i stubbed my freaking toe!!!

so i'm healing from falling onto the patio and today i stub my freaking toe. what the hell?

do i need to learn to walk again or something?

i am falling over for no reason.
i can't walk a straight line.
i FORGOT how to ride a bike!!!! (seriously)

and now i keep walking into the damn furniture.

i think i ate a brain tumor for breakfast!~

i fell down

wow, i was hoping one day i'd outgrow my accident prone clumsy self. but i guess not. 5am today i got up, went potty, brought the dog downstairs so she could do the same, and when i stepped out onto the patio to pick up her leash, while i was holding her by the collar, i tripped over my own foot and fell HARD!!!!

The dog ran off. I landed on the my right knee and elbow, rolled and ended up on by back near the grass with my feet in the dirt on the side. and the worse thing was i was in my pj's and i had no underwear on, so my ass was cold, since my pj's was a pull over with no bottoms. ugh!!!

so i managed to finally get up and the dog is NO WHERE in sight. I call for her, nothing. Great!!! I come in wipe up some of the blood off my knee and elbow, take my medicine, drink some water and wonder what the hell to do about the dog.

i go out back and whistle and call for her -- NOTHING!!!

i go out front and whistle and call for her -- i hear the jingle of her license on her collar, thank God!!!

She actually comes to me. She was one front porch over, sniffing. She came right to me, and let me pick her up!!!! and we came in the house. Needless to say, I was so proud of her, so i gave her part of a cookie for being such a good girl.

We go upstairs and wake up my daughter to see if she knows where the first aid kit is, she doesn't and she's bitchy about me waking her up.

I go in my bathroom to clean my scrapes that look alot like the ones I used to get when i was 7 - 10 years old and i'd fall off my bike. gab brings me a small first aid kit with band aids and cleaning alcohol wipes.

i'm finally in bed, ready to try to go back to sleep since it's almost 6 am now.
and sophie is still wound up. so i get up to check on her and she pee'd and pooped. i guess she was too shaken up when she was outside to bother going to the bathroom. but i can't be mad at her, this one was all my clumsy ass fault.

so i clean up her mess and we get back in bed and she steps on my knee, ouch!!!!

but i must off fallen back to sleep cuz the next thing i know it's 7:45 and the alarm is going off. now my hip and should are throbbing and my scrapes have turned red. so i clean them with the alcohol wipes, talk about burn baby burn!

and come downstairs and sign on to work, and very CAREFULLY but the dog on the leash.

i know i grumble at the office and to anyone who will listen about how accident prone my daughter is, but i can't do that anymore, because she's just like her mother!

the woes of being a woman

another day of severe cramping and bleeding for naught. i'm not having another child ever, so i just bide my sweet time until menopause. how i envy women that don't have periods. my brain has been so fuddled i drove right past my exit yesterday. i didn't realize it until i saw home depot, which is right after my exit. i had lost all sense of where i was in the drive. i had to turn around and come back to it.
i hate when i space out while i'm driving. it's like i turn into a car zombie or go on automatic pilot.

my lower back has been throbbing and knotted lately. it aches and hurts and i really am getting aggravated over it. i've been using icy hot, taking over the counter stuff for it, but nothing seems to work. i know i just twisted it or strained it somehow. i think if i could lose some weight and get my bones and muscles some relief from all this hideous fat on me, then just maybe i wouldn't hurt so much.

my shoulder hurts so bad sometimes that i am tempted to take a knife and cut where the pain is, it's pressure and burning and just feels like my muscle is tied up in a knot. i know logically if i cut my shoulder with a knife not only will i still have the original pain, but there will be new pain, blood, and loads of questions about my mental health, but the temptation remains.

i've avoided asking the doctor for meds to help. i hate popping pills. but i think i've hit a full fledge flair up and if it's between slicing and dicing myself when i'm wracked with pain or taking a muscle relaxer, the pill wins. this makes me sad. i've been prescription free for over two years now, but this is the worst i've hurt in a very long time.

i guess we'll see what the doctor says when i go.

friday the 13th

i loathe friday the 13th's, all my bad luck seems to jump me on these days. i trip, i fall, i get sick, i screw things up. today i have a cold, the runs, i tripped, stubbed my toe, and this was before i realized it was friday the 13th.

people are giving me shit for no reason. i'm already bummed over my kid not being able to go back to college cuz i can't afford it. now my kid's whining about getting a job. i wish sitting on ur ass all day playing computer games paid money, but it doesn't!!! no job = no education, she just ain't getting it.

somedays it's just hard to justify a reason to get out of bed at all and today is definitely one of them.

my failed experiment

i attempted to unplug from technology for a whole week. i caved after 2 days. i had been doing well. the silence was nerve wracking at first but i adapted to it. i even wrote some on my short story the she-geek. but the 2nd night i was tired and hurting so i crashed in bed and turned on the tv to watch pretty little liars. i didn't really miss the internet or even the tv that much. all tho i did find myself wanting to google things.

i wanted to see if i could focus on my writing in the evenings after work and unload some of these ideas i've had spinning in my head for years. it turns out i'm so fucking lazy i couldn't even do that for more then a day. i think we need another wind storm to knock power out for 4 days so i can force myself to make some progress.
i don't want to be a computer programmer the rest of my life. i want to write. i love to write. i just lack the discipline.

i've always lacked self-control. this is depressing me. i will try again. it's all in my head, the stories, that is, if i can just sit down and get it out i think i'd feel much better.

pay day friday's are supposed to be happy days

i'm so depressed. there has been no solution to the college shortage of funds. looks like my daughter will have to withdraw from college on monday. and to make matters worse i bounced a check, i thought it had cleared, i checked it off and everything, i must of got it confused with another check. i am a financail train wreck!

my daughter is going to spend a week with her grandma next week. there are job openings at the hospital in nutrition and the cafeteria that are entry level. her aunt works at the hospital so i am hoping her aunt can guide her through the application process. she has to get a job and work and save so she can get back to school. it might not be a 4 year place, but start at a 2 year and build up. she wants it all and she wants it now and it's just falling to pieces.

i feel bad that i can't afford to send her to college for another year, but my finances took a serious beating the last 4 years. i was laid off 3 times in 4 years and 2 of them were in the same year. i'm still paying for defaults and such from those times. we just can't catch a break!

i really want to have a good weekend. please let me get some good news soon.

running out of options

the deadline for gab to head back to college is fast approaching and i'm worried that we won't have the money for her to go. the financial burden is double what the fafsa said it would be. even with the extra money from my parent plus loan being rejected, the amount i need to come up with is a thousand dollars more then last year, plus books, plus expenses. i just don't think we will be able to cut it.

i have to call the school again and see where they are on the parent plus loan application. my terrible credit is really biting my kid's future in the ass right now. i had no concept of what credit was in college, so i took every credit card i was offered. i had to file bankruptcy within a year after graduation.

i limped along. and things were somewhat better when the layoff's started. 3 times in 2 years. the credit cards got maxed out, then i couldn't pay them, then they defaulted and now i'm being garnished to pay them off. and my credit is worse then it has ever been. i had hoped she could take out a private loan on her own, but she has no credit, so they wouldn't give it to her. she needs a co-signer. unfortunately, the entire family has suffered the last couple of years and no one has the credit score needed to co sign with her.

i hate to think she has to give up her dream or even alter it's course, but i'm running out of options. even if she gets a job on campus that will only cover expenses, not tuition. i barely paid the bill last year, if it hadn't been for a big tax return, i'd still owe the school money. i'm praying for a miracle and hoping for one too, but with our luck, she'll have to drop out, and get a real job, and work and save to go back after a year off. she hates the idea, but as i told her, life doesn't always go the way you want it too.