who said strange is wonderful

my life has been buzzing along with quite a bit of strange lately. and it just has me baffled more then anything. the weird late phone calls, emails from people that say they know me, but they don't. it's like some conspiracy to drive me crazy. but that's such a short trip for me i don't even need to pack a bag.

i made gab unplug from technology for a whole hour last night. no tv, cell, or internet. we sat on me bed and talked about stuff that needed talked about. college expenses are going through the roof and we are not wealthy people, nor is anyone we know or related to even well off. the hard reality is this good be her last year at college in Kentucky. i just can't keep shelling out several thousands of dollars every year on her schooling. i'm still paying off my student loans. she might have to readjust her dream. and switch to an in-state less expensive school for her 4 year. and get a part time job near campus that can be full time in the summers.

no one would hire her this summer because they are a huge # of applicants that can work all year round. and alot of older people that are more responsible that normally wouldn't work at places like fast food or little mall shops are now in the job market because of the crappy economy. i am in constant fear of being laid off myself. you never know when the axe will fall these days, no matter how hard you work or what a good job you do.

it's a hard pill for her to swallow. she really likes her school and i like it too because it's small and cozy and i feel she is safe there, but unless there is a drastic positive change in our finances i am afraid she will have to transfer to somewhere not so expensive and far away.

i think my conscience called me last night

last night at 10:23 pm the cell phone rang. didn't recognize the number, 513-470-4394, so i let it go. the number left a voice mail. i checked it thinking, wrong number or something. and it was a very weird message left in a female sing song voice. I was thinking drunken saturday night call to wrong number, when the female said my name, then said remember when i used to beat you up in high school. then the female voice proceeded to call me fat, stupid, ugly, etc... it was like my borderline personality disorder called to say outloud all the things i say to myself in my head all the time. Then it said my name again and hung up. so weird!!!

i tried back tracking the number, to no avail, i have no idea who it was. or what i possibly did to them back in high school to deserve such a rant. i don't recall getting beat up in high school. i pretty much kept to myself and left well enough alone. i didn't like high school, few do, and i didn't really want to be there, few do. i didn't party. i didn't drink. i didn't do drugs. i pretty much sat by myself, kept to myself, and came to school in what today would be called pajama's. i was lucky if i combed my hair. i tried to brush all my hair in front of my face and hide under it. even then, i thought i was fat, ugly, and stupid. i wonder if it was my conscience calling me.

anyhow, i went on facebook and changed it so my phone number is no longer visible to anyone, same with my address, and hopefully, who ever it is, sleeps it off. it was such a squeaky weird voice. i had just seen inception earlier in the evening, maybe it was a dream within a dream?

sickness

i've been fighting a sinus infection since the weekend. i even missed a day of work. this week i've only wanted to lie in bed and sleep. i feel totally drained of all energy. it's an extreme effort to breathe. my nose is plugged up. my lungs are straining under the burden of my excessive weight. i pop over the counter remedies, because i don't have the co-pay to see the doctor to get an antibiotic. either my body will win this one or it won't.

i have to wonder if some of this is my depression. i am not really rev'd up to fight this off. i just want to succumb and wallow in the misery. every ache and pain is a relief, because it's proof i still feel something. the dark circles under my gray eyes make me look like a shadow of my former self. only if the disease would kill my appetite then it would be perfect.

yet i still manage to eat. i drink more water now. and pop to get thru the work hours, but there's no flavor or taste to any of it. i'm just going thru the motions. it's what you do. you wake up. you go to work. you eat. you talk. you smile. you laugh. you come home and you collapse. i don't want to leave the comfort of my bed. the hot showers soothe the aches, the icy hot relieves some of the pain. but what i really want, is just to sleep, undisturbed for 24 hours straight. but between the job, the kid, and the dog, i'm lucky to get 3 hours at a time.

i'm just so over being a productive member of society.

oh, how the night went into the crapper

night started well. we headed to physical therapy for gab and the car stalled in the parking lot. i got an unexpected check in the mail to boost the bank account. we ate at kfc. we were laughing. all was well. we went to the grocery store. i had to potty. i set my purse on the floor and when i picked it up, some yucky mold like substance got all over my clothes, hands, legs, and it was gross.

an employee tried to help me clean it up, but i think my clothes are ruined. and from here then night gets worse. gab gets hiccups towards the end of the grocery trip and some huge guy decides to scare her out of them the same time i decide to scare her out of them. so she gets boo yelled at her from me (behind her) and this strange man (in front of her) and the other people in the dairy aisle start laughing, but gab is freaked out to say the least.

we get home and i take sophie upstairs so i can change and distract her while gab hauls in the groceries. gab screams there is broken glass and to keep sophie upstairs. gab set the salsa on the stove and it fell out of the bag and broke all over the floor. she says it is cleaned up. i come downstairs, barefoot, and promptly find, with my left heel some glass. between my bleeding, gab having a melt down (and her hiccups disappeared during the melt down) and the dog trying to eat the glass, i can say monday night SUCKS!!!

i'm going to shower, band aid my foot, and go to bed early. i pray tomorrow is a better day.

Drained and Good Luck?

I am conflicted. I won a 24 inch flat screen tv at the company picnic, which is the biggest and bestest thing I've ever won in my entire life!!!! So that's the Good Luck part of this and I am excited. I was so excited and happy. It's all hooked up in my bedroom. It was such a luxury to sit in bed last night and watch some tv. And I really needed to be in bed, because I think I'm getting sick.

I am so drained. Not tired, drained of all energy. I've already taken a 2 hour nap today and I had to struggle through taking Sophie to the dog park, then running a few errands. I thought I was going to pass out in the fabric store! I came home and walked Sophie to the mailbox then I collapsed into bed for 2 hours of complete unconsciousness!

Sophie started licking me and waking me up after 2 hours, but I'm still dragging, I've been out of bed an hour and I'm ready to go back to bed. I didn't even watch tv from bed this morning. It's like all my energy has been stolen away by some evil super villian. My period did start so maybe that's causing it, but usually i'm just tired and cranky when it starts. The level of exhaustion I'm experiencing now has been rare in my life and usually comes with sickness. My sinus' have been acting up. I hope they aren't getting infected.

But this is my life, for every good thing that happens to me there are 3 bad things waiting in the wings. I should be used to it by now.

Self-inflicted misery

why do i do this to myself? i know the meat is too spicy for me, but i eat it anyways. and it attacks my stomach and causes me to puke. i burn and twist with misery. i know the food will do this but it sounded so good. i do this to me all the time. especially when it comes to food. i know i have to give up certain foods, to save my teeth (pop), to save my heart (cheese) and just to be healthy (choc, pizza, fast food) but yet i sit at the edge, hesitant to commit.

i'm always hesitant to commit to anything. i have been engaged 4 times and only married once, that ended in divorce. i don't like to join clubs that cost money, in case, i change my mind, then i'm out of that money, like curves for a recent example. now i'm hesitating on picking furniture, because i don't know if i can just stick to one color. i didn't like my last sectional. it was alright for like a year then the color and size just started to annoy me. i didn't pick it out, the ex did that, that could have explained my increased hostility towards the furniture. i have issues, i know that, and i try to work on them, but i always end back where i started.

it's like i'm in a infinite self-inflicted loop of misery, saddness, lonliness, depression, over eating, emotional eating, flabby, fatty and over spending existence. i don't even know if that makes any sense. i just get so tired of repeating my mistakes and not even realizing it until afterwards. hindsight is truly 20/20 in my case.

Sophie the Puggle is For Sale

On a coffee mug, thong, t-shirt, or calendar that is. check her out at http://www.cafepress.com/mrpuggle/7213481

she looks too cute. I know she's just a dog, but dammit, she's my dog and I love her.

makes excellent x-mas gifts.

4th of July

I'd just like to say that the 4th of July is awesome. Well, the fireworks suck, too loud, and I'm on a diet, so I can't eat at any of the cook outs, and this year I wasn't even invited to any cook outs. It's really hot outside too.

But that's not why the 4th of July is awesome. The 4th of July is awesome because it represent FREEDOM. Free is my fave word in the whole wide world. And all of it's nouns, adjetives, verbs, etc... like Freedom. I love the whole freedom of speech. We wouldn't be able to blog whatever the hell we want if it weren't for our forefathers (not 4 fathers, but those really old dudes that live back in 1776 and are now dead). They thought ahead to the future and they weren't selfish. They granted rights and freedoms to all men (and I'm sure they meant women too) That was a novel and controversial idea back in their day.

People being equal wasn't a popular concept. It still isn't. How many people have u met that like to think they r better then everyone around them? I've met too many of those types and I got news for them, their shit stinks just as bad as everyone else. So America bless God and God bless America for the 4th of July our Independce Day!!!