waiting for the results

the mri was loud and cold. it sounded like bad techno music. i expected moby to jump out at any second to spin some tunes to it.

other then that it was a quick in and out. now just to wait for the results which will be monday or tuesday since this is the weekend.

i'm keeping as busy as possible this weekend.

i'm moving 3 garages down into a 3 bedroom starting next weekend.
i'm going to prep for that migration. i told my kid it doesn't count as a move since no movie van is needed. so we are calling it our migration. we can a 2 car garage over a 1 and a bigger kitchen and 1 additional bedroom.
i'm going to get some strapping strong laddies from church to move our heavy stuff and the rest Gabi and I can walk over.

Then a major cleaning fest in this old apartment and we will be moved.
I'm planning next saturday for all the heavy lifting and to be down by the 2nd saturday in November so we can get everything turned back over on the 2 bedroom to the apt. manager.

so exciting. i go to indy this weekend to visit my friend, who is a boy, but is not my boyfriend. :)

so lots to do to keep my mind off possible bad test results.
and i will not fall over, i will not fall over, i will not fall over.

MRI tomorrow morning

I get my MRI with contrast tomorrow morning at 8am. I'm anxious, scared, nervous. I've not been sleeping and unfortunately, i've been comforting myself by cramming halloween candy into my mouth at a furious pace. I got to stop using food as an emotional safety blanket. I can't afford to get any fatter. And I'd been doing so good, I'd dropped 15 pounds, but I think I've got it almost all back now.

It could be Wednesday of next week before I have the results.
I wish there was a way to reduce the waiting when it comes to medical testing. It took 2 days to just process the paperwork and insurance crap.
When there's a suspected life altering brain "growth" you'd think they'd rush it. Ugh, I'm so tired of waiting!!!!

It's my brain and I want it scanned now!

test results bad

well the doctor's nurse call at 9am yesterday and my head has been spinning every since. my right balance side is weak there might be a growth in my brain interferring with how it is working. they are sending my paperwork to the hospital and they would call me either yesterday (which they didn't) or monday to schedule an MRI with dye ASAP!!!

Nothing like freaking me out! I had an Aunt die from brain cancer at 47. She was falling over for no reason too. If I had a healthy family history I wouldn't be worried, but my family is NOT the healthy type. My Mom, and 2 of her sisters all died before or at age 50. Two of her other sisters have battled breast cancer and her only brother had a stroke in his 40's. The family is genetically unsound.

So I get to spend the whole weekend with my stomach tied in a knot. I hate to wait. Then I gotta schedule the test and then wait for the results. This is so frustrating. I wish they could just expedite the whole process. Do you have to cut my head open or not????

Unbalanced it is!

well, i've written in the past about my various falling over's and just plain laziness of gravity keeping me upright. I went to the ear doctor and my ears are fine. So I was scheduled for a balance test to make sure the stuff inside my brain that keep me balanced are working. FUN!!!

Yesterday, I set off for my 11:30 appt. at 11. The test is at the same place where the ear doctor is, so I was just there like 3 weeks ago. I hopped on the interstate confident that I know where I am going. I am WRONG!!!
I have no clue where I am going. Nothing looks familiar. I take the first exit and while I am starting to panic I see the name of the street that I want on another exit, so I am relieved and I take that exit.

I exit on that exit and I am not on that street. I have no idea if I go left or right. So I go right. It looks really WRONG. So after a few minutes I turn around and go back the other way. I call my kid on the cell phone and have her get on map quest to find out where I am. I finally get to the road and take a left. And I pass a building I remember from the first trip!!!! Yipee!!!! I arrive 3 minutes before my appointment!

The test is odd. It involves flashing lights, no blinking, having my head shaken back and forth, sitting up and down really fast, wearing some goggles that make me feel like batman. Then the last part is getting cold then warm air blown into my ears, first the left then the right.

My left ear with both cold then warm air sends the room spinning like crazy!!! My right ear, nothing, not even a little bit of swaying. So the audiologist does my right ear a 2nd time. The 2nd time I get a bit woozy. Nothing like what happens when the left ear has the air blown in it. I found the warm air to be soothing and almost fall asleep, I likes it!!!!

So the audiologist tells me there's approx. a 20% difference between the left side balance system and the right side balance system. I ask her what that means and she says she has to analysis all the results and the doctor's assistant will call me today or Monday with them and next steps. But she's sure that my balance systems are not insynch, aka, it's official I am unbalanced!!!

i knew this would happen

my plans are being foiled for my trip to indy
and it just sucks.

i wanted to rent a car. the location i wanted has been closed.
since my visa is a debit visa, they wanted to place a $300 hold on it!!!
i said no, i'll just drive my car.

so i got to squeeze in an oil change tonight and get the headlight replaced.
plus, go pay off the new couch, which i've been so excited about.
i hope they can deliver it on monday. dual reclining with a center console!

i ordered dominoe's for lunch at 2pm after i get poked and prodded at the ob/gyn. i figured the appt. would seem more bareable if i was coming home to fresh italian sandwiches and hot wings for gab. got a coupon, so it wasn't too bad. cuz the pizza from dominoes still sucks, even after they made all those so called improvements.

i loathe my yearly pap smear. if guys hate a prostate check, they have no concept on what it is live to get a pap smear. here's hoping all my pieces and parts are where they are supposed to be and healthy.

wish me luck!

Reality Check

We are just friends with those yummy benefits.
That is all we will ever be.
You think I'm passive, I'm just different with you, because I wanted you to like me, so I toned it down.
But I do that when I really want a man to want me.
If I have him wrapped around my finger I'm a dominant bitch, but some men like that, unfortunately, that bores the shit out of me.

So, while I get to enjoy the benefits, I need to look for a man locally, to actually have a long term relationship with. I ain't getting any younger. And I am not going to change. I need attention!
I like having someone ask me how my day went and listening to me or pretending to listen to me.

Like I pretend to listen to him now, even though I could care less about the video game or listen to the same story for the 4th time.
My memory is bad, but usually if you tell me a store 2 or so times, it starts to stick. I hate saying I've heard this before, but really I have.

And sometimes he just doesn't let me talk at all. And when I start to say something he just keeps going. And even worse, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying, so I end up blurting out the most outrageous thing I can think of just to get him to stop talking and go what was that.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, I think he's smart, funny, but he's really starting to bore me.

This happens to me with every guy I ever like. I get to know them and then they aren't that interesting. It's not so bad with him, but I'm a realist at my core and no matter how many pretty pictures I try to paint in my mind about loving him and living with him, they all end badly. I just am not made for a long term relationship, and I want one so badly, like a kid who wants a panther for christmas.

I can blame being bi-polar or blame the borderline personality disorder, but I think I'm just a lazy person and trying to build a relationship with someone, even a friendship, is just too exhausting. He thinks I'm agressive in the bedroom, and I am, because, frankly, when we are fucking, he's not talking and neither am I and it's a nice break!

I miss the weekend.

I had a wonderful, packed full of activity weekend.
I was exhausted but content.
I had company.
Genuine conversation with another adult.
The giggles of a a little girl.
The excited chatter was music to my ears.

I miss it.
My life has become inactive.
I'm trying to get Gab to move foreward, but how can I?
I myself am frozen to this comfortable spot.
I feel no pain, no joy, and no sorrow.
I have let myself become complacent.
Fear keeps me in place.
I am so scared to hurt that I stopped living.

I want to start living.
I am going to start living!