accidentally zumba'd

so it's time to start exercising! i go to curves, where i joined last march and decide to get back on the program. they're having a zumba class. i thought zumba was one of angelina jolie's kids. i was wrong.

it's dancing. i have no balance. i fall over regularly. zumba and i don't agree with one another. i can't tell my left from my right and my hips don't roll. and because it was zumba time, they wouldn't weigh or measure me. i had to do the zumba class. it's just salsa dancing.

i don't really see why every one is so excited about it. of course, i never saw the reason why anyone wanted to sweat to the oldies with richard simmons either. i hope this too shall pass. until then i have to find a new way to exercise, because i can't zumba!

11.7 down yipee!

despite almost crashing and burning on the diet, i recovered and lost 3.1 pounds this week. my cholesterol and tryglcerides were both down by an at least 20 points! This is progress. My little pig out was 1,060 calories. I had no idea a small pizza had so many calories! Education when you are trying to lose weight is key.

The nutritionist was encouraging. I minimized my splurge and by recognizing why i splurged, mental distress, i can work to change that bad habit. she said if it happens again, instead of pizza, get a grilled chicken breast and veggies at a restaurant. Or grill a hamburger with cheese and no bun. But she'd prefer I not go ape at all and just drink the shakes and have one of their soups to take off the edge.

it's progress. i'm a work in progress, but i will win. i can do this!!!

sadness is my second skin

i'm covered in sadness since friday night. i got dumped, i cheated on my diet, i got a migraine, i overspent and am short on rent now, and today is the 15th anniversary of my Mother's death.

yes, sadness is my second skin.

I kept crying all weekend. It hurt so much to be told that he only wants to be friends and the i will never never ever be anything more to him then his friend. i was so disappointed in him. i know he's going thru alot with his ex, but he's shutting me out. why does he have to make life 10x's harder then it needs to be? i am in love with him.

i am good at loving him. all he had to do was sit back and relax and let me love him, but he can't do that. he doesn't believe he deserves to be treated with love, respect, kindness. i had hoped with time he'd realize how wonderful we are together. how we could build a little family together. i truly love him and his child. i feel like a deflated balloon, denied my right to soar to the sky.

i think my Mom would have liked him. I wish she were here right now. She'd have alot to say, she always did.

So i binged on a small thin crusted bacon cheeseburger from domino's and it was so good!!! but i felt awful, then all the stress gave me a migraine and i missed work yesterday. but i've been good and i'll just have to fess up and talk to the dietician about it. i've got to battle my demons, and emotional eating is one of them.

i lost the battle on friday, but i'm still in the war.
the revolution continues...

8.8 down 71.2 to go

i lost 8.8 pounds this past week!!!

it is so hard!

i'm trying to undo the damage i've done to myself with over eating since i was a kid. i use food to cope with everything. i even had a panic attack over losing the 8.8 pounds. i had a hot dog before i got ahold of myself. i've always been the fat girl. who am i if i'm not the fat girl anymore???

i have to redefine myself by my insides instead of what i look on the outside. it is scaring the crap out of me. but i talked myself down from the ledge. i'm not doing this because of how i look.

my very life is at stake. i don't want to die before i'm 50, like Mom. I need to lose weight to save my life. My tryglcerides and chlosterol are out of control. My back, knees, and body just hurt from the extra weight.

i'm doing this because it's right for me. i want to live a long and healthy life. i don't want to be winded just getting up from a chair. i don't want to be tired just walking up the stairs. i want to run! i want to be healthy!

i can do this! i can do this! i can do this!!!!

i love to eat, but i love living more!
on with the revolution~

Day 2 shaking it up

i've been told the first 3 days will be the hardest. during the day i can stay busy, but around 8pm it gets hard. there's so much food on tv. the commercials are just cruel. the shakes are okay. i got choc. and vanilla. i did not like the strawberry. i have to stay focused and away from food. i cannot sabtoge myself this time. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this!

my revolution has begun

went to do all the testing to get put on my medically supervised diet today and it all looks kosher. so if tomorrow's final visit with the doc goes well then wednesday i will be on a new diet. all shakes for 2 weeks then 3 shakes and then either a protein bar or soup for my other 2 meals. it'll be hard work to reprogram every bad eating habit into a good one, but i'm so sick and tired all the time and i know it's because i'm a huge fat cow...
but on the upside my metabolism is kick ass!!! who knew, this is why i probably don't weigh 500 pounds by now. i mean, i should, the way i eat. and i sit on my butt all day working at the computer. but now i venture into healthy eating habits, vegtables, fruits, lean meats, and whole grains. i find myself anxious, nervous, and on the look out for my old self to avoid all attempts of me sabatoging me. watch out old self u r going down, ya fat bitch!!!

drama gives me a headache

the new year isn't off to a good start, so far, 2011 sucks!
my friend's soon to be ex filed for divorce and custody and informed him thursday she had no intentions of bringing their daughter back from her 3 week visitation. she had a court order and everything. he can't get into legal aid until monday, so he's racked with frustration and worry.

they had an argument where she perceived he was telling her she was a bad mother and 2 days later she files for divorce and custody. i told him sometimes you got to bite your tongue and with her, he just can't do that. she baits him and he rises to it every time. he's had his daughter for almost 2 years but never formalized the custody and it's really biting him in the butt now.

i feel bad for their little girl more then anything. she's being ripped from her current school, which she loved, and has to start a new school on tuesday. she hasn't spent more then 1 day with her puppy, Otis, that I got her for christmas. she wanted to wait until she got back from her mom's to open her christmas' presents with her dad, so now she didn't even have christmas with her dad, plus i bought her tons of new clothes that are with her dad.

i don't see why she couldn't wait until her little girl finishes her first year of school before asking for custody. this is the most destructive and disruptive way to do this. and it makes me sad for Jade, who loves her mommy and her daddy and because mommy and daddy can't act like rational adults with each other she suffers.

i feel for my friend, but i hurt for the little one. i know this happens every day and i've never understood it. i guess i was lucky my kid's dad never contested her being with me. the only thing he griped about was child support and once he tried to claim her on his taxes even though he only saw her two to three times a year at his mother's.

it's giving me a headache from the worry. i just want my little toots to be okay.

Happy New Flu Year!!!

first i'd like to thank the rain showing up right around midnight so all the jack holes with their fireworks couldn't light them, thank you rain, take a bow. now i'd like the rain to stop, since it's been going for almost 8 hours now and my dog won't pee in it. she literally sniffs everywhere, shakes off her coat, comes in the house and pees on the carpet near the door. she'll pee in snow, but not rain. she's such a goofy girl.

my aches and pains are not as bad, but i'm throwing up snot now. but good new it's clear and white, so no infection. bad news is of course it hurts like hell to puke up snot, so my throat is on fire. plus, i pee myself a little when i sneeze real hard, puke, or just laugh to the point i can't breathe. so i have to have protection on all day today so i don't pee all over the furniture. i feel so old. this is all my kid's fault, i gave birth to her all naturally and they cut me so i wouldn't tear which weakened the muscles. i am doing those excerises for my vagina, but it's helped little. i'm not even 40 and i'm back in stupid diapers.

happy fracking new year to me :(