Happy to Be not Expecting Anything

I love not being pregnant. Yes, babies are cute. Yes, kids are funny. But i did that, been there, mine is 20 years old and out the door, PRAISE JESUS!!!

I love children, but I really love them when they aren't mine. I can't imagine starting over with the midnight feedings, the stinky green gooey diaper changes, the drool, the potty training. The puberty years. I hate the puberty years. I hated mine. I hated my kids. I think puberty is hell on earth.

I have a grand dog, sophie the puggle, and she's all the baby i want ever again!

i got all these men sniffing around me. I've lost 8 more pounds. My body is morphing into a shape it hasn't been in since college.
i want a man to love, to hold, to rub my back and laugh when i fall over for the first time and then the 100th time. I fall alot!!!
if i could find a man that can be honest without being mean and has a sense of humor that would be great.
i enjoy simple stuff, watching a movie, running around the house, even vacuuming can be fun if you try to make up song and dance while you are doing it.
FYI on that, don't use the cord like a whip, it comes out of the plug and that just ruins the moment.

yes, i dance around naked.
yes, i can't pronounce femininity and about 100 other words.
yes, i'm crazy.
yes, i'm moody.

but i'm an all or nothing person.
when i love a man i give it my all.
so why is it so hard to capture that and hold it together in pretty picture frame?

Rainy Monday's Just Suck

it is another monday, and it is pouring rain. so i think i will be working out today on the wii.
a pregnancy test was negative, yipee!!!
if i still haven't started next week, i'll take one more just to be sure.
but i am relieved not to be pregnant.
my body i think is just adjusting to all the healthy eating, exercising, and running around i am doing.

i walked 5 miles yesterday. the dog walked 3 of it with me at the dog park.
my house is clean.
my laundry is down.
i watched Heathers and National Treasure yesterday.
i read my scriptures.

i tried to take some video of a goat that was running around our apt. complex on saturday, but i didn't hit the right buttons.
Sophie, the puggle, hates goats!

don't aske my why there was a goat in our apt. complex, i don't know where the goat came from, i don't know why it was loose.
it was shear chaos and i had to ask myself out loud, was that a goat that just ran by!!!
it was short, black, and had huge curled horns.
again, the dog, hated it and was going nuts barking, growling, just freaking out.
a kid caught it and helped it's owners take it back to their car (who drives around with a goat in a little honda car???)
and sophie normally loves this kid, he went to pet her, stinking of the goat, and sophie barked and growled at him.
i thought she was going to bite him.
i told him i don't think she knows it is you, since you reek of the goat.
the owner's gave the kid $20 for catching the goat.

still baffled over it tho, i see some weird shit around here!!!

Got me some Blues!

i am depressed today. i think i might be pregnant. that would definitely be a shocking surprise. i've been nauseated alot and i went to make a ham sandwich the other day and the ham grossed me out and i puked. now i can't eat meat at all, i can't even look at it. i was like that when i was preggers with my 20 year old with eggs.

so i'm suddenly a vegatarian and worried that i'm preganant. i will test this sunday and if i am i am. i know bret will freak. it's not like i was trying to get pregnant. thank goodness the neighbor guy and i never had sex. i swear i would never be one of those woman that don't know who the father of her baby was.

maybe it's nerves or something. i'm so tired too. and i walk but i don't get any energy from it. i just need to remain calm. i'll test this sunday and next and if i'm still late, but the tests say i'm not pregnant, i go for my yearly woman doctor visit the end of october.

baby stuff is too cute tho.

The Dog Poop incident

This apartment complex constantly reminds me why I no longer want any children!

Yesterday, I'm doing my laps. I do lap one with no problems. I am doing a lap in less then 3 minutes. I round the corner of lap two and I see Butter the dog with one of his little child owners running away from some bushes in front of the apartments ahead of me. I'm thinking great, the kid let the dog crap in the bushes. But that's not a huge deal, I've never seen either child (there are 2) walking that dog ever carry a bag to pick up the poop -- NEVER!!!

So I'm walking along, and a different child waves to me and starts talking, so I slow down and take my ear bud out and turn my head so I can hear what she is saying and I step in fresh dog poop!!! I nearly fall!!! I am annoyed!! I go wash my shoe off and i flag the apartment manager down and show her the poop, we can be fined for not picking it up. I tell her it was Butter, the little girl pipes in that she saw it too and DJ was walking Butter.

So the apt. manager goes and talks to the kid and his Dad. I'm standing by the poop, which is now EVERYWHERE, so the kid knows where to clean it up. I even get him a bag and some paper towels. He comes around the corner and says I don't see it and walks off!!! Little Fucker!!!

So I tell the apt. manager he didn't clean it up. So now she has to call his Mom. I see him and say, go clean up your dog's poop. he won't look at me but he says my dog didn't do that. I tell him, I saw you and your dog there right before I stepped in it. I KNOW it was YOUR DOG!!! And he looks at the ground and says NO it wasn't. I tell him to stop lying and just go pick it up. He runs off with all his little friends. Now I am PISSED OFF!!!

So the apt manager threatens to fine his family $50 and he goes 1/2 assed cleans it up (he's like 8-9 years old) and then he fails to get the bag and paper towels in the dumpster. At this point I am so frustrated and disappointed in the whole situation that I go in to really really clean my shoe, cuz it's even on the top part of it. And my shoes are fairly new and they were expensive!!! I didn't even get a mile walk in.

Now I'm just going to walk while the kids are at school. When they are here I'll go to the dark park or next door where people actually WATCH their kids and not let them run WILD!!! I swear, it is like fucking Lord of the Flies over here at times. They don't get out of the way when a car comes. They get into your stuff. They walk right into your garage if the door is open. I'm DONE!!!

I'm going to start looking around to see if I can find a house to rent or lease to own or something. I'm so fucking sick of neighbor kids!!!

On the upside, this morning I went to the doctor and lost 8 more pounds!!!

Enjoying the Peace and Quiet

yesterday was busy all morning. got the kid moved in to her dorm. she found out there's no cable. her roommate didn't move in until today.
my neice looks better. she's stilil really really weak. it could take her months to get her strenght back. but she's feeling better. we talked alot about what has been happening with her. she's got a bright future, it's sad she let her ex cloud her thinking to the point where she could not see it.
but i have high hopes she's ready to move on and forward to bigger and better people, things, and blessings.

celebrated the empty house by dancing around in the nude. after a half hour i got cold and put a some clothes on. but i enjoyed and reveled in the moment. went to the grocery and got lots of healthy food. grapes, strawberries, carrots, celery, whole wheat bread, lean turkey, and still walked 2 miles. it was a productive day.
today not so much. i only had until 2pm to do whatever i wanted to do then i had to work.

took the dog to the dog park. walked me 3 miles. came home, cleaned a little then it was time to sign on :( and even as i write this, i'm still logged onto work, i'm waiting for the patches to be installed to fix a problem we've had with weights and volumes on shipments showing correctly in the system. then after that, hopefully, i will be able to start all the jobs back up and get off the work computer.

i'm excited. the weight loss is going well. the kid is off doing her own thing. even though i'm alone, i'm not sad about it. life is good right now.

The Big Day

tomorrow is my kid's big day. she goes back off to college after one year off due to financial difficulties. she is excited, packed, and ready to roll in the morning.
i love her and want her to succeed. i am being supportive. these are big changes, last time she spent a year away at college i didn't do much with my life. i sat around the house and watched tv. that's not an option for me this time.

now i'm losing weight, feeling great, single and ready to mingle. i'm getting out and talking to people. next saturday i hope to go out with some neighbors and have a drink or two. i have to relearn how to have fun with adults and have an adult conversation. i've been a full time mom as long as i've been an adult. i was so depressed the first year she went away, but i'm not depressed anymore.

i'm going to seize this day and all the days after it. life is too short to pine for what could have been.

i will begin dating on sunday. watch out, i'm going out!!!

Suicide Isn't Painless

my neice overdosed intentionally on xanax and tylenol. she passed out head first into a wall. she's in the hospital last night on suicide watch. all because she finally managed to break up with her off and on douche bag of a boyfriend and he and his new little girlfriend and her little friends are bullying her at school. when my neice finally went to a teacher, the 5 other kids claimed my niece was the trouble maker, 5 against 1, nice. my brother and my neice's mom are going to file a formal complaint with the school today. i swear that boy needs to have his head bashed in. he's been nothing but a source of pain and misery for my neice since the 8th grade. his little girlfriend and her posse threatened to kill her. now my niece is depressed and super scary thin from all the stress.

it doesn't help that my brother has like a fucking pharmacy right in his kitchen. he doesn't need all his pills either, just like my mom didn't need all of hers, just like i didn't need all of mine. the pills just make the world go away. you get numb, become a zombie, that's always got to go lay down and sleep. that is exactly what my brother was doing when my neice decided she just wanted it to all go away too.

now my brother is going to have to lock up all his meds, i'd rather he flush them, but he does have some health issues, but i don't think they require 25 pills twice a day!!!! he's even going to lock up the tylenol. my neice put on face book a goodbye and that she had taken alot of pills and her dad was asleep. i called my dad to go over there. he called me back and said they had woken her up and she claimed to have only take 2 tylenol and 1 xanax. so my dad and brother tallked to her and she went back to bed.

then at 12:30 am this morning my Dad calls me and tells me he's at the hospital and that my neice had gotten back up and taken more xanax and more tylenol because she didn't feel any better. my brother made her throw up and he called an ambulance. she was staying in the hospital for the watch and observation. her face is all bruised up from the fall.

my neice is beautiful, smart, funny, good, quiet, sincere, helpful and sweet. her life is priceless. i know depression runs in our family, but when you try to kill yourself the pain you are trying to get rid of just gets put onto the shoulders and hearts of the ones you love. suicide doesn't solve anything, trust me i had my moment too.
we will get my neice through this!!!

Holding my breath

i feel suspended in mid-air like my life is getting ready to take a giant leap forward.
my kid is off to school on Saturday. i am dating again.

i feel like i've been holding my breath waiting for the perfect moment to exhale,
but there's never been a perfect moment for me.

work is crazy right now, but i don't feel drained.
there's a fire in me now.
i feel invigorated.
i didn't know exercise could have such an impact on my emotions.
the walking is progressing and i'm challenging myself more.
i'm adding wii thursday - monday 30 minutes a day to tone and strengthen me.

when i go to bed at night i'm exhausted, but from having my muscles worked.
i'm not depresssed anymore.
i feel accomplished and content.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i'm excited instead of scared.
i am really loving my life right now.

10 years later

9/11/11 - 10 years have past, but it could be a 100 years and the pain lingers, you will not be forgotten.

Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. ~ Rossiter W. Raymond

we must remember, keep the pain close, and hold onto it, pass it down, and let our children's children know the heartache. remembering is the only way to make sure this tradgedy is never repeated. once we forget our past we open the door to repeating it's mistakes.

may peace begin within you and spread outward from you like the brightest light that no darkness can ever conquer!

Another Confusing Day

men confuse me. the neighbor wanted to talk to me, he wants to explain things. and his little bunny has moved in with him. so he says he's heading down to talk to me around noon, it's going on 4pm and he never showed. and his little bunny is now home. he says he got caught up in work stuff. i said, whatever, he did not like that answer. i don't know what he wants from me. i think bret had it right, it is human nature, especially mine, to want what i can't have. at least i'm having sex with bret. the neighbor is just a big ole tease!!!

my head hurts. i hate sinus headaches. i had chinese food. i watched my portions, and i have leftovers for 3 days now! but now i feel like i need to walk 5 more miles. i did walk 3 miles today. so i did good. if tomorrow is a nice morning, i'll take sophie to the dog park and do 3 laps, aka miles. and then do 3 here around the parking lot for a 6 mile day.

the walking helps clear my head and lifts my spirits. i just wish my sex drive would calm down. or that bret lived closer so he and i could have sex more often. he's depressed over his custody situation. i'm depressed over my whole lonely existence. bret was very clear that we are just friends. there will be no talking every day on the phone. no long distance relationship, he has a life and he has to live it. i'm so sick of him telling me what to do. and he doesn't even think he's telling me what to do.

i should have known that nothing would change with him. now if i can just get this knot out of my stomach that the neighbor gives me every time he looks at me i'd be doing swell.

i love men so much i hate them, every single fucking one of them, even the gay ones!

I can't help myself

well, i'm doing it to myself again. i let him back in. i invited him, opened the door and my legs and just took it hard, fast, slow, and over and over again. i can't say no to him. i sent him a facebook and told him i missed him and he missed me to. now he's back, but we are back to just friends that have sex sometimes. i don't want to call it friends with benefits. i don't want to label it. i don't want to have to explain it to anyone. i don't want to defend myself when it comes to him.

i was honest. i told him a part of me will always be in love with him. the weight loss made the sex even greater, which i didn't realize was possible. i tell ya he knows my buttons and he pushes them expertly. it was so hot between us. i don't know what to do. i can't put pressure on either one of us. i don't want to get married or have kids so what am i giving up just by fucking around with him. i know my heart will jump in eventually and make a mess of things, but right now i just love the way he makes me feel.

walking it off

wow, i woke up totally depressed. just in the downest of moods. i didn't want to walk, but the rain stopped and i thought, one mile won't hurt.
i started walking and then it started raining, so i grabbed an umbrella at the start of my 2nd lap. the more i walked the less depressed i felt.
i closed my eyes here and there and just felt the rain and the coldness against my face. it felt refreshing.

my old therapist told me that exercise can really help a bi-polar 2 type with the depressive episodes. i didn't want to believe him. i've exercised in the past and never never never got those happy hormones. but walking is different. maybe it's because i can just do it at my leisure, walk as fast or as slow as i want. i listen to my i-pod and try to walk at the pace of the music. i don't know, but i've become obsessed with walking.

i just did 2 miles and i wanted to do one more but the rain and wind picked up. i think this afternoon i'll do 2 more and this eveing 1 more for a total of 5 miles like yesterday. the rain is supposed to be sporadic. and i didn't mind walking under the umbrella. my foot hardly bothered me, so this is good right!

when i get depressed i'll just take a walk!

first day no pop, don't know if that's part of the problem or not. took some excederin cuz i was getting a headache. i'm not trying to give up caffiene, just soda pop. i think it is more likely the chemicals in our food and beverages causing the uptick in cancers, autism, and other neurlogical disorders then say immunizations. the more chemicals we put in our bodies the more potential for a cataclysm of reactions that can't all be good can happen.

i might start eating organic as well. i already have so much stacked against me physically in the genetics department i need to do as much as i can to thwart diseases like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, arthritis (all of which i have showed signs of already!)

now i'm just depressing myself again. the rain storms fit my mood today!

This kitchen Experiment Rocked Pancakes!

Took plain old generic pancake mix, added the following:
(did the 3 cups of dry mix size)
1/2 cup chopped up Granny Smith Apple
1 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 single serving of cinnamon applesauce
and 1 1/4 cups water

it made very thick, yummy, pancakes. it was like eating apple spice cake.
i cut the pancake into 4's and dipped it in my butter lite maple syrup.
it was FAB-U-LOUS!

My kid suggests replace apples with miniture snickers chopped up or candy bar of your choice!

i'm taking what i have left and wrapping them individually in foil and putting them in the freezer.
i am pretty sure i can take a whole month to eat them that way.

try it!!!

perfect for this rainy fall like day.
i walked my 3 miles before 10 am and tonight i will walk 2 more.
my foot has healed, thank you God!!!

i'm having a power surge today people, watch out!!!

Kitchen Experiment

the burns in my mouth are slowly healing, but they present an issue when trying to figure out what to eat. i can't have alot of foods, sticky, crunchy, hard, salty, citrus, tomatos, etc... so i saw this as an opportunity to try something new in the kitchen with whatever i had on hand.

i had ground chuck hamburger, spaghetti, cheddar cheese soup, ranch dip and country white gravy packets!!!

i mixed the hamburger with the ranch dip packet and a robust squeezy of creamy horshradish i found in the fridge and don't even remember why i bought it. i did check the date on it, it was still good. i made meatballs and baked them at 350 in the oven for 30 minutes. They ROCK!!!! try it!

i cooked the spaghetti.

then i mixed the cheddar cheese soup, 1/2 a can of skim milk, 3 tablespoons margerine, and a 1/2 tblsp. of garlic then i mixed the spaghetti in with it. it did not have enough flavor, very bland, i think next time i need to add more garlic and possibly oregano or something to it.

then i made the country white gravy with the water.

i combined all 3 together to make cheesy spaghetti with ranch meatballs and white gravy. i give it a 7 out of 10. the 3 flavors together reminded me of a casserole. so next time i might turn it into a casserole. it was kind of like those KFC chicken bowls with the gravy, taters, chicken and corn. different, but yums!!!

i followed 1 cup for the spaghetti, 1/4 cup for the gravy, and 2 meatballs per serving. I had one serving and 5 others are now in the fridge, so it makes six servings.

got some actual support work to do today then the morning is wide open, but hot hot weather again, so i think the Wii and I will work out again.
have a good one.

Mr. Sun I am so pissed off at u right now

my vitamin d is still way too low. so now i have to take 1,000 units a day plus the 50,000 units weekly. and if in 3 more months it isn't normal i have to have a bone scan to see if my bones have begun to thin. that scares the crap out of me. i have been sitting out in the sun a 1/2 hour every day in the early evening exposing as much skin as i can, i have been walking out in the sun every day with as much skin as possible exposed and it only went up 3 points from last time. I am NOT happy with Mr. Sun right now.

I hate fish. doc recommended i start eating fish like catfish, salmon, tuna with oil, my face said it all, doc was like i know u hate to eat fish. i hate to smell them, let alone eat them. they are disgusting!!!! I can't even take fish oil, it makes me sick, gives me a headache afterwards. Can you be allergic to fish?

i got another prescription to pick up and i have to find a vitamin d supplement with the 1,000 units in it! if pizza had vitamin D in it, i'd be set!

feeling good about the labor day weekend

work is going at a good clip now. getting loads done. my mouth and foot are recovering nicely from their blisters. i got blood drawn today to see if my vitamin D levels have increased. I should find that out by tomorrow afternoon. If not, i don't know what else i can do. I have been out in the sun without sunscreen to absorb vitamin d the best i can without burning. i haven't been this tanned (if u can call it that) since college. i hope it is better. i might have to start taking a daily multi-vitamin on top of the weekly vitamin d supplement. but that could be a good thing for me.

i weened myself off all medications. i go sept. 22nd to see how my chlosterol and tryglcerides are doing without the medication. i walk 2-4 miles through the weekdays and 5 miles on the weekend. i do the wii toning and strength training every thursday. i lost 2 pounds this past week. my new goal is 5 pounds over the next two weeks. i am getting all the last kinks out of my junk food cravings. when the kid heads off to school in 2 weeks the cable will be shut off and the junk food will go with her.

there's not much that tempts me, but i went to the grocery whilst pms'ing and got nutter butters, choc, chip cookies, and miniture snickers and milky ways. so far, she has eaten more then i have which is a good thing. i've been proud of my restraint. although, dipping a nutter butter into nutella is a slice of HEAVEN!!! try it!

i get to start my holiday weekend at 2pm tomorrow. i still have to keep an eye periodically on the system, but the weekend looks to be mostly work free. the kid goes to her paternal grandma's for one last visit prior to going off to hocking tech college. i drop her off 7pm tomorrow and pick her up around 5 on monday. so i'm alone!

i'm planning to go to the dog park, walk, wii, read, study scripture, and friday after i get off work i'm doing laundry and getting the house cleaning done so I don't have to do that crap during the weekend. when the kid isn't here the house stays clean. i know how to pick up after myself! the dog tends to drag out toys and she looks offended when i vacuum but i think she doesn't mind a clean house either.

i'm down to my last 12 pack of dt. soda pop. i've tried this challenge before and it was a HUGE failure! no more pop/coke/soda (etc..) this is the last 12 pack. not only will i save money (which will help with the kid at school) but my teeth with thank me. it'll be just water and skim milk. boring right, but it is what i need to do. i need to keep challenging myself. i've got the exercising going, the healthy eating is in full swing, i am working on my biggest flaws (per the people that I work with) and now i will control what i drink!!!

i'm going to go girl myself right now cuz i deserve it!!!