fluzzy woozy new year

i have the FLU!!! this major major sucks. cuz once again bret can't come to see me cuz he could get sick this time. and i've not seen him for 2 weeks now. it's bumming me out dudes. i am totally wasted on nyquil. sneezing is annoying, coughing is excruciating, but nothing sucks the worst then explosive diarrhea!!!

another new year with no one to kiss at midnight, i'm sick of it, literally this time. but at least i have the dog, she loves me, can dogs get the flu?
i hope not, sophie have diarrhea would be BAD!!!

happy new year!!!

Post holiday depression

yup, i'm totally depressed. at least i have some strongbow in the fridge. like drinking will make me feel any better, but at least i won't feel any worse. last day off before i head back to work for a 4 day week. he wasn't able to visit, throwing my designs in disarray. how am i to show him how fabulous i am if he's never here?

well, i don't he'll come down next week either. we are both flat broke. mine is more self-inflicted then his. i keep eating out. porking up for my new year's revolution of changing myself. why do i think i'm going to starve to death when i'm fucking 100 pounds over weight. that's totally in my head, right?! me and food have a chaotic and symbiotic relationship. i really do have to blame my mother on this one. who takes an 8 year old to the doctor complaining she's too fat and asking if they can send me to a dietician or give me a pill for it. i was chunky, sheesh, if she stopped giving me a cookie every fucking time i got cried maybe i wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place and end up equating food with feeling better!!!

i do love my mom, but she did some serious mental damage when it comes to my self image. i've tried not to do the same to my kid, but we all do damage to our children. even when we go out of our way not to, it makes them weak, and think the whole world is supposed to clap every time she walks by. my kid can't take any kind of criticism without thinking it's a personal attack of a physical nature on her entire being. that's my fault, because i was over critized by my mother, i never critized my own child. see damage done when i was trying to rectify the mistakes of my mother.
it's just a sick and twisted circle. it really is.

Merry Christmas to All!!!

Well, i made my round of merry christmas calls and text messages. I saw a video of Mom that my sister-in-law posted on facebook from her last christmas 15 years ago. i cried. i had forgotten so much about her and her voice and her mannerisms. i miss her so much. i cried, i laughed, my heart ached. what a way to start christmas day, firmly bawling over the past. i wish she were here. christmas has never been the same since she died. i'm trying to be brave and put my big girl panties on and just suck it up. but it's so hard. so hard.

merry christmas everyone. hug the ones you love, you never know when your last christmas will come.

No Joy to the Season anymore

I tell ya Christmas without little children to help celebrate it is just about as exciting as watching grass grow. Seriously, me and my 19 year old, already knew everything we were getting, tho, I did manage 1 little surprise. We've already opened everything and life has moved on. There's no joy in Christmas without a young child's thrill, awe, and excitement for the holiday. I miss the Christmas' when my kid was like 11 and under. Before the reality of no santa sunk in and it became about what she was getting more then the joy of the giving itself.

I guess someday, not soon or even in the next 5 years, when I have a grandchild (cuz isn't 1 always enough) the joy of Christmas will come back to me. I look forward to it.

Santa Claus, IN rocks if you have young kids, google it!!!

christmas is disappointment

well, i'm spending christmas eve without the man i adore. he's on call at work christmas eve and day for snow removal. and he has to report to work an hour after being called and i live 3 hours away. so he just can't come to visit. so much for playing naughty santa. it just totally takes the cheer out of my christmas spirit.

my kid works noon - 4 tomorrow. and christmas day we are supposed to be buried in snow, so no driving 2 hours to visit family. the car can barely handle driving back and forth to work. wow, christmas is going to suck. which is so sad.

christmas is all about disappointment. first when you are a kid and you rip open all your presents totally excited until they are all open and you didn't get a damn thing you wanted! And then when you get a little older and you find out santa isn't real, what a disappointment. then when you become an adult and you make all these plans and they fall through or you can't afford to buy any christmas presents, major disappointments. Christmas is and always has been tied to disappointment!

i miss my mom now more then ever. this was her favorite time of year. i can't believe that 15 years ago this was her last christmas. today is my nephew's 15th birthday. mom went to see him in virginia and a month later she died. she'd be so proud of him and all her grandchildren. my mom was truly a person that lived for others, especially her grandchildren.

merry christmas and happy new year. i'm already disappointed so there's not much more depressed i can get at this point.

After the Long weekend

i am exhausted!

bret and the puppy, named otis, are now safe at their home getting settled. this weekend was full of activity. we made xmas cookies, played with the puppies, had long deep conversations, went to see tron (3 out of 5 stars), ate out, and just connected i think at a very deep level this weekend.

this weekend was less about the physical part of our relationship and explored more emotional connections. he was melancholy and way to hard on himself. i encouraged him to give himself a break. he's been through alot in just the past 6 months. why do we find it easier to forgive others then to forgive ourselves?

merry christmas and happy new years!!!

I love giving awesome gifts for christmas

Bret and Jade loved the video of the puppy I posted for them. And Bret gave me the okay to pick them the puppy up as their Christmas present. I picked up the puppy, yet to be named at lunch today and he is just so much fun. He and our dog, Sophie, are just having a blast.

He's whizzed in the house 3 times now!!!

I think he's trying to mark his spaces. Sophie makes sure he gets no more attention then she does. I'm excited. Bret thinks I'm more excited then he is and he's probably right. I just love that I found their dog for them. I feel like a matchmaker full of happiness and love.

Christmas rocks!!!

Revolution!

i'm trying to come up with my new year's resolutions. i seldom keep them. i had forgotten what the word resolution even meant, so i googled it:

resolution - a noun, a course of action determined.
or decided on. firm determination.

there's other ways to define the word for laws and physics, but the above is applied to the tradition of the new year's resolution.

i noticed the word revolution and resolution are only one letter apart. so why can't the new year's resolutions you make cause a revolution in your life?

a sudden, radical and complete change to how you live your everyday life.
there are many reasons why the new year's resolutions fail. but this year i'm not making resolutions. i'm having a shannon revolution!

i like it!

i'm going to make huge changes with gusto, passion, and enthusiasm. goodbye to the old me and hello to the new me.

there is alot to do. i must plot my overthrow of my current existence and make plans for the new ruler of my life!!! Yes, I like it!

Cramps

i hate life right now. i'm almost 40 and i get cramps like i'm in my 20's still. i started a birth control pill 2 months ago that was supposed to reduce cramping and the length of my period. So far, it gave me 2 periods and a trip to the hospital in November and now my Dec. period is really painful and crampy. I go to the doctor this coming Friday and see if I give it 1 more full month or kick it's sorry ass to the curb. I'm too old for this shit.

It's been awhile

i can't really say i've not blogged cuz i've been busy. i've been more in a blue funk really. i get excited about christmas, realize how broke i am, and how much i miss my mom, and how my relationship isn't exactly what i hoped it would be, and i get depressed, sit on the couch all day and star out the window!

yup, exciting right?

but now i'm getting sick, so i'll have a real reason to mop and not just the emotional baggage that i carry around in my head. sore throat, stuffy nose, and a headache, all right before the weekend. and i have alot to do this weekend too, more then the standard cleaning that i put off until sunday at 6pm to do. gab's got work. i got to prep for visitor's next weekend. the washer is fixed, so laundry must be done, work won't like it if i come in naked.

so much to do, there's barely any food in the house, i got bills to pay, the dog needs bathed, brushed and fought with to get her toe nails clipped. that's like trying to brush the teeth on a alligator. she doesn't like it and goes wild like a bucking bronco when you bring out the toe nail clippers. i could pay someone to do it, but you did read how broke i am up above right???

tis the season to lose your mind, fa la la la la f*ck!!!