)
the guy i fell in love with before him loves me to death, but he isn't in love with me and only wants to EVER be friends. (bret)
and the guy before that married me and treated me like shit.

i say i'm striking out all over the place.

and the cherry on top of all this man cake, the microwave, that we bought less then a year ago, shorted out!!!
now i'm manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

migraine took its toll

i got on the wii this morning and since tuesday i've lost 7.3 pounds due to my migraine.
i couldn't keep food down, it was either coming out of one end or the other.
now i'm trying to ease my way back into food.
i just had some cucumbers and water.
i have to go to the grocery.
i know i need to kick start my weight loss again because it had stalled, but this is NOT what I had in mind.

taking it easy this weekend.
it's going to be cold and rainy.
i'm going to clean and just avoid certain if not all people.
i'm going to get a hair cut.
and possibly color my hair.

here's hoping to a peaceful and relaxing weekend.

Migraine Free Friday

woke up migraine free and slept thru the night as well. this has been a good friday for me.
picked the kid and one of her friends up from college so she could go to the doctor.
it's a lot of driving, so i saw scott was home and stopped up to see if the kid could take a look at his car that he's selling.
i don't want to shell out the money and she not want it.
he was all scruffy, i was like focus focus, not on the sex, but on the car, so hard.
he was tired cuz he had to drive a truck last night and he's been up over 24 hours straight.
i told him i had done nearly 48 hours with no sleep this past week so i feel for him.
he showed the kid the car and she likes it.
she has to practice driving a stick down at college on this boy's truck.
i told him i could buy it by the end of the year.
i have to save up the money.
it's not a lot, but it's a lot to come up with at one time.

i'm going to haul the kids back to college then i'm coming home and relaxing!!!
happy friday every one!

the migraine is winning

i went on a date last night, me and my migraine.
he was sweet. i had toast and scrambled eggs since i've not been able to eat much.
by the time he picked me up i'd been up nearly 40 hours.
i tried to be engaging, but i can't really remember much about what he said.
he insisted i try a ibprofun pm and we went to kroger's and he bought me a small bottle.
he insisted i had to take 3.
i gave him a hug and we made tentative plans to go out again next week (he's out of town over the weekend)

he left and i got so sick. my dinner didn't not stick around to put it in the least grossest terms i can think of.
i took a hot shower, 3 of the pm tablets and hoped for the best.
i laid down at 9, last look at the clock was 10:38, i woke up at 2:14am sicker then when i went to bed.
i got sick again, and my migraine was worse.
i tried to go back to sleep, around 5AM i drifted off for almost 2 hours.
but my migraine is winning.
if it's not gone tomorrow i'm going to have to cave and go to urgent care for a shot.
i hate this one, it's the worst migraine i've had in years.

i don't even remember his last name. he did text me this morning to see how i was.
he thought for sure the pm pills would work cuz it works on his migraines.
i told him my body reacts to medication differently from most people.
it tends to wear off faster, he asked if i was superwoman, i said nope, just a cuzin.

he seemed nice, maybe next time we go out i won't feel like shit!

A sleepless night

can't sleep, it's 1:21 am, i just finished 30 minutes of exercise on the wii. i'm just now feeling tired and sweaty. i'm going to try and take a hot shower and sleep. I hope i get some sleep. if i can't sleep off a migraine it gets worse. and i wasn't able to even nap today. it's one of the ones where i close my eyes and it just squeezes my brain tighter, like a boa contricter, with every breath, it squeezes tighter until i have to get up and move because i feel like i can't breathe.

i have so many thoughts spinning around my head. it's like a chaotic gravity defying merry go round filled with men and situations. what i want, what i need, and never what i actaully have. i romantize my situations. these men don't love me. they want me. they want to control me, dominant me. i am alone, alway alone.

Hate migraines

woke up 3am with a migraine. had to come home at lunch and lie in the dark with an ice pillow around my neck. took alieve and excederine migraine to no avail. haven't been able to sleep it off either. i just can't get comfortable. my house is completely dark, except for the computer screen. i had to log in and do some work. i am lucky i can work from home when these hit. it's easier to be at home and be able to turn out all the lights. darkness and silence are king when i have a migraine.

i've been working hard to get a date. using the pof site. made some contacts. had to make it clear to one of them so far that i'm not putting out on the first date. i deserve a meaningful long term monogamous relationship. if i just want to get laid i got a neighbor or three that would kindly oblige me. but i want to cuddle, go do stuff together, have lame disagreements on which actor was in which movie. u know, the coupledom crap. i miss it. it's been a long time since i've been in a real relationship.

i tried to push bret into a real relationship as he reminded me on our last phone call. he only wants friends with benefits. sure the benefits package is swell, but i deserve more!!!

Die Monday Die!!!

today sucked!!! this monday was nothing but disappointment, bad news, problems, errors, and just bullshit!!!

bret's court date got cancelled, so i won't see him this week at all :(
he sounded super bummed too, he really just wants to get back to living his life with him and his daughter,
his custody battle has been going on since jan.
no wonder people take justice into their own hands, our court system moves way too slow!!!
i was so looking forward to seeing him and getting laid!
i'm selfish i know.
i want him to get what he wants too.
i still care about him alot and i only want goodness and happiness in his life.

i have to work saturday, so i can't go to my baby cousins 5th birthday party again.
my jewish co-worker seems to only be jewish when she gets the day off.
it is her turn to work the weekend, but it's the holiest of holy days for the jewish faith and there's no work.
lovely! i have to work christian holidays if that's what is required of my job.
i'm sick of having to work around her religon, she doesn't work around mine!
she eats bacon for God's sake!!!
and didn't even know if the kid she adopted was automatically jewish or had to be converted!
work is frustrating to me right now.
that is what happens when everything is due all at the same time!

then there's jackie, the perv neighbor that keeps wanting to touch my boobies.
i was all wound up friday thinking scott (the naughty neighbor) and i were finally going to have sex
and i flashed jackie, i had on no bra.
he said my boobs looked like GUM DROPS!!!
then he wanted me to show them to his roommate and kept talking about them to his roommate.
his roommate says he's never heard him talk about boobies like that before.
i know i can't keep a secret, but i thought a man could, sheesh!
he's cut off!!!!

so scott (the naughty neighbor) shows up thursday, we have our usual make out, grab ass fest,
then he says he's coming down friday to fuck me hard.
he doesn't show...AGAIN!!!
so sick of that man getting me all wound up and then nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!!!!
he tells me sunday that he had to work late.
i was like it happens.
i really don't care anymore.
the next time he comes around i'm just going to go NO, sorry, not interested.
unless he touches me then i cannot tell him no.
damn it!!!

i need to pull my head out my ass and start seriously applying myself to finding a long term exclusive relationship with a good man.
easy right!!!

A Sweet Sunday

i've walked 5 miles today. i worked out on the wii for 30 minutes today. i had chili. sophie got to go to the dog park. i got my scriptures read. now i'm watching the browns lose :(

today has been a simple and sweet sunday. my right hip hurts a little from a new yoga position i added to my wii routine, the downward facing dog. it is harder then i thought it would be and maybe i'm just way too dirty minded, but every time i do the downward facing dog i think about either bret or scott coming up behind me and banging me. it's me right, i'm too horny!

i got to get my head out of my ass when it comes to men. i'm unrealistic. the men i want only want me because they already have someone else.

i've really got myself screwed up right now. i can't ever seem to achieve any balance in my life, ironic, since i physically have a balance disorder. or is that just an unfortunate happenstance?

i've been making a series of bad decisions of late and i need to snap out of it.

i will survive, i always do, but i tire of the struggle!

Happy to Be not Expecting Anything

I love not being pregnant. Yes, babies are cute. Yes, kids are funny. But i did that, been there, mine is 20 years old and out the door, PRAISE JESUS!!!

I love children, but I really love them when they aren't mine. I can't imagine starting over with the midnight feedings, the stinky green gooey diaper changes, the drool, the potty training. The puberty years. I hate the puberty years. I hated mine. I hated my kids. I think puberty is hell on earth.

I have a grand dog, sophie the puggle, and she's all the baby i want ever again!

i got all these men sniffing around me. I've lost 8 more pounds. My body is morphing into a shape it hasn't been in since college.
i want a man to love, to hold, to rub my back and laugh when i fall over for the first time and then the 100th time. I fall alot!!!
if i could find a man that can be honest without being mean and has a sense of humor that would be great.
i enjoy simple stuff, watching a movie, running around the house, even vacuuming can be fun if you try to make up song and dance while you are doing it.
FYI on that, don't use the cord like a whip, it comes out of the plug and that just ruins the moment.

yes, i dance around naked.
yes, i can't pronounce femininity and about 100 other words.
yes, i'm crazy.
yes, i'm moody.

but i'm an all or nothing person.
when i love a man i give it my all.
so why is it so hard to capture that and hold it together in pretty picture frame?

Rainy Monday's Just Suck

it is another monday, and it is pouring rain. so i think i will be working out today on the wii.
a pregnancy test was negative, yipee!!!
if i still haven't started next week, i'll take one more just to be sure.
but i am relieved not to be pregnant.
my body i think is just adjusting to all the healthy eating, exercising, and running around i am doing.

i walked 5 miles yesterday. the dog walked 3 of it with me at the dog park.
my house is clean.
my laundry is down.
i watched Heathers and National Treasure yesterday.
i read my scriptures.

i tried to take some video of a goat that was running around our apt. complex on saturday, but i didn't hit the right buttons.
Sophie, the puggle, hates goats!

don't aske my why there was a goat in our apt. complex, i don't know where the goat came from, i don't know why it was loose.
it was shear chaos and i had to ask myself out loud, was that a goat that just ran by!!!
it was short, black, and had huge curled horns.
again, the dog, hated it and was going nuts barking, growling, just freaking out.
a kid caught it and helped it's owners take it back to their car (who drives around with a goat in a little honda car???)
and sophie normally loves this kid, he went to pet her, stinking of the goat, and sophie barked and growled at him.
i thought she was going to bite him.
i told him i don't think she knows it is you, since you reek of the goat.
the owner's gave the kid $20 for catching the goat.

still baffled over it tho, i see some weird shit around here!!!

Got me some Blues!

i am depressed today. i think i might be pregnant. that would definitely be a shocking surprise. i've been nauseated alot and i went to make a ham sandwich the other day and the ham grossed me out and i puked. now i can't eat meat at all, i can't even look at it. i was like that when i was preggers with my 20 year old with eggs.

so i'm suddenly a vegatarian and worried that i'm preganant. i will test this sunday and if i am i am. i know bret will freak. it's not like i was trying to get pregnant. thank goodness the neighbor guy and i never had sex. i swear i would never be one of those woman that don't know who the father of her baby was.

maybe it's nerves or something. i'm so tired too. and i walk but i don't get any energy from it. i just need to remain calm. i'll test this sunday and next and if i'm still late, but the tests say i'm not pregnant, i go for my yearly woman doctor visit the end of october.

baby stuff is too cute tho.

The Dog Poop incident

This apartment complex constantly reminds me why I no longer want any children!

Yesterday, I'm doing my laps. I do lap one with no problems. I am doing a lap in less then 3 minutes. I round the corner of lap two and I see Butter the dog with one of his little child owners running away from some bushes in front of the apartments ahead of me. I'm thinking great, the kid let the dog crap in the bushes. But that's not a huge deal, I've never seen either child (there are 2) walking that dog ever carry a bag to pick up the poop -- NEVER!!!

So I'm walking along, and a different child waves to me and starts talking, so I slow down and take my ear bud out and turn my head so I can hear what she is saying and I step in fresh dog poop!!! I nearly fall!!! I am annoyed!! I go wash my shoe off and i flag the apartment manager down and show her the poop, we can be fined for not picking it up. I tell her it was Butter, the little girl pipes in that she saw it too and DJ was walking Butter.

So the apt. manager goes and talks to the kid and his Dad. I'm standing by the poop, which is now EVERYWHERE, so the kid knows where to clean it up. I even get him a bag and some paper towels. He comes around the corner and says I don't see it and walks off!!! Little Fucker!!!

So I tell the apt. manager he didn't clean it up. So now she has to call his Mom. I see him and say, go clean up your dog's poop. he won't look at me but he says my dog didn't do that. I tell him, I saw you and your dog there right before I stepped in it. I KNOW it was YOUR DOG!!! And he looks at the ground and says NO it wasn't. I tell him to stop lying and just go pick it up. He runs off with all his little friends. Now I am PISSED OFF!!!

So the apt manager threatens to fine his family $50 and he goes 1/2 assed cleans it up (he's like 8-9 years old) and then he fails to get the bag and paper towels in the dumpster. At this point I am so frustrated and disappointed in the whole situation that I go in to really really clean my shoe, cuz it's even on the top part of it. And my shoes are fairly new and they were expensive!!! I didn't even get a mile walk in.

Now I'm just going to walk while the kids are at school. When they are here I'll go to the dark park or next door where people actually WATCH their kids and not let them run WILD!!! I swear, it is like fucking Lord of the Flies over here at times. They don't get out of the way when a car comes. They get into your stuff. They walk right into your garage if the door is open. I'm DONE!!!

I'm going to start looking around to see if I can find a house to rent or lease to own or something. I'm so fucking sick of neighbor kids!!!

On the upside, this morning I went to the doctor and lost 8 more pounds!!!

Enjoying the Peace and Quiet

yesterday was busy all morning. got the kid moved in to her dorm. she found out there's no cable. her roommate didn't move in until today.
my neice looks better. she's stilil really really weak. it could take her months to get her strenght back. but she's feeling better. we talked alot about what has been happening with her. she's got a bright future, it's sad she let her ex cloud her thinking to the point where she could not see it.
but i have high hopes she's ready to move on and forward to bigger and better people, things, and blessings.

celebrated the empty house by dancing around in the nude. after a half hour i got cold and put a some clothes on. but i enjoyed and reveled in the moment. went to the grocery and got lots of healthy food. grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery, whole wheat bread, lean turkey, and still walked 2 miles. it was a productive day.
today not so much. i only had until 2pm to do whatever i wanted to do then i had to work.

took the dog to the dog park. walked me 3 miles. came home, cleaned a little then it was time to sign on :( and even as i write this, i'm still logged onto work, i'm waiting for the patches to be installed to fix a problem we've had with weights and volumes on shipments showing correctly in the system. then after that, hopefully, i will be able to start all the jobs back up and get off the work computer.

i'm excited. the weight loss is going well. the kid is off doing her own thing. even though i'm alone, i'm not sad about it. life is good right now.

The Big Day

tomorrow is my kid's big day. she goes back off to college after one year off due to financial difficulties. she is excited, packed, and ready to roll in the morning.
i love her and want her to succeed. i am being supportive. these are big changes, last time she spent a year away at college i didn't do much with my life. i sat around the house and watched tv. that's not an option for me this time.

now i'm losing weight, feeling great, single and ready to mingle. i'm getting out and talking to people. next saturday i hope to go out with some neighbors and have a drink or two. i have to relearn how to have fun with adults and have an adult conversation. i've been a full time mom as long as i've been an adult. i was so depressed the first year she went away, but i'm not depressed anymore.

i'm going to seize this day and all the days after it. life is too short to pine for what could have been.

i will begin dating on sunday. watch out, i'm going out!!!

Suicide Isn't Painless

my neice overdosed intentionally on xanax and tylenol. she passed out head first into a wall. she's in the hospital last night on suicide watch. all because she finally managed to break up with her off and on douche bag of a boyfriend and he and his new little girlfriend and her little friends are bullying her at school. when my neice finally went to a teacher, the 5 other kids claimed my niece was the trouble maker, 5 against 1, nice. my brother and my neice's mom are going to file a formal complaint with the school today. i swear that boy needs to have his head bashed in. he's been nothing but a source of pain and misery for my neice since the 8th grade. his little girlfriend and her posse threatened to kill her. now my niece is depressed and super scary thin from all the stress.

it doesn't help that my brother has like a fucking pharmacy right in his kitchen. he doesn't need all his pills either, just like my mom didn't need all of hers, just like i didn't need all of mine. the pills just make the world go away. you get numb, become a zombie, that's always got to go lay down and sleep. that is exactly what my brother was doing when my neice decided she just wanted it to all go away too.

now my brother is going to have to lock up all his meds, i'd rather he flush them, but he does have some health issues, but i don't think they require 25 pills twice a day!!!! he's even going to lock up the tylenol. my neice put on face book a goodbye and that she had taken alot of pills and her dad was asleep. i called my dad to go over there. he called me back and said they had woken her up and she claimed to have only take 2 tylenol and 1 xanax. so my dad and brother tallked to her and she went back to bed.

then at 12:30 am this morning my Dad calls me and tells me he's at the hospital and that my neice had gotten back up and taken more xanax and more tylenol because she didn't feel any better. my brother made her throw up and he called an ambulance. she was staying in the hospital for the watch and observation. her face is all bruised up from the fall.

my neice is beautiful, smart, funny, good, quiet, sincere, helpful and sweet. her life is priceless. i know depression runs in our family, but when you try to kill yourself the pain you are trying to get rid of just gets put onto the shoulders and hearts of the ones you love. suicide doesn't solve anything, trust me i had my moment too.
we will get my neice through this!!!

Holding my breath

i feel suspended in mid-air like my life is getting ready to take a giant leap forward.
my kid is off to school on Saturday. i am dating again.

i feel like i've been holding my breath waiting for the perfect moment to exhale,
but there's never been a perfect moment for me.

work is crazy right now, but i don't feel drained.
there's a fire in me now.
i feel invigorated.
i didn't know exercise could have such an impact on my emotions.
the walking is progressing and i'm challenging myself more.
i'm adding wii thursday - monday 30 minutes a day to tone and strengthen me.

when i go to bed at night i'm exhausted, but from having my muscles worked.
i'm not depresssed anymore.
i feel accomplished and content.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i'm excited instead of scared.
i am really loving my life right now.

10 years later

9/11/11 - 10 years have past, but it could be a 100 years and the pain lingers, you will not be forgotten.

Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. ~ Rossiter W. Raymond

we must remember, keep the pain close, and hold onto it, pass it down, and let our children's children know the heartache. remembering is the only way to make sure this tradgedy is never repeated. once we forget our past we open the door to repeating it's mistakes.

may peace begin within you and spread outward from you like the brightest light that no darkness can ever conquer!

Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

I can't help myself

well, i'm doing it to myself again. i let him back in. i invited him, opened the door and my legs and just took it hard, fast, slow, and over and over again. i can't say no to him. i sent him a facebook and told him i missed him and he missed me to. now he's back, but we are back to just friends that have sex sometimes. i don't want to call it friends with benefits. i don't want to label it. i don't want to have to explain it to anyone. i don't want to defend myself when it comes to him.

i was honest. i told him a part of me will always be in love with him. the weight loss made the sex even greater, which i didn't realize was possible. i tell ya he knows my buttons and he pushes them expertly. it was so hot between us. i don't know what to do. i can't put pressure on either one of us. i don't want to get married or have kids so what am i giving up just by fucking around with him. i know my heart will jump in eventually and make a mess of things, but right now i just love the way he makes me feel.

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

This kitchen Experiment Rocked Pancakes!

Took plain old generic pancake mix, added the following:
(did the 3 cups of dry mix size)
1/2 cup chopped up Granny Smith Apple
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 single serving of cinnamon applesauce
and 1 1/4 cups water

it made very thick, yummy, pancakes. it was like eating apple spice cake.
i cut the pancake into 4's and dipped it in my butter lite maple syrup.
it was FAB-U-LOUS!

My kid suggests replace apples with miniture snickers chopped up or candy bar of your choice!

i'm taking what i have left and wrapping them individually in foil and putting them in the freezer.
i am pretty sure i can take a whole month to eat them that way.

try it!!!

perfect for this rainy fall like day.
i walked my 3 miles before 10 am and tonight i will walk 2 more.
my foot has healed, thank you God!!!

i'm having a power surge today people, watch out!!!

Kitchen Experiment

the burns in my mouth are slowly healing, but they present an issue when trying to figure out what to eat. i can't have alot of foods, sticky, crunchy, hard, salty, citrus, tomatos, etc... so i saw this as an opportunity to try something new in the kitchen with whatever i had on hand.

i had ground chuck hamburger, spaghetti, cheddar cheese soup, ranch dip and country white gravy packets!!!

i mixed the hamburger with the ranch dip packet and a robust squeezy of creamy horshradish i found in the fridge and don't even remember why i bought it. i did check the date on it, it was still good. i made meatballs and baked them at 350 in the oven for 30 minutes. They ROCK!!!! try it!

i cooked the spaghetti.

then i mixed the cheddar cheese soup, 1/2 a can of skim milk, 3 tablespoons margerine, and a 1/2 tblsp. of garlic then i mixed the spaghetti in with it. it did not have enough flavor, very bland, i think next time i need to add more garlic and possibly oregano or something to it.

then i made the country white gravy with the water.

i combined all 3 together to make cheesy spaghetti with ranch meatballs and white gravy. i give it a 7 out of 10. the 3 flavors together reminded me of a casserole. so next time i might turn it into a casserole. it was kind of like those KFC chicken bowls with the gravy, taters, chicken and corn. different, but yums!!!

i followed 1 cup for the spaghetti, 1/4 cup for the gravy, and 2 meatballs per serving. I had one serving and 5 others are now in the fridge, so it makes six servings.

got some actual support work to do today then the morning is wide open, but hot hot weather again, so i think the Wii and I will work out again.
have a good one.

Mr. Sun I am so pissed off at u right now

my vitamin d is still way too low. so now i have to take 1,000 units a day plus the 50,000 units weekly. and if in 3 more months it isn't normal i have to have a bone scan to see if my bones have begun to thin. that scares the crap out of me. i have been sitting out in the sun a 1/2 hour every day in the early evening exposing as much skin as i can, i have been walking out in the sun every day with as much skin as possible exposed and it only went up 3 points from last time. I am NOT happy with Mr. Sun right now.

I hate fish. doc recommended i start eating fish like catfish, salmon, tuna with oil, my face said it all, doc was like i know u hate to eat fish. i hate to smell them, let alone eat them. they are disgusting!!!! I can't even take fish oil, it makes me sick, gives me a headache afterwards. Can you be allergic to fish?

i got another prescription to pick up and i have to find a vitamin d supplement with the 1,000 units in it! if pizza had vitamin D in it, i'd be set!

feeling good about the labor day weekend

work is going at a good clip now. getting loads done. my mouth and foot are recovering nicely from their blisters. i got blood drawn today to see if my vitamin D levels have increased. I should find that out by tomorrow afternoon. If not, i don't know what else i can do. I have been out in the sun without sunscreen to absorb vitamin d the best i can without burning. i haven't been this tanned (if u can call it that) since college. i hope it is better. i might have to start taking a daily multi-vitamin on top of the weekly vitamin d supplement. but that could be a good thing for me.

i weened myself off all medications. i go sept. 22nd to see how my chlosterol and tryglcerides are doing without the medication. i walk 2-4 miles through the weekdays and 5 miles on the weekend. i do the wii toning and strength training every thursday. i lost 2 pounds this past week. my new goal is 5 pounds over the next two weeks. i am getting all the last kinks out of my junk food cravings. when the kid heads off to school in 2 weeks the cable will be shut off and the junk food will go with her.

there's not much that tempts me, but i went to the grocery whilst pms'ing and got nutter butters, choc, chip cookies, and miniture snickers and milky ways. so far, she has eaten more then i have which is a good thing. i've been proud of my restraint. although, dipping a nutter butter into nutella is a slice of HEAVEN!!! try it!

i get to start my holiday weekend at 2pm tomorrow. i still have to keep an eye periodically on the system, but the weekend looks to be mostly work free. the kid goes to her paternal grandma's for one last visit prior to going off to hocking tech college. i drop her off 7pm tomorrow and pick her up around 5 on monday. so i'm alone!

i'm planning to go to the dog park, walk, wii, read, study scripture, and friday after i get off work i'm doing laundry and getting the house cleaning done so I don't have to do that crap during the weekend. when the kid isn't here the house stays clean. i know how to pick up after myself! the dog tends to drag out toys and she looks offended when i vacuum but i think she doesn't mind a clean house either.

i'm down to my last 12 pack of dt. soda pop. i've tried this challenge before and it was a HUGE failure! no more pop/coke/soda (etc..) this is the last 12 pack. not only will i save money (which will help with the kid at school) but my teeth with thank me. it'll be just water and skim milk. boring right, but it is what i need to do. i need to keep challenging myself. i've got the exercising going, the healthy eating is in full swing, i am working on my biggest flaws (per the people that I work with) and now i will control what i drink!!!

i'm going to go girl myself right now cuz i deserve it!!!

now i got blisters in my mouth!

damn pizza rolls! i had some sunday, thought they were cooled bit into one and had to spit it out, too hot, dog did the same. had to go to the dentist cuz my mouth kept bleeding and 2nd degree burns and blisters on the right side in the back! my pizza addiction will kill me one day!

now i have to use this prescription mouth wash,dip a cotton ball in it, and hold it on the blisters for at least a minute 2 times a day.

gargle with luke warm salt water 3 times a day.

avoid anything sticky, hard, crunchy, salty, and citrus
(this will help with the weight loss plan)

keep my tooth brush off of the gums on that side

so for the next 7-10 days this is going to suck!

so the blister on my foot is healing and now i have blisters in my mouth healing. and my period zit on the side of my forehead, plus my period and its delightful cramps all in the same week. why doesn't God just smote me now????

dog park kind of day

it is beautiful outside. a perfect fall type of day. a great breeze and just enough heat as to not be cold. so i packed sophie up and we went to the dog park. i walk 2 miles on my bum foot and she ran and frolicked with the other pups. now we are chilling and she's napping and life is good.

my foot is getting better. i keep it covered with gauze and neosporin until bed. then i leave it uncovered with the neosporin on it. it burns less, but the newly exposed layer of skin is still very red.

i am reaching a place in the pain that is tolerable for me. i've been reading C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. I find it interesting. I am struggling with my faith right now. I know God exists. I have never doubted that, but having bi-polar and borderline personality disorder I often feel that I am unworthy, empty, useless, small, and forsaken.

I wonder why I must suffer in so much pain, both physical and mental, if God loves me. Of course, the book of Job, is a clear example of testing, enduring, and perserverance. But lately, I started to once again feel disconnected, not just from God, but from all the people who surround me. I just wanted to be left alone.

These emotions aren't new to me. I often isolate myself. I justify these action by telling myself that if I am alone, the only person I can hurt is myself, but I end up hurting the two people who love me the most. My kid and my Dad, are the ones that take the most punishment from my "moods".

i've seen disappointment on my Dad's face more time then i can count. My daughter just shakes her head and says there is something wrong with you. I don't know how to make things better for them. I am this emotionally raw creature that has yet to be contained, tamed, or restrained. Every time i try to better myself, i get scared, and revert back to what is familiar.

i have so many thoughts twirling in chaotic dances in my head. i wish i could capture one and hold onto it until it finished its dance, but i am never able to keep what i want the most. To quote the book "...the doors of hell are locked on the inside."

if i surrender completely to God, as the book suggests, to be healed, then i admit i have no control over anything, including myself. now i see why God loses so many of us. i know God can run my life better then I can, but I don't want to bother him with my mundane details. I am back to feeling like a burden to him. This thinking keeps me from embracing His love to the fullest, but I don't know how to break the cycle. I feel like i'm chasing my own tail all the time.