Lost Its Shine

Christmas has lost its shine for me.
i have a tree. it is decorated. it has presents under it.
i went shopping. i spent money.
i opened doors for people. i smiled. i listened to christmas music.
i said merry christmas. i said happy holidays.
i asked people if they had plans. i called family to wish them joy.
i feel dead inside. i am void of all emotions.
christmas is death.

i was in the mall. i went to get away from this chattering little annoying man at work.
while i was eating my lunch a christmas song came on the loud speaker.
it was one of my mother's favorite christmas songs.
i suddenly had a wave of christmas memories of my mother come back to me and i cried in the middle of the mall food court.
i could not stop it or avoid it, i cried into my sandwich.

my mother loved loved loved christmas.
she was very poor growing up as a kid.
She was one of eight children; her dad was a drunk that seldom worked; grandma didn't work and they barely ate.
She married dad who did work and they could afford to celebrate christmas.
We didn't have a lot of money and I don't think it was really about the presents.
My mom loved the process and the excitement and the spirit of christmas.

She loved christmas, she would just glow at the holiday.
we'd have to go to church functions.
we'd do caroling and drive around to look at christmas lights.
the presents were wrapped and the tree was decorated with care.
we'd bake cookies and decorating them.

my mother went all out for christmas.
she made it really special for me and my brother's.
i still hang up the christmas stocking she made me by hand while she was pregnant with me.
she added my name right after i was born so it would be on there for my first christmas.
i wasn't even a month old on my first christmas.

Of course when we grew up and became teenagers we ruined it for her.
We became ungrateful and greedy and just a pain in her ass.
And then I redeemed myself and had her first grandchild and christmas was saved again.
She had 4 years with her grandbaby; 4 amazing christmas' filled with the wonderment and awe only a child can bring into the mix.
I miss those christmas years of the shine and the glow.

Yes, for me christmas has lost its shine.