199 and going down!

friday, a month ahead of my 39th birthday, i reached my 199 pound goal. I have 34 more pounds until i reach my final goal of 165 pounds.
i am walking, working out on the wii, watching what i eat, and wearing a size 14.
i am rocking it out!!!

i have to stay dedicated and focused.
these next two months are a critical time.
there will be temptation everywhere.
i cannot let myself give in to old habits.

it's bad enough i can't contain my desires.
the naughty neighbor and i were talking all business, the car i'm buying off of him.
then it took a turn toward the scandalous and we had another "moment"
he called me monica and i said okay bill.
his only dilemma seems to be us living in the same apartment complex.
you aren't supposed to cheat where you live.
so he has no issue with cheating on his live in girlfriend at all.
i found that interesting.

i would like to graduate to actually having all of his clothes off.
and real sex would be nice.
but i'm just enjoying these moments.
it's not like anyone else is knocking down my door.

bret is over and done for good this time.
i care about him, but he takes out his life's frustrations on me.
then he is just brutally mean to me.
and i'm too sensitive to the critisicms to take anymore.
it's not my fault his house got robbed, his daughter has walking pnemonia, and his landlord is evicting him for not paying rent.
but when i tried to take his mind off of it, he snapped my head off.
i don't know what else i can do or say.
i told him i was sorry and i hoped his kid made a quick recovery and i felt bad for him
and if he needed anything to let me know.
i can't do anything right with him and i'm tired of trying.

A Mishap at the Dentist

Today i went to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist. The dental hygenist can't get the water pick to work. So I have to rinse out with a cup. No big deal.
So she starts polishing my teeth and i feel something cold and wet on my legs and private area.
the water pick is shooting a steady stream of cold water onto my legs and private area.
she starts freaking out, grabs the water pick and drops it into the sink and runs out to get me a towel.
the water pick is shooting water up and out of the sink onto my chart and soaking it.
so i grab my chart and move it then i move the water pick so the water is going down into the sink.
she's really agitated now, but i can't stop laughing.
this type of thing happens to me all the time!!!

thankfully, i had on the track pants, but they were soaked and so were my panties.
i got home and changed, and hoped that was the most eventful part of my day, but it wasn't.

i ordered me a birthday present, a brand new ipad nano with the fitness chip in it.
it'll clip on and track your workouts, which i think is cool.
i double checked the address i saw on the screen and placed my order.
30 minutes later i checked my email and saw the confirmation email and the shipping address wasn't my current address!!!!
it's my old address, but the bill to address is correct.
the only address i was asked to verify was the bill to address, i thought i had checked the box that said use the bill to address as the ship to address, but guess not.

and the best part in less then 30 minutes it's already in shipping status so i can't change it.
i call the help line in a panic, i'm freaking out man,
the tech said she can't change it, but she put in notes to reroute it to my correct address.
i told her it's an apartment, what if they sign my name for it.
she says to watch the tracking on it, and if they sign my name for the delivery, i would call back and open a case, and i'd have to file fraud and theft charges against them to get a new one sent to me for no additional costs.

luckily, i still had my old landlords email address.
and luckily, he still reads his email and uses it and owns the property.
he contacted the current residents and asked them to refuse the delivery so it could reroute to me
and they agreed.

so here's hoping this rerouting thing works next week and i get my new ipod.
all my information is now correct up at apple.
the ipod is even engraved with my motto of inspiration, never quit, never surrender!
yes, i know i got it from galaxy quest, but i like it.

but i'm starting to wonder if bret's bad luck is contagious or if i'm so distracted by sexual thoughts of scott, what else am i gonna screw up
i got to get rid of these men, they are going to be the death of me.

Today Sucked!

work was exhausting and brutal. i have a problem that has me stumped which is just adding to the long list of my frustrations.
bret got his house broken into and all his and his daughter's stuff stolen.
his daughter has walking pneumonia at 6.
plus, his boss/landlord told him if he didn't get his custody stuff resolved on 11/30 he needed to move.
wow, when it rains it pours and i was of no comfort.
i couldn't say more then i'm sorry, i feel bad, i hope your daughter feels better.
then i just started to ramble on and on about myself.
and he went off on me, rightly so, i wasn't being consoling or comforting.
i'm not good at that sort of thing.
i don't function well in times of crisis, i shut down and go on auto pilot.

on the up side yesterday, scott, jackie, and other told me i was pretty.
that's always nice to hear.

i'm getting away from my goals.
i'm losing my focus. i'm letting others influence me again
i think i will meet my birthday goal of 199 pounds, i actually lowered it to 192.
but as usual i'm getting obsessed with it and i'm afraid i'll take it off too quickly.
my birthday isn't until nov. 28th
so it is time to readjust my perspective and zero back in on my health.

tonight was grilled chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce (red. fat)
and a granny smith wood chuck hard cider.
that's a fruit serving right ;)

so sick of driving

wow, i put 649 miles on the car and spent $600 bucks this weekend.
Friday was getting the kid from college, doing her laundry, and taking her to the sprint store to replace her blackberry which got wet and died.
so we upgraded her to the i phone (she's in love with it) and we upgraded my dad to a phone with big buttons.
so early merry christmas to both of them.
$208 at the sprint store, but i have to buy stamps to send a $50 rebate.
she had my number until sunday afternoon and i'm still getting texts and calls from her college buddies.
i did her laundry, picked up her prescription and we bought her groceries.

saturday we headed to indiana to great uncle dave's 80th birthday party.
we had to go through richmond to get to hoagland
so we picked up my neice and her boyfriend.
then we went to see my cousins in richmond before we headed to the hog roast.
i spent 8 hours in the car on saturday.
my back still hurts and my ass is still clenched.
but i got to see alot of family that i hadn't seen in 10 years.
and damn, we age well!!!
my cousin gave me the motivation i needed to get my last pounds off,
she reminded me how stubborn we are as a family,
and when we make up our minds to do something we get it done.
so i'm renewed.
great uncle dave is going to hike the grand canyon AGAIN!!!
awesome!
i had cousin tim's homemade BBQ sauce.
boy, did i reqret that around 3AM the next morning.

today was getting gab back to the sprint store so she could get her phone # back and stop using mine.
taking her back to college and unloading her.
a grocery trip for me, eggs, cheese, milk, fruit, veggies and soup.
i am focused and driven to meet by goal by my 39th birthday (nov. 28th)
my goal was to be under 200 LBS (199) but now I want 195, i have 10 pounds!!!
I did 2 miles walking friday night, saturday before we left, and today after i got back from dropping off the kid.

i'm focusing on myself and my health.
if the naughty neighbor comes around we will see what happens.
he's lived with his little bunny since feb. and we started are fucking around in early august.
she said it's like dating herself and it's so normal, i almost yawned.
i asked isn't that boring and she said there's enough twist that it's okay.
he and i have such passion and chemistry, it's a damn shame we aren't exploring that on a regular basis.
but i can't get wrapped around this and let it consume me.
i do deserve better.
i jokingly told her about when gab asked if scott and i were having sex cuz i patted him on the shoulder
and i told her no, you'll get my ass kicked by his woman.
and she laughed and said i know that wouldn't happen.
like he wouldn't cheat on her or he just wouldn't cheat with me???
i am offended.
she has no fucking clue that he comes down here and we fuck around.
NONE. if she's that fucking clueless she deserves it.
she went on and on on how if he cheated or wanted an open relationship she'd be gone.
after i get what i want she might just get an ear full.

I love hard cider

it is raining like crazy crazy cold rain.
so i thought, what's good on a cold, dreary, depressing rainy day, answer, booze!!!
so i went to the store and i bought an orchard of hard ciders, a variety pack, of 4 different kinds,
and of course, i got a six pack of my fave, strongbow, God bless England!!!

so i told scott (aka the naughty neighbor) our little "chats" are done.
i did it the coward's way, i facebook'd msg'd him, giggles!
and i've been avoiding him, because i know that if he touches me i will cave.
and i have to be strong, i deserve better!!!

i've been such a bad bad girl today.
i had a good healthy lunch and breakfast.
it was the snacks that got me, cookies, pumpkin donuts, and brownies, yums...
and then i topped off with kfc for dinner.
i'm no angel, but i can't go off the rails now.
i've worked too hard and come too far.

so tomorrow i climb back on the work horse.
i hit the wii, if it's still raining, i hit the wii hard, for an hour.
if i have do 15 minutes at a time i will, but i will get my exercise in.
i stocked up on fruit, eggs, cheese, and milk.
so i got my essentials.

now i just got to focus, buckle down, and get the job done, only 35 more pounds to go.
i can do it!!!

the microwave is alive!

i was putting in gab's old college microwave so i'd have one until i could replace the newer one that i had thought was dead.
i plugged in the small one and it didn't work.
so i grabbed a little light i have and plugged into all the kitchen plugs and ALL 3 kitchen plugs to the left of the stove don't work and the 3 to the right of the stove do.
so i went and got the newer microwave and plugged into one of the plugs that work and it's ALIVE!!!
i did me a major happy dance and squealed with delight.
i am so happy i don't have to buy a new microwave.
i called the office and they opened a work order for the maintenance guy to come see why those 3 plugs died.
i use them all the time for the toaster and the can opener.
hopefully it is something he can fix easily.

met a man yesterday over at a neighbor's, we were clicking and so my other neighbor asked him if he liked me and yup, he's got a girlfriend.
dag nab it, i can't catch any breaks when it comes to the men i dig!

i am eating healthy but i've gain back 3 of the 7 pounds i've lost since i can eat and not throw up.
i'm working out and walking every day now.
my goals are the same, health is my priority over everything else now.

i'm getting all my ducks in a row!

manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

This morning i had to tell the guy i didn't want to go out with him anymore it just wasn't clicking for me.
he said okay, i wished him good luck and that is done!
i thought that was easy.
he was so pushy on the first date, but with the migraine i dismissed it as me be overly sensitive.
he came back early from being out of town so we went out last night again.
and he was really really being pushy.

and it wasn't my migraine, he really isnt' funny but he thinks he is.
he kept poking me, and touching me with his feet (shoes on, so gross)
he just kept trying to force me to cuddle or snuggle or something.
i do NOT like it when a man tries to force closeness on me.
that is something that should come naturally.

by the time he left i didnt' want him to touch me EVER again.
he was just pushing things too hard, trying to push intimacy and familiarity when there was none.
the conversations were stilted and didn't flow well.
we just didn't not connect on any level!!!

i am having no luck at with this online dating.
i cancelled pof and zoosk.
i told them why, every guy i go out with wants to grope me and push sex on me.
i am very clear i want to ease into a relationship and get to know somone because i am looking for a long term relationship.
appearantly, no on knows what the definition of that is, so i googled it and for my review it is..

Long term relationship is a common, contemporary term for intimate interpersonal relationships that may be lifelong and may or may not consist in marriage. Long term relationships are considered the opposite of casual relationships, which tend to be short in duration. The notation "LTR" is used to designate "long term relationship" in "personals" advertisements

the guy i want to be having a LTR with i can't have because he's in a LTR wtih somebody else. (scott)
the guy i fell in love with before him loves me to death, but he isn't in love with me and only wants to EVER be friends. (bret)
and the guy before that married me and treated me like shit.

i say i'm striking out all over the place.

and the cherry on top of all this man cake, the microwave, that we bought less then a year ago, shorted out!!!
now i'm manless, sexless, and microwaveless!!!!

migraine took its toll

i got on the wii this morning and since tuesday i've lost 7.3 pounds due to my migraine.
i couldn't keep food down, it was either coming out of one end or the other.
now i'm trying to ease my way back into food.
i just had some cucumbers and water.
i have to go to the grocery.
i know i need to kick start my weight loss again because it had stalled, but this is NOT what I had in mind.

taking it easy this weekend.
it's going to be cold and rainy.
i'm going to clean and just avoid certain if not all people.
i'm going to get a hair cut.
and possibly color my hair.

here's hoping to a peaceful and relaxing weekend.

Migraine Free Friday

woke up migraine free and slept thru the night as well. this has been a good friday for me.
picked the kid and one of her friends up from college so she could go to the doctor.
it's a lot of driving, so i saw scott was home and stopped up to see if the kid could take a look at his car that he's selling.
i don't want to shell out the money and she not want it.
he was all scruffy, i was like focus focus, not on the sex, but on the car, so hard.
he was tired cuz he had to drive a truck last night and he's been up over 24 hours straight.
i told him i had done nearly 48 hours with no sleep this past week so i feel for him.
he showed the kid the car and she likes it.
she has to practice driving a stick down at college on this boy's truck.
i told him i could buy it by the end of the year.
i have to save up the money.
it's not a lot, but it's a lot to come up with at one time.

i'm going to haul the kids back to college then i'm coming home and relaxing!!!
happy friday every one!

the migraine is winning

i went on a date last night, me and my migraine.
he was sweet. i had toast and scrambled eggs since i've not been able to eat much.
by the time he picked me up i'd been up nearly 40 hours.
i tried to be engaging, but i can't really remember much about what he said.
he insisted i try a ibprofun pm and we went to kroger's and he bought me a small bottle.
he insisted i had to take 3.
i gave him a hug and we made tentative plans to go out again next week (he's out of town over the weekend)

he left and i got so sick. my dinner didn't not stick around to put it in the least grossest terms i can think of.
i took a hot shower, 3 of the pm tablets and hoped for the best.
i laid down at 9, last look at the clock was 10:38, i woke up at 2:14am sicker then when i went to bed.
i got sick again, and my migraine was worse.
i tried to go back to sleep, around 5AM i drifted off for almost 2 hours.
but my migraine is winning.
if it's not gone tomorrow i'm going to have to cave and go to urgent care for a shot.
i hate this one, it's the worst migraine i've had in years.

i don't even remember his last name. he did text me this morning to see how i was.
he thought for sure the pm pills would work cuz it works on his migraines.
i told him my body reacts to medication differently from most people.
it tends to wear off faster, he asked if i was superwoman, i said nope, just a cuzin.

he seemed nice, maybe next time we go out i won't feel like shit!

A sleepless night

can't sleep, it's 1:21 am, i just finished 30 minutes of exercise on the wii. i'm just now feeling tired and sweaty. i'm going to try and take a hot shower and sleep. I hope i get some sleep. if i can't sleep off a migraine it gets worse. and i wasn't able to even nap today. it's one of the ones where i close my eyes and it just squeezes my brain tighter, like a boa contricter, with every breath, it squeezes tighter until i have to get up and move because i feel like i can't breathe.

i have so many thoughts spinning around my head. it's like a chaotic gravity defying merry go round filled with men and situations. what i want, what i need, and never what i actaully have. i romantize my situations. these men don't love me. they want me. they want to control me, dominant me. i am alone, alway alone.

Hate migraines

woke up 3am with a migraine. had to come home at lunch and lie in the dark with an ice pillow around my neck. took alieve and excederine migraine to no avail. haven't been able to sleep it off either. i just can't get comfortable. my house is completely dark, except for the computer screen. i had to log in and do some work. i am lucky i can work from home when these hit. it's easier to be at home and be able to turn out all the lights. darkness and silence are king when i have a migraine.

i've been working hard to get a date. using the pof site. made some contacts. had to make it clear to one of them so far that i'm not putting out on the first date. i deserve a meaningful long term monogamous relationship. if i just want to get laid i got a neighbor or three that would kindly oblige me. but i want to cuddle, go do stuff together, have lame disagreements on which actor was in which movie. u know, the coupledom crap. i miss it. it's been a long time since i've been in a real relationship.

i tried to push bret into a real relationship as he reminded me on our last phone call. he only wants friends with benefits. sure the benefits package is swell, but i deserve more!!!

Die Monday Die!!!

today sucked!!! this monday was nothing but disappointment, bad news, problems, errors, and just bullshit!!!

bret's court date got cancelled, so i won't see him this week at all :(
he sounded super bummed too, he really just wants to get back to living his life with him and his daughter,
his custody battle has been going on since jan.
no wonder people take justice into their own hands, our court system moves way too slow!!!
i was so looking forward to seeing him and getting laid!
i'm selfish i know.
i want him to get what he wants too.
i still care about him alot and i only want goodness and happiness in his life.

i have to work saturday, so i can't go to my baby cousins 5th birthday party again.
my jewish co-worker seems to only be jewish when she gets the day off.
it is her turn to work the weekend, but it's the holiest of holy days for the jewish faith and there's no work.
lovely! i have to work christian holidays if that's what is required of my job.
i'm sick of having to work around her religon, she doesn't work around mine!
she eats bacon for God's sake!!!
and didn't even know if the kid she adopted was automatically jewish or had to be converted!
work is frustrating to me right now.
that is what happens when everything is due all at the same time!

then there's jackie, the perv neighbor that keeps wanting to touch my boobies.
i was all wound up friday thinking scott (the naughty neighbor) and i were finally going to have sex
and i flashed jackie, i had on no bra.
he said my boobs looked like GUM DROPS!!!
then he wanted me to show them to his roommate and kept talking about them to his roommate.
his roommate says he's never heard him talk about boobies like that before.
i know i can't keep a secret, but i thought a man could, sheesh!
he's cut off!!!!

so scott (the naughty neighbor) shows up thursday, we have our usual make out, grab ass fest,
then he says he's coming down friday to fuck me hard.
he doesn't show...AGAIN!!!
so sick of that man getting me all wound up and then nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!!!!
he tells me sunday that he had to work late.
i was like it happens.
i really don't care anymore.
the next time he comes around i'm just going to go NO, sorry, not interested.
unless he touches me then i cannot tell him no.
damn it!!!

i need to pull my head out my ass and start seriously applying myself to finding a long term exclusive relationship with a good man.
easy right!!!

A Sweet Sunday

i've walked 5 miles today. i worked out on the wii for 30 minutes today. i had chili. sophie got to go to the dog park. i got my scriptures read. now i'm watching the browns lose :(

today has been a simple and sweet sunday. my right hip hurts a little from a new yoga position i added to my wii routine, the downward facing dog. it is harder then i thought it would be and maybe i'm just way too dirty minded, but every time i do the downward facing dog i think about either bret or scott coming up behind me and banging me. it's me right, i'm too horny!

i got to get my head out of my ass when it comes to men. i'm unrealistic. the men i want only want me because they already have someone else.

i've really got myself screwed up right now. i can't ever seem to achieve any balance in my life, ironic, since i physically have a balance disorder. or is that just an unfortunate happenstance?

i've been making a series of bad decisions of late and i need to snap out of it.

i will survive, i always do, but i tire of the struggle!