What is on my mind today!

1 - why can't i stop thinking of scott when i know he's a liar and a cheater
2 - why are sophie the puggle's nails so short when i haven't clipped them in forever
3 - sophie the puggle is the puggle of the day at http://www.puggle.org/ (check her out!!!)

So on my birthday i get a message from a guy i went to high school with asking me to go out to dinner and a movie.
i spent the next hour trying to remember who he was.
he was part of the group of guys that were always quiet and wearing stupid smirks, so i thought they were stoners.
they weren't, just watching the girls walk by.

so he lives back home, 2 hours away, his name is John.
we talked on the phone for two hours.
he's okay, but he's already talking mistletoe and holding me, it's like slow down.
the more a man pushes me to intimacy the more i run away.
i think john is still hung up on his son's mother.
they've been broken up quite awhile, but i know how it can be.
he truly loved her and thought they were going to spend their life together.
bret still isn't over lynn and john isn't over tina.
but i agreed to drive down next weekend and to have dinner with him.
you never know unless you try right!

i am playing the truth card with scott.
not sure how he is taking it.
the mystery is gone.
the passion and chemistry is still there.
but now i know he just wants a fuck buddy i feel like i don't have to try or lie.
he's not worth the effort.

i told him that bret knows about us with all the details
and our apt. manager has known since the beginning since i asked about him,
but she doesn't have any details.
i think that's the biggest lie.
there's several smaller ones, but it was standard bullshitting to be more appealing because i didn't know if he wanted a more romantic long term relationship.
now that i know he's not long term material i don't really give a fuck anymore.
i think that has thrown him.
but i haven't talked to him since black friday because his little bunny's daddy is in town.

i asked him if there were any lies he'd like to come clean on.
like not telling me he had a live in girlfriend or that he wasn't single for example.
in case he's forgotten the bullshit he spoons out to get laid.
he's very smooth.

but bret is here and life is good.
bret and i are in a good place.
the sex is good and we click.
it is a shame he only loves me as a friend
but i'm getting over that too.
time is amazing at healing emotional wounds like unrequited love.

this next year i'm going to embrace my life like never before.
i'm making a list of things i've always wanted to do that are doable.
12 of them, one for each month of 2012.
and it has to be budget friendly since i'm going to be saving for my first house.

there are so many bad decisions i've made in the past.
i really should have died several times.
but i'm still here, so i got to pull my head out of my ass and live!!!

Time for some solitude

i'm peopled out!

why when i ask for the truth i get fed lies.
it's making me constipated with deceit.
scott said jackie said something to him about us.
so scott is mad at me and has cut me off.
not a huge loss since the sex was not good, but still it was sex.
scott and i talked quite a bit when we were switching out the car titles.
now i'm $400 short on rent, but i'm not stressed.
i was thinking we were doing this next weekend, but i guess not.

i asked jackie.
he calls me stupid, like buying the jeep was stupid.
jackie's mad about me because i asked cindy if she told jackie about me and scott.
not a huge loss there either since jackie is a schmuck.

me and my mouth are taking a vacation.
i don't go back to work until thursday.
the kid goes back to school this afternoon.
i have no reason to speak to anyone after that until thursday.
i'm going to bask in the bliss of my solitude.

it's raining all day today.
i did a 1/2 hour of exercise on the wii.
i'm watching my browns play at 1.
then the kid goes to the dorms and i go on mute.
unless it is a child or saying hi there's no need for me to chit chat.
i was being too social, it does NOT come naturally to me.

i am socially inapt, akward and i can't keep a secret.
now the whole apartment complex knows that.
at least i have bret to look forward on tuesday night.
maybe i will get an orgasim, maybe not.
i don't want to pressure him for sex.
he's got enough pressue on him with the court date.
i don't know what he's going to do if he doesn't get custody.

Happy Turkey Day 2011

i passed this thanksgiving alone. and it's been the best one ever.
my healthy eating stays intact and i don't have to clean up or puke from eating too much.
the kid is over at the paternal grandparents.
i got my miles walked.

i got a little conversation in with scott.
he did pop my ass cherry.
and he agrees it was bad sex.
so he doesn't know what to do and neither do i.
i'm thinking fuck buddies.
when he wants to get laid he just comes on down.
i don't want to marry him.
but he hasn't told his live in bunny that he's bored with her yet.
so he wants to cool it down.

i get to see him tomorrow too.
i guess we'll talk more then.
i care about him.
i thought i was the one making him feel like a bad person,
but apparently, his demon is being a man whore.
he doesn't believe in happily ever after or love
he doesn't want to be married
and he gets bored

wow, sounded like he was describing myself for a minute.
we both have a very long string of broken relationships behind us.
wow, we are both broken!

i don't want to fix him.
i don't want to save him.
i just want to have sex with him alot.

i screwed it up like always

so Monday goes by and he doesn't show. he finally fb's me to say he's still at work.
by now i'm getting a migraine, so i decide to take the medication the doctor gave me for when i feel the start of a migraine. i take two as directed.

about 2 hours later the doorbell rings and it's him. or i think it's him. i was stoned out of my ever loving mind.
i couldn't talk. i don't know how i was walking. i don't know if it was a dream or if it really happened.
i'm hoping it was an hallucination, which is a side effect of the meds, along with slurred speech, sharp stabbing pains in my arms, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness, numbness, and my favorite a decrease in sexual ability.

i had all the above and according to the internet i should have gone to the emergency room.
but instead i think i tried and failed miserably to have sex with scott.
and i was so looking forward to it.
i don't even know if he popped my ass cherry.
it's not like i could feel it, i couldn't feel anything.
i was high, i was numb.

i did pass out.
and i woke up with no migraine.
so that part worked.
but i threw them in trash
the side effects aren't worth it.

i sent scott a fb apology.
if he was here i really fucked it up.
i think i give up.
we shouldn't have to work this hard to be together.
i'm too lazy for it.

for once i am wishing it was monday already

scott said monday he's coming down and staying awhile. he has frustrations to work out.
him and me both!!! i saw him alot today and it killed me not to be able to touch him.
i just wanted to stroke his goatee and kiss is bald head, but i couldn't.
his son gave me a hug and was playing with sophie the puggle.
sophie loves the kids and they were out in full force today.

i had a very boring tedious frustrating week.
the kid keeps whining about the car, she can't get the stick thing down.
she keeps stalling out, it took her a 1/2 hour to get the car into reverse.
scott is willing to switch out the manual for the jeep he has which is an automatic,
but it's more money and he wants me to pay for all the title switching.
i told the kid to drive it home wednesday and we'd talk it over.
she says she's concerned for her saftey.

thursday after work i had a drink or 10 down at the other neighbor who was always wanting to touch my boobs.
i made a pass at him, i was really agressive, the more he turned me down the more i drank.
he wouldn't even kiss me, seriously, all i got was a bible brochure for the jehovah witness'
he's trying to get right with God. that's cool.

it's not the most creative excuse i've gotten from a man turning me down for sex,
my fave was i think i'm gay, then the very next year he married another woman.
why can't guys just say i don't want to have sex with you because your fat and ugly.

i felt so rejected, i called his bluff and he didn't even nibble.
and i showed him my boobies again.
i said look at them, why did you think they looked like gum drops?
he said, well now that i see them really well they're better then gum drops.
i laughed and laughed.

i came home and puked.
i passed out for 4 hours then woke up after midnight.
i couldn't get back to sleep so i signed into work around 3AM.
by the time i went to the ob/gyn at 9 i had work almost a whole day.
so friday i took it easy and rested then worked 2 - 4.

if scott doesn't show up monday i'm going to be so pissed off.
i have to pee on a little stick every morning to see if i'm ovulating.
then i have to have sex within 24-36 hours after the stick is positive.
if i don't ovulate in a month or by my next period i have to go back to the doctor
and she's going to put me on a pill that will cause me to ovulate.
it's a fertility drug, i told her i don't want to be an octomom, just one or two is cool.
she said the chance for twins does increase, but triplets are rare.
so i hope i am still ovulating.

i bought the cutest little pair of baby booties.
they are green and yellow striped with little yellow duckies on them.
i kiss them then rub them on my belly.
i have no idea why i do that, i'm hoping it'll bring me luck.
i like the name jack samuel for a boy.
i like the name savannah colleen for a girl.
it's all on scott, he's the one that's going to knock me up, i just know it.

A Car, A Boy, and Sex

wow, thursday afternoon began a crazy weekend. scott showed up to get his money for the car.
he threw me face down on the bed, pulled my pants down, got busy, pulled my hair and choked me.
i ain't ever been taken like that and i LIKED it!!! damn!

after work i went and got the kid and her boyfriend. he's okay. of course, i'm not going to be crazy about the boy that took my daughter's virginity, but he's better then that douche she dated in high school. she's very bossy with him, but he stands up to her, which is exactly what she needs. but feeding them is expensive, not to mention she went to the doctor friday and she has bronchitis and a sinus infection, so i had to get her meds too. and he's got a cough, so i bought him cough drops and cough meds. he's going to the doctor next weekend. sophie the puggle really likes him, cuz he pets her all the time.

friday, scott came over and we went over to his best friends' house to get the title on the car. his friend and his wife seemed really nice. i didn't talk much, i just observed. he and scott have been best friends for over 15 years.
scott says he moved to ohio because his best friend did. and scott introduced his best friend to his wife when he worked with his wife. they're really close.

i wondered if they liked scott's current live in girlfriend. and if they like me or not. scott and i just talked while we were in the car. it was nice. we usually are busy fooling around and don't really talk.

i told him my kid is bossy with her boyfriend and he said she's dominant then, and i said, yes she takes after me.
he couldn't stop laughing, he said you aren't dominant, and i said i usually am the dominant one, but i'm not with you.
he is the exception to my one rule, to not be submissive to a man or let him have power over me.

he has shattered my one rule to a million pieces.

he didn't believe that i'm normally the dominant one in a relationship. if he talked to anyone i've dated in the past, except bret, he'd see different. i had such high hopes for bret being my one exception, but he was NOT dominant in the bedroom. it was a let down.

so saturday i went and got the temp tags for the car, my driver's license renewed, and my registration done. a very expensive trip, and next month to get the plates and registration on the new car is $110. my kid is always costing me money, but i love her.

we had to jump start the car because it had been sitting for a week. i put $20 of gas in it then they followed me to the dog park, because it has a huge parking lot for the kid to learn to drive the manual car in it. they let sophie play at the dog park then they practised driving. she keeps stalling it and had trouble with 3rd and 4th gear.

so i asked scott to come down and take her out for a driving lesson without the boyfriend. they were gone about an hour. he said she can do it, she just has to focus, he had her on a hill and she did fine. so he said let her drive to wal-mart with me in the car and don't say anything.

his exact words to me "get in, hold on, shut up"

i did that and the boyfriend kept talking. we almost rolled back into a car. so they did a chinese fire drill at a light. but it's progress!!!!

today they go have lunch with the boyfriend's mom, she hasn't met him yet. then they go back to campus. i told her she has to keep gas in the car. i will have my peace and quiet back by 3pm, yipee!!!!

just in time for me to sign into work!

so relieved

i've lost 50 pounds since this time last year. i've lost 9 pounds since i was at the doctor in septemember. my sugar went down from 6.4 in september to the 6.1 the ob/gyn did last week. my doctor was so proud of me, she hugged me.

she told me to stay motivated through the holidays and she'd see me in feb and she's confident if i keep exercising and losing weight my sugar will drop back down below 6 which is normal.

i told her i was confused on carbs and how many i should eat a day. she told me to keep the carbs under 120 per day and to make them come from fruits, whole grains, and vegtables. she says i'm doing everything right and it's just going to take more time. she said she'd be thrilled if i could just take off 20 more pounds.

i feel so much better now. i was all worked up about it. i got my flu shot too.

i feel great and healthy. my fms, mood swings, and general blahness is gone for the most part. i told her the sugar thing had been depressing me, but she was encouraging and confident that i could get it under control with no medications.

this is such happy happy news!!!
life is looking good right now.
i can do this, this is my year!!!

woke up crying

i'm so very sad today. i woke up with tears running down my face. i had been dreaming earlier in the night of scott and happily ever after, but as the night progressed my dreams turned darker. i was in a hospital in a gown. i was frantically walking around endless corridors with doors that wouldn't open. i didn't know where i was, it was like every hospital i'd ever been in since i was a child was combined into one huge hospital in my head.

i was in alot of hospitals growing up with my mother's illness taking us lots of different places. dad and i would kill time by wondering aimlessly around these old and huge hospitals. we'd find chapels, and just empty spaces that we sometimes could never find again. i can't imagine my life being as sick as my mother was.

i hate hospitals. they smell like clean death. i woke up so sad, anxious, and just strung out with worry.

today, in a few minutes, i go back to the doctor for more testing on my sugar levels. my ac1 is 6.1 which indicates pre-diabetes.

i got books a tthe library on it and bought one at a store, plus i've been reading about it on the internet and all i can say is i'm so confused.
every book and site gives these steps to stopping or reversing pre-diabetes

1 - lose weight (even 10% of your body weight can help) --- i've lost 17% of my body weight this year

2 - exercise at least a 1/2 hour every day --- i exercise an hour every day

3 - eat a well balanced diet with limited starchy carbs -- i removed all "white" starchy carbs like potatoes from my diet months ago

4 - eat at regular 2-3 hour intervals (don't skip meals) - this is one i could work on, i eat when i'm hungry, but i always have breakfast, lunch and dinner

i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i feel so frustrated. according to all the books and web sites my sugar should be fine.

i'm so freaked out, i was telling scott about it because he could tell i was upset and i started to cry.
he gave me a hug and said they can do things for this it's not the end of the world.
but i don't want to have to stick myself with some meter all day long and give myself shots or take pills.
i'm trying to have a baby here, this is the worst timing ever.

i have alot of questions for my doctor. it's like i just can't catch a break on my health.
first it was tryglcerides and chlosterol.
then it was my vitamin d
and now it's my sugar.

i fix one thing and another gets out of whack!!!!
i'm so very sad about that.

The Internet took a nap this morning

wow, my internet went down for like 20 minutes. i was in a panic. i was thinking i forgot to pay the bill. i was going to have to drive into the office. then it just came back, after turning everything off and unplugging the cable from the wall for 30 seconds and then rebooting. i can't function without the internet. i miss it. i work from home using it three days a work. i google everything!!!! the internet has become an extremely critical piece of my life. my dad doesn't have it, so i know you can live without it, but not when you're a computer programmer, that just doesn't work!!!

friday got even worse. scott never showed or facebooked me to tell me he wasn't going to show. so i got really depressed and wee bit angry at him. i just want him to follow through. if he tells me he's coming over then come over, even if it's a minute! or at least facebook me and tell me you can't make it. he frustrates the crap out of me. i ignored him intentionally when i saw him out saturday working on his car, i wouldn't even make eye contact with him or his little bunny. i did send the kid up there to ask about when we are switching titles on the car and he said he'd come down and talk about it later. i told my kid to not hold her breath cause you can't believe a word out of his mouth. he's a liar and cheater. i know all that and i still want him to fuck me. i figure his sperm is the best shot i got at getting pregnant. he's already got 7 kids so i know he's loaded and fully able to produce a child. and he's not a bad guy, he's just a selfish irresponsible snake in the grass and aren't most men that have that many kids with 6 different women always like that. i don't want to marry him, i just want him to help me reproduce. much more fun then a sperm bank or a turkey baster

well i think my ignoring him bothered him, so he came down twice on sunday while she was home and we screwed around again. this time there was penetration though, so that's progress. he says there's things he wants to do to me that he doesn't think i'm ready for. he is rough and dominate. that's different for me. usually with sex i'm the aggressive one. so it's nice to let him be the boss. but i am breaking my one rule, letting a man have control over me or dominion so to say. but when he touches me the world exists in only one plane and there's only one thought and it's so amazing and beautiful the way i can just feel him in me and on me. like heaven!!! and he smells so good and tastes wonderful. i want to lick every hairy inch of his sexy beastness. but i digress.

the car switch over takes place saturday nov. 12th. he's worried if the kid wrecks the car i won't give him the rest of the money on dec. 16th. he's really been screwed over in the past by some women and i'm sure he's done his fair share of screwing women over too. i told him that wouldn't be his fault and i'd pay the rest of the money even if she wrecked it. i am a woman of my word!!!

Pin Cushion Day

went for my yearly female doctor visit and got poked like a pin cushion.
i am trying to have a baby now, i ain't getting any younger ya know.
so i had to get a vaccination for whooping cough, a flu shot, and blood taken to make sure all is right with my fertility.
i am not pregnant, but i've not had a period sine the last one ended sept. 4th.
i have to go back in a couple of weeks and if i still haven't started she will give me a shot to start my period again.
i'm ready to have a baby.
i'm looking forward to having a little one again.
i had hoped when i was married to have at least two, but that didn't work out.
now i am apply my ability to single mindly focus on things to conceiving.
wish me luck!

I hate to wait

so i'm home working this afternoon waiting on fed ex to deliver my new ipod with the fitness application.
i'm so anxious. i was so worried that since it shipped to the wrong place i'd never get it.
but luckily they rerouted before the first delivery attempt and now it is on its way to me!!!

i'm not a patient person.
i hate to wait.
i tie myself up in a ball of anxious energy.

once the ipod arrives that is one less thing for me to be waiting on.

the naughty neighbor, scott, has my undivided attention at the moment.
i am waiting on him, he said soon, is that tomorrow, or friday.
it's usually fridays, it was this past friday.

we were talking about the car and then somehow we ended up on the living room floor with me riding him.
how come i'm the only one that ends up naked?
we dry humped, how high school is that!
then we went into the 1/2 bath where he reached climax during a titty fuck.
i have yet to get off.
this is a very lop sided sexual relationship thus far.
it's been going on since the beginning of august, so for three months now, he's managed to keep me hanging on.
we've done oral sex, titty fucks, made out, he gave me hickey's, he's come on me multiple times,
but alas, i have not come once, he's not pentrated me once, or ate me out once.
what the hell am i doing here?

when he touches me my mind shuts off, it's like heaven,
i go from a million spinning thoughts to none.
he's like a drug, and i'm so addicted.
i'm not ashamed,
i think i'm sexually frustrated, so i asked him when and he said soon.
oh, i do hope i'm not disappointed.
there's so much hype here with our sexual chemistry.