Bittersweet Tennessee

the funeral will be in a couple of days so we have to pack up and head to tennessee.
it'll be wonderful to see the family, it's been a couple of years, but it'll be sad that we are all there for MeeMaw's funeral, so bittersweet, this trip to Tennessee.

when i was 7 grandpa and Meemaw retired and moved from Ohio to Tennessee. I went from seeing them every day to seeing them on our summer vacations for a week. i missed them very much.
as i got older and grew up and had my daughter, we went to see MeeMaw less and less.
then in spring of 2010 she had a stroke, i realized it had been ten years since i had gone to visit.
we went that summer for a long weekend.
it was too short.
that's the last time i saw her.
there was never enough money or enough time to go visit.
i regret that now.
Meemaw had her priorities right, God and family, is what she dedicated her life too.

i have some very difficult decisions to make.
Meemaw's death has made me take a hard look at some of my choices lately.
I've not been making healthy emotional choices.
Scott, Bret, Jackie, all unhealthy for my emotional needs.
I need to make a clean break from empty deadend sexual relationships.
I do want another child, but to conceive via one of these men is just opening my child and I to years of disappointment and heartache.

these men can't change so I must.
when i get back from tennessee i'm going back to church.
i'm going to get back on a righteous path.
God and family will be my focus.
I've already been working on my physical health, now it's time to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

God, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
Especially, to tell Scott no.
that word doesn't pop into my head when that man touches me.
i'm caught up in his web, a total fly to his spider.
he knows he's got me, help me break free.
Amen!