God's firework show last night.

wow, the lightning last night was amazing. we lost power for a couple of hours. so i just sat on the couch and watched the show out the window. it looked like there were several very close lightning strikes. but nothing has been fried electronically, so i'm thankful for that.

a guy's car alarm kept going off after every lightning strike. the dog kept growling every time the thunder shook the windows. the storm was fierce. i was in the middle of baking some brownies when the power went out. needless to say, they were a complete lost. i tried to continue baking them 2 hours later when we got power back and it was no good. they were goopy in the center and spongy on the edges. so i tossed them.

my should feels amazing. the cortizone shot into the tendon worked wonders. i slept so good. i feel rested and revived. i've been cleaning, walking the dog, checking out the storm damage.

i think today is going to be a good day. and i really need one of those.
thank you God for the free firework show last night.

Three Shots Today, Sucky Friday

dentist gave me 2 shots in my mouth. I just now was able to eat. It took 3 hours for the shot in my lower right side of my mouth to wear off.

then at the doctor, i got a cortizone shot into my left shoulder tendon.

i'm exhausted. and it started raining while i was walking the dog. so now i'm sweaty and wet, which just makes me feel dirty.

but my should is feeling better and it is friday.
i'm trying to be a positive person.
it is hard on a day like today.

wow, it is really really going to storm.

double d's tomorrow, lovely

i scheduled dentist and doctor appointments 3 hours apart tomorrow.
what did you think double D's meant, perves, mine are triple D's.

i have the dentist at noon to fill cavities.
i have 8 and they are perfectly symmetrical.
4 on each side and the same teeth and same level on each side.
symmetry is pretty and pleasing to my eye.
crooked is evil and ugly.

then at 2:30 i go to the doctor to find out why the left side of my chest is hot to the touch, hurts to touch, has lumps and i can't lift my arm over my head anymore. it's been killing me for over two weeks.
i knew it was time to go to the doctor when i thought about a taking a knife and cutting into the pain. crazy right, but it seemed reasonable to me at the time. luckily, my kid asked me why i had the knife pointed at my chest. snapped me out of it. i really wanted to cut myself, somehow i thought that would make the pain go away. but i throw up at the sight of blood, so it would not have worked. damn, bpd!

i am hoping my numbness from the dentist has worn off by the time i go to the doctor, otherwise the doctor might think i had a stroke.
that would be bad.

yes, tomorrow will be painful, but hopefully, the pain will be temporary and my chest and teeth will be all better.

o migraine, y must u visit me so often.

i got a migraine coming on. i can feel it building and it hurts. i did all my usual heading it off tactics. hot shower, followed by ice packs on my eyes and neck, excederin migrain, and no lights. but i don't think i got to it quick enough. it is going to be a nasty one.

i guess i need buckle up and be prepared to be in a dark cool room for the next 24-48 hours.

migrains just suck!!!

why does she do that?

my kid and i are walking the dog and she starts rattling off all this information about snakes.
burmese pythons have sharp teeth.
water mocassin babies have yellow tipped tails.
etc. etc. etc.

turns out she couldn't sleep last night so she watched animal planet.

she knows i hate snakes.
why does she do that?
she has filled my head up now with all kinds of snake images
and it's making me sick to my stomach.
i asked her repeatedly to stop.
i'm going to have to move to ireland, where it is snake free!

i hate being so open to suggestion.
i think she is an evil genious out to drive me even crazier so she can collect my life insurance.

now i'm going to have snake dreams tonight.
no matter how hard i try to switch those dreams off, the snakes keep popping up.
great, now i'm not going to sleep tonight.
lovely!!!
evil, my kid is evil!!!!

Amy Winehouse death

Amy Winehouse died, a tragic but not surprising death of a very talented, but lost woman. I am listening to rehab and i am thinking, people would kill for that voice, that talent.

It is amazing how our inner demons can consume us. I read she was diagnosed as bi-polar. It is typical for alot of people with bi-polar disorder to self medicate with drugs and alcohol.

i know i don't drink anymore, because when i start drinking i can't stop until i puke or pass out. there's this limbo in the booze where you don't feel anything. you aren't sad, you're not happy, it's such a relief when you are bi-polar, like i am, to reach a state of existing without a single emotion. my emotions dominate me, control me, and twist me like a loose leaf in a hurricane wind.

i get exhausted from it and i just want to kill all emotions. destroy them and exorcise the feelings, but to do that i have to destroy myself. and that is the danger. i've never been drawn to illegal drugs. i have control issues on top of being bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder. when i do drink, i prefer to drink alone. i like the quiet and numbness. it is more enjoyable.

i hope she has found peace.
that is all i have ever been searching for in my life.

another muggy day

wow, it is muggy as hades out there today.
i ran to the grocery and it poured rain and dropped 10 degrees,
but 10 minutes after the rain stopped it was back to hot and humid.
i don't miss tv at all. the kid freaked when it went out for a couple of days.
i hope we pull it together enough to get her off to college in the fall, so i can get rid of the cable for good.

i think i will stay inside today and rest.
tomorrow is a big work day, it sucks that it's a sunday, but that is how it goes with computers.
sunday and holidays are prime implementations and upgrade days.
the dog is even not wanting to go outside, so u know it is that HOT!!!

ice cream sounds really really good right now!

another ache to add to the monday pain

i slept on my shoulder wrong saturday into sunday. i could not find the proper otc med and/or ice/heat combo to make it better. so i thought, i will sleep on my right side instead of my left. it started out okay, but this morning i woke up on the sore shoulder. i am a left side sleeper! isn't weird how you sleep on a certain side of the bed (right for me) and then you sleep in a certain position (left side) without even thinking about it?!

when i was young i slept on my stomach all the time, but being pregnant at 17 broke me of that and ever since i've slept on my left side. it doesn't matter what sleeping position i start in, i wake up on my left side and i'm right handed so it makes no sense to me at all. so my shoulder hurts and aches, like i need another pain on top of my usual fms ones.

i am beginning to smell like icy hot even when i don't have any one. icy hot, ben gay, therma care patches, and ice packs when those don't work. i am on savella and it has helped a little, but when i hurt, nothing helps and it just sucks, plus it is a Monday!

but thus is my life and it could be worse, right!?

a rough morning

well, i took a nap for like 2 hours before the movie. i felt like i'd been drugged, everything was fuzzy, and i felt numb, and my limbs did not want to move. the only seats we could find at the HP D2 movie were in the very first row, so i spent the whole movie trying to recline in a seat that doesn't recline. i enjoyed the movie, my kid was disappointed harry didn't wake up naked in kings cross station. she was hoping they'd keep that, but we were very pleased with the bellatrix and mrs. weasley battle. the death of voldemort wasn't as thrilling.

i was wide awake once the movie started. we got home around 3am, had to put the pup outside to do her business and then i finished the leftovers from olive garden where we had gone to dinner earlier. i fell right back to sleep, but i started waking up every 30 minutes looking at the clock starting at 6AM, so when the alarm finally went off at 7:50AM i felt hung over, but i'm working through it.

i felt like calling in sick, but i've been doing that alot lately. it's the stress and just because i'm feeling worn doesn't mean i'm sick. although, the number of my headaches has doubled. i don't have one right at the moment and this is the exception rather then the rule. it's been a rough morning, but i hope for a better evening. it is friday after all and i don't work this weekend, sweet!!!!

harry potter at 12:10 AM, this is gonna be fun, if i stay awake

so my kid talked me into another midnight showing, this time for the last harry potter film, we are taking tissues, because we fully expect to cry.
the last midnight showing i went to was for the then latest release of the twilight series. i was showing my age man!!

i had my first red bull, and mr. bindi was created,
imaging this in a badly attempted porno style male french accent,
"hello, i am mr. bindi, and i'll be your straw this evening.
suck from me the juices and i will fill you up"

and it wasn't even a bindi straw :)

i might have to try monster drink tonight, i wonder what my hopped up but totally exhausted brain will create this evening. we shall see.
my kid is afraid and i am little afraid myself.
i don't do well when sleep deprived, staying up past 10 takes effort, especially since my meds are designed to help me get sleep.
i'll have to delay taking my meds, and that is risky for everyone, i am medicated for my own safety as well as the publics.

so exicited!!!

someone disabled my biological interface filter

wow, i've really put my foot in my mouth this time. and i can't seem to stop. i've been so hopped up on caffiene for the last couple days to stay awake to get through the extra work load that my mouth has been running at 5 times the speed of my thoughts. this has resulted in some people outside my department and maybe a few in my department to get offended. i need to get my disabled biological interface filter back on line, ie.. i need to shut my trap and focus on the work.

i've been manic for like 5 days now and i'm crashing bad. i am looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow for several reasons. i get pain pills. i get to take the afternoon off of work and i'll be so numb from the procedure i won't be able to talk for at least two hours afterwords!!!!

i'm afraid the damage might already be done though. i can't take back what i said, heck, i can't remember even a quarter of what i said. someone said well you shouldn't have said that and i was like i said that, and they were like yeah. and i was honest and said i didn't remember. that is what happens when i get manic, stuff just flies out of my mouth and i don't remember what i said or to who or when. it's is crazy!!! i was craving sugar, pop, zingers, twinkies, ice cream.... i spent money i don't have and just made a general ass out of myself in front of co-workers.

yup, a sucky week and it's only wednesday. i think i've gotten myself calmed down, but now i'm so exhausted from it all i just want to sleep for a week. i really need some vacation time!!!

weekend goals

this weekend i'd like to get some stuff from hobby lobby, 1/2 priced books, and see if i can get back on the wagon with drawing and painting. i have been unable to find any paintings i like to hang up on my bedroom wall and i need a landscape or flower painting for the dining room. i see myself painting in my mind, but it was 15 when i did my first and last oil painting.

crafts, painting, sewing, quilting, knitting, that was all my mom's thing. and no matter how much i tried, she always critized my efforts, so after the painting fiasco i just gave up. after she died, the thought of painting is bittersweet. i want to paint. i enjoyed painting and drawing when i was younger, but i have a built in anxiety for it.

i think i will work on it. now that i'm 40 days plus not watching tv, i am finding more time on my hands and i'd like to be productive with that time. grandma moses didn't start painting until she was in her 70's it is never too late to learn and grow!

Independence Day!!!

Today is my 40th day of not watching tv.
i feel independent.
i wish my kid would jump on board.

i got to spend time with my family tv.
i don't like fireworks.
i don't like fire.
i have lots of memories from childhood of firework "accidents".

it's a time of year to look past bbbq's and fireworks.
our forefather's really thought ahead,
separation of church and state,
freedom of speech,
freedom of religon,
such radical concepts back in their time.
we take them for granted.
these are still radical concepts for millions in the world.

be thankful we are free.
be thankful every independence day for our constitution.