I Only Speak Up in My Mind

I see injustice and rudeness all the time, but i only speak up in my mind.
I don't like confrontation. I know I should say what I'm thinking and stop it, but I just shake my head and move on. What is it about me that makes me run and hide at the mere thought of calling someone out on their behavior? I'm a coward.

The only time I feel comfortable telling someone off is if they're younger then me. Like the two girls here that got into a girl fight. I broke it off. And told the girl that started it that she is to use her words and not her fists and the next time she came on the property she'd be arrested for trespassing. if that had been two adults fighting i would have just walked away. their adults, let them beat the crap out of each other. why do i care?!

the older i get the odder and more set in my ways i become.
my phobias grow and i want to stay in my home all the time.
i want to buy a house and never leave it.
if i had the money to do that i'd get everything off the internet.
i know this is not healthy. we are to want human contact, but i don't.
every time i try to meet people and put myself "out there" i get hurt.
you'd think i'd have tougher skin by now but i don't.

i'm twisted and broken down.
i don't want to interact with anyone in person.
people are rude, selfish, disgusting, and full of germs.
i am too, but they're my germs so i must live with them.
even my own kid is getting on my last nerve lately.

i guess i just hope this is a phase and my new medication will kick in and it'll pass!

The Bottom of the World

I feel like i'm at the bottom of the world and every one and every thing is pressing down on me. I can't move. I can't feel. I force myself to breath and it takes all my effort! I'm so worn out! Exhaustion doesn't begin to cover this overwhelming desire to sleep all the time. Today is the first day in over a month I've had any energy. I got a lot accomplished. Now I'm ready to sleep again for another month.

This disease I have has swallowed me whole again.
I swallow the anti-depressant every night at 7:30 in the evening. Some days that's the only time I get out of bed. My head hurts every day. I try different over the counter medications to no effect. The doctor says it'll take time as it always does to overcome the depression. I keep thinking one of these days I'll have no more time to wait it out.

Nothing motivates me.
Nothing interests me.
Nothing excites me.
Nothingness is all that gets me.

I haven't written creatively in awhile either.
I hate the side effects of the medication that's supposed to save me.
The lull I fall into kills me and placates me.
I feel as if the keys on the computer are like the keys on a piano; this is how I make my music. This is how I soothe my hurting soul. I don't know what to do when I can't do this, I feel lost!

A wave of apathy has swept all of me out to sea and no one is coming to rescue me!